Buhi~?
Another random dialogue about Kondou-san being drunk. I will write actual prose on Sannan and/or Suzu during my spring break but meanwhile... *coughs and bows* Yoroshiku~
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Notes: Tell me if you like? *puppy eyes* Or throw things at me. Whichever. ^^;;
Oki: Kondou-san! Okaeri nasai!
Kondou: *hic* Ara. Aren't you a pretty young thing.
Oki: *beam* Thank you!
Kondou: And what a cute cushion.
Saizou: *vein pop* Buhi.
Kondou: Where are you off to, honey?
Oki: Hijikata-san's room! Wanna join me?
Kondou: YES! *hic* Anywhere with yoooou.
Oki: *giggle* You're funny, Kondou-san.
Oki: Hijikata-san!
Hiji: No pigs in this room.
Saizou: BUKI!
Oki: Saizou isn't a pig, he's our pet!
Hiji: ...he's still a pig, aho.
Oki: Fine. *pouts and puts Saizou outside*
Kondou: TOSHI!
Hiji: *starts* Wtf?
Kondou: YOU SLY DOG YOU! Keeping such a pretty thing hidden from the rest of us...
Hiji: ...excuse me?
Oki: I'm the pretty thing.
Hiji: God, are you drunk?
Kondou: Don't be ridiculous, GYAAHAHAHAHA!
Hiji: ...Souji, lead him to his room please.
Kondou: Oooh. By all means. I have a good futo-
Hiji: *bellows* NAGAKURA!
Shin: *runs in* H-HAI!
Hiji: Take Kondou-san to his room.
Shin: What for?
Kondou: My, I'm just surrounded by cuties today.
Shin: ...oh, okay. Come on, Kondou-san.
Kondou: *hic* Hehehehe...
Shin: AAAAARRRRRGHHH!! *punch*
Hiji: ... ...
Shin: He groped my ass!
Kondou: *rubs cheek* Women are so violent these days...
Shin: I'm not a woman!
Oki: Aww, poor Kondou-san. *hugs*
Kondou: Yeeees, poor Kondou-san...
Hiji: GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY PROPERTY!
Oki: *squee* YES, HIJIKATA-SAN I AM YOUR PROPERTY!
Hiji: ....Thank you for reminding me, Souji.
Oki: *niko*
Kondou: You're a selfish bastard, Toshi. Although that does explain all those noises I hear at night.
Hiji: Get the hell out of my room.
Shin: I'm not taking him back. No way.
Hiji: Do it.
Shin: No.
Oki: I'll do it!
Hiji: NO. Fine, I'll do it.
Kondou: Bah, how bo*hic*ring. I'll go back myself.
Hiji: Even better.
Kondou: But first, a kiss from the two lovely-
Hiji: OUT.
Kondou: *stumbles in*
Heisuke: GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY, A PEEPING TOM! ...oh, it's you Kondou-san.
Sano: We're playing poker, want to join us?
Kondou: *blinks owlishly* What are you two doing in my room?
Sano: This is /our/ room, Kondou-san.
Kondou: Really? *hic* So why is the futon on the floor? Huh? HUH? *hic* Only I sleep with the futon on the floor.
-pause-
Heisuke: Okay. I'm freaked, are you?
Sano: Mildly.
Heisuke: Just mildly? Kondou-san just spouted a bunch of random nonsense.
Sano: You do that all the time.
Heisuke: *smacks head* That's different, you ass.
Kondou: *kicks cards off and snuggles into futon*
Heisuke: NOOOO, and I had such promising cards!
Sano: Good for me then.
Heisuke: No it's not, Kondou-san's sleeping on your side of the futon.
Sano: ...gee, you're right. OH MY GOD, I HAVE TO SLEEP OUTSIDE!
Heisuke: ...wake him up then, moron.
Sano: Isn't it against the Shinsengumi rules to wake a sleeping Kyokuchou?
Heisuke: I think you just killed my brain.
