[One-shot] Wise men say only fools rush in
Title: Wise men say only fools rush in
Author: crazy_otaku911
Groups/Pairings: Hey!Say!JUMP, Yabu/Takaki, Hikaru/Inoo, one-sided Inoo/Yabu, past Takaki/Rubi, a mention of a Aya/Takaki/Haruma love triangle, Yuto/Yamada, with cameo appearances from ABC-Z and BAD.
Rating: PG
Summary: Sometimes it takes someone else pointing out the obvious to get how much you really want something. Takaki isn't sure what to do with his heart.
Disclaimer: This work is purely fiction.
Warnings: Slight angst, minor language, 1st person pov.
A/N: Written for jentfic_remix; Remix of hikarinoniji's Crushes, Heartbreak, Recovery, and Love. Probably more of Takaki's mind than one ever wants to read, but when looking at the original story, I thought it'd be fun to write it from Takaki's side of things as he goes through the events with Yabu. To add to the abusurdity of this fic, there is a soundtrack right here to listen to while reading! (Warning: There be kpop here. ;D) Gold star to my beta (yararanger) for putting up with me. ♥ You're a gem.
A lot of people think I’m the stupid one.
And while they may be right, it doesn’t mean I’m deaf, dumb, and blind. Of course not.
But sometimes they think that.
*
I wasn’t the first one to figure it out, but I definitely hadn’t been the last either. It was how things went, usually. I was in the middle of the pack, something like a nobody because I wasn’t the smart, biting one like Chinen and Hikaru were, nor was I the cutely oblivious one like Yamada.
And it really couldn’t be called eavesdropping when Yabu’s voice rang out through the dressing room with that annoying sing-song ‘Kei-chan~’. I was studiously buried in my magazine, thank you very much.
“Hey, Kou,” Inoo answered, and I didn’t have to look up to hear the smile in his voice, obviously in one of his rare good moods. Work had been difficult lately, and Inoo had school on top of everything. For the most part, we all forgave him for his barbs - we were all stretched thin enough as was.
I returned to my magazine, one ear following the conversation at hand while I contemplated another pair of boots. I didn’t need a new pair of boots, but they were such a nice brown…
Yabu was hedging, dancing around the way he did when he wanted something and he couldn’t (or wouldn’t) just ask for it outright.
“-but I was talking about us. As in the two of us. It’s been a while since we did something together.”
“Ah, I guess that’s true, ne.”
“So…what about we catch a movie together, tonight?”
Inoo laughed, clearly amused as he relented. “Okay, okay. A movie would be great.”
It was hard to ignore Yabu’s little dance of victory as he snatched up his phone, already planning on reserving tickets for the both of them as he so gleefully pointed out to Inoo.
Subtlety, thy name is Yabu Kouta.
I tried to push the corner of my lips up out of a frown. It just didn’t quite work, as something like dread filled my stomach. While it wasn’t eavesdropping, it also wasn’t any of my business. Yabu and Inoo went back ages, after all. What reason did I have to worry?
Yabu just had a tendency to be as stupid as the rest of us, which did worry me.
“Disaster brews in the air,” I hummed to myself.
“Say what?” Yuto had appeared, using my shoulder as an armrest as he examined the magazine.
“Mm, nothing… Just talking to myself.” I smiled as I snapped the magazine shut, handing it over to Yuto with a shrug. I didn’t really need those boots anyway. What I did need…
I turned to Keito, who’d trailed in after Yuto, giving him my best kitten-pleading eyes. “Keitooooo. I forgot my wallet!” I paused to jut my bottom lip out, just in case the predicament didn’t get me enough sympathy. “Buy me lunch?”
Keito just gave me long-suffering look before pulling his own wallet out.
I smiled, bouncing to my feet to follow him out of the dressing room.
*
“It’s was an amazing movie, I think you’d love it. It’s so intense and everything just kept me at the edge of my seat,” Yabu raved, and I shrugged a little, trying my best to look interested, but even I knew I wasn’t doing a good job. He gave me an odd look, before moving on to Chinen. I watched him go, frowning lightly.
Inoo plopped down on the couch next t o me, eyebrow raised. “What’s up with you? I thought you liked that movie. You’re the one who had been saying all the amazing things about it.”
I chewed my bottom lip for a moment, giving another shrug. “I’m just kinda out of it,” I lied, giving Inoo a slightly dazed look. “I was up super late playing that new Halo game with my brother.”
He laughed, smacking me over the back of my head, though not too hard. “Dork. Why do you do these things when you know we have early rehearsal days.”
“Hey!” I defended automatically, but Inoo just grinned, untangling his legs and going off to bug Hikaru. I watched him leave, my frown back in place.
In truth, I had liked the movie.
But Yabu totally didn’t seem to remember me telling him that a week ago.
*
I found myself sitting outside of JUMP’s dressing room the next morning, rear-end almost numb on the concrete floor.
Yamada appeared in the mouth of the hallway, and I earned my second weird look of the day. “What are you doing, Yuuyan.”
Grimacing, I gestured to the dressing room door, summarizing in one word: “Consummation.”
“The what?” Yamada looked alarmed before realization dawned. “You mean Inoo and Hikaru…?”
“Yeaaaaah.” I grimaced again, scrubbing my eyes for a moment, wishing that brain-bleach actually did exist, because there were all sorts of images that I didn’t need to ever see again, except my loving bandmates had burned them into my skull. I pull my hands away and give Yamada a dry smile - it could have been worse, at least they’d kept their clothes on - before adding, “But lucky you and Chii, Julie-san’s looking for you. Something about NYC.”
