(no subject)
Because it's been a while...
Hello. Its been three weeks and I'm sure things have happened but my life has become rather a blur so I don't really know anymore. Kind of hard to describe really. Everything yet nothing. Like I'm being drained, completely and utterly drained. Why do I care so much? What childhood incident made me the way I am? I'm on about the obsessive compulsive thing... its getting freaky. Really. The amount of work I'm doing makes me feel like I'm in 6th year all over again. And yet I'm still not doing particularly well. Passing and passing well but for the hours and hours of study I get up at 7 to do it's not paying off. I am completely exhausted, out of touch with everyone, have made few friends, if any, in my course, been on all of one class night out. And it's my fault of course. But sometimes its so overwhelming I just can't think or comprehend or put anything in perspective. And it just feels so goddamn lonely when you';re there in the library trying to squeeze in another few minutes and only giving yourself an hour off becayuse you gotta go to the gym so you don't fuck up your black belt... (taekwondo's anther area that I'm messing up in these days). My black belt grading is a week into Christmas exams. I don't even know whats going on anymore, I;m floundering and lost and confused and I don't mknow if I'lll make it out the other end. Its not even hard. Its just the aloneness and the magnitude and the complete lack of guidance or help or concern. Its being alone. How do the others do it, go out and coe in looking gorgeous and pass and smile and laugh and fit in? Grr. This is silly. I, as you can see, am silly. I'll lj cut this so people can read it if they feel the need.
Happy news: got EP ticket, hurray, though no idea who's playing. Saw Heima the other night with Darran and Una, twas great. Night out on tuesday.,.. though I do have an MCQ the next day but I've been looking forward to it so much... I dunno. Well seeing as how I'm working tomorrow I'll sleep now so I can get up at seven, practise taekwondo and study for 4 hours before working for 8 hours then I'll get to see Niall and whine and piss off the one person who can stick me.
Yeah the happy thing was never going to work. Fuck you, fuck everyone, I hate this. I want to drop out and run away and hide and get some goddamn sleep.
I didn't mean to to turn out that way... yeah I gotta go to bed.
Hello. Its been three weeks and I'm sure things have happened but my life has become rather a blur so I don't really know anymore. Kind of hard to describe really. Everything yet nothing. Like I'm being drained, completely and utterly drained. Why do I care so much? What childhood incident made me the way I am? I'm on about the obsessive compulsive thing... its getting freaky. Really. The amount of work I'm doing makes me feel like I'm in 6th year all over again. And yet I'm still not doing particularly well. Passing and passing well but for the hours and hours of study I get up at 7 to do it's not paying off. I am completely exhausted, out of touch with everyone, have made few friends, if any, in my course, been on all of one class night out. And it's my fault of course. But sometimes its so overwhelming I just can't think or comprehend or put anything in perspective. And it just feels so goddamn lonely when you';re there in the library trying to squeeze in another few minutes and only giving yourself an hour off becayuse you gotta go to the gym so you don't fuck up your black belt... (taekwondo's anther area that I'm messing up in these days). My black belt grading is a week into Christmas exams. I don't even know whats going on anymore, I;m floundering and lost and confused and I don't mknow if I'lll make it out the other end. Its not even hard. Its just the aloneness and the magnitude and the complete lack of guidance or help or concern. Its being alone. How do the others do it, go out and coe in looking gorgeous and pass and smile and laugh and fit in? Grr. This is silly. I, as you can see, am silly. I'll lj cut this so people can read it if they feel the need.
Happy news: got EP ticket, hurray, though no idea who's playing. Saw Heima the other night with Darran and Una, twas great. Night out on tuesday.,.. though I do have an MCQ the next day but I've been looking forward to it so much... I dunno. Well seeing as how I'm working tomorrow I'll sleep now so I can get up at seven, practise taekwondo and study for 4 hours before working for 8 hours then I'll get to see Niall and whine and piss off the one person who can stick me.
Yeah the happy thing was never going to work. Fuck you, fuck everyone, I hate this. I want to drop out and run away and hide and get some goddamn sleep.
I didn't mean to to turn out that way... yeah I gotta go to bed.