Shin: *walks in* What's going- WHAT'S HE DOING HERE?!
Heisuke: Sleeping, obviously.
Shin: Quick, roll him out before he wakes up and sees me. Help me.
Heisuke: Oh boy! *happy* I've always wanted to roll the ol' Kyokuchou.
Shin: Saitoh-san.
Saitoh: Konbanwa.
Shin: Konbanwa. We have a gift for you.
Saitoh: Oh?
Shin: *rolls Kondou in* Just take care of him till morning.
Saitoh: ......
Heisuke: Try rolling him, he's fun to roll!
Saitoh: Bunch of wingnuts. I'm going to bed.
Shin: Okay, but take care of him. *points to Kondou*
Saitoh: Fine.
-later-
Kondou: Mmmm.
Saitoh: ...*rolls over*
Kondou: *boot*
Saitoh: !!!!....*shifts so he's further away from Kondou*
Kondou: *mumble* Wan'pocky. Pockypockypocky.
Saitoh: ......
-knocking sounds-
Hiji: Mmph. *buries head in Oki's hair*
Oki: Someone knocking...
Hiji: Ignore it.
Oki: Mm.
Saitoh: *pokes head in* Excuse me.
Hiji: Go'way.
Saitoh: But I brought Kondou-san with me.
Hiji: Even worse. Go'way.
Saitoh: He's talking in his sleep. I can't sleep.
Hiji: Tough. Go'way.
Oki: Wha's going on?
Saitoh: Kondou-san's talking about pocky. I can't sleep.
Oki: Ooh. I like pocky. Strawberry or chocolate?
Saitoh: *rolls Kondou in* Ask him.
Oki: Kondou-san, strawberry or chocolate?
Hiji: He's asleep, Souji.
Oki: Doesn't mean he can't answer me.
Hiji: Saitoh, go'way, please.
Saitoh: Can I at least dump him next to the pig pen?
Hiji: Fine. Anywhere but here.
Saitoh: Okay.
-morning-
Heisuke: Look who's rolling in the mud with the pigs! Kondou-san's so cool!
Shin: Only Kyokochou in the world to play with pigs, huh?
Heisuke: Yeah, he's resetting the standards. Look at him.
Sano: Isn't it unhygenic?
Heisuke: So?
Shin: He's not moving though.
Heisuke: Maybe it's a new form of play. It's the "let's see who moves first" mud game.
Shin: What kind of screwed up pig plays that?
Heisuke: I would if I were a pig.
Sano: Ewww.
Saitoh: Ohayo.
Heisuke: Look at the Kyokuchou, he's playing a game with the family pigs. He's such a family man.
Saitoh: If you say so.
Shin: How was he last night?
Heisuke: SHINPATTSUAN! That's sick and WRONG!
Shin: ...what?
Heisuke: You disgust me.
Shin: You have the mind of a dirty old man.
Heisuke: ME? I didn't ask how Kondou-san was last night!
Saitoh: I believe he meant how well he slept last night.
Heisuke: Yeah. With YOU!
-pause-
Heisuke: No?
Saitoh: Not with your definition, no.
Shin: So?
Saitoh: He was talking too much, so I rolled him into the pig pen.
-silence-
Heisuke: That's just cruel.
Saitoh: How so?
Heisuke: You can't fault a man just because he likes sweet-talking you while he's-
Shin: TRALALALALALALA, I HEAR NOTHING!
Sano: What? I'm confused.
Saitoh: .....
Oki: Ohayo! ...what's Kondou-san doing in the pig pen?
Shin: Sleeping.
Heisuke: Because Saitoh-san spurned him.
Oki: Really?
Saitoh: I did nothing of the sort.
Heisuke: Saitoh-san throws all spurned lovers in the pig pen of HELL.
Saitoh: I do NOT.
Oki: It's not a pig pen of hell! *pouts*
Saizou: *runs up and hops into Oki's arms* Buhi buhibuhiBUHI.