“Ah…” Yamada gave the dressing room door one last look before nodding, shouldering his bag again. “I guess I’ll see you later. I’ll try and catch Chinen before he gets here.”
I waved goodbye, settling myself back down. Someone was going to have to go into the danger-zone, but it wasn’t going to be me. I treasured my lifespan and brain cells.
It was another fifteen minutes before someone else approached, and this time it was Yabu, breezing in like summer itself. “Hey Yuuuuuyan,” he chirruped at me, eyes crinkled up in a smile as he reached for the doorknob. “What are you doing out here? It’s kind of weird.”
“I wouldn’t-” I tried to warn him, but he was already in through the door. Muffled gasps and a half-shrieked Fuck! was heard, but I wasn’t trying terribly hard to listen in. The dressing room door swung shut, and I shifted to crouch on my feet, trying to work feeling back into my hind-end, waiting for Daiki to show up before entering the room again.
I gave the couch a mournful look, all comfortable and padded beneath Inoo and Hikaru. I wasn’t sure that couch was going to be very safe much longer. I had liked that couch.
Daiki glanced at where Hikaru and Inoo’s fingers were twined and raised an eyebrow. “Oooh~? Someone went and got all official, did they?” The younger boy’s eyes danced with mischief, but Hikaru just smiled indulgently, making shooing motions at him.
“I’m glad,” Yabu was saying, his eyes crinkled all up again, but I couldn’t help but study his face for a moment. “For the both of you, I mean!”
I plopped myself into Yuto’s bean bag, dragging my bag towards me to find my hair-ties, deciding to just be the bystander. I couldn’t think of much to say, except something was nagging at the back of my mind. I just wasn’t sure what, quite yet.
“I’m glad too,” Hikaru replied, voice softer than normal as he slung an arm around Inoo’s shoulders, cuddling him close (was I ever going to want to touch the couch again?) as he spoke to Yabu. “I mean, I didn’t tell you, I wasn’t sure what you’d say, but thanks, Kouta.”
“But you better not make him cry, Hikaru,” Yabu said, letting out a strangely high-pitched laugh. “I know where you sleep.”
It dawned on me then what had been the matter. Despite the smile and the lilt in his voice, nothing Yabu had said until right then had felt sincere in the least.
Hikaru didn’t seem to notice, just looking down at Inoo with a smile, pressing a kiss to the top of the other’s head. “I’d never do anything to hurt him.”
I gagged, throwing my hands up in the air. My hair was tied, I was so ready for rehearsal. “I’m out of here. Gonna go see where Keito and Yuto are.”
Just to be an ass, Inoo made loud kissy noises at my back.
*
“I dunno, Hikaru seems really happy,” Keito said, lips pursed as he, Yuto, and I ate lunch. “He’s even putting a lot of effort into getting Inoo-kun a present, and that says a lot.”
I waved my hand, scoffing lightly. “I wasn’t questioning their happiness, I was just saying I didn’t think they were going to last very long.”
“Where’s your inner romantic?” Yuto teased, nudging at me as he stole my yogurt. “You’re usually the type to cheer them on.”
Hastily reclaiming my yogurt, I gave him a dirty look (more for the stealing, rather than the comment), “I just think that if they were really in love, they’d have figured that out ages ago.”
Keito was watching me with that knowing look of his. “You know, Rubi was a long time ago, you don’t need to sound so bitter.”
“I’ve dated other people besides Rubi,” I said, exasperated. “And at least my relationships never threatened anything within JUMP, think about what happens when-”
“If,” Yuto interjected quickly, still trying for the yogurt.
“When-“ I shot him a decidedly put-out look while continuing, “they break up? What if it’s bad?”
“I don’t think you should doom them from the start,” Keito replied, shrugging. “Don’t begrudge them their happiness, however long it lasts. It’s not like you’ll just know how everything will be when you first meet someone, right?”
I gave up on the conversation, letting Yuto get my yogurt in the process. It wasn’t that I didn’t want them to be happy, I just didn’t think they were going to last. “To me it feels like it’ll be a high school romance.”
“Yuuyan,” Yuto said after he finished my yogurt off with great zeal (I guess it was a good thing I didn’t care for that particular flavor… and that Keito had bought it.) “They’re not highschoolers. Neither are you. You’re all adults, remember? Adults do fall in love.”
“I know that!” I whined, giving him another dirty look. “And that’s not what I meant.”
“Break’s over,” Keito broke in quickly, standing up to grab the trash. “Both of you, move it back to the rehearsal hall.”
I swung my legs off the bench, grabbing my jacket. “I left my waterbottle in the dressing room,” I told them both. “I’ll be back in a minute.”
The waterbottle was never gotten, however, as I gently pushed open the door to the dressing room to find Yabu sitting on the couch, face buried in his hands.
*
”I just think it’s time to take a few steps back,” Rubi explained, sighing and giving me a small look of disappointment. “Please stop looking at me like that…”
“We don’t have to break up…” I told her, biting my lip and looking away, because I knew it wasn’t fair to stare at her so miserably.
Rubi sighed again, tucking her hair behind her ears in a gesture of nervous tension. “Yuya-kun, I just got fired… I need to start rethinking my life and well…” She paused to avert her eyes, the way I recognized as her building up to brutal honesty. “I don’t want to hate you, Yuya-kun. I know it wasn’t your fault, but you know…”
I understood. Of course I did, and I couldn’t even blame her for feeling that way, about how I was still in JUMP, but her agency was ‘graduating’ her from 9nine and terminating her contract in the process. I glanced down, wanting to reach out for her hand, but realizing it was far too late for that. Something like regret flooded through me.
