14。rooftops
Rooftops
Kwanghee/Siwan, very tiny!Junyoung/Kwanghee
PG ; 3670 w.
Rooftops
You make me restless,
You make me cry,
Like a fool, Like a child
☆ Can You Hear Me? - Tae Yeon
Siwan kisses Kwanghee one day, and it is anything but perfect.
How it happened, none of them are quite sure. Kwanghee's still got his arms around Siwan's frame for the nth time despite Siwan's obvious irritation and failed attempts of struggling free from the former's grasp. Siwan's nails dig in Kwanghee's skin, his pushes hard and forceful but the latter just won't break free, won't let Siwan let loose, hands quick and needy, and isn't this how they always are? But something inside Siwan snaps, and the next thing he knows is that he's pinning Kwanghee against the wall, his angry, determined eyes meeting shocked, unreadable ones as his arms brace Kwanghee on the wall.
Siwan holds his breath, shuts his eyes tight and kisses Kwanghee straight on the lips, quick and fleeting.
They pull away and breathe heavily as if they had just kissed each other for hours. It takes a while for them to recover and to realize the revelation that had just happened, their bodies a good distance away from each other, two forces pushing and pulling.
"Now can you stop?" Siwan speaks, breaking their trance.
The almost hopeful smile on Kwanghee's face fades before he even gets the chance to wear it. "Stop what?"
"Everything," Siwan exasperatingly says, eyes tired and unreadable, pushes himself away from Kwanghee as if they shouldn't be doing this, as if none of this should have ever been allowed to exist.
"I don't. I don't understand." Kwanghee smiles awkwardly, all open arms and confusion, "What do you-"
"Everything, just," Siwan sighs. He looks at Kwanghee and finds that the disappointment in his frown breaks his heart and makes him feel like the most horrible person on earth, but he decides to continue anyway as if on autopilot, because he's always known to follow his mind over his heart.
"Just stop touching me. Every damn time. Okay? Just stop it."
Kwanghee tries to let Siwan's words sink in, repeats the words over and over in his head and feels nothing but a hollow pang in his chest plus something surely even more painful coming down a million miles ahead, can already taste the poison gradually permeate his skin.
"Siwannie," Kwanghee says, soft and familiar, refusing to believe it as he chuckles in denial, "You're kidding, right?"
But Siwan doesn't reply, doesn't mutter a single word as he wordlessly stares at Kwanghee with eyes that speak nothing of humor.
"I didn't know you hated it that much," Kwanghee says so quietly it hurts, and it's at these very moments that Siwan wants to take back all the things he had just said, take everything back, because nothing's more painful than seeing bright, boisterous, never take anything too seriously Kwanghee hurt like this.
"But okay. Okay. If that's what you want, then okay. I'll stop," Kwanghee says.
Siwan feels an apology stuck in his throat, his mouth hanging in an uncertain way because he needs to say something, has got to say something to make it all better but it's too late for half-hearted excuses and overdue apologies when he has absolutely no idea what's going on himself.
"Look, I'm not sorry for anything," Kwanghee adds, his usual aura gradually coming back, "If you haven't noticed, I treat everyone the same way as I treat you."
No, Siwan raises his eyebrows, his mouth slightly gaping in disbelief, anger starting to boil in his blood. No. Nonono you don't, you fucking liar. You do that to cover up the truth. You do that so you won't be the only one losing in this petty game we can't stop playing.
"You're my best friend, so I guess I just happen to be more touchy with you, that's all. I mean. We're best friends, right?" Kwanghee shrugs casually as if he wasn't on the verge of crying just a few moments ago, as if none of this even matters to him. "You know, if it bothers you so much then you should have told in the first place, since way back. Really, I wouldn't have been so... if you told me. Or." Kwanghee pauses.
"Or could it be that you may have feelings for me?" Kwanghee adds cheekily, "Come on, Siwan-ah. I know it's easy to fall in love with me."
Siwan punches him on the shoulder, hard, so hard that Kwanghee's face falters as he takes a step back from the force of it. It's not humorous to be playing around at this time, there's so much tension in the atmosphere that they feel like they might just die from choking on it.
"Ouch! I was just kidding!" Kwanghee pouts and rubs his shoulder with a pained expression, "Can't you take a joke?"
There's an unmistakable bitterness that underline the tone of Kwanghee's voice, Siwan can tell. He doesn't reply, because he didn't hear any kind of possible joke that was exchanged through words a few moments ago.
"Hey, let's head back," Kwanghee says. "They're probably looking for us."
If this is a game they're playing, Siwan doesn't know whether this is the finish line or the starting round of another game that they're trapped in, one that is much more complicated and difficult to understand.
§
The next few days after that, Siwan is shocked to find nobody pestering him about the incident, given the fact that Kwanghee is the opposite of being tight-lipped about secrets, and hardly anybody notices anything different given the busy schedule that they have.