Oki: Awww. Saitoh-san, Saizou says Kondou-san is stinking up the pen, so you should remove him.
Saitoh: Kondou-san is stinking up the pen?
Saizou: BUHIII buhibuhi.
Oki: His alcohol breath is.
Shin: I can't believe you understand the pig, Okita-san.
Oki: It's simple, really.
Heisuke: Oh wait... the kyokuchou was drunk last night?
Sano: ...even /I/ realised that.
Heisuke: I GET IT!
Sano: Get what?
Heisuke: I know why Saitoh-san got mad. Kondou-san was drunk... and he tried to RAPE SAITOH-SAN!
-last phrase echoes through compound-
Everyone: ......
Heisuke: So it's true?
Hiji: *stomps over* WHO THE F*CK TRIED TO RAPE SAITOH?
Oki: Kondou-san apparently.
Shin: I kind of... doubt that.
Sano: EWWWWW.
Saitoh: ...don't talk as if I'm not here.
Heisuke: I feel your pain, Saitoh-san.
Saitoh: Oi.
Hiji: ...Kondou-san tried to rape Saitoh-san?
Saitoh: He didn't.
Oki: Really? Are you sure? It's okay Saitoh-san, we're here for you.
Saizou: Buhi.
Shin: Even the pig looks sympathetic. Ouch.
Sano: I feel SICK.
Saitoh: ......
Hiji: When did this happen?
Oki: Last night?
Saitoh: In Toudou-san's twisted mind.
Heisuke: But you said Kondou-san was drunk.
Saitoh: Drunk people do not randomly rape their subordinates.
Heisuke: Yes they do.
Oki: He did say I was a 'pretty young thing'.
Shin: And he did call me 'cute'.
Heisuke: Aww... but you /are/.
Shin: If you ever get drunk Heisuke, I might have to kill you.
Heisuke: Will remember that.
Sano: You know what? We should ask Kondou-san.
Heisuke: Yeah, like he'd admit it. "What? Ooh yes, I tried to rape Saitoh-san last night, but he got the better of me and tossed me in the pig pen."
Saitoh: He didn't do anything.
Oki: Wait... didn't you come over last night Saitoh-san?
Saitoh: Yes.
Oki: *ponders* What was it for again?
Hiji: Something about the pig pen.
Oki: Did you want to tell us about the raping thing?
Saitoh: ...no.
Oki: But you didn't dare to?
Saitoh: No, Okita-san.
Oki: Really?
Saitoh: Yes.
Kondou: *wakes up* Wha-?
Heisuke: Quick, question him now Hijikata-san, while he's still disoriented!
Hiji: ....idiocy. *leaves*
Oki: Well... if Saitoh-san says it isn't, then it isn't...
Heisuke: Aw, c'mon.
Saitoh: This is why I only mix with the dead. *wanders away*
Heisuke: Fine, I'll ask him. Kondou-san!
Shin: I don't know him. I don't know him. I don't know him.
Sano: But you do know him.
Shin: Never mind, Sano.
Sano: Uh. Okay.
Kondou: Ow... *clutches head* Where am I?
Heisuke: Kondou-san, did you try to rape Saitoh-san last night?
Kondou: Who?
Heisuke: Saitoh-san?
Kondou: *blinks* I... what?
Heisuke: Rape. Saitoh-san.
Kondou: Who did?
Heisuke: You.
Kondou: ...what?
Shin: Heisuke, leave the poor man alone.
Heisuke: But-
Shin: Come on. *drags Heisuke away* Sorry to bother you Kondou-san.
Kondou: Um. Anytime. Uh, boys?
Shin: Yes?
Kondou: What am I doing here?
Sano: The pigs wanted a playmate.
Kondou: I... see. *scratches head* Guess I must've been really drunk last night.
Heisuke: AH HAH! He admits-Mmf.
Shin: *drags Heisuke off with him, hand on mouth*
Sano: Sorry again.
