Way Out of Season, But The Conversation Took Place An Hour Ago...
I HATE CHRISTMAS
Okay, so I honestly think I am literally going to scream if one more person of any religious background tries to tell me I'm wrong for not celebrating Christmas. The last thing I want to do is tell other non-Christians that they're wrong for feeling whatever way they do about Christmas, but it simply is not and will never be a secular holiday to me, so please stfu forever about it. Do not tell me that it is a secular holiday. It's not to me. The fact that it's also about ~peace and love and charity~ does not make it a secular holiday to me. The fact that it's overly comercialized anyway does not make it a secular holiday to me. The fact that many Christmas traditions were pagan traditions originally does not make it a secular holiday to me (especially since, wtf, Wicca was the religion I converted from). The fact that some non-Christians celebrate it too does not make it a secular holiday to me. The fact that I like Christmas music does not make it a secular holiday to me. The fact that the powerful majority celebrates it does not make it secular and I find it all kinds of gross and invalidating of my identity to hear people talk about how ~Christmas is an American tradition!~
Now, let me be clear: If you are a non-Christian and you feel that Christmas is a secular holiday and you like to celebrate it as such? Good for you. No, really, good for you. Again, my intention is not to tell other non-Christians that they are wrong for feeling differently than I do. I am glad that you are comfortable with it and that you have had the level of religious autonomy in your life required to allow you to be comfortable with that. But I have not. Christmas doesn't mean peace and love and charity to me. There's a certain Hallmark/Christmas Carol version of it that I can swallow with a minimal amount of distress and a fair amount of enjoyment (Hey, I could go see DCPA's Christmas Carol every year until I died and probably not get tired of it) but the Christmas that I'm actually confronted with on a day-to-day basis every month of December means more sadness and anger and confusion to me. And if the subject comes up and I express to you that Christmas for the most part makes me feel sad and angry and confused, please do not tell me that I'm wrong and that I should just stop feeling that way. Helping: Ur Doing It Rong.
Yet every. single. time. that I mention that even though I apprechiate it aesthetically and I have fond memories of it from my childhood, I am not comfortable celebrating Christmas, I get the "Silly Satanist, you don't have to torture yourself by abstaining from Christmas!" speech, and I fucking hate it. No, really, you really do not understand the great depth to which I do not give a shit what Christmas is about to you and your family, my emotions and my history and my religion are not about you, and I don't want to do this. My heart is not in it. My heart is so far out of it that my heart is hanging out in fucking China because my heart is pretty sure the odds of having to look at another Christmas tree are lower there. I am not going to do this when my heart isn't in it.
And I know this isn't normal, okay? I know that I feel really exceptionally strongly about this. I have slowly learned over the years of talking to other converts that my experience actually is a little bit outside of the norm and fucked up in comparison to the experiences of most of the other converts I've talked to. That's kind of why I'm not really comfortable talking even to other converts about my experiences. They don't really seem to get it. And talking isn't actually helping so I think this might have to get filed right next to "The Real Reason Why We Left Denver" under things that I do not talk about. And I know that I am clearly not over these fucked up things that happened years ago, and I don't claim to be over them. But I am trying to be more aware of how they influence my reaction to things, because I do think that sometimes when it comes to issues of Christian privilege I overreact.
But Christmas? Don't tell me I'm overreacting about Christmas. Just don't. Even if I am, just let me have this one. Me not overreacting isn't actually going to help anything here, since I don't want to stop anyone else from celebrating if they want. I just don't want to join in, and if/when I do join in, I feel worse for it.
Okay, so I honestly think I am literally going to scream if one more person of any religious background tries to tell me I'm wrong for not celebrating Christmas. The last thing I want to do is tell other non-Christians that they're wrong for feeling whatever way they do about Christmas, but it simply is not and will never be a secular holiday to me, so please stfu forever about it. Do not tell me that it is a secular holiday. It's not to me. The fact that it's also about ~peace and love and charity~ does not make it a secular holiday to me. The fact that it's overly comercialized anyway does not make it a secular holiday to me. The fact that many Christmas traditions were pagan traditions originally does not make it a secular holiday to me (especially since, wtf, Wicca was the religion I converted from). The fact that some non-Christians celebrate it too does not make it a secular holiday to me. The fact that I like Christmas music does not make it a secular holiday to me. The fact that the powerful majority celebrates it does not make it secular and I find it all kinds of gross and invalidating of my identity to hear people talk about how ~Christmas is an American tradition!~
Now, let me be clear: If you are a non-Christian and you feel that Christmas is a secular holiday and you like to celebrate it as such? Good for you. No, really, good for you. Again, my intention is not to tell other non-Christians that they are wrong for feeling differently than I do. I am glad that you are comfortable with it and that you have had the level of religious autonomy in your life required to allow you to be comfortable with that. But I have not. Christmas doesn't mean peace and love and charity to me. There's a certain Hallmark/Christmas Carol version of it that I can swallow with a minimal amount of distress and a fair amount of enjoyment (Hey, I could go see DCPA's Christmas Carol every year until I died and probably not get tired of it) but the Christmas that I'm actually confronted with on a day-to-day basis every month of December means more sadness and anger and confusion to me. And if the subject comes up and I express to you that Christmas for the most part makes me feel sad and angry and confused, please do not tell me that I'm wrong and that I should just stop feeling that way. Helping: Ur Doing It Rong.
Yet every. single. time. that I mention that even though I apprechiate it aesthetically and I have fond memories of it from my childhood, I am not comfortable celebrating Christmas, I get the "Silly Satanist, you don't have to torture yourself by abstaining from Christmas!" speech, and I fucking hate it. No, really, you really do not understand the great depth to which I do not give a shit what Christmas is about to you and your family, my emotions and my history and my religion are not about you, and I don't want to do this. My heart is not in it. My heart is so far out of it that my heart is hanging out in fucking China because my heart is pretty sure the odds of having to look at another Christmas tree are lower there. I am not going to do this when my heart isn't in it.
And I know this isn't normal, okay? I know that I feel really exceptionally strongly about this. I have slowly learned over the years of talking to other converts that my experience actually is a little bit outside of the norm and fucked up in comparison to the experiences of most of the other converts I've talked to. That's kind of why I'm not really comfortable talking even to other converts about my experiences. They don't really seem to get it. And talking isn't actually helping so I think this might have to get filed right next to "The Real Reason Why We Left Denver" under things that I do not talk about. And I know that I am clearly not over these fucked up things that happened years ago, and I don't claim to be over them. But I am trying to be more aware of how they influence my reaction to things, because I do think that sometimes when it comes to issues of Christian privilege I overreact.
But Christmas? Don't tell me I'm overreacting about Christmas. Just don't. Even if I am, just let me have this one. Me not overreacting isn't actually going to help anything here, since I don't want to stop anyone else from celebrating if they want. I just don't want to join in, and if/when I do join in, I feel worse for it.