They can almost forget it ever happened, sometimes wondering if it really did because everything is still so normal, so banal, even-
Except Kwanghee doesn't wrap his arm around Siwan's shoulders anymore, and when he does, it's only during photoshoots that require the members looking all cuddled up and cozy and when flash! the photographer captures the moment, Kwanghee removes his hand as if coming in close contact with fire.
Siwan doesn't find Kwanghee following him like a shadow anymore, doesn't feel his fingers touch his skin or mercilessly pinch his cheeks, doesn't find his arms wrapped around his waist and towering over his frame. Siwan doesn't feel like he can just keep to his quiet self when he feels like it because there's no one there to be loud with, no one there to to fill up the empty space that Kwanghee fills up so perfectly.
Siwan realizes that maybe he does need Kwanghee after all, almost scaring him how small things could make such a big difference and how these fragments of their relationship make such a big impact on him when they've gone missing, because Kwanghee, somewhere along the way of meticulously breaking down Siwan's walls piece by piece, somehow managed to make himself become a part of Siwan.
Siwan realizes that it's impossible to not acknowledge how much he misses Kwanghee because he leaves such an empty space behind when they're fighting like this, and Siwan thinks that he needs to move, movemovemove-
because as much as he hates to admit it, Kwanghee's always been the braver one out of the two them, and it's about time that Siwan returns him the favor.
§
Junyoung corners Siwan one day, slings an easy arm around his shoulder, a relaxed, brotherly let's talk after dance practice and really, he must be a fucking mind reader because nobody seems to notice anything wrong, or anything different at all. They head straight to the building's rooftop before bidding the other members a see you later, we'll follow behind, we just need to talk to the president to finalize the schedule of our plans to which they all mindlessly nod their heads to.
"How long have you known?" Siwan asks in frustration, baffled at how Junyoung doesn't seem even one bit surprised or shocked.
"But hasn't he," Junyoung glances tentatively at Siwan, that no nonsense look plastered on his face whenever he talks about a touchy subject, "Hasn't he always... liked you, Siwan-ah?"
Siwan plays with his shoelaces, pulls the loops and tightens the ribbon. It's so dark out and there's just something about the night that strips him off his defense and allows his vulnerability to show.
"Junyoung-ah," Siwan says carefully, slowly. "Do you like him?"
Junyoung takes a double take and stares at Siwan in surprise. "What do you- Well, of course! Of course I like Kwanghee. Who doesn't? What are you trying to get at?"
"Junyoung-ah, you've known him the longest."
"Yes, but hold on for a second, why did you ask me if I like him?"
"Well, I've always thought," Siwan pauses.
"Always thought?"
"Don't. Don't get mad at me or anything."
"Yeah, of course," Junyoung urges on.
"Well, I know that you don't like men or anything, but I've always thought that you, sort of, I don't know, like him. Well not exactly because it's quite difficult to explain but."
"No! What are you talking about?" Junyoung laughs it off immediately, contrary to the faint blush rising in his cheeks. "Yes, I do like him, but not in that wa-"
"Really?"
"You're making this too complicated. What do I have to do with anything about this?" Junyoung chuckles and subtly shifts the topic, "Bottom line is, he likes you. What else is there to know?"
Siwan shrugs, suddenly so thankful that he has someone to talk to about this and this is exactly why Junyoung was picked to be their leader, not him, nor Kevin, because Junyoung has a good head on his shoulders and really takes the initiative to fix whatever conflicts the members may have, with or without each other, and it's such a gift that Siwan didn't have the heart to secretly become bitter or jealous when he wasn't the one who was chosen to be their leader.
"Kwanghee's actually really fragile despite his self. Just so you know, it's still a mindfuck to me how amazing you two get along so well."
"It's a mindfuck for me, too," Siwan lightly laughs, the atmosphere getting a bit lighter now.
"I don't really know how to go about your problem, but. Just let him know how you feel."
Siwan concentrates at the open palms on his lap, quiet and contemplative.
"What if I don't know how I feel?"
"Think harder," Junyoung replies, "Or, feel harder. I don't know. You must feel something, right? Try to amplify that. Maybe you're just in denial."
Siwan doesn't reply.
"Maybe you're not. I wouldn't know. I'm just saying. It's hard to find someone who truly cares about you."
"What are you trying to say?" Siwan turns to look at Junyoung amidst their dark surroundings and finds that there's a sad something in Junyoung's warm smile that Siwan can't quite point out.
"I'm trying to say that," Junyoung pauses, finding it hard to express his thoughts on the matter, "I think that you should take anything that comes along your way, even if you're quite unsure, even if you don't know what the hell you're getting into, if it's been on your mind a lot and it makes you restless, you should let yourself go and see what happens next."
"Of course I'm not talking about taking drugs or anything like that," Junyoung chuckles, "But you do get me."
"Of course," Siwan whispers and nods his head.
"Ahh, really. I don't even know if I'm making sense anymore!" Junyoung laughs.
"No, you do make sense," Siwan admits, tracing lines and non-existent shapes on the cloth of his jogging pants. "A lot of sense, if you ask me."