Kondou: It's fine. No more late night drinking for me.
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Notes: Tell me if you like? *puppy eyes* Or throw things at me. Whichever. ^^;;
Oki: Kondou-san! Okaeri nasai!
Kondou: *hic* Ara. Aren't you a pretty young thing.
Oki: *beam* Thank you!
Kondou: And what a cute cushion.
Saizou: *vein pop* Buhi.
Kondou: Where are you off to, honey?
Oki: Hijikata-san's room! Wanna join me?
Kondou: YES! *hic* Anywhere with yoooou.
Oki: *giggle* You're funny, Kondou-san.
Oki: Hijikata-san!
Hiji: No pigs in this room.
Saizou: BUKI!
Oki: Saizou isn't a pig, he's our pet!
Hiji: ...he's still a pig, aho.
Oki: Fine. *pouts and puts Saizou outside*
Kondou: TOSHI!
Hiji: *starts* Wtf?
Kondou: YOU SLY DOG YOU! Keeping such a pretty thing hidden from the rest of us...
Hiji: ...excuse me?
Oki: I'm the pretty thing.
Hiji: God, are you drunk?
Kondou: Don't be ridiculous, GYAAHAHAHAHA!
Hiji: ...Souji, lead him to his room please.
Kondou: Oooh. By all means. I have a good futo-
Hiji: *bellows* NAGAKURA!
Shin: *runs in* H-HAI!
Hiji: Take Kondou-san to his room.
Shin: What for?
Kondou: My, I'm just surrounded by cuties today.
Shin: ...oh, okay. Come on, Kondou-san.
Kondou: *hic* Hehehehe...
Shin: AAAAARRRRRGHHH!! *punch*
Hiji: ... ...
Shin: He groped my ass!
Kondou: *rubs cheek* Women are so violent these days...
Shin: I'm not a woman!
Oki: Aww, poor Kondou-san. *hugs*
Kondou: Yeeees, poor Kondou-san...
Hiji: GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY PROPERTY!
Oki: *squee* YES, HIJIKATA-SAN I AM YOUR PROPERTY!
Hiji: ....Thank you for reminding me, Souji.
Oki: *niko*
Kondou: You're a selfish bastard, Toshi. Although that does explain all those noises I hear at night.
Hiji: Get the hell out of my room.
Shin: I'm not taking him back. No way.
Hiji: Do it.
Shin: No.
Oki: I'll do it!
Hiji: NO. Fine, I'll do it.
Kondou: Bah, how bo*hic*ring. I'll go back myself.
Hiji: Even better.
Kondou: But first, a kiss from the two lovely-
Hiji: OUT.
Kondou: *stumbles in*
Heisuke: GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY, A PEEPING TOM! ...oh, it's you Kondou-san.
Sano: We're playing poker, want to join us?
Kondou: *blinks owlishly* What are you two doing in my room?
Sano: This is /our/ room, Kondou-san.
Kondou: Really? *hic* So why is the futon on the floor? Huh? HUH? *hic* Only I sleep with the futon on the floor.
-pause-
Heisuke: Okay. I'm freaked, are you?
Sano: Mildly.
Heisuke: Just mildly? Kondou-san just spouted a bunch of random nonsense.
Sano: You do that all the time.
Heisuke: *smacks head* That's different, you ass.
Kondou: *kicks cards off and snuggles into futon*
Heisuke: NOOOO, and I had such promising cards!
Sano: Good for me then.
Heisuke: No it's not, Kondou-san's sleeping on your side of the futon.
Sano: ...gee, you're right. OH MY GOD, I HAVE TO SLEEP OUTSIDE!
Heisuke: ...wake him up then, moron.
Sano: Isn't it against the Shinsengumi rules to wake a sleeping Kyokuchou?
Heisuke: I think you just killed my brain.
Shin: *walks in* What's going- WHAT'S HE DOING HERE?!
