PTSD entry--recent
Weird.
I went to bed very late, hoping that the Clonopin would take hold and put me into a fully unconscious state of being. It didn't. My mind raveled and unraveled, knitting new thoughts and creating blankets of strange images that required my thought process to work overtime.
The last time I looked at the clock, it was 4 AM.
I woke at 2 PM--Hoping that Tom had been haunted by the little curly-ghost that roams my house every night during the week. Of course, she didn't do it last night. I should feel special. She seems to like her roaming skills to be experienced only by myself.
Now, that is love!
I had taken the older three cherubs to the Chinese Buffet down the street last night, since we hadn't really spent any time alone during this vacation week. For some reason, they really enjoy this over going to, say McDonald's. Maybe it is because they can pick and choose whatever it is that stimulates their little palates. It could be the quiet surroundings that allow us all to talk and laugh. Whatever it is, we did the trek over to the restaurant as soon as Tom showed up for his weekend stay.
I had one of my favorite waitresses, whom I have become very fond of because she is easy to talk to and very informative on certain issues. She sat down with us for a bit while the kids munched on the food that had been sitting under warming lights, a little too long. I drank my green tea, chatting with her while they consumed their delicacies. She then left, leaving the three of us sitting together as they all munched on the food on their plates.
All of a sudden, the sound of 'the silverware being stacked' triggered another PTSD attack. I found myself staring at the wall, reliving an event in a cold, sterile operating room with doctor's talking golf over my exposed innards. At that point, I told Molly to hurry up with her ice cream that she was eating and got out of there as fast as I could.
As we got outside, I was hyperventilating and shaking. I found my van boxed in by three police cars. One was an unmarked vehicle that I recognized right away. It was the detective that had come to the house to talk to Tom that night, soon after I had reported him for what he was doing. Panic hit me as I made my own little story out of why they were behind MY VAN.
I made the kids get into the car as I paced around the van, waiting for some sign that they were not inside, looking for me. Finally, the detective came out with another police officer, questioning some man that was inside of the attached dance club. I am guessing that he was a sex offender, since that is the only reason that this detective is called out to such places. The detective was asking him questions about what he had said to some young lady, and the guy kept swearing he meant nothing by it. They made him leave, and followed him as he walked home. They then got into their cars, as I hid from Mr. Detective Man so that he didn't see me.
So goes the mind of a crazy woman.
Molly, growing stronger in her 'sense of knowing' had a look of fear on her face. I am sure she could feel my emotions, pivoting around on some sort of chaotic merry-go-round inside of me. I told her it was nothing, but I just wanted to make sure they were leaving soon so that I could pull out. I know she didn't believe me. Finally, he moved his car and I was able to pull the van out and rush home.
Here I sat for the rest of the evening, waiting for my friend to come on so that we could talk.
Thank the POWERS THAT BE that she did. It purged so many emotions that were full of life in my screwy little head.
The fire in RI is really bothering me as well. Sometimes I can put myself into a place as I am watching news footage, and actually feel the panic and sense of doom that is portrayed on the television screen. I wish the media would not roll footage so many times, but then again, I don't change the station either.
Those poor kids never had a chance.
I am very angry at the way the lead singer of White Snake appeared during an interview. He seemed angrier about the questions than he was upset over the loss of lives. He seemed quite unscathed by the event, other than the idea of being questioned about permits.
The band had an easy way out, since the stage leads directly to the exit area of the club behind the stage. If only they had tried to get some of the kids in the front to follow them. They were so damn close to that stage, yet so far from an exit door.
He seemed much more concerned with what they did RIGHT, instead of the loss of lives inside of the club.
The club owner of that RI club has been known for many years. I, for one have never been there but have known of that club for a long time. I believe him when he says that, he had no idea about the pyrotechnics being used. There were no sprinklers, but it did pass fire code inspection only weeks before. In RI, the club capacity must be a certain amount before sprinklers are required. I don't believe he would have allowed such a thing, knowing that he had no flame-retardant materials in his club, nor would he have allowed such danger for his patrons.
It seems that White Snake did the same thing in Asbury Park, only weeks before. Their act went the same way there, without the knowledge of the club owner prior to the act. I believe that club owner too.
Maybe it is just his callousness that the lead singer portrayed that pissed me off. Maybe the way he came across as uncaring about the loss of lives, and only about his own legal ass.
I have kept the TV off since I awoke. I guess it is time to turn it back on and see what has transpired through the night.