"Kwanghee-ah. Man." Junyoung stares at him and sighs, a cheeky smile plastered on his face. "I don't know anyone who could be as crazy and reckless and ridiculously disgusting as him, but Siwan-ah, you know what they say about opposites attra-"
"Junyoung-ah," Siwan looks away and whines in embarrassment.
"Just fix things soon with him. Okay?" Junyoung gives Siwan an encouraging pat on his shoulder and stands up. "Before things get any worse. Everything will turn out fine. I'll go get us something to drink, okay? I'll wait for you in the car."
"Junyoung-ah," Siwan calls out before Junyoung exits through the door.
Junyoung turns to his side and looks at the man sitting on the floor.
"I'm sorry," Siwan says after a pause, and looks away.
"For what?" Junyoung blinks.
Siwan doesn't reply and smiles a sad, quiet smile that's hard to decipher with their dim surroundings.
"Don't. You have nothing to worry about," Junyoung offers him a smile and exits, letting Siwan drown in his own thoughts.
§
If this is the wrong way of following Junyoung's advice, then Siwan doesn't know the right way to go about it.
Siwan pulls Kwanghee to the isolated rooftop of their apartment building one day because if he lives through another minute of Kwanghee's incessant whines and complaints of how they're all brothers and why, why, Junyoung-ah, Heechul-ah, why can't we share our underwear again? he thinks that he just might burst into flames.
When they reach the rooftop, Siwan harshly lets go of Kwanghee's wrist.
"Can you stop it?"
"Stop what?" Kwanghee feigns disinterest, and it's so typical of him to act this way when he's bitter about something.
Siwan looks at him and groans in frustration.
"Look, I don't understand what you want from me." Kwanghee murmurs and starts fixing his hair, a tiny, effective gesture to irritate Siwan even more.
"Stop being so immature," Siwan mutters, in the brink of his patience. "You've been ignoring me."
"Isn't that what you wanted?"
"To be ignored?" Siwan sarcastically spits out, hand resting on his hip. "Did I ever ask to be ignored?"
"I haven't been ignoring you, I'm just doing what you told me to do! You're being too paranoid."
Siwan's jaw tightens, Kwanghee's attempts of taking this further effectively getting on his nerves, "This is ridiculous."
"But look, Siwan-ah, now you're here, complaining about something I can't even begin to comprehend because as far as I know, I haven't been doing anything wrong. Why am I the immature one now?" Kwanghee demands, his body language defensive and they're most definitely fighting now, "What more can you want from me? Because clearly, nothing I do, no matter how hard I try, ever seems to please you."
"Stop it, you fucking jerk." Siwan pushes Kwanghee hard and grips the collar of his shirt, his chest tightening and his voice starting to shake.
"Siwan," Kwanghee cautiously looks at him, his shirt being fisted by Siwan's hands.
"Look, what do you want from me?"
Kwanghee face drops. "Siwan, calm down."
"Don't tell me to calm down!" Siwan points angrily at him.
"Siwan," Kwanghee gently grabs Siwan's wrists despite the latter's vice grip on his shirt.
"You don't tell me what to do, you don't tell me how to feel," Siwan mutters angrily, tears blurring his eyes now, "Why must everything depend on you?"
Kwanghee stares at him in shock and disbelief, gently says, "Look, hey. I'm sorry."
"So now you're saying sorry, when you said you have nothing to apologize for. What's the matter with you? Why can't you make up your fucking mind?" Siwan looks down, and for a moment there he feels as if he's talking to his self.
"I had no idea you'd feel this way. That you'd think all my actions towards you mean something more, I mean, what do you expect me to do? What do you expect me to do? You go on and act like nothi-"
"How could you think I wouldn't?" Siwan lets go of Kwanghee's shirt and says in anger and desperation, "When you do it all the fucking time, and me, why me, of all people? Then you expect me to make a miracle happen and assume that oh, they don't mean anything at all? Do you think I'm stupid?"
"No," Kwanghee mutters immediately, "No, not at all. It's just that-"
"God. Stop fucking with me," Siwan looks away and swiftly turns to exit.
"Wait!" Kwanghee grabs Siwan's wrist, his heart pounding so fast because this is all happening too quickly, "Wait, just. Do you really want to know the truth?"
Siwan doesn't turn to face Kwanghee, his heart begins to pace in a different manner that excites him and terrifies him at the same.
"You're not going to like it," Kwanghee's voice drops, and the grip of his hand on Siwan's wrist loosens.
"What is it?"
"Siwan."
"Just say it!" Siwan turns to look at Kwanghee and still keeps his defense on guard despite his anger quickly dissolving.
"I can't-" Kwanghee pauses and looks away, desperate and hopeless, and it's not usual to get Kwanghee all speechless and tongue tied like this, "I don't. I can't. I don't know how-"
"Just say it," Siwan tiredly says.
"I like you," Kwanghee spits out, a huge weight lifted of his shoulders, "There. I said it."
