Push and Pull - Oneshot
Title: Push and Pull
Chapters: Oneshot
Pairing: Minho/Jonghyun
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Angst
Summary: Minho has to leave. Jonghyun weeps.
"Minho..."
Unlike how you usually feel when he says your name, this time it only tightens the strings to your heart, like fine tuning a guitar enough for the chords to snap. It's weird, and you feel your chest stinging, because his voice is so lost, so faint. It makes you feel guilty, selfish, and for seconds, maybe even hesitant. But you still have your back turned and won’t dare take a glance behind, because you know what you'll see if you do.
So you stay still, sitting on the bed in your room, gazing out the window as if that would grant you permission to pretend you're occupied. Your eyes pierce the glass with the splattering droplets, so concentrated on them, so presumably distracted. They keep you focused for the time being, and in control. You like being in control.
"Minho."
He doesn’t take a hint, he never has, but a part of you is glad he's still standing there, though he shouldn’t have to. You know you're acting stupid, an immature kind of nonchalant, but you don’t want him to get to you; like he always does. Its better this way, for both of you. Sometimes things just have to go the way they're supposed to, sometimes you can't fight it.
"Please, don't go..."
You can hear every syllable fall from his mouth, and you let each one hit you like fists to the face. Just those words make your head swim and its with great difficulty that you continue following the raindrops down their trail.
His voice is unstable, unlike his usual confident self. Its shaking, and forcefully whispered.
You hate yourself for acting so cruel; he doesn't deserve to suffer because you can't face him. But you just can't, not when he can break your heart by just meeting your eyes. Not when he's the only one you wouldn't dream of hurting, yet he had to be the one left behind, by you no less.
"I have to, Jonghyun. You know they found out about us, if the rest of the world does too, SHINee is fucked. The company wants me out."
You're good at sounding firm, its why you never loose arguments. Its why you never have them in the first place. You have a quiet and determined voice, but right now it sounds a bit too mechanical and forced, even to you, because your heart's not in it.
He's quiet for a bit, and you know he's fighting the urge to argue. All you can hear is his slow breathing and self-restraining to try and convince you its not over yet.
Only months ago, what you were going to eat for dinner was your biggest worry. Now, you would give anything to go back. Anything, because its almost choking you to imaging the expression on his face right now, behind you.
"I don't care! stay for me...please?"
He's almost begging. It catches you off guard, and you want him to stop talking. Its worse than anything you've heard before, and it doesn’t suit him.
"It doesn't work like that! Sometimes you can't get what you want! They're terminating my contract!" you say sternly in your more or less broken voice, angry at the company more than Jonghyun, but losing yourself in your upset state. "It was obvious they were going to split us if they found out, which they have. You're the lead singer, they need you, and I want you to be happy-
"Stop! Stop talking nonsense!"
"-and Key can take my rap lines, that's all I do after all. When I'm not a part of SHINee anymore, the fans won't need me. I have to move."
"I need you!"
Forgetting yourself, you abruptly turn around, ready to talk back, and ready to brush it off, like you've been planning to do.
But when you turn, you finally see his face in the dim light and you swallow back words you may or may not have intended to say.
He's crying, there are fresh trails down his cheeks and water glazing the rims of his eyes. You're rendered unable to speak, and move, because what you're seeing is something you've never wanted to, and something you've fought to prevent
His bangs are strewn in his face and he's gripping at the hems of his white pajama t-shirt, looking at you with those big sad eyes. You wonder if its actually possible to feel physical pain when your heart aches, because you're pretty sure it would be something like what you're feeling now.
He seems surprised that you've turned around, and quickly wipes his eyes with a small stifled sob that he's probably been holding back since he came in.
"Minho..." He chokes out, staring you directly in the eyes, burning your irises with his until you almost feel dizzy. He's beautiful, everything you've ever wanted, and now he's in tears because of you. You're a bad person, everything always makes you take the coward way out. It's hurting him, it's unnecessary.
There's the silence again. The paper thin, fragile, shattering silence.
Before you know it your body moves on its own accord. Up from the bed, racing across the floorboard, until you're only centimeters away from him, and he takes one step back.
"Jonghyun, don't cry. Please don't cry." You soothe him, and quickly wrap your arms around his frail frame, unable to hold back any longer.