Heisuke: Sleeping, obviously.
Shin: Quick, roll him out before he wakes up and sees me. Help me.
Heisuke: Oh boy! *happy* I've always wanted to roll the ol' Kyokuchou.
Shin: Saitoh-san.
Saitoh: Konbanwa.
Shin: Konbanwa. We have a gift for you.
Saitoh: Oh?
Shin: *rolls Kondou in* Just take care of him till morning.
Saitoh: ......
Heisuke: Try rolling him, he's fun to roll!
Saitoh: Bunch of wingnuts. I'm going to bed.
Shin: Okay, but take care of him. *points to Kondou*
Saitoh: Fine.
-later-
Kondou: Mmmm.
Saitoh: ...*rolls over*
Kondou: *boot*
Saitoh: !!!!....*shifts so he's further away from Kondou*
Kondou: *mumble* Wan'pocky. Pockypockypocky.
Saitoh: ......
-knocking sounds-
Hiji: Mmph. *buries head in Oki's hair*
Oki: Someone knocking...
Hiji: Ignore it.
Oki: Mm.
Saitoh: *pokes head in* Excuse me.
Hiji: Go'way.
Saitoh: But I brought Kondou-san with me.
Hiji: Even worse. Go'way.
Saitoh: He's talking in his sleep. I can't sleep.
Hiji: Tough. Go'way.
Oki: Wha's going on?
Saitoh: Kondou-san's talking about pocky. I can't sleep.
Oki: Ooh. I like pocky. Strawberry or chocolate?
Saitoh: *rolls Kondou in* Ask him.
Oki: Kondou-san, strawberry or chocolate?
Hiji: He's asleep, Souji.
Oki: Doesn't mean he can't answer me.
Hiji: Saitoh, go'way, please.
Saitoh: Can I at least dump him next to the pig pen?
Hiji: Fine. Anywhere but here.
Saitoh: Okay.
-morning-
Heisuke: Look who's rolling in the mud with the pigs! Kondou-san's so cool!
Shin: Only Kyokochou in the world to play with pigs, huh?
Heisuke: Yeah, he's resetting the standards. Look at him.
Sano: Isn't it unhygenic?
Heisuke: So?
Shin: He's not moving though.
Heisuke: Maybe it's a new form of play. It's the "let's see who moves first" mud game.
Shin: What kind of screwed up pig plays that?
Heisuke: I would if I were a pig.
Sano: Ewww.
Saitoh: Ohayo.
Heisuke: Look at the Kyokuchou, he's playing a game with the family pigs. He's such a family man.
Saitoh: If you say so.
Shin: How was he last night?
Heisuke: SHINPATTSUAN! That's sick and WRONG!
Shin: ...what?
Heisuke: You disgust me.
Shin: You have the mind of a dirty old man.
Heisuke: ME? I didn't ask how Kondou-san was last night!
Saitoh: I believe he meant how well he slept last night.
Heisuke: Yeah. With YOU!
-pause-
Heisuke: No?
Saitoh: Not with your definition, no.
Shin: So?
Saitoh: He was talking too much, so I rolled him into the pig pen.
-silence-
Heisuke: That's just cruel.
Saitoh: How so?
Heisuke: You can't fault a man just because he likes sweet-talking you while he's-
Shin: TRALALALALALALA, I HEAR NOTHING!
Sano: What? I'm confused.
Saitoh: .....
Oki: Ohayo! ...what's Kondou-san doing in the pig pen?
Shin: Sleeping.
Heisuke: Because Saitoh-san spurned him.
Oki: Really?
Saitoh: I did nothing of the sort.
Heisuke: Saitoh-san throws all spurned lovers in the pig pen of HELL.
Saitoh: I do NOT.
Oki: It's not a pig pen of hell! *pouts*
Saizou: *runs up and hops into Oki's arms* Buhi buhibuhiBUHI.