Unbearable silence fills the air. They avoid each others eyes, the two of them not being able to grasp the reality of it all.
"No, you see, I like you," Kwanghee starts to explain a tad bit hysterically because he might as well explain himself now that he has admitted something that he never thought he would, "As in, I really, really like you. No, not in the way you want me to. Do you understand now?"
Siwan's face turns into an unreadable expression of anger, disbelief, disgust, horror, Kwanghee can't really tell.
"I'm messed up, aren't I. Are you happy now? I told you you wouldn't like it," Kwanghee continues, pouring his heart out now, "Who would? I mean, I'm ruining everything as we speak, right at this very moment. Do you know how hard it is for me? To lie to myself and pretend that I don't like anyone when he's right there, beside me, all around me, everywhere, every single fucking day? Do you know how hard it is to suppress everything and act like nothing's bothering me when yes, yes, I may be happy all the time, Siwan-ah, but that doesn't mean that I don't have problems with myself and the fucked up things that I feel, and I really, really didn't mean to like you in this way, Siwan-ah, honest to god, I did not mean to, and just."
Tears form in the back of Siwan's face, his chest so tight that it's become physically painful.
"Just," Kwanghee morosely says, so full and so quiet that it hurts, "Don't hate me. Okay?"
Siwan bites his lips to stop the tears from falling because everything absolutely hurts and whywhywhy, Siwan thinks to himself, how in the world could I possibly have the heart to hate you?
"You're such an idiot," Siwan doesn't think this time, follows what his heart tells him to do and tightly wraps his arms around Kwanghee's waist, buries his face on Kwanghee's shoulder and grips onto Kwanghee for dear life, afraid that he might just disappear.
They sit together against the wall, basking themselves in comfortable silence that speak a thousand words as they watch the sky turn into different shades of blue.
"I like you," Kwanghee breaks the silence, unconsciously keeping his fingers busy by drawing shapes on the floor with a dirty coin that he found on the ground, "And, if that's not good enough, since you'd kill me anyway and hate me forever when all of this is over, I guess I might as well say that, well, you see... No, you obviously don't, because I think, and everyone else around us thinks that I've been pretty obvious, and really, I didn't think I ever had to spell it out for you, but. I've liked you. For quite some time now, to be honest. You hear that, Siwannie?"
"I think I'm in love with you," Kwanghee whispers softly, his hollow chest trembling because everything that is happening is giving him such an overwhelming feeling.
When Kwanghee turns to his side, he finds Siwan turned away, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand.
Kwanghee shifts to the side and places his palm on Siwan's knee, "Why are you crying?"
"I'm not crying," Siwan stands up and immediately looks away, hands up to hide his tears.
"Hey," Kwanghee walks over to Siwan and embraces him from behind, "Hey, come here."
"Why couldn't you just tell me," Siwan grips Kwanghee's forearms as the latter slowly sways them side to side, "You could have just told me. What were you so scared of?"
"The same things you're scared of, silly," Kwanghee playfully hits the side of Siwan's head, "And wasn't I rather obvious?"
Siwan's a man of action rather than words, so he turns around, holds Kwanghee's face and gives him a real kiss, one that he deserves. It's a bit messy and awkward, Siwan's tears staining Kwanghee's cheeks and they haven't kissed someone in such a long time and the feeling is quite new, but it's one that they could most definitely get used to.
Siwan opens his mouth to grant Kwanghee's tongue entrance, closes his eyes and wraps his arms around Kwanghee's neck as the latter holds his waist and pushes him against the wall. Kwanghee kisses slow and perfect, tilting his head to dig in deeper, know Siwan better, twisting and turning and dancing inside this kiss as they both breathe for two.
"It's so weird. I can't believe I'm actually kissing you," Siwan bites his lips when they pull away, his hands resting on Kwanghee's shoulders and a blush rising on his cheeks.
"Well you see, I'm not the one who's crying like a baby, if you hadn't been crying then your lips wouldn't have been trembling in the first place! I'm not the one who's a bad kisser here!" Kwanghee pinches Siwan's cheeks.
Siwan clenches his jaw and turns to start walking away before Kwanghee grabs his wrist and pulls him back in his arms again.
"Hey, I was just kidding!" Kwanghee pouts and fingers the dried up tears on Siwan's cheeks, "You look pretty when you cry. I'm jealous. I look like shit when I do."
"But you always look like shit," Siwan laughs.
"Hey! That's not very nice," Kwanghee pouts, and knows that Siwan's just kidding, only relieved to see a laugh break out from his pretty face.
"And correction! By that, I'm guessing you mean hot shit and yes, I'm quite aware of that fact," Kwanghee pulls Siwan's waist closer and smiles his bright smile. "But anyway, I say we should kiss some more so then it wouldn't be so weird, yes?"
"You freak."
"Can we start pda-ing again?" Kwanghee grins cheekily and pinches Siwan's cheeks, "Really, I think the fans are onto us!"
Siwan grimaces and playfully pushes Kwanghee away.