It took me a few moments to realize she’d spoken again and I drew my eyes back up to her face, wondering if I’d ever see it again, when it was smiling properly.
I hadn’t wanted to be the one to make her not smile. “What?”
“It’s not like we were going to last forever anyways,” she told me as gently as possible, a sad smile appearing on her lips, not at all what I’d wanted to see. “We weren’t really in love and I think it’s just…” she sighed, meeting my eyes again, shaking her head and pulling herself to her face. “It’s not what you wanted… I’m sorry, Yuya-kun.”
And she was walking away, and I wanted to go after her, but something hurt inside, and I couldn’t get myself to move. It took me a while to realize my heart had broken.
It wasn’t Sorry, it was Goodbye.
*
The guilt clung to me for the next week as I kept my eyes trained on Yabu, waterbottle incident not forgotten as I dutifully trotted behind him into the rehearsal hall. I felt incredibly stupid for having known all along and not realizing it. Despite initial suspicions, the idea of Yabu being upset hadn’t really sunk into my skull.
I blinked my eyes and images of Yabu looking so damn happy that Inoo wanted to go out for a movie danced on my eyelids. I cursed, half-tripping over Daiki, knocking us both over to indignant squawking.
“Takaki! Watch where you’re going! I’m not that invisible, I promise you,” Daiki scolded, and for a moment, I felt like I was staring down at an angry squirrel. I tried to bite back a smile, but not too hard, which just infuriated him further. I escaped to safety behind Keito as quickly as possible, waiting for Yamada to pacify Daiki.
Dwarves, as I had discovered in books early on, always had such short tempers, but it was hardly my fault they were so amusing.
It was a good thing I already usually watched Yabu during group practice, it was like my eyes were glued to his back that day, reflected in the mirrors. Luckily for me, despite all my thoughts, I didn’t mess up the choreography any more than I would on a good day. It did earn me a sour look from Inoo when I swung left instead of right and dumped him on his ass, but seeing as Hikaru was right there to give him a hand up, I couldn’t be much bothered by it.
Someone else was bothered by it, however, when Inoo dropped a kiss on Hikaru’s cheek. Yabu suddenly stilled, eyes jumping from his friends to the mirror and staying fixated there, his fingers rubbing together in a sort of twitching gesture.
“Hey Yabu-kun,” I said suddenly, almost startling myself as I turned to him, a small smile playing on my lips. “I forgot my wallet again… can you come buy a drink with me?”
“I don’t think-” Yabu started to say, but I’d already grabbed his arm, dragging him out of the door, the smile never leaving my face.
“It’s okay, I promise I’ll pay you back,” I assured him, steering him down to the farthest vending machine possible - if asked, I already knew it had the best iced tea, but that was hardly the reason. “It’s just that Keito’s sort of paid for my lunch twice this week already and-”
“I was just going to say that I don’t think I have my wallet with me,” Yabu interrupted as we stopped in front of the vending machines.
“Oh…” I hadn’t considered that. Feeling rather foolish, I gave him a look of guilt. “Sorry, I wasn’t thinking about that.”
“But it’s in our dressing room.”
Point for Takaki Yuya. I flashed him a sheepish smile, grabbing his arm again. “Mind getting it?” When he didn’t say no, I lead him back to where our dressing room was, settling for the nearby vending machine and the second best iced tea in the building. It was worth it though, feeling the tension in Yabu’s body dissipate. By the time we returned to the rehearsal hall, he was smiling the first real smile of the day.
I felt quite accomplished, blithely ignoring the looks Yuto and Keito were both sending me.
“You know,” Keito murmured later on, as the work day finished and we all were dumping things back into our bags to leave. “You do have your wallet with you… You threw it at Yuto’s head this morning.”
I jutted out my bottom lip at him. “I forgooooot,” I said, knowing he didn’t believe me anyway. I had chucked my wallet at Yuto this morning (and I hadn’t missed.) But I figured the small lie was worth it, hearing Yabu laughing again.
*
“Yabu-kun, are you feeling okay?” Totsuka asked, hand automatically reaching to rest against Yabu’s forehead out of bandmate habit, but he pulled away at the last moment.
“I’m fine, thanks… but I’ve gotta get going,” Yabu said, pulling himself to his feet. “Takaki, are you coming?”
We were both camped out on a break in ABC-Z’s dressing room. Yabu had been on the couch, talking over the latest soccer tournament with Totsuka while I was tucked away in the corner, talking with Hashimoto.
Biting my lip for a moment, I shook my head, glancing from Totsuka to Yabu. “Uhmmmm, nah, I’ll be back in a few moments.”
I got a shrug in return and then Yabu gave the room a half-smile. “I guess I’ll see you all around.”
The door swung shut in his wake and a strange silence settled over the room.
“Your leader looks like a dead cow lately,” Hashimoto whispered to me and I groaned, greeting his shoulder with my face and a whine of frustration. Not at what Hashimoto had said - at this point I fully agreed - but the fact that Yabu was still in such condition.
I resurfaced, giving him an apologetic look before pulling myself to my feet, shuffling over to Totsuka. “Sorry about that, I didn’t think he’d be so…” I deadpanned, trying to get the point across.
“It’ll be okay,” Totsuka told me serenely, patting me on the shoulder as I trailed back out of ABC-Z’s dressing room, feeling slightly defeated. I’d had dragged Yabu there about an hour earlier in an attempt to get him to engage in a conversation with someone else. Soccer had seemed like the best way to go and Totsuka had tried valiantly, from what I had seen (I had taken refuge behind a fashion magazine with Hashimoto) but Yabu seemed to still be moping. “Stuff like this takes time and you can’t rush healing, otherwise the scars will heal funny.”
