342 what i typed on my laptop without posting up
17 November 2010
2 weeks before the end of exams and 4 weeks before I return this is what I want to say. Coming here has shed light on self-evaluation and correspondingly my sense of self. A lot of things I never knew or have changed... yet some parts never will.
This is going to be a brutally honest post.
-I find it tremendously challenging to mingle with people who do not come from the same background. This point of view is however extremely flawed considering how I managed in Starhub, so I am suspecting expectations differ in the College environment. Of course if you are ang-moh you definitely fall into this category because I am racist towards everyone including myself. By definition of “same background” I explicitly mean the HC/RJ/VJ shit. Anywhere else wouldn’t mean too much of a difference really and I really have no intention of implying anythin but upholding the rules of discrimination and elitism, I really really miss WITTY people. (As well as maturity in behaviour, cuz i fcking worship deep conversations, no kid.)
What is probably truly lacking is the self-sustaining self-fulfilling feeding mechanism that reaffirms the cream of the crop shit.... and by that I am clearly aware of and lament about my own inability to sustain ample recognition for my own capabilities, therein lies my woeful reminiscence of a history of achievement that is fleeting and long gone... and will never appear in front of me in the same form again. The Singaporean education system has so amazingly inculcated a strong sense of self in me, as an individual who has undergone education in a top-ranking secondary school and junior college, such that despite not doing well enough to get into NTU Mass Communication I am still as obnoxious, elitist and critical of the world around. This is probably going to stay with me (and us in the workforce) for as long as a lifetime...esp in the Singaporean context
-Unknown to me before I came to Australia, I have a humongous obsession with curry. I cannot describe how much effort I put into thinking about curry, trying to make my own curry with all sorts of methods, and the amount of $$$$$$$$$$$$ I put into eating curry outside the boundaries of my home kitchen. My cravings for curry are so damn acute it kills me!!!!!!! and I believe curry was so much a part of my diet back home that my reliance on it came as a surprise.
-Back in the HCNY environment I was living largely off the fact that I was still in a comfort zone in which i could be as extroverted as i wanted. It was where people who were mostly travelling to the same location within the radius of that one kilometre along Bukit Timah land for the past 6 years of teenage-hood. Now in a thoroughly foreign and unknown continent, I back off and stfu in unfamiliar situations, and especially so in front of people “of a different background”. I do yearn for a day when I can truly open up and bullshit, but my temperamental judgment of the circumstance now does reflect its low likelihood due to sheer dislike and a simple lack of trust towards my surroundings. Sadly (or not), not opening up to people also means that people will not do the same. The main problem is I could never bring myself to stay with anyone- anyone who tried, I literally said, “Sorry, I really need my space.” Somehow I have turned out to be a very judgmental person and I seem to have a knack for picking out flaws in people, and before anyone else says this I know that at the end of the day that makes me one with the largest flaw. Sometimes it makes me feel like not wanting to know anyone at all. Argh, definitely something I need to get over. How worthwhile it is to not attach myself to people who are leaving, anyway.
-Girls who flirt are so gross. Okay everyone flirts, but the girls outside my HC/NY confinement and culture seem to find it very easy to allow their attraction towards the male counterparts to take precedence over ‘friendly, female interaction’. This applies very aptly to most outgoing angmohs. Actually, I’ve only just met 1 asian and 2 mei guo rens who are like that (just saying that in Chinese just in case some angmoh is reading this, for that matter.) sooooooo once again, I should not fallaciously make a sweeping statement, but I hate it when girls (regardless of race, language or religion) make it obvious that it’s boys over girls. I wouldn’t deny that guys are much easier to communicate with (it applies to me, I like male candidness and their ability to express how they truly feel most of the time) but who’s there when you’re sad over some lame issue, or when you need a sanitary pad? I still think girlfriends are the people who will remember you most for who you are and provide emotional support... and that’s a sensitivity that most males will never be able to replicate.
-Therefore, there are 3 traits that I aim to achieve before I die:
1) Independence - Not just physically but emotionally..................... but I think that might never happen because subconsciously, I know GY’s there. And I never want him to be gone.
2) Sincerity - never, ever fake interest... the very reason why I hate socialising and stfu most of the time. Who gives a shit about people you don’t even know? (Ya ya I know the point about ‘how else will you ever know them then’ but still, lame methods produce lame results. You get lame friends.)
3) Courage - simply because I hate being afraid.
****
Exams are good to be over and I can finally type on this damn page on the computer. The past two weeks have only been cooping myself up in my room and studying. Last night was so much drama on top of all the goodbyes, I'm actually pretty glad everything's over. Have a good life, everyone.