"Ch, you wish."
Kwanghee/Siwan, very tiny!Junyoung/Kwanghee
PG ; 3670 w.
Rooftops
You make me restless,
You make me cry,
Like a fool, Like a child
☆ Can You Hear Me? - Tae Yeon
Siwan kisses Kwanghee one day, and it is anything but perfect.
How it happened, none of them are quite sure. Kwanghee's still got his arms around Siwan's frame for the nth time despite Siwan's obvious irritation and failed attempts of struggling free from the former's grasp. Siwan's nails dig in Kwanghee's skin, his pushes hard and forceful but the latter just won't break free, won't let Siwan let loose, hands quick and needy, and isn't this how they always are? But something inside Siwan snaps, and the next thing he knows is that he's pinning Kwanghee against the wall, his angry, determined eyes meeting shocked, unreadable ones as his arms brace Kwanghee on the wall.
Siwan holds his breath, shuts his eyes tight and kisses Kwanghee straight on the lips, quick and fleeting.
They pull away and breathe heavily as if they had just kissed each other for hours. It takes a while for them to recover and to realize the revelation that had just happened, their bodies a good distance away from each other, two forces pushing and pulling.
"Now can you stop?" Siwan speaks, breaking their trance.
The almost hopeful smile on Kwanghee's face fades before he even gets the chance to wear it. "Stop what?"
"Everything," Siwan exasperatingly says, eyes tired and unreadable, pushes himself away from Kwanghee as if they shouldn't be doing this, as if none of this should have ever been allowed to exist.
"I don't. I don't understand." Kwanghee smiles awkwardly, all open arms and confusion, "What do you-"
"Everything, just," Siwan sighs. He looks at Kwanghee and finds that the disappointment in his frown breaks his heart and makes him feel like the most horrible person on earth, but he decides to continue anyway as if on autopilot, because he's always known to follow his mind over his heart.
"Just stop touching me. Every damn time. Okay? Just stop it."
Kwanghee tries to let Siwan's words sink in, repeats the words over and over in his head and feels nothing but a hollow pang in his chest plus something surely even more painful coming down a million miles ahead, can already taste the poison gradually permeate his skin.
"Siwannie," Kwanghee says, soft and familiar, refusing to believe it as he chuckles in denial, "You're kidding, right?"
But Siwan doesn't reply, doesn't mutter a single word as he wordlessly stares at Kwanghee with eyes that speak nothing of humor.
"I didn't know you hated it that much," Kwanghee says so quietly it hurts, and it's at these very moments that Siwan wants to take back all the things he had just said, take everything back, because nothing's more painful than seeing bright, boisterous, never take anything too seriously Kwanghee hurt like this.
"But okay. Okay. If that's what you want, then okay. I'll stop," Kwanghee says.
Siwan feels an apology stuck in his throat, his mouth hanging in an uncertain way because he needs to say something, has got to say something to make it all better but it's too late for half-hearted excuses and overdue apologies when he has absolutely no idea what's going on himself.
"Look, I'm not sorry for anything," Kwanghee adds, his usual aura gradually coming back, "If you haven't noticed, I treat everyone the same way as I treat you."
No, Siwan raises his eyebrows, his mouth slightly gaping in disbelief, anger starting to boil in his blood. No. Nonono you don't, you fucking liar. You do that to cover up the truth. You do that so you won't be the only one losing in this petty game we can't stop playing.
"You're my best friend, so I guess I just happen to be more touchy with you, that's all. I mean. We're best friends, right?" Kwanghee shrugs casually as if he wasn't on the verge of crying just a few moments ago, as if none of this even matters to him. "You know, if it bothers you so much then you should have told in the first place, since way back. Really, I wouldn't have been so... if you told me. Or." Kwanghee pauses.
"Or could it be that you may have feelings for me?" Kwanghee adds cheekily, "Come on, Siwan-ah. I know it's easy to fall in love with me."
Siwan punches him on the shoulder, hard, so hard that Kwanghee's face falters as he takes a step back from the force of it. It's not humorous to be playing around at this time, there's so much tension in the atmosphere that they feel like they might just die from choking on it.
"Ouch! I was just kidding!" Kwanghee pouts and rubs his shoulder with a pained expression, "Can't you take a joke?"
There's an unmistakable bitterness that underline the tone of Kwanghee's voice, Siwan can tell. He doesn't reply, because he didn't hear any kind of possible joke that was exchanged through words a few moments ago.
"Hey, let's head back," Kwanghee says. "They're probably looking for us."
If this is a game they're playing, Siwan doesn't know whether this is the finish line or the starting round of another game that they're trapped in, one that is much more complicated and difficult to understand.
§
The next few days after that, Siwan is shocked to find nobody pestering him about the incident, given the fact that Kwanghee is the opposite of being tight-lipped about secrets, and hardly anybody notices anything different given the busy schedule that they have.