I made a face, shrugging as I headed out the door. Totsuka was right, but I wasn’t a very patient person and there was only so much glum Yabu I could take at once. How much time did a broken heart need to heal?
I guess I already knew the answer to that question, and it sucked.
It wasn’t that I didn’t think Yabu could be upset; I thought it was pretty understandable, seeing as he’d lost his crush to his best friend - especially when that crush was another close friend. It occurred to me that Yabu wasn’t used to being the third wheel.
But all the same, I thought as I watched him pointedly ignoring the happy couple, heading instead to Keito and the guitars.
Just because it was understandable didn’t mean I had to like it. Yabu wasn’t suited for misery, and it was starting to get to me.
*
“Hey, Kou~,” I caught Yabu by the arm before he could properly get into the dressing room - Hikaru and Inoo were cuddling on the couch and I didn’t feel like watching Yabu sink deeper into his current session with despair. “C’mon.”
I received a blank look for my troubles. “Why?”
“Because I said so,” I replied, rolling my eyes as I hauled him back the way he’d come, settling into one of the common areas.
“My sister got a new kitten,” I told him, digging out my phone. “Wanna see it?”
He gave me an odd look before chancing a smile, nodding a slow ‘ok’.
I flipped my phone open, unable to help a smile myself. I’d gone to see my sister the day before, where she’d introduced me to her newest friend, a small bundle of fur. It was love at first sight, and I had to admit I had way too many videos of the kitten on my phone.
Which was silly, but I wanted to keep Yabu distracted for a few minutes, even if he thought I was ridiculous for finding a kitten so cute.
But as I played the third video, I glanced up at him and felt my stomach jolt.
Yabu still wasn’t smiling a whole lot, but his eyes had softened into agreeable enjoyment and he’d relaxed, leaning in to watch the movie. It was exactly what I’d wanted to happen.
I looked at him and realized I was in deep trouble.
*
“You’re cute,” Hirayama Aya laughed, and I flung a leg up in the air, staring at my toes in exasperation. Even over the phone, it was hard to mistake her smile.
“It’s not cute,” I huffed, though I didn’t deny myself the compliment. I could be cute, the situation could not. “It’s dumb.”
And it was dumb. There was no way in any universe I was supposed to like-like Yabu Kouta, my bandmate and fundamental leader. It was everything I’d been against with Inoo and Hikaru and I felt ridiculous.
Like a teenager all over again.
She chuckled again and I rolled onto my stomach, grabbing a nearby pen and twirling it through my fingers. “I don’t see why you’re so put out about it. It’s not really that unusual, is it?”
“I’ve known him for years, if I was going to like him, don’t you think I’d have done that already?” I complained, tossing the pen back onto the table, frowning profusely. “I mean, it wasn’t like you fell in love with me right on the spot or anything.”
“Well no,” and she was laughing again, and I couldn’t help but smile myself, irritation dampened by the sound. “But I think both of us were sort of busy falling in love with Haruma-kun, if I recall correctly.”
I scowled at that particular reminder and rolled onto my back again, staring back up at the ceiling. “It’s just… you know, it’s just going to be a mess. He’s my bandmate. We’re the oldest. What happens if things go wrong?”
“But what if things don’t go wrong?” Aya pressed. I frowned but listened. “Think about it. You can try it and deal with whatever consequences… or you can spend the rest of your life thinking about what if you’d tried.”
I hated that she made it sound so natural, so reasonable, and whined softly, burying my face in the pillow. “Aya, if things go wrong, I’m going to be spending the rest of my career with him, he’s my bandmate.” I stressed the word, as if it would somehow make the word bold in the digital lines between us.
Aya clicked her tongue at me, unimpressed. “Is that all that’s tripping you up? I highly doubt your heart cares that he’s part of your group. You’re both adults, you know how to work around problems and I know you both care about your group too. I just don’t think it’s fair that you’re denying something that could make you happy because you’re worried about someone possibly getting hurt.”
Her words stunned me into silence for a few moments, and I stayed buried in the pillow, turning the words over in my head. “But it doesn’t matter if I like him anyway,” I pointed out, unwilling to give up my stance just yet. The doubts in my heart were heavy, and Aya was right - I was worried about someone getting hurt and I didn’t want that person to be me. “He’s still all hung up over Inoo.”
“Boys are stupid,” she said, a soft giggle at my squall of protest. “Oh hush, I know girls aren’t much better, but maybe he just needs a push in the right direction. He won’t know how you feel unless you show him.”
“You’re not supposed to say things like this,” I said crossly. “You’re supposed to tell me that it’s gross and stupid and I have better things to do with my time.”
“If I was going to say that, you wouldn’t have called me.”
“I hate you.”
“Love you chu~♥”
*
Her words stayed in my mind, bothering me at the exact wrong moments, and I became increasingly distracted.
It wasn’t my fault I kept on trying to catch Yabu’s eye, or try to gauge how Yabu spoke to me versus the rest of the group.
What if…
No, I wasn’t thinking about that. I turned back to my flat-iron, sighing at it. I loved my flat iron. It was normal, predictable, and did exactly what I wanted it to do. It wasn’t like my heart, which kept on jumping into my throat whenever I heard Yabu’s laugh.
Want was a surprisingly strong opponent and I couldn’t tell if I was trying to put up a fight or not. I glanced at my reflection, tilting my head so my hair swept away from my face. If I had to be honest, I wasn’t even sure what I wanted in the first place.