Oki: Awww. Saitoh-san, Saizou says Kondou-san is stinking up the pen, so you should remove him.
Saitoh: Kondou-san is stinking up the pen?
Saizou: BUHIII buhibuhi.
Oki: His alcohol breath is.
Shin: I can't believe you understand the pig, Okita-san.
Oki: It's simple, really.
Heisuke: Oh wait... the kyokuchou was drunk last night?
Sano: ...even /I/ realised that.
Heisuke: I GET IT!
Sano: Get what?
Heisuke: I know why Saitoh-san got mad. Kondou-san was drunk... and he tried to RAPE SAITOH-SAN!
-last phrase echoes through compound-
Everyone: ......
Heisuke: So it's true?
Hiji: *stomps over* WHO THE F*CK TRIED TO RAPE SAITOH?
Oki: Kondou-san apparently.
Shin: I kind of... doubt that.
Sano: EWWWWW.
Saitoh: ...don't talk as if I'm not here.
Heisuke: I feel your pain, Saitoh-san.
Saitoh: Oi.
Hiji: ...Kondou-san tried to rape Saitoh-san?
Saitoh: He didn't.
Oki: Really? Are you sure? It's okay Saitoh-san, we're here for you.
Saizou: Buhi.
Shin: Even the pig looks sympathetic. Ouch.
Sano: I feel SICK.
Saitoh: ......
Hiji: When did this happen?
Oki: Last night?
Saitoh: In Toudou-san's twisted mind.
Heisuke: But you said Kondou-san was drunk.
Saitoh: Drunk people do not randomly rape their subordinates.
Heisuke: Yes they do.
Oki: He did say I was a 'pretty young thing'.
Shin: And he did call me 'cute'.
Heisuke: Aww... but you /are/.
Shin: If you ever get drunk Heisuke, I might have to kill you.
Heisuke: Will remember that.
Sano: You know what? We should ask Kondou-san.
Heisuke: Yeah, like he'd admit it. "What? Ooh yes, I tried to rape Saitoh-san last night, but he got the better of me and tossed me in the pig pen."
Saitoh: He didn't do anything.
Oki: Wait... didn't you come over last night Saitoh-san?
Saitoh: Yes.
Oki: *ponders* What was it for again?
Hiji: Something about the pig pen.
Oki: Did you want to tell us about the raping thing?
Saitoh: ...no.
Oki: But you didn't dare to?
Saitoh: No, Okita-san.
Oki: Really?
Saitoh: Yes.
Kondou: *wakes up* Wha-?
Heisuke: Quick, question him now Hijikata-san, while he's still disoriented!
Hiji: ....idiocy. *leaves*
Oki: Well... if Saitoh-san says it isn't, then it isn't...
Heisuke: Aw, c'mon.
Saitoh: This is why I only mix with the dead. *wanders away*
Heisuke: Fine, I'll ask him. Kondou-san!
Shin: I don't know him. I don't know him. I don't know him.
Sano: But you do know him.
Shin: Never mind, Sano.
Sano: Uh. Okay.
Kondou: Ow... *clutches head* Where am I?
Heisuke: Kondou-san, did you try to rape Saitoh-san last night?
Kondou: Who?
Heisuke: Saitoh-san?
Kondou: *blinks* I... what?
Heisuke: Rape. Saitoh-san.
Kondou: Who did?
Heisuke: You.
Kondou: ...what?
Shin: Heisuke, leave the poor man alone.
Heisuke: But-
Shin: Come on. *drags Heisuke away* Sorry to bother you Kondou-san.
Kondou: Um. Anytime. Uh, boys?
Shin: Yes?
Kondou: What am I doing here?
Sano: The pigs wanted a playmate.
Kondou: I... see. *scratches head* Guess I must've been really drunk last night.
Heisuke: AH HAH! He admits-Mmf.
Shin: *drags Heisuke off with him, hand on mouth*
Sano: Sorry again.
Kondou: It's fine. No more late night drinking for me.