[Snibble] The Second You Sleep; Insomnia {18}
Title: The Second You Sleep; Insomnia {18}
Info: Broken!Ki/F, friendship M/F, implied M/T.
1185w; PG - The 18th chapter of my 2010 NaNo (which is still unfinished, orz). It's not a small or huge or anything, I just wanted it post it here as a reminder that I need to finish it eventually. This is one of my favorite chapters though. x: (Completely horrid since I haven't done any edits AT ALL since writing the thing. Derp.)
Fujigaya knew he was brooding, but at the same time, he didn't really want to stop. There were too many emotions roiling inside, he wasn't sure what to do and with Kitayama forbidding him to do anything except teach the new kid, he was stuck with no outlet for release.
There was always, of course, the option to break the rules, but while they'd had their history together and all the disagreements, and while Kitayama's role in his life kept on changing, Fujigaya accepted the fact that he was the leader and while it made him twitch to sit on his hands and do nothing, he did it anyways.
There was also the matter of the boy he'd sent to the Underworld. It ate away at him. While Tsukada had contacted him to say that he and Totsuka now had the boy under their protection, Fujigaya monitored the boy's body. He'd connected himself to this Ryousuke with a thin thread of silver and checked up on him as often as he could. Unable to physically visit him, Fujigaya ended up having Taiga check on him ever few hours and send a report back to him.
Sometimes it was nice to have people who admired you and did things for you just because you asked and didn't ask questions because they knew you didn't want them asked.
Which was completely unlike the boy that Fujigaya had to deal with. Nikaido was constantly asking questions and giving him weird looks and grumbling and there were times when Fujigaya wanted to beat him to a pulp, but he refrained. For one, it wasn't really Nikaido's fault. For another, he and Kitayama would probably end up in another death match and he really would prefer not to go through something like that again when the scars from the previous incident had barely healed.
Sometimes Fujigaya felt sorry for Nikaido. It wasn't really Nikaido's fault he was endowed with the abilities of a Ranger. It wasn't even his fault that Kitayama wanted him trained as soon as possible.
It still made it hard for Fujigaya to accept that there was yet another person in the house and yet another person who could cause chaos, mess up his routines, and turn the mental order upside down.
Advice from the past slowly surfaced in his mind and he pushed them away in annoyance.
Taisuke, you cannot cling to the past or it will simply continue to consume you. You need to let go and walk forward with your chin up. The sun is still going to rise and your heart is still going to beat. Don't let it die, simply because you're afraid of how life will be the day after tomorrow.
He didn't want to let go.
Staring at his reflection in the mirror, Taisuke ignored the bags under his eyes and focused on his hair, sighing as he realized there was no point in dealing with it now. He'd catch a few more hours of sleep and fix it in the morning.
But as he exited the bathroom and crawled into his bed, he found sleep eluding him. He lay there, tossing and turning, beyond exhausted at this point and again unable to find the release he needed.
Maybe I am scared, he thought to himself, nearly on the brink of tears, frustrated. Finally giving in and knowing he'd never fall asleep at this rate, he rolled out of bed, padding as quietly as possible into the kitchen. Maybe a mug of hot chocolate would help him relax. He hoped it would.
“Stop pushing yourself like this.”
The words startled him and he nearly dropped the mug he'd been in the middle of selecting to spin around and stare at Miyata. Miyata stood there calmly, watching him from the doorway, wearing a sad expression that was so unlike himself. But Fujigaya had come to learn that his friend often showed whatever side he wished to show and hide whatever else he didn't.
“I'm just having problems sleeping,” He shrugged, turning back away so Miyata couldn't see how his hands were shaking.
Warm arms enveloped him, Miyata's nose buried in his hair and Fujigaya felt the tears come to him again. He wanted to let go and break down, feeling as if Miyata's embrace would somehow hold him together.
But he reminded himself about Kitayama and just closed his eyes, refusing the tears and refusing his own need for comfort.
“You're hurting yourself and you're hurting the rest of us by making us watch, Taisuke,” Miyata's voice was warm, comforting, and Fujigaya tried to shut it out, unprepared for it. “You need to let go.”
Finally placing the mug down, knowing he'd drop it if he tried to hold it any longer, he slowly turned and pushed Miyata away.