On the one hand, I did like Yabu. I hadn’t ever tried to deny that, though I wasn’t exactly happy about the idea, mostly because I didn’t want to be someone’s number two and Yabu seemed to be clinging to his feelings for Inoo. What I did know was that whatever I had with someone else, be it Yabu or anyone… I wanted it to be special.
Maybe I did have a chance. I chewed on my lip as I examined my reflection. Yabu seemed to enjoy my company, all things considered. He’d smile at me if I tried hard enough, and he seemed to be truly listening to me when I spoke, even if I was just talking about whatever came to my mind first. I liked it, knowing that even for a few moments I had Yabu’s attention all to myself.
But reality had a nice way of smacking itself in my face.
It happened at midday, in between one photoshoot and another. I had been curled up on a corner of the dressing room couch - a couch that was still perfectly intact, much to my relief - when Hikaru snuck up behind Inoo, hands over his eyes. “Guess who?”
I stared more intently at my phone, discomfort pooling in my stomach. I didn’t mind, I was long used to their antics, but on the other side of the couch, just as absorbed in his phone as I was, sat Yabu. I could feel the tension as if it was channeling through the material between us.
“Hikaru, stop that!” Inoo kicked back at Hikaru, but he was laughing all the same.
“It’s not Hikaru!” the other insisted, but didn’t get much further before Inoo was elbowing him, shoving his hands off. “Hey! I was going to say I was Tuxedo Mask~!” To this Hikaru gave a dramatic flourish, pretending to pluck an imaginary rose out of thin air and give it to Inoo.
Inoo was still laughing and even through my bangs, I could see how happy he looked as he wrapped his arms around Hikaru’s shoulders. “You’re such an idiot…. But I love you.”
And it was with a small stab of jealousy as I watched Hikaru looking at Inoo like he was the only thing that even mattered on this stupid dirt planet as he looped his arms around Inoo’s waist, pulling him closer. “I love you too.”
And I realized that was what I wanted.
I sighed, glancing at Yabu, my thoughts wandering to how it would be to have him look at me like that-and my breath caught in my throat.
Yabu was completely frozen in place, eyes staring at his phone and at nothing at the same time, his knuckles white.
Something inside me snapped into place (or out of place - with what I was doing, I wasn’t sure anymore) and I reached out to take one of Yabu’s hands - something I hadn’t allowed myself to do before. “Come on,” I told him, with my usual smile, but even that smile felt out of place on my face, like an alien invasion of emotion as I tugged him to his feet, dragging him out of the room. His hand wasn’t shaking, wasn’t even holding onto mine or pulling away, but I could feel the strain in his body.
The nearest supply closet was the next thing I lead him into, shutting the door behind us and turning to face him in the darkened gloom. Grabbing his shoulders, I flexed my fingers, staring into his eyes and seeing all the desolation. “Cry,” I hissed softly, and I realized I was angry and upset.
I was angry at him for making me watch helplessly and angry at myself for not being able to fix things. It hurt, knowing that even now, Yabu was still thinking about what it’d be like to be in Hikaru’s place, holding Inoo. But most of all, I just wanted to make him happy again.
Yabu seemed to slowly unravel as he leaned forward, resting his head on my shoulder. I felt his fingers slowly curl into the front of my shirt and I gently smoothed my hand over his shoulder, wanting him to know that I was there just for him. It seemed to be enough as he soon began to cry ever so quietly against me.
I stood there stock still, wanting to just hold him and promise him that everything would be okay, but knowing I couldn’t do that, not yet. I rubbed my hands in circles down his back, just letting him cry himself out. I knew him well enough to know that Yabu probably hadn’t allowed himself this bit of release. He didn’t cry easy, not like I did. Even right now, his own emotions felt overwhelming and I felt my eyes sting.
If I’d had to, I would have stayed like that forever. But eventually Yabu pulled away, eyes red from the crying and looking exhausted. I gently wiped away the tears with the hem of my shirtsleeve, smiling as warmly as I could manage. “I won’t tell,” I told him, though I wanted him to know it was okay to cry.
He pulled me close, arms wrapping around my shoulders, and while it felt like my heart was about to fail on me, I smile a little more and hugged him back. Maybe he already knew that.
We waited for a few moments to let him look more presentable before exiting the closet. A handful of Juniors were passing right as we stepped back into the hallway and they all started hooting at us, nudging each other and winking.
I tried my best to hide the outrageous smile that threatened to eat my face as we ducked our way back to our dressing room.
Maybe I wanted this too.
*
A week later, I didn’t even deny that cheering Yabu up wasn’t the only thing I was trying to do. After the episode in the closet, Yabu seemed to get back on his feet, smiling and laughing like he had before. He didn’t even falter when talking to Hikaru and Inoo together, which had to be a good sign, though it still felt like he was somewhat tense. Maybe that was just me.
So it wasn’t completely for Yabu’s sake that I was tugging him into a corner with just the two of us. It was for me, because I wanted him. Because even though I had held Yabu in my arms as he cried over a broken heart, a part of me still hoped. Still hoped that one day he’d look up at me and smile like nothing else mattered.
As if he loved me too.
My hand brushed against his leg with a soft bolt of electricity and I jerked back, meaning to apologize, but then Yabu was chuckling, his eyes sparkling with mirth, and I forgot what I was supposed to be saying.
“You’re funny, Yuuyan,” he said, and I felt my cheeks go hot, a small sheepish smile of my own coming out.
I definitely wanted that day to happen.
*
“I just think it’s dumb not to tell him,” Yuto argued, noodle flopping out of the side of his mouth like a dead eel. “If you don’t tell him now, he’ll start liking someone else.”
