autopilot
The seven samurai was in the netflix queue so I've got it in the movie machine behind a pile of all-the-dirty-clothes-from-since-we-got-back. I made strawberry sour cream ice cream and then put some of it in the blender with a banana and 1%. It's a nice, not too sweet flavor. I took Ceph in for her appointment today and they tried to get me to buy new tires. On the way home I started crying again listening to Hornsby's cover of Jack Straw. My parents call somewhat randomly. Yesterday to tell me they want me to come out for a week sometime this summer. I don't think I can do it, but will try in the fall. It's strange to miss wyoming...it's been so long. But I can feel the webbing of the hammock on the porch and hear the hummingbirds bitching and fighting over the sugarwater, see the fox rolling in the horseshit in the neighbor's field, imagine the canoe caught by a gust of wind and carried over the butte to land in Crumps' ditch. They've bought 33 trees, one for each of us children and our partners, one for each of the grandchildren, and then some. They want to plant them but it keeps snowing.
Sunday night I was up all night. Til 5 in the morning at which point my shaking hands made me cry. I'd had a panic attack. As I've been having them since. I think it was because my mom lied to me. It wasn't about a big thing. I understand "why" she lied about it. She did it because she meant to care for me by doing it. Unconsciously I knew. I heard the words and the discourse of how she said it and I knew it was a lie. But I didn't recognize it until later. After the panic attack. I thought long and hard about pathological lying then. Which is what kept me up all night shaking, with a tingling upper lip, cheeks, and hands. Part of what is hard for me right now is that I had reached a kind of equilibrium with my family and having A gone means having to revisit how I relate to everyone. They want to be closer. I want to be closer. But it's not healthy to be close. At least my body says "don't fucking lie to me." Funny how I can have such a strong reaction to such a minor falsehood. The problem is the falsehood is indicative of everything. If she'll lie to me about this, she'll lie about anything. It's hard learning after the fact that something you believed wasn't true. Imagine if this was all the little things. Somehow this is more painful and insidious than the big things.
She's made her world and if you challenge it she either freaks out or absorbs it. She's got this weird Munchhausen by Proxy thing going on too, where not only am I ill but I have her made up illnesses. And then she says stuff that no one can disagree with...like "Andy gave me this message."
So I recognize this stuff but it still makes me panic. When they were last here my mom had told me she doesn't have allergies anymore. I pressed her on it but she insisted. So I was making enchiladas with fresh corn and my dad comes up to me and says "you know your mom's deathly allergic to corn..." I was furious with her. She ate them. She was fine. Now it's cooked tomatoes. Their neighbor had given them some plants and she was talking about eating tomatoes and my dad said "but you're allergic to tomatoes" and she said "just cooked tomatoes" and he said ok.
There is no point in challenging her. Some people who have panic attacks have problems with assertiveness. I've been real assertive lately. I really don't need this shit. But I do want to be close to her. I'll have to go in fully armored.
Don't know if I can sleep where I used to lock the door when my brother was there.
Sunday night I was up all night. Til 5 in the morning at which point my shaking hands made me cry. I'd had a panic attack. As I've been having them since. I think it was because my mom lied to me. It wasn't about a big thing. I understand "why" she lied about it. She did it because she meant to care for me by doing it. Unconsciously I knew. I heard the words and the discourse of how she said it and I knew it was a lie. But I didn't recognize it until later. After the panic attack. I thought long and hard about pathological lying then. Which is what kept me up all night shaking, with a tingling upper lip, cheeks, and hands. Part of what is hard for me right now is that I had reached a kind of equilibrium with my family and having A gone means having to revisit how I relate to everyone. They want to be closer. I want to be closer. But it's not healthy to be close. At least my body says "don't fucking lie to me." Funny how I can have such a strong reaction to such a minor falsehood. The problem is the falsehood is indicative of everything. If she'll lie to me about this, she'll lie about anything. It's hard learning after the fact that something you believed wasn't true. Imagine if this was all the little things. Somehow this is more painful and insidious than the big things.
She's made her world and if you challenge it she either freaks out or absorbs it. She's got this weird Munchhausen by Proxy thing going on too, where not only am I ill but I have her made up illnesses. And then she says stuff that no one can disagree with...like "Andy gave me this message."
So I recognize this stuff but it still makes me panic. When they were last here my mom had told me she doesn't have allergies anymore. I pressed her on it but she insisted. So I was making enchiladas with fresh corn and my dad comes up to me and says "you know your mom's deathly allergic to corn..." I was furious with her. She ate them. She was fine. Now it's cooked tomatoes. Their neighbor had given them some plants and she was talking about eating tomatoes and my dad said "but you're allergic to tomatoes" and she said "just cooked tomatoes" and he said ok.
There is no point in challenging her. Some people who have panic attacks have problems with assertiveness. I've been real assertive lately. I really don't need this shit. But I do want to be close to her. I'll have to go in fully armored.
Don't know if I can sleep where I used to lock the door when my brother was there.