BYBR Discussion - Chapter 1 - Indication
Hi, everyone! I'm sorry this is late; we got busier than expected in my shops. This is a discussion of Chapter 1-Indication in Beyond the Yellow Brick Road.
I want these discussions to be good for all of us, so if there's something you'd like me to focus on, feel free to comment at any time whether it's about the story itself or the writing of it. As I wrote each BYBR chapter, I settled on one word to title it that I felt best described the vibe of that chapter. Indication still feels like the perfect word for this one. Rereading this chapter got me all emotional again [which will probably be a running theme in these write ups, lol]. There are several themes within BYBR that surface later in the story, but the beginning themes are Time & Change and how they affect a relationship. I wanted to play with the idea of happily ever-after but not by framing it as a goal or a destination, but rather how it is in real life: an ongoing process that's definitely about love but one that's also about truth, acceptance, and freedom. Brian and Justin are two different people at two different stages in their lives and they're coming together to reform something special. They are not who they were when they met, although there is that undeniable attraction and love between them that informs their actions and commitment.
Now is the point in these posts where I feel like I'm just being preachy and breaking down BYBR to it's ingredients which will ultimately take the magic out of it, and I really don't want to do that. Because yes, there is a lot of science behind it (so to speak), but that science only exists because of their relationship in the first place. So if you feel like I am being too top-down with these things, it's okay to tell me. I want this to be fun for all of us!
Anyhoo...I love writing about conflict, especially when it's between two people who are ultimately bound together because that's an instance where conflict may actually get resolved because there's so much at stake that the involved parties can't or won't get up and walk away. And I like to portray conflict as it really is: layered. Yummy!
So the first level of conflict in this story from Brian's POV is what it's like to be back with a partner who wants to be a part of everything in your life. Brian is a very solo person, so having to come to terms with being in the deep end of a relationship he really wants creates opportunity for humor and for blind spots - like his relationship with The Car, and how important that is to him. Justin is right in thinking that Brian treats it like it's an equal partner and that that's kind of weird. Brian's also realizing that he has to figure out how much of himself to velcro to Justin and how much to keep separate and on its own.
And as Brian is trying to figure this out, a blind spot reveals itself when Justin sees his painting hanging over Brian's desk. I knew at the time that this painting would be central to the entire story, and from Justin's reaction to Brian's explanation we learn that there are shared truths and secrets between them at the same time. And now they both know it. One of my all time favorite moments of dialogue in all of BYBR is this:
The painting was propped against the back wall, covering three windows. He turned around and glared at you,
“You asshole.”
“You stole my painting.”
“I told you to leave me alone.”
“I’m not going to leave you alone. Not when you’re carrying murals around the fucking house by yourself in the middle of the night.”
“You had no right to buy that painting.” The fire in his eyes.
“It’s capitalism, Justin. I had every right.” He threw an empty paint can at you. You ducked.
And even though they both have a good inkling as to why this painting matters, neither of them wants to confront that issue. They want to fight around it. They are both aware at some level that there is some unattended darkness in each of them.
Though this chapter is written from Brian's POV, Justin's feelings are coming through pretty clearly. Part of that is because their age difference of twelve years puts them at very different stages of their lives throughout the story. Brian has reached a stage where he can feel happiness (Justin is back!) and pain and loss and despair (Something's very wrong...). Brian has matured in Justin's absence (in some ways, lol). And when I hear Justin in this chapter, I hear him grappling with something that's overwhelming to him (the trauma itself) and I feel how trapped he perceives himself in this situation. Why trapped? Because he's come back to Brian, and within days, he's having to confront something that he intentionally (subconsciously) left behind while - at the same time - feeling that he's back in Brian's world, in Brian's house, and with the evidence of Brian's behavior with nowhere to go but his studio (given to him by Brian) to feel safe. I think, had he discovered that painting on his own before that night, he would've been able to govern his emotions a little better. But that's not what's happened. It's been thrown in his face with a dose of Brian's defensiveness to boot.
And now the secret that there's still a secret between them is out.
“You know what the fuck I mean. This is why I hate you, Brian, because you stand there and act like you don’t know what the fuck I mean when you know damn good and well what the fuck I mean. This is why I hate you.”
Of course, Justin does not hate Brian, not even a little bit. But he hates this pain that's apart of both of them, and that it's followed him into his happily ever after and cast a shadow.
“It was mine to give away. Not yours to keep.” You stroked his hair, tried to comfort him. “You already have everything, Brian. You have all of it. I have nothing. Why do you have to scrounge for every last fucking thing?”
“I don’t know.” You wish you knew. There are so many things you wish you knew. “Just do whatever you want with it, Justin. Whatever you want.”
You thought you were saving something, a piece of him. What the fuck were you thinking? You’ve abandoned more of yourself in the last forty years of your life than you’ve ever cared to keep. Why can’t you grant him the same luxury?
Why isn’t he allowed to let go?
Why indeed. That's the morsel inside the nugget of this story.
Brian retreats in a typical way, by dreaming about the events surrounding the prom with fear woven in. Fear that this is a real problem, and that it's affecting him at every level-personal and professional--and he has nowehere to go with it. He fears letting it back out after Justin's response and he begins to realize that part of Justin - someone who he loves inside and out - is truly fragile.
And then Brian employs his other tried and true defense mechanism at the end of the chapter: avoidance. So now the stage has been set with an amorphous image of the strife between them, and, ultimately, one that will have no easy or equitable fix.
