Speaking to my voices.... 8/20/2002
There wasn't just one thing, but many things. I have a habit of feeling as though I am whining and will be judged for doing so. In that case, I suppress my feelings and do so, even in this diary.
What happens next is a night of many voices screaming inside of my head, like some sort of nightclub scene where loud music drowns out the many voices trying to compete.
I end up regretting something I have done, or something I have not done. I go back to a situation, relive it and see the way I should have done it. Then I get very angry at voices that scream at me in agreement.
So, the night was long and filled with deep thoughts, reflection and finally, acceptance.
God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference
During my childhood years my friend’s Mother, a recovering alcoholic fearing a repeat of her own mistakes, condemned my friend and myself as being a repeat of her own life. She would drag us to AA meetings, so we could see what our world would be like, if we continued in the same fashion we were going.
We were not drunks. We went out to clubs and danced. In her eyes, however we were frequenting Bar Rooms and destined to become the barstool drunk that she had been for many years.
I had that AA prayer stamped inside of my brain at that time, and it comes back to me constantly. Even though I do not know how I feel about God and become easily angered at the thought of praying to something that is answered in total silence, I find myself constantly saying that prayer anyway.
I can not change the Autism in my daughter. I can not change the PDD in my son. I can not change the brain damage that is still a mystery, in my oldest twin boy.
I can not change my work position, for doing so would be to make the Autistic and PDD child suffer. Schoolteachers, EI personnel and IEI personnel spoke to me about the deep regression my children went through when faced with me being out of the home. I can, however pursue work at home.
My wisdom of knowing the difference comes from experience and I learned that I can not change these things. I must face them and do whatever I can to work through them all.
Courage--I found that also. There are many that I read that are in a bad relationship with their spouse or boyfriend, but have more excuses on why they stay with them. It might be weakness or dependence. It could be fear of the unknown future or the feeling of being unable to live with themselves as a singleton, versus a unity. Some accept their every day misery of 'secrets and lies' as life, and just go on with it as they whine through the reasons they are staying in this relationship.
I found this through the short-lived friendship with the wife of the severe alcoholic. I watched as she let her children suffer, and actually thrived on her own suffering as she looked for sympathy from others. It took me a while to see that she truly was NOT STUCK in her position, but wanted to be in that position. All that came first in her life was her own well being and fear of being independent. Her children suffering in school or at home did not matter to her. All that mattered to her was that she stayed where she felt secure, and gained sympathy while doing so.
I purged myself from that relationship, for it only kept me involved in my own situation to a degree of being hurtful. The realization that her sympathy was not to be earned because she wanted her situation was painful. However, I had the courage to accept the things I could not change and the wisdom to know the difference. I didn't really lose a friend, but gained strength to realize that she was not good for my own feelings of self-worth.
I have thrown my marriage of 14 years into the proverbial garbage can. I have been criticized by many for doing so. "How could you do that, having 5 children. Think of them".
Um, I AM thinking of them. How healthy is it for them to live in a house where they are exposed to the disgusting habits of their Father? How healthy is it for them to listen to the arguments or feel the tension that is associated with 'his secret'. How hurtful is it to see the Mother they feel is their only strength, reduced to mere ash in the bowels of a relationship based on secrets and lies?
So, I gained the courage, and regained the wisdom.
It has not been easy. There are days that I don't know where food is coming from, or how I will pay the utility bills. However, I have not sat down in the lake of self-pity. I get up and do something about it (with a great big nudge from friends that understand and give suggestions that are wise). I make mistakes in doing so, but this is how I gain the wisdom. The courage to try and accept that I may make mistakes is what keeps me going back to the courageous people that attended those meetings, telling their stories to total strangers.
I also have gained the wisdom to realize my accomplishments, again strengthened by cyber-friends that stand by me. I have gained the respect of an entire school system. I have children that are part of a family and work together as a team. I am able to survive being alone, and have found the strength to pursue what is rightfully mine and accept that it may take a few years to put this all in the past for a brighter future.
Because of the voices screaming at me last night, I had to write this entry. Not to criticize those that don't know how to change their situation, but for myself who has gained the strength, courage and wisdom.
Although there are still situations that make me unwise, I will learn from them and become wise again.
A situation that many of us live in is unchangeable to a degree. How we deal with those situations is how we show who we truly are. I see one friend struggle daily, but rarely do I see her complain. She has accomplished things as one person, even with a debilitating illness, and I admire her for the strength, courage and wisdom that she has attained. She will not admit to these qualities, and never toots her own horn. But, this is another example of someone that did not lay down and die when given a situation that is irreversible. She found ways to cope and strengthen her family because of those unchangeable situations.
Again, this is not a self-righteous entry, so anyone that reads it and thinks I am talking about them, I am not. It is who I am, and how I cope with the voices that scream at me. I am no one to judge, but I am someone that can say, "you can deal with it if you just try".
I am ready for any rude notes that might come from this entry. I am ready to be blocked. Please remember, however that I am talking about my own situation and nothing else. Each person needs to:
Gain serenity to accept the things they can not change, as well as the courage to change those that they can, and wisdom that they have gained from knowing the difference.