“We’re not like that,” I groaned, contemplating the tabletop. “He doesn’t like me.”
Keito glanced between the two of us, contented to sip on his tea - which was entirely unfair because if Yuto was anything he was persistent, and I needed backup.
“Then why does he keep on looking like Christmas came early when you talk to him?” Yuto insisted, waving his arms for emphasis and nearly smacking Keito in the process.
“Because Christmas is in two weeks and Koyama-kun hung up mistletoe yesterday?” I stared down at the tabletop some more, trying not to blush, but it was the confirmation I’d been waiting for; wanting to know that it wasn’t just my foolish imagination that Yabu really was trying to give me some sort of special attention.
I wanted to be careful though. After all, it could just be that he wanted a closer friendship, especially now that Hikaru had Inoo (and they were still dating, which had surprised me).
“You know...” Keito’s voice nearly startled me out of my skin as he fixed dark eyes on me. “There’s nothing wrong with trying to get what you want…”
It was like Aya all over again and I smiled in spite of myself. “I know,” I murmured, hesitating for a moment before sighing. “I just feel like I’ve had enough rejections to last a lifetime.” And to be quite honest, I wasn’t sure how I’d handle a straight out rejection from Yabu himself. So close, but still so far away.
“Chicken. I think you should try anyways,” Yuto asserted, grinning as he playfully punched my shoulder. “If there’s no risk of pain, then there’s no thrill of accomplishment either.”
“And just how many times has Yama-chan rejected you?” Keito asked dryly, smiling as he finished his lunch and sat back on his palms. “All the same, I think Yuto’s right, it’s better to take the risk and see how things turn out… but it’s not my heart we’re talking about.” He got up, patting me on the shoulder as he cleared away his trash. “Good luck, either way.”
I lingered behind them, eyes tracing the grain-lines in the fake wood tabletop, trying to clear my head while my heart played a round of ‘he loves me, he loves me not’.
I thought about what Aya had said, about how Yabu needed a push. I thought about what Keito had said, about how it was okay to go for what I wanted. And then, of course, about what Yuto had said. If there was no risk of pain, there was no thrill of accomplishment. If I sat here protecting myself, I’d never be hurt...
...But I wouldn’t be happy about it either. And hadn’t that brought me to JUMP in the first place?
I traced a fingertip over the grain-lines, smoothing over the surface as a smile slowly formed on my lips. My heart seemed to calm in that instant.
I wanted to know if we could be happy together.
Returning to the dressing room, I plopped in between Yuto and Keito, giving them both a foolhardy grin. “Christmas… I’ll tell him at Christmas.”
Yuto cheered and instantly everyone else was gathering around, trying to see what the fuss was about. I caught Yabu’s eye, felt a spread of warmth on my cheeks, and shrugged.
I thought we had a chance.
*
“So what’s this I hear about you and Yabu-kun shacking up,” Akito teased, fluffing at my hair. I stuck my lips out in a duck-pout, not even wondering where they’d heard about that. Juniors got all the good gossip and they got it fast, it was never fair.
“We haven’t shacked up,” I clarified. We hadn’t even kissed, for that matter, though I was really hoping that would change some time in the near future. I eyed the piece of mistletoe in the dressing room the Kanju occupied when they were around for rehearsals.
“Weren’t you two in a closet or something a while back?” Junta asked, just as playful, though he took the time to carefully flatten my hair again.
“Mou!” I pouted at them both. “It’s not like people only go in the closets to make out…”
Akito snickered wickedly. “Oh no, they go in there for a lot of other things.”
“Akito!” I turned bright red, kicking out at him, and he just grabbed my leg, laughing. “God, not everyone is as freakishly horny as Kisumai, okay. We do normal things in closets.” And try as I might, I couldn’t get that sentence to come out normally. Even Junta started laughing.
It wasn’t ten minutes later that Junta was touching my shoulder, gesturing to the doorway. I glanced up and found Yabu standing there, out of breath and wearing an expression I couldn’t quite interpret. I blinked at him, torn between concern and curiosity. It was unusual for Yabu to seek me out. Had something happened? Was it bad? “Kou? Is something wrong?”
“Yes,” was the definite answer and that’s when I started leaning more towards worry. “Very. Will you come with me please?”
Had someone got hurt...? He was holding out his hand, and that made me change tracks. Maybe Yabu had gone through another Hikaru and Inoo episode. A million different scenarios played through my mind as I bade my friends goodbye, scrambling off the couch and trotting over to Yabu, taking his hand without a second thought. I wanted to ask what was wrong, but I waited, letting him lead me out of the dressing room.
He didn’t lead me to a meeting room, our dressing room, or even to a closet to have another cry in. Instead, we somehow ended up out on the roof. I hadn’t expected that and I shivered, clutching onto his hand as my other arm wrapped around me, trying to retain whatever warmth the wind wasn’t stealing away.
“What…?” I frowned, mostly from the cold, glancing up at Yabu in confusion. “I thought you said something was wrong?”
“There is!” Yabu insisted, turning me around to face him. “I’m an idiot.”
I blinked, staring at him for a moment before my lips twitched into a smile. What was even going on, I had no idea. “… Well, you really are if you don’t tell me what's up.”
“Because I’ve been in love all along and I totally did it wrong.”
I felt my breath catch in my throat, felt my heart freeze, suddenly even colder than before. “Oh…” So that’s what this was about.
Yabu pressed on in a rushed, tumbling pace, not quite looking me in the eye as he spoke. “You see, there is this awesome person that always makes me smile and he sort of makes my heart do weird stuff. And it really sucks because I’ve been an incredible jerk. I’ve sort of been ignoring him for a long time.”
