So, my carpool buddy Matt asked me out of the blue yesterday: "do you think anyone masturbates while thinking about the president?" I wondered if he meant the current president or any president, which made me think about how different US presidents would have different "masturbatability" scores. Here is my preliminary data on the first 7:
Name Years in office Height Cons Pros
Washington, George (1789-1797) 6 ft 2 in -That whole "I cannot tell a lie" thing was all made up
-False teeth
-Called "Town Destroyer" by Native Americans -All about religious freedom
-Did not wear a wig!
-Red headed as a young man
-All-round cool guy
Adams, John (1797-1801) 5 ft 7 in -Rosacea
-Weird hair
-Defended the British soldiers after the Boston Massacre
-Signed the Sedition Act into law
-Looked kind of like Gollum later in life -Very influential
-Rebelled against puritanism
Jefferson, Thomas (1801-1809) 6 ft 2 1/2 in -Had a lisp
-Secret sex with his slave -Was ridiculously awesome at everything
-Good posture
-Was popular for wearing robe and slippers when greeting White House guests
Madison, James (1809-1817) 5 ft 4 in -Quintessential "98 lb weakling" -Looked kind of like a vampire
-Bill of Rights
Monroe, James (1817-1825) 6 ft 0 in - Possibly a college dropout
- Married a 17-year old (while he was 27)
-Dominated by bitchy wife and two daughters
-Okay with incest (his youngest daughter married her first cousin) -Monroe Doctrine
-"The Era of Good Feelings"
-Chin dimple
-Spotless soul
-Gentle blue-gray eyes
-Kickin' bod
-Not too religious
Adams, John Quincy (1825-1829) 5 ft 7 in -Could easily be mistaken for a leprechaun
- Elected under suspicious circumstances - Well-traveled
-Accomplished linguist
- Finally got rid of the gag rule that automatically tabled any petitions against slavery
Jackson, Andrew (1829-1837) 6 ft 1 in -Full of hatred (for the British and for John Quincy Adams and for the press)
- Kind of a dickhead to Native Americans
- Sick all the time perhaps because of all of his injuries from duels -Great head of hair
-Invited the public to the White House
-Very tough and manly!
-Rescued his his wife from her former husband and fought duels to protect his wife's honor
- Passionate!
So far, based on these pros and cons and the picture of each guy, it's a surprise lead from James Monroe! I can't believe it! I barely knew anything about him before this research. I am going to continue on the rest of the POTUSes with this stuff, then present my data with numbers, and probably make a graph. Thank you for your interest in my research!