They can almost forget it ever happened, sometimes wondering if it really did because everything is still so normal, so banal, even-
Except Kwanghee doesn't wrap his arm around Siwan's shoulders anymore, and when he does, it's only during photoshoots that require the members looking all cuddled up and cozy and when flash! the photographer captures the moment, Kwanghee removes his hand as if coming in close contact with fire.
Siwan doesn't find Kwanghee following him like a shadow anymore, doesn't feel his fingers touch his skin or mercilessly pinch his cheeks, doesn't find his arms wrapped around his waist and towering over his frame. Siwan doesn't feel like he can just keep to his quiet self when he feels like it because there's no one there to be loud with, no one there to to fill up the empty space that Kwanghee fills up so perfectly.
Siwan realizes that maybe he does need Kwanghee after all, almost scaring him how small things could make such a big difference and how these fragments of their relationship make such a big impact on him when they've gone missing, because Kwanghee, somewhere along the way of meticulously breaking down Siwan's walls piece by piece, somehow managed to make himself become a part of Siwan.
Siwan realizes that it's impossible to not acknowledge how much he misses Kwanghee because he leaves such an empty space behind when they're fighting like this, and Siwan thinks that he needs to move, movemovemove-
because as much as he hates to admit it, Kwanghee's always been the braver one out of the two them, and it's about time that Siwan returns him the favor.
§
Junyoung corners Siwan one day, slings an easy arm around his shoulder, a relaxed, brotherly let's talk after dance practice and really, he must be a fucking mind reader because nobody seems to notice anything wrong, or anything different at all. They head straight to the building's rooftop before bidding the other members a see you later, we'll follow behind, we just need to talk to the president to finalize the schedule of our plans to which they all mindlessly nod their heads to.
"How long have you known?" Siwan asks in frustration, baffled at how Junyoung doesn't seem even one bit surprised or shocked.
"But hasn't he," Junyoung glances tentatively at Siwan, that no nonsense look plastered on his face whenever he talks about a touchy subject, "Hasn't he always... liked you, Siwan-ah?"
Siwan plays with his shoelaces, pulls the loops and tightens the ribbon. It's so dark out and there's just something about the night that strips him off his defense and allows his vulnerability to show.
"Junyoung-ah," Siwan says carefully, slowly. "Do you like him?"
Junyoung takes a double take and stares at Siwan in surprise. "What do you- Well, of course! Of course I like Kwanghee. Who doesn't? What are you trying to get at?"
"Junyoung-ah, you've known him the longest."
"Yes, but hold on for a second, why did you ask me if I like him?"
"Well, I've always thought," Siwan pauses.
"Always thought?"
"Don't. Don't get mad at me or anything."
"Yeah, of course," Junyoung urges on.
"Well, I know that you don't like men or anything, but I've always thought that you, sort of, I don't know, like him. Well not exactly because it's quite difficult to explain but."
"No! What are you talking about?" Junyoung laughs it off immediately, contrary to the faint blush rising in his cheeks. "Yes, I do like him, but not in that wa-"
"Really?"
"You're making this too complicated. What do I have to do with anything about this?" Junyoung chuckles and subtly shifts the topic, "Bottom line is, he likes you. What else is there to know?"
Siwan shrugs, suddenly so thankful that he has someone to talk to about this and this is exactly why Junyoung was picked to be their leader, not him, nor Kevin, because Junyoung has a good head on his shoulders and really takes the initiative to fix whatever conflicts the members may have, with or without each other, and it's such a gift that Siwan didn't have the heart to secretly become bitter or jealous when he wasn't the one who was chosen to be their leader.
"Kwanghee's actually really fragile despite his self. Just so you know, it's still a mindfuck to me how amazing you two get along so well."
"It's a mindfuck for me, too," Siwan lightly laughs, the atmosphere getting a bit lighter now.
"I don't really know how to go about your problem, but. Just let him know how you feel."
Siwan concentrates at the open palms on his lap, quiet and contemplative.
"What if I don't know how I feel?"
"Think harder," Junyoung replies, "Or, feel harder. I don't know. You must feel something, right? Try to amplify that. Maybe you're just in denial."
Siwan doesn't reply.
"Maybe you're not. I wouldn't know. I'm just saying. It's hard to find someone who truly cares about you."
"What are you trying to say?" Siwan turns to look at Junyoung amidst their dark surroundings and finds that there's a sad something in Junyoung's warm smile that Siwan can't quite point out.
"I'm trying to say that," Junyoung pauses, finding it hard to express his thoughts on the matter, "I think that you should take anything that comes along your way, even if you're quite unsure, even if you don't know what the hell you're getting into, if it's been on your mind a lot and it makes you restless, you should let yourself go and see what happens next."
"Of course I'm not talking about taking drugs or anything like that," Junyoung chuckles, "But you do get me."
"Of course," Siwan whispers and nods his head.
"Ahh, really. I don't even know if I'm making sense anymore!" Junyoung laughs.
"No, you do make sense," Siwan admits, tracing lines and non-existent shapes on the cloth of his jogging pants. "A lot of sense, if you ask me."