My smile turned dry, even as I felt my lips chapping in the cold. This was completely unfair, having to listen to this all on the fucking roof of all places. Yabu still had his jacket on, but I just had my long-sleeved shirt on in the dead of December. “I’m pretty sure Inoo doesn’t notice you ignoring him… he’s sort of got Hikaru.” A shiver ran through my and I tightened my hand in his, seeking any bit of warmth or maybe just wanting him to not slip away.
Yabu’s laugh echoed in the darkening sky and he gave me a slow smile as he drew me closer, arms around my waist. “Who said I was talking about Kei-chan?”
Suddenly it didn’t feel so cold.
It was like all my blood had gone into a jumbled frenzy, my heart jump-starting to a much faster beat than it should have. “You mean-”
Yabu was leaning in though, far closer than I’d expected, and I lost my words, staring into dark eyes, just wanting to remember how to breathe properly. “I mean that I’m a dickhead who forgot to buy this awesome person a present for Christmas, but I guess I have something better.”
It took a moment, but my brain caught up with the rest of me and I gave a soft, breathy laugh. “Like what?” Was this really happening? I was waiting for him to let go and pull back, telling me it was a joke and someone was hidden with a camera, but I so desperately wanted it to be real.
“Like this,” he whispered, breath warm against my cheek, eyes staring into mine. His arms tightened around my waist, and the next thing I knew, he was drawing me into a kiss.
Our lips were cold, I was shivering against him, and we were on the top of the jimusho building, but for a singular moment, I closed my eyes and forgot about everything but how Yabu felt with his lips against mine, my head tilting almost automatically as I felt myself snaking my arms around his neck, pressing myself closer. No fireworks, but it was perfect.
The kiss slowly ended, but neither of us pulled away properly. I sighed against his lips, eyes still closed as I recollected myself. “I guess I can work with this…” Even if Yabu had totally just thrown a wrench in my plans, I was not about to complain. A hand smoothed up my back and I laughed, my lips brushing against Yabu’s as I spoke. “I do have a present for you too. I’ve had it ready for a while, I just didn’t know if you’d want it or not.”
Yabu pulled away at that, eyes light with curiosity and something that I realized was happiness. “You did? Damn, Yuuyan, that makes me-”
I didn’t wait for him to finish, didn’t want him to apologize for giving me the best kiss of my life. Instead, I just pulled him close again, sealing my lips over his. A part of me just wanted to see if it’d feel as good as the first one.
It did.
By the time we parted, breathless from lack of oxygen and pure giddiness, Yabu was shivering too, and laughing. “You’re such a cheater.”
I held onto him, a smile curving on my lips as elation warmed through me. “Shut up, you love it.” I had longed for this moment and it wrapped around me, around us, like a dream.
He brushed my hair away from my eyes, gazing at me for a moment before guiding me into another kiss - the best yes I’d ever seen.
*
“Mm, you’ve finally warmed up,” Yabu murmured, and I pouted against his lips. It was a couple hours later and I was curled up on the couch, resting against the armrest, Yabu leaning over me, warm and solid as we shared a handful of slow, lazy kisses.
It was unreal, but I wasn’t dreaming, I knew that much. But somehow I found myself pulling back, biting my lip. I just needed to make sure, one more time. “Is this really okay…? I don’t want to be second choice. You know, if you're still... thinking about Inoo.”
Yabu stared at me hard for a long moment and then his expression softened, his eyes filling with affection. “I have wanted you more in the past hour than I have ever wanted Kei-chan, Yuuyan.”
My heart skipped a beat or six, because for the first time ever, Yabu was looking at me like nothing else in the world mattered, like he wanted me.
I curled my fingers into his shirt, pulling him down for another kiss, one that would have lasted for a very good long time if a hapless bandmate hadn’t chosen to pull the door open a moment later.
“Oh my god!” Daiki was hollering, and we broke apart in surprise. “What are you doing to the poor couch!?”
We stared at him for a few moments, and as the rest of our group filled in the doorway, we both burst into laughter. Yabu flopped over on me and hid his face in the crook of my neck. I felt his smile curve against my skin.
“Merry Christmas, Yuuyan.”
_______________________________________________________________
A/N: It's been so long since I last wrote JUMP fic, hahaha. ♥ But I had fun. :D
ALSO, because I can be obnoxious and flaily like this, but everyone should read THIS because it is perfect and I love it and you should all love it too. ;~; ♥
Author: crazy_otaku911
Groups/Pairings: Hey!Say!JUMP, Yabu/Takaki, Hikaru/Inoo, one-sided Inoo/Yabu, past Takaki/Rubi, a mention of a Aya/Takaki/Haruma love triangle, Yuto/Yamada, with cameo appearances from ABC-Z and BAD.
Rating: PG
Summary: Sometimes it takes someone else pointing out the obvious to get how much you really want something. Takaki isn't sure what to do with his heart.
Disclaimer: This work is purely fiction.
Warnings: Slight angst, minor language, 1st person pov.
A/N: Written for jentfic_remix; Remix of hikarinoniji's Crushes, Heartbreak, Recovery, and Love. Probably more of Takaki's mind than one ever wants to read, but when looking at the original story, I thought it'd be fun to write it from Takaki's side of things as he goes through the events with Yabu. To add to the abusurdity of this fic, there is a soundtrack right here to listen to while reading! (Warning: There be kpop here. ;D) Gold star to my beta (yararanger) for putting up with me. ♥ You're a gem.