He starts sobbing in your embrace as soon as he hears your words, and you hold him tighter. You can feel his frown through your shirt and one of his hands moving up to cling to your sleeve.
You hear him mumble, "Please," over and over again, but you remain silent, you don't say a word.
He won't let you go, and you don't dare try to. But all you can think about is how this will make it harder later, when you say a final goodbye. You had hoped you could distance yourself from him, act like it didn't mean as much as it did, ignore Jonghyun's childish inability to give you up. A clean break, it would make it less painful.
But you're stuck, with him in your arms, and you have no intentions of letting go. You're a fucking idiot, a sadistic and selfish bastard, but it's hard not to be in this situation. You tell yourself you'd rather soothe his heart now and break it later, than leave him with one that will forever remain unfixed. You try forgetting everything, just live in the moment. Because right now, you're there, he's there, and no one else is, but a voice screams in your head that he won't be for long.
You feel the pressure on your chest lessen, and now he's looking up at you again, with that broken expression, so intangibly rare. It pierces your heart and fucking shatters the protecting ribs. Why did it end up like this? You've never seen this side of him, the one that's completely abandoned of all hope and protest. You don’t want to see him like this, and you hope to God no one else ever has, it shouldn't be allowed. He's too good for this, too kind, too naive.
"Sshhh." You coo, cupping his face in your sweaty hands, because you want him to focus on you, right here right now, as well. You hold his gaze, having an inner battle with your own will and sanity.
Pull away, stop giving him false hope, because you can't change the future, and doing this is just digging the nail deeper into his wounds. He'll miss you, you know it. You've left him before, but you always come back. He's looking at you so longingly, and you're reminded of why you told yourself to turn your back on him in the first place, for exactly this reason. Don’t poor salt in it.
Its useless. Fuck.
Without thinking, you bring his face up to yours. He squeezes his eyes shut right before you lock him in a needy kiss, a slow and sweet one. This is definitely crossing the line. But the kiss is so careful, and his lips are salty, as soft as always, gently pressing against yours. It's so familiar, just like normal, and it makes you forget your whole situation, what you were set on doing, what you were thinking. Your need for him is so strong now, stronger yet your need to push yourselves both into oblivion.
He's still closing his eyes, a bit bewildered, and you don't blame him. You just spent the last half an hour pushing him away, and now you're forcing him closer, because of a reason you can't even define.
"Min-" Jonghyun attempts to get your attention, but you crash your lips closer together, with more force. You love him so much. So fucking much. He's so dear to you that you feel like laughing, because it's not even funny. You wish you didn't care, you really do. But God help you is that so far from the truth.
He's a bit more relaxed now, and you feel like you're slowly easing his pain with every movement of your lips on his. You place your hands carefully on his lower back and rub in circles on the thin fabric, the way you always do to calm him. He relaxes into you, and you feel like melting together with him and forming one entity.
You can tell he needs you, almost as much as you need him. It isn’t hard to tell, the way he's melting into you like you're a life support and a fucking last source of oxygen. But then you realize, as you pull away, that he's yours as well.
Stupid Jonghyun. He's the burn and the bliss at the same time.
"Why do you want to forget me?" You hear him say.
You want to slap him, you really do. Forgetting is the one thing you never will, the one thing you don't want to. He's got nothing to do with you leaving, he's the reason you're still there, at 2 am in the morning. The reason you missed your flight to Bonsan yesterday, and why you still haven't finished packing.
You pull away from him, and turn around, angry; because dragging this out is really the worst form of torture. Bad enough to make you want to escape again.
Grabbing a few forlorn items on your bed, you move to hastily throw them into your half-full suitcase; but he's standing in front of it, blocking the way.
"Move." you say.
"No." he counters, and you know he's too stubborn to obey
So you sigh, place your t-shirt back on the cover of the bed and plop down beside it. Soon he's next to you, arms around your shoulders, and he feels like a satellite that’s just orbiting continuously around you, making you dizzy to the point of nausea
Eventually you both fall back on the bed, asleep next to each other. Both exhausted, both tired. You hope he has peaceful dreams, because yours are definitely not. Not when you're about to commit the biggest mistake of your life. The worst you'll ever get.
The silence and darkness surround your bodies in a temporary haven. You’re both exhausted, both deflated. But you are the only one who wakes at the sound of thunder from outside.