I'd love to hear your thoughts! I will try to post Chapter 2-Threshold next week sometime because this is Mother's Day weekend. Have a great week! ~ Plum
I want these discussions to be good for all of us, so if there's something you'd like me to focus on, feel free to comment at any time whether it's about the story itself or the writing of it. As I wrote each BYBR chapter, I settled on one word to title it that I felt best described the vibe of that chapter. Indication still feels like the perfect word for this one. Rereading this chapter got me all emotional again [which will probably be a running theme in these write ups, lol]. There are several themes within BYBR that surface later in the story, but the beginning themes are Time & Change and how they affect a relationship. I wanted to play with the idea of happily ever-after but not by framing it as a goal or a destination, but rather how it is in real life: an ongoing process that's definitely about love but one that's also about truth, acceptance, and freedom. Brian and Justin are two different people at two different stages in their lives and they're coming together to reform something special. They are not who they were when they met, although there is that undeniable attraction and love between them that informs their actions and commitment.
Now is the point in these posts where I feel like I'm just being preachy and breaking down BYBR to it's ingredients which will ultimately take the magic out of it, and I really don't want to do that. Because yes, there is a lot of science behind it (so to speak), but that science only exists because of their relationship in the first place. So if you feel like I am being too top-down with these things, it's okay to tell me. I want this to be fun for all of us!
Anyhoo...I love writing about conflict, especially when it's between two people who are ultimately bound together because that's an instance where conflict may actually get resolved because there's so much at stake that the involved parties can't or won't get up and walk away. And I like to portray conflict as it really is: layered. Yummy!
So the first level of conflict in this story from Brian's POV is what it's like to be back with a partner who wants to be a part of everything in your life. Brian is a very solo person, so having to come to terms with being in the deep end of a relationship he really wants creates opportunity for humor and for blind spots - like his relationship with The Car, and how important that is to him. Justin is right in thinking that Brian treats it like it's an equal partner and that that's kind of weird. Brian's also realizing that he has to figure out how much of himself to velcro to Justin and how much to keep separate and on its own.
And as Brian is trying to figure this out, a blind spot reveals itself when Justin sees his painting hanging over Brian's desk. I knew at the time that this painting would be central to the entire story, and from Justin's reaction to Brian's explanation we learn that there are shared truths and secrets between them at the same time. And now they both know it. One of my all time favorite moments of dialogue in all of BYBR is this:
The painting was propped against the back wall, covering three windows. He turned around and glared at you,
“You asshole.”
“You stole my painting.”
“I told you to leave me alone.”
“I’m not going to leave you alone. Not when you’re carrying murals around the fucking house by yourself in the middle of the night.”
“You had no right to buy that painting.” The fire in his eyes.
“It’s capitalism, Justin. I had every right.” He threw an empty paint can at you. You ducked.
And even though they both have a good inkling as to why this painting matters, neither of them wants to confront that issue. They want to fight around it. They are both aware at some level that there is some unattended darkness in each of them.
Though this chapter is written from Brian's POV, Justin's feelings are coming through pretty clearly. Part of that is because their age difference of twelve years puts them at very different stages of their lives throughout the story. Brian has reached a stage where he can feel happiness (Justin is back!) and pain and loss and despair (Something's very wrong...). Brian has matured in Justin's absence (in some ways, lol). And when I hear Justin in this chapter, I hear him grappling with something that's overwhelming to him (the trauma itself) and I feel how trapped he perceives himself in this situation. Why trapped? Because he's come back to Brian, and within days, he's having to confront something that he intentionally (subconsciously) left behind while - at the same time - feeling that he's back in Brian's world, in Brian's house, and with the evidence of Brian's behavior with nowhere to go but his studio (given to him by Brian) to feel safe. I think, had he discovered that painting on his own before that night, he would've been able to govern his emotions a little better. But that's not what's happened. It's been thrown in his face with a dose of Brian's defensiveness to boot.
And now the secret that there's still a secret between them is out.
“You know what the fuck I mean. This is why I hate you, Brian, because you stand there and act like you don’t know what the fuck I mean when you know damn good and well what the fuck I mean. This is why I hate you.”
Of course, Justin does not hate Brian, not even a little bit. But he hates this pain that's apart of both of them, and that it's followed him into his happily ever after and cast a shadow.
“It was mine to give away. Not yours to keep.” You stroked his hair, tried to comfort him. “You already have everything, Brian. You have all of it. I have nothing. Why do you have to scrounge for every last fucking thing?”
“I don’t know.” You wish you knew. There are so many things you wish you knew. “Just do whatever you want with it, Justin. Whatever you want.”
You thought you were saving something, a piece of him. What the fuck were you thinking? You’ve abandoned more of yourself in the last forty years of your life than you’ve ever cared to keep. Why can’t you grant him the same luxury?
Why isn’t he allowed to let go?
Why indeed. That's the morsel inside the nugget of this story.
Brian retreats in a typical way, by dreaming about the events surrounding the prom with fear woven in. Fear that this is a real problem, and that it's affecting him at every level-personal and professional--and he has nowehere to go with it. He fears letting it back out after Justin's response and he begins to realize that part of Justin - someone who he loves inside and out - is truly fragile.
And then Brian employs his other tried and true defense mechanism at the end of the chapter: avoidance. So now the stage has been set with an amorphous image of the strife between them, and, ultimately, one that will have no easy or equitable fix.
I'd love to hear your thoughts! I will try to post Chapter 2-Threshold next week sometime because this is Mother's Day weekend. Have a great week! ~ Plum