"Kwanghee-ah. Man." Junyoung stares at him and sighs, a cheeky smile plastered on his face. "I don't know anyone who could be as crazy and reckless and ridiculously disgusting as him, but Siwan-ah, you know what they say about opposites attra-"
"Junyoung-ah," Siwan looks away and whines in embarrassment.
"Just fix things soon with him. Okay?" Junyoung gives Siwan an encouraging pat on his shoulder and stands up. "Before things get any worse. Everything will turn out fine. I'll go get us something to drink, okay? I'll wait for you in the car."
"Junyoung-ah," Siwan calls out before Junyoung exits through the door.
Junyoung turns to his side and looks at the man sitting on the floor.
"I'm sorry," Siwan says after a pause, and looks away.
"For what?" Junyoung blinks.
Siwan doesn't reply and smiles a sad, quiet smile that's hard to decipher with their dim surroundings.
"Don't. You have nothing to worry about," Junyoung offers him a smile and exits, letting Siwan drown in his own thoughts.
§
If this is the wrong way of following Junyoung's advice, then Siwan doesn't know the right way to go about it.
Siwan pulls Kwanghee to the isolated rooftop of their apartment building one day because if he lives through another minute of Kwanghee's incessant whines and complaints of how they're all brothers and why, why, Junyoung-ah, Heechul-ah, why can't we share our underwear again? he thinks that he just might burst into flames.
When they reach the rooftop, Siwan harshly lets go of Kwanghee's wrist.
"Can you stop it?"
"Stop what?" Kwanghee feigns disinterest, and it's so typical of him to act this way when he's bitter about something.
Siwan looks at him and groans in frustration.
"Look, I don't understand what you want from me." Kwanghee murmurs and starts fixing his hair, a tiny, effective gesture to irritate Siwan even more.
"Stop being so immature," Siwan mutters, in the brink of his patience. "You've been ignoring me."
"Isn't that what you wanted?"
"To be ignored?" Siwan sarcastically spits out, hand resting on his hip. "Did I ever ask to be ignored?"
"I haven't been ignoring you, I'm just doing what you told me to do! You're being too paranoid."
Siwan's jaw tightens, Kwanghee's attempts of taking this further effectively getting on his nerves, "This is ridiculous."
"But look, Siwan-ah, now you're here, complaining about something I can't even begin to comprehend because as far as I know, I haven't been doing anything wrong. Why am I the immature one now?" Kwanghee demands, his body language defensive and they're most definitely fighting now, "What more can you want from me? Because clearly, nothing I do, no matter how hard I try, ever seems to please you."
"Stop it, you fucking jerk." Siwan pushes Kwanghee hard and grips the collar of his shirt, his chest tightening and his voice starting to shake.
"Siwan," Kwanghee cautiously looks at him, his shirt being fisted by Siwan's hands.
"Look, what do you want from me?"
Kwanghee face drops. "Siwan, calm down."
"Don't tell me to calm down!" Siwan points angrily at him.
"Siwan," Kwanghee gently grabs Siwan's wrists despite the latter's vice grip on his shirt.
"You don't tell me what to do, you don't tell me how to feel," Siwan mutters angrily, tears blurring his eyes now, "Why must everything depend on you?"
Kwanghee stares at him in shock and disbelief, gently says, "Look, hey. I'm sorry."
"So now you're saying sorry, when you said you have nothing to apologize for. What's the matter with you? Why can't you make up your fucking mind?" Siwan looks down, and for a moment there he feels as if he's talking to his self.
"I had no idea you'd feel this way. That you'd think all my actions towards you mean something more, I mean, what do you expect me to do? What do you expect me to do? You go on and act like nothi-"
"How could you think I wouldn't?" Siwan lets go of Kwanghee's shirt and says in anger and desperation, "When you do it all the fucking time, and me, why me, of all people? Then you expect me to make a miracle happen and assume that oh, they don't mean anything at all? Do you think I'm stupid?"
"No," Kwanghee mutters immediately, "No, not at all. It's just that-"
"God. Stop fucking with me," Siwan looks away and swiftly turns to exit.
"Wait!" Kwanghee grabs Siwan's wrist, his heart pounding so fast because this is all happening too quickly, "Wait, just. Do you really want to know the truth?"
Siwan doesn't turn to face Kwanghee, his heart begins to pace in a different manner that excites him and terrifies him at the same.
"You're not going to like it," Kwanghee's voice drops, and the grip of his hand on Siwan's wrist loosens.
"What is it?"
"Siwan."
"Just say it!" Siwan turns to look at Kwanghee and still keeps his defense on guard despite his anger quickly dissolving.
"I can't-" Kwanghee pauses and looks away, desperate and hopeless, and it's not usual to get Kwanghee all speechless and tongue tied like this, "I don't. I can't. I don't know how-"
"Just say it," Siwan tiredly says.
"I like you," Kwanghee spits out, a huge weight lifted of his shoulders, "There. I said it."