“I'm not letting go,” he told him, his tones strained. “I can't. It'd be like forgetting it even happened. I can't do that. It did happen,” Clenching his jaw, he bristled as his friend. “I will never forget what happened.”
“I'm not asking you to forget it, Taisuke,” Miyata replied softly, regarding him steadily, unflinching even as Fujigaya fixed him with a furious stare. “I'm just asking you to let go of it. In here,” Not caring if Fujigaya actually bit him or not, Miyata placed a hand over the other's heart. “We can't help you if you don't let us in.”
There was another long moment of silence, Fujigaya torn between fury and agony. Miserably, he pushed Miyata away again, gently this time. “I'm fine, Miyacchi,” he murmured, turning to exit the kitchen, escaping as soon as possible. “It's just insomnia.”
Miyata watched him leave, his expression saddening even more.
“Are you afraid of falling asleep still?” He asked the air, wishing there was something he could do, but with Fujigaya continually running away, shying whenever they came close, he wasn't sure if there was anything he could do anymore.
“Thanks for trying,” Kitayama materialized from the shadows next to the pantry, looking almost as exhausted as Fujigaya had and rather worried.
“I thought it was worth another shot... Yuuta really worries about him,” Shrugging helplessly, Miyata sank into a chair.
“Don't we all?” Kitayama asked, his lips curling into a dry smile as he settled himself opposite of the other. “I don't know anymore. It's been years and he's just keeps on...”
There was a stretch of silence, both of them thoughtful as they regarded each other. Miyata felt as if they both knew exactly what he was going to say next, but with Kitayama unwilling to voice the possibility, Miyata took it upon himself. “Mitsu... Have you ever thought that maybe we'll have to send him back to Elysium?”
Rubbing his eyes, Kitayama sighed, slumping slightly. “He'd never forgive us,” He replied finally. “He'd never forgive us and if he ever returned after that... I don't think he'd ever be the same.”
Kitayama looked up, eyes meeting Miyata's. “I'm afraid of losing him, Toshiya.”
Miyata smiled, feeling the dull, aching thud of his heartbeat. “I'm afraid that we might have already.”
Info: Broken!Ki/F, friendship M/F, implied M/T.
1185w; PG - The 18th chapter of my 2010 NaNo (which is still unfinished, orz). It's not a small or huge or anything, I just wanted it post it here as a reminder that I need to finish it eventually. This is one of my favorite chapters though. x: (Completely horrid since I haven't done any edits AT ALL since writing the thing. Derp.)
Fujigaya knew he was brooding, but at the same time, he didn't really want to stop. There were too many emotions roiling inside, he wasn't sure what to do and with Kitayama forbidding him to do anything except teach the new kid, he was stuck with no outlet for release.
There was always, of course, the option to break the rules, but while they'd had their history together and all the disagreements, and while Kitayama's role in his life kept on changing, Fujigaya accepted the fact that he was the leader and while it made him twitch to sit on his hands and do nothing, he did it anyways.
There was also the matter of the boy he'd sent to the Underworld. It ate away at him. While Tsukada had contacted him to say that he and Totsuka now had the boy under their protection, Fujigaya monitored the boy's body. He'd connected himself to this Ryousuke with a thin thread of silver and checked up on him as often as he could. Unable to physically visit him, Fujigaya ended up having Taiga check on him ever few hours and send a report back to him.
Sometimes it was nice to have people who admired you and did things for you just because you asked and didn't ask questions because they knew you didn't want them asked.
Which was completely unlike the boy that Fujigaya had to deal with. Nikaido was constantly asking questions and giving him weird looks and grumbling and there were times when Fujigaya wanted to beat him to a pulp, but he refrained. For one, it wasn't really Nikaido's fault. For another, he and Kitayama would probably end up in another death match and he really would prefer not to go through something like that again when the scars from the previous incident had barely healed.
Sometimes Fujigaya felt sorry for Nikaido. It wasn't really Nikaido's fault he was endowed with the abilities of a Ranger. It wasn't even his fault that Kitayama wanted him trained as soon as possible.
It still made it hard for Fujigaya to accept that there was yet another person in the house and yet another person who could cause chaos, mess up his routines, and turn the mental order upside down.