2 weeks before the end of exams and 4 weeks before I return this is what I want to say. Coming here has shed light on self-evaluation and correspondingly my sense of self. A lot of things I never knew or have changed... yet some parts never will.
This is going to be a brutally honest post.
-I find it tremendously challenging to mingle with people who do not come from the same background. This point of view is however extremely flawed considering how I managed in Starhub, so I am suspecting expectations differ in the College environment. Of course if you are ang-moh you definitely fall into this category because I am racist towards everyone including myself. By definition of “same background” I explicitly mean the HC/RJ/VJ shit. Anywhere else wouldn’t mean too much of a difference really and I really have no intention of implying anythin but upholding the rules of discrimination and elitism, I really really miss WITTY people. (As well as maturity in behaviour, cuz i fcking worship deep conversations, no kid.)
What is probably truly lacking is the self-sustaining self-fulfilling feeding mechanism that reaffirms the cream of the crop shit.... and by that I am clearly aware of and lament about my own inability to sustain ample recognition for my own capabilities, therein lies my woeful reminiscence of a history of achievement that is fleeting and long gone... and will never appear in front of me in the same form again. The Singaporean education system has so amazingly inculcated a strong sense of self in me, as an individual who has undergone education in a top-ranking secondary school and junior college, such that despite not doing well enough to get into NTU Mass Communication I am still as obnoxious, elitist and critical of the world around. This is probably going to stay with me (and us in the workforce) for as long as a lifetime...esp in the Singaporean context
-Unknown to me before I came to Australia, I have a humongous obsession with curry. I cannot describe how much effort I put into thinking about curry, trying to make my own curry with all sorts of methods, and the amount of $$$$$$$$$$$$ I put into eating curry outside the boundaries of my home kitchen. My cravings for curry are so damn acute it kills me!!!!!!! and I believe curry was so much a part of my diet back home that my reliance on it came as a surprise.
-Back in the HCNY environment I was living largely off the fact that I was still in a comfort zone in which i could be as extroverted as i wanted. It was where people who were mostly travelling to the same location within the radius of that one kilometre along Bukit Timah land for the past 6 years of teenage-hood. Now in a thoroughly foreign and unknown continent, I back off and stfu in unfamiliar situations, and especially so in front of people “of a different background”. I do yearn for a day when I can truly open up and bullshit, but my temperamental judgment of the circumstance now does reflect its low likelihood due to sheer dislike and a simple lack of trust towards my surroundings. Sadly (or not), not opening up to people also means that people will not do the same. The main problem is I could never bring myself to stay with anyone- anyone who tried, I literally said, “Sorry, I really need my space.” Somehow I have turned out to be a very judgmental person and I seem to have a knack for picking out flaws in people, and before anyone else says this I know that at the end of the day that makes me one with the largest flaw. Sometimes it makes me feel like not wanting to know anyone at all. Argh, definitely something I need to get over. How worthwhile it is to not attach myself to people who are leaving, anyway.
-Girls who flirt are so gross. Okay everyone flirts, but the girls outside my HC/NY confinement and culture seem to find it very easy to allow their attraction towards the male counterparts to take precedence over ‘friendly, female interaction’. This applies very aptly to most outgoing angmohs. Actually, I’ve only just met 1 asian and 2 mei guo rens who are like that (just saying that in Chinese just in case some angmoh is reading this, for that matter.) sooooooo once again, I should not fallaciously make a sweeping statement, but I hate it when girls (regardless of race, language or religion) make it obvious that it’s boys over girls. I wouldn’t deny that guys are much easier to communicate with (it applies to me, I like male candidness and their ability to express how they truly feel most of the time) but who’s there when you’re sad over some lame issue, or when you need a sanitary pad? I still think girlfriends are the people who will remember you most for who you are and provide emotional support... and that’s a sensitivity that most males will never be able to replicate.
-Therefore, there are 3 traits that I aim to achieve before I die:
1) Independence - Not just physically but emotionally..................... but I think that might never happen because subconsciously, I know GY’s there. And I never want him to be gone.
2) Sincerity - never, ever fake interest... the very reason why I hate socialising and stfu most of the time. Who gives a shit about people you don’t even know? (Ya ya I know the point about ‘how else will you ever know them then’ but still, lame methods produce lame results. You get lame friends.)
3) Courage - simply because I hate being afraid.
****
Exams are good to be over and I can finally type on this damn page on the computer. The past two weeks have only been cooping myself up in my room and studying. Last night was so much drama on top of all the goodbyes, I'm actually pretty glad everything's over. Have a good life, everyone.