Unbearable silence fills the air. They avoid each others eyes, the two of them not being able to grasp the reality of it all.
"No, you see, I like you," Kwanghee starts to explain a tad bit hysterically because he might as well explain himself now that he has admitted something that he never thought he would, "As in, I really, really like you. No, not in the way you want me to. Do you understand now?"
Siwan's face turns into an unreadable expression of anger, disbelief, disgust, horror, Kwanghee can't really tell.
"I'm messed up, aren't I. Are you happy now? I told you you wouldn't like it," Kwanghee continues, pouring his heart out now, "Who would? I mean, I'm ruining everything as we speak, right at this very moment. Do you know how hard it is for me? To lie to myself and pretend that I don't like anyone when he's right there, beside me, all around me, everywhere, every single fucking day? Do you know how hard it is to suppress everything and act like nothing's bothering me when yes, yes, I may be happy all the time, Siwan-ah, but that doesn't mean that I don't have problems with myself and the fucked up things that I feel, and I really, really didn't mean to like you in this way, Siwan-ah, honest to god, I did not mean to, and just."
Tears form in the back of Siwan's face, his chest so tight that it's become physically painful.
"Just," Kwanghee morosely says, so full and so quiet that it hurts, "Don't hate me. Okay?"
Siwan bites his lips to stop the tears from falling because everything absolutely hurts and whywhywhy, Siwan thinks to himself, how in the world could I possibly have the heart to hate you?
"You're such an idiot," Siwan doesn't think this time, follows what his heart tells him to do and tightly wraps his arms around Kwanghee's waist, buries his face on Kwanghee's shoulder and grips onto Kwanghee for dear life, afraid that he might just disappear.
They sit together against the wall, basking themselves in comfortable silence that speak a thousand words as they watch the sky turn into different shades of blue.
"I like you," Kwanghee breaks the silence, unconsciously keeping his fingers busy by drawing shapes on the floor with a dirty coin that he found on the ground, "And, if that's not good enough, since you'd kill me anyway and hate me forever when all of this is over, I guess I might as well say that, well, you see... No, you obviously don't, because I think, and everyone else around us thinks that I've been pretty obvious, and really, I didn't think I ever had to spell it out for you, but. I've liked you. For quite some time now, to be honest. You hear that, Siwannie?"
"I think I'm in love with you," Kwanghee whispers softly, his hollow chest trembling because everything that is happening is giving him such an overwhelming feeling.
When Kwanghee turns to his side, he finds Siwan turned away, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand.
Kwanghee shifts to the side and places his palm on Siwan's knee, "Why are you crying?"
"I'm not crying," Siwan stands up and immediately looks away, hands up to hide his tears.
"Hey," Kwanghee walks over to Siwan and embraces him from behind, "Hey, come here."
"Why couldn't you just tell me," Siwan grips Kwanghee's forearms as the latter slowly sways them side to side, "You could have just told me. What were you so scared of?"
"The same things you're scared of, silly," Kwanghee playfully hits the side of Siwan's head, "And wasn't I rather obvious?"
Siwan's a man of action rather than words, so he turns around, holds Kwanghee's face and gives him a real kiss, one that he deserves. It's a bit messy and awkward, Siwan's tears staining Kwanghee's cheeks and they haven't kissed someone in such a long time and the feeling is quite new, but it's one that they could most definitely get used to.
Siwan opens his mouth to grant Kwanghee's tongue entrance, closes his eyes and wraps his arms around Kwanghee's neck as the latter holds his waist and pushes him against the wall. Kwanghee kisses slow and perfect, tilting his head to dig in deeper, know Siwan better, twisting and turning and dancing inside this kiss as they both breathe for two.
"It's so weird. I can't believe I'm actually kissing you," Siwan bites his lips when they pull away, his hands resting on Kwanghee's shoulders and a blush rising on his cheeks.
"Well you see, I'm not the one who's crying like a baby, if you hadn't been crying then your lips wouldn't have been trembling in the first place! I'm not the one who's a bad kisser here!" Kwanghee pinches Siwan's cheeks.
Siwan clenches his jaw and turns to start walking away before Kwanghee grabs his wrist and pulls him back in his arms again.
"Hey, I was just kidding!" Kwanghee pouts and fingers the dried up tears on Siwan's cheeks, "You look pretty when you cry. I'm jealous. I look like shit when I do."
"But you always look like shit," Siwan laughs.
"Hey! That's not very nice," Kwanghee pouts, and knows that Siwan's just kidding, only relieved to see a laugh break out from his pretty face.
"And correction! By that, I'm guessing you mean hot shit and yes, I'm quite aware of that fact," Kwanghee pulls Siwan's waist closer and smiles his bright smile. "But anyway, I say we should kiss some more so then it wouldn't be so weird, yes?"
"You freak."
"Can we start pda-ing again?" Kwanghee grins cheekily and pinches Siwan's cheeks, "Really, I think the fans are onto us!"
Siwan grimaces and playfully pushes Kwanghee away.
"Ch, you wish."