grr
I thought my parents splitting up would solve their problems. I thought it's what they both wanted. I thought it would make everything better. I was wrong. It makes everything worse. I didn't know it would have them constantly talking about how bad the other one was, then apologizing every five seconds saying that they didn't want me in the middle of this, but yet I find myself being an outlet for them to spill all their negitive thoughts and feelings towards. I didn't know it would cause my dad to sink into a depressive state, always making little comments about the splitting up, and how he still loves my mom but she just doesn't love him. I didn't know I'd have to see him cry when he drove me to school, and I would just have to sit there and listen to my music and try my hardest not to listen. I wasn't aware that my mom would go out almost every night of the week, getting home later than I would on weekends, and not telling me where she goes. I didn't know that it would make me angry. But it does. It makes me so fucking angry I can't stand it.
I hate that they can't solve their problems. I hate my dad for not keeping promises and I hate my mom for brining this whole mess upon my life, even though I tell her I don't. I want her to be happy. I want my dad to be happy, he isn't. It bothers me so much. I hate myself for being happy at first. I hate that I thought this would make everything better, because you know what, it fucking doesn't. They hardly talk to eachother at home. One of them is always out or when they are home, they're in different rooms all the time, except for when they go to bed. I hate it. I hate it. I want to be strong. I wish I was strong. I remember what I told my mom today
"Matt and I grew up in a society where almost half the marriages end in divorce, we're not really like surprised, or distraught."
I lied. I didn't know it but I lied. I am distraught and Im just realizing it now.
I wish they could work out their problems. I wish my dad would keep his promises and I wish my mom could have just a little more paitence. I need to be strong. I need to be brave. I need someone to hug me and tell me everything is going to be alright and that I won't have to be stuck at home all the time, crying like a seven year old wishing that Mommy and Daddy loved eachother. I don't want people to know that Im crying about it, but I want them to just so I can get a hug and be told that things will get better and that this whole situation will work itself out in due time.
I want to live on a different planet. I want to run away and never have to deal with this ever again. I want a lot of things I can't have.
Here's another to add to the list.