A fairwell to my Father - Last words on his death bed
Dad,
Life flashes before you die they say. I discovered this to be true on a personal level. Now though, as I am here crying, I am flashing through our life.
- Playing catch in the backyard, laughing hysterically when the pop fly ball was caught without looking
- White water rafting
- Summers at Walden
- Christmas mornings, discovering that Santa had come, and eaten up the cookies left out for him
- Indian Guides and Trail Blazers… winning the belching contest and you kissing the moose
- Always being late for everything
- Talking around the campfire… having the talk
- All the support you've given me
Just by the simple fact that I am writing this, it is clear that you are passing yourself on through me. You were always great with words, especially in your writing. Any time something needed to be said, if you took a while to compose a message, it delivered its message perfectly. Well, this is my attempt at doing the same thing.
Of all the people in my life, without a doubt, you are the one who has had the largest influence. I think my earliest memories with you are learning about Native Americans and their dancing. I’ve always felt that dancing has been a serious tie between us. I don't have many distinct memories of my earliest childhood, but some of my most vivid ones were learning to dance with other members of Walden. I remember the 'magical' fire lighting ceremony and believing that it really was the Great Spirit coming to bless the evening. Everybody would be gathered around the unlit fire, you would call out to the four winds, having us face in those directions each time, and magically, the fire would light itself. Once I was old enough to have a major role in these performances, you told me that it was a little device that you made up in order to pour a vial of liquid into a small lid of a chemical powder, causing it to catch fire, lighting the wood that was already soaked in kerosene.
At Walden, in Indian Guides, with Beechview, special shows and visits, we danced together. It was my personal claim to you. No one else had that but me. Not Amir, not mom, not anyone… but me. There were summer days spent in the backyard preparing for shows, hugs and tears after our first time doing the Eagle Dance together, and even a special trip to Washington D.C. to attend the National Powwow, where we even got up to dance once. We’ve done a lot together, and I can selfishly say that I am so happy that I had you all to myself during these times.
I want you to know that these traditions won’t stop with you. I fully intend to learn, continue to dance, and attempt to share what you’ve taught me with those who have grown to love it. And when I grow to have children myself, you can bet that there will be some Indian Guides and/or Princesses continuing on our little tradition.
Another thing that I can claim as being our thing is playing chess. At first, the games would go by rather quickly because I wasn’t that good, and although you would teach me, you wouldn’t just let me win. However, when I became better at chess, the games started to get longer… a lot longer. Whenever I had you in a little bind, you would think about your next move forever. You took such satisfaction in this, because by the time you finally moved, I was so anxious to get on with the game that I just moved without really thinking, and then before I knew it, you beat me… and I was even up a couple of pieces before that hour and a half that you were thinking. Well, if nothing else, I guess it taught me patience, which is probably a good thing as I now constantly have to deal with teenagers who test me persistently.
Of course, you didn’t only share events with me, but mannerisms and personality traits too. You would always hit me up with all sorts of jokes/riddles that I would have to figure out, and you would always have such a look of satisfaction on your face when you had me stumped. Then, with a smug grin sneaking out, you would give out a couple of clues, but they would of course be abstract or cryptic in nature. The earliest version of this would be our annual Easter egg hunt. You would divide the house in half, and proceed to have Amir and I scour the house for hours. Throughout the morning, you would walk back and forth between us laughing under your breath, especially when we came close to finding one but didn’t quite see it.
This became so embedded in my being that I started creating scavenger hunts for my friends when I was only in elementary school. Every time I decided to pull a fast one on somebody, I would always name you as my #1 influence for creating that mischievous nature in me. And you know that our sense of humor is along the same lines. We love to toy with people… and sometimes it seemed that we were the only ones that truly appreciated our sense of humor. What am I going to do now?
Then we move on to our actual professions, the thing that people would most clearly see as being the same between us. You’re an English professor, and I’m an English Teacher. And within our wonderful choices of career, you have passed on your infinite knowledge and skills, including that of procrastination and living the nocturnal life. When I was little, I would always see you grading through all hours of the night, taking naps, and working in the morning when I got up for school. At some point, I started following that pattern too. I would write papers at the last minute, do my grading at the last minute…do just about everything at the last minute. If there’s anything I can do first, like cleaning my room and doing laundry, I’ll do it… we obviously aren’t perfect.
I’m really glad that you were able to see me get my masters degree. I think that of all the motivations in my life, making you proud was probably the largest. You have always expressed how proud you were of Amir and me, which means the world to us. You are our hero dad. I feel that we have made your life feel better, more complete. You should be proud of yourself dad, because you are an exceptional man, an exceptional husband, and most importantly, an exceptional father. You were physically and emotionally present in our lives to make that impact. Our values, beliefs, confidence, and emotional health are all rooted in your parenting. I learned the true meaning and value of family and generosity and developed a sense of responsibility to myself and others. Every time I look at the troubles in another family, I count myself incredibly lucky to have the upbringing that I did.
You have said that you do not really care what we do with your body, but I think most of us are in agreement - we want to spread your ashes at the place our family holds most dear to us on a special sentimental level: Myers Lake. Growing up, we would always go camping there together. Camping was the one place where our family could truly be together. There was no TV or technology to pull people into their separate worlds. It was just us. We would talk, play cards and board games, swim, cook over the fire, eat fish, hike, bike, and just be lazy together. It was pure.
I think that many people’s fear is that when they are gone, that they will be forgotten. I assure you that will never be the case. Your legacy will be passed on. Through you, the world is different. Do you remember the poem by Larry S. Chengges that you always share?
Every moment that we are together,
I am learning something,
And that knowledge becomes a permanent part of me.
Though my feelings will be different a year from now,
Or ten years from now, part of the difference is You.
Because of you, I am a different person,
And the person that I will grow to become,
With or without you by my side,
Will have gotten there partly because of you.
If you were not in my life right now,
I could not be who I am right now.
Nor would I be growing in exactly the same way.
Much of what I grow toward, and change within myself,
Has to do with what I respond to in you, what I learn from you,
What I understand about myself through you,
And what I learn about my feelings in the dynamics of our relationship.
I do not worry about our future together,
Since we have already touched each other
And affected each other’s lives on so many levels
That we can never be totally removed from each other’s thoughts.
A part of me will always be you,
And a part of you will always be me.
That much is certain, no matter what else happens.
You have changed more than you can ever imagine. You are the stone that has been cast into the still pond; you affect everything, whether you know it or not. Your students share your knowledge, your friends and family share your memories, and your sons are a continuation of you. Amir and I will spread your wit and charm on to the world. You have raised us, and in doing so, have changed the lives of everyone we will ever touch.
I love you so much that it hurts. I want to make you happy. I want to make you proud. I hope to be even one half of the father that you have been to me. You showed me that it’s ok to be emotional, to love, to be tender, thoughtful, and generous.
Even though you were raised a catholic, I know that you took more to the beliefs and mentality of the Native Americans. Because of this, I feel that giving you some sort of a ceremonial farewell is more appropriate. And even though it may be a rain dance, I feel that the Eagle Dance may end up being a personal goodbye from me. As I’ve said, that was one thing that was just ours, and so I feel that it is the most personal gift that I can give you. A part of me will always be you, and a part of you will always be me. That much is certain, no matter what else happens.