Advice from the past slowly surfaced in his mind and he pushed them away in annoyance.
Taisuke, you cannot cling to the past or it will simply continue to consume you. You need to let go and walk forward with your chin up. The sun is still going to rise and your heart is still going to beat. Don't let it die, simply because you're afraid of how life will be the day after tomorrow.
He didn't want to let go.
Staring at his reflection in the mirror, Taisuke ignored the bags under his eyes and focused on his hair, sighing as he realized there was no point in dealing with it now. He'd catch a few more hours of sleep and fix it in the morning.
But as he exited the bathroom and crawled into his bed, he found sleep eluding him. He lay there, tossing and turning, beyond exhausted at this point and again unable to find the release he needed.
Maybe I am scared, he thought to himself, nearly on the brink of tears, frustrated. Finally giving in and knowing he'd never fall asleep at this rate, he rolled out of bed, padding as quietly as possible into the kitchen. Maybe a mug of hot chocolate would help him relax. He hoped it would.
“Stop pushing yourself like this.”
The words startled him and he nearly dropped the mug he'd been in the middle of selecting to spin around and stare at Miyata. Miyata stood there calmly, watching him from the doorway, wearing a sad expression that was so unlike himself. But Fujigaya had come to learn that his friend often showed whatever side he wished to show and hide whatever else he didn't.
“I'm just having problems sleeping,” He shrugged, turning back away so Miyata couldn't see how his hands were shaking.
Warm arms enveloped him, Miyata's nose buried in his hair and Fujigaya felt the tears come to him again. He wanted to let go and break down, feeling as if Miyata's embrace would somehow hold him together.
But he reminded himself about Kitayama and just closed his eyes, refusing the tears and refusing his own need for comfort.
“You're hurting yourself and you're hurting the rest of us by making us watch, Taisuke,” Miyata's voice was warm, comforting, and Fujigaya tried to shut it out, unprepared for it. “You need to let go.”
Finally placing the mug down, knowing he'd drop it if he tried to hold it any longer, he slowly turned and pushed Miyata away.
“I'm not letting go,” he told him, his tones strained. “I can't. It'd be like forgetting it even happened. I can't do that. It did happen,” Clenching his jaw, he bristled as his friend. “I will never forget what happened.”
“I'm not asking you to forget it, Taisuke,” Miyata replied softly, regarding him steadily, unflinching even as Fujigaya fixed him with a furious stare. “I'm just asking you to let go of it. In here,” Not caring if Fujigaya actually bit him or not, Miyata placed a hand over the other's heart. “We can't help you if you don't let us in.”
There was another long moment of silence, Fujigaya torn between fury and agony. Miserably, he pushed Miyata away again, gently this time. “I'm fine, Miyacchi,” he murmured, turning to exit the kitchen, escaping as soon as possible. “It's just insomnia.”
Miyata watched him leave, his expression saddening even more.
“Are you afraid of falling asleep still?” He asked the air, wishing there was something he could do, but with Fujigaya continually running away, shying whenever they came close, he wasn't sure if there was anything he could do anymore.
“Thanks for trying,” Kitayama materialized from the shadows next to the pantry, looking almost as exhausted as Fujigaya had and rather worried.
“I thought it was worth another shot... Yuuta really worries about him,” Shrugging helplessly, Miyata sank into a chair.
“Don't we all?” Kitayama asked, his lips curling into a dry smile as he settled himself opposite of the other. “I don't know anymore. It's been years and he's just keeps on...”
There was a stretch of silence, both of them thoughtful as they regarded each other. Miyata felt as if they both knew exactly what he was going to say next, but with Kitayama unwilling to voice the possibility, Miyata took it upon himself. “Mitsu... Have you ever thought that maybe we'll have to send him back to Elysium?”
Rubbing his eyes, Kitayama sighed, slumping slightly. “He'd never forgive us,” He replied finally. “He'd never forgive us and if he ever returned after that... I don't think he'd ever be the same.”
Kitayama looked up, eyes meeting Miyata's. “I'm afraid of losing him, Toshiya.”
Miyata smiled, feeling the dull, aching thud of his heartbeat. “I'm afraid that we might have already.”