A lot of people think I’m the stupid one.
And while they may be right, it doesn’t mean I’m deaf, dumb, and blind. Of course not.
But sometimes they think that.
*
I wasn’t the first one to figure it out, but I definitely hadn’t been the last either. It was how things went, usually. I was in the middle of the pack, something like a nobody because I wasn’t the smart, biting one like Chinen and Hikaru were, nor was I the cutely oblivious one like Yamada.
And it really couldn’t be called eavesdropping when Yabu’s voice rang out through the dressing room with that annoying sing-song ‘Kei-chan~’. I was studiously buried in my magazine, thank you very much.
“Hey, Kou,” Inoo answered, and I didn’t have to look up to hear the smile in his voice, obviously in one of his rare good moods. Work had been difficult lately, and Inoo had school on top of everything. For the most part, we all forgave him for his barbs - we were all stretched thin enough as was.
I returned to my magazine, one ear following the conversation at hand while I contemplated another pair of boots. I didn’t need a new pair of boots, but they were such a nice brown…
Yabu was hedging, dancing around the way he did when he wanted something and he couldn’t (or wouldn’t) just ask for it outright.
“-but I was talking about us. As in the two of us. It’s been a while since we did something together.”
“Ah, I guess that’s true, ne.”
“So…what about we catch a movie together, tonight?”
Inoo laughed, clearly amused as he relented. “Okay, okay. A movie would be great.”
It was hard to ignore Yabu’s little dance of victory as he snatched up his phone, already planning on reserving tickets for the both of them as he so gleefully pointed out to Inoo.
Subtlety, thy name is Yabu Kouta.
I tried to push the corner of my lips up out of a frown. It just didn’t quite work, as something like dread filled my stomach. While it wasn’t eavesdropping, it also wasn’t any of my business. Yabu and Inoo went back ages, after all. What reason did I have to worry?
Yabu just had a tendency to be as stupid as the rest of us, which did worry me.
“Disaster brews in the air,” I hummed to myself.
“Say what?” Yuto had appeared, using my shoulder as an armrest as he examined the magazine.
“Mm, nothing… Just talking to myself.” I smiled as I snapped the magazine shut, handing it over to Yuto with a shrug. I didn’t really need those boots anyway. What I did need…
I turned to Keito, who’d trailed in after Yuto, giving him my best kitten-pleading eyes. “Keitooooo. I forgot my wallet!” I paused to jut my bottom lip out, just in case the predicament didn’t get me enough sympathy. “Buy me lunch?”
Keito just gave me long-suffering look before pulling his own wallet out.
I smiled, bouncing to my feet to follow him out of the dressing room.
*
“It’s was an amazing movie, I think you’d love it. It’s so intense and everything just kept me at the edge of my seat,” Yabu raved, and I shrugged a little, trying my best to look interested, but even I knew I wasn’t doing a good job. He gave me an odd look, before moving on to Chinen. I watched him go, frowning lightly.
Inoo plopped down on the couch next t o me, eyebrow raised. “What’s up with you? I thought you liked that movie. You’re the one who had been saying all the amazing things about it.”
I chewed my bottom lip for a moment, giving another shrug. “I’m just kinda out of it,” I lied, giving Inoo a slightly dazed look. “I was up super late playing that new Halo game with my brother.”
He laughed, smacking me over the back of my head, though not too hard. “Dork. Why do you do these things when you know we have early rehearsal days.”
“Hey!” I defended automatically, but Inoo just grinned, untangling his legs and going off to bug Hikaru. I watched him leave, my frown back in place.
In truth, I had liked the movie.
But Yabu totally didn’t seem to remember me telling him that a week ago.
*
I found myself sitting outside of JUMP’s dressing room the next morning, rear-end almost numb on the concrete floor.
Yamada appeared in the mouth of the hallway, and I earned my second weird look of the day. “What are you doing, Yuuyan.”
Grimacing, I gestured to the dressing room door, summarizing in one word: “Consummation.”
“The what?” Yamada looked alarmed before realization dawned. “You mean Inoo and Hikaru…?”
“Yeaaaaah.” I grimaced again, scrubbing my eyes for a moment, wishing that brain-bleach actually did exist, because there were all sorts of images that I didn’t need to ever see again, except my loving bandmates had burned them into my skull. I pull my hands away and give Yamada a dry smile - it could have been worse, at least they’d kept their clothes on - before adding, “But lucky you and Chii, Julie-san’s looking for you. Something about NYC.”
“Ah…” Yamada gave the dressing room door one last look before nodding, shouldering his bag again. “I guess I’ll see you later. I’ll try and catch Chinen before he gets here.”
I waved goodbye, settling myself back down. Someone was going to have to go into the danger-zone, but it wasn’t going to be me. I treasured my lifespan and brain cells.
It was another fifteen minutes before someone else approached, and this time it was Yabu, breezing in like summer itself. “Hey Yuuuuuyan,” he chirruped at me, eyes crinkled up in a smile as he reached for the doorknob. “What are you doing out here? It’s kind of weird.”
“I wouldn’t-” I tried to warn him, but he was already in through the door. Muffled gasps and a half-shrieked Fuck! was heard, but I wasn’t trying terribly hard to listen in. The dressing room door swung shut, and I shifted to crouch on my feet, trying to work feeling back into my hind-end, waiting for Daiki to show up before entering the room again.
I gave the couch a mournful look, all comfortable and padded beneath Inoo and Hikaru. I wasn’t sure that couch was going to be very safe much longer. I had liked that couch.
Daiki glanced at where Hikaru and Inoo’s fingers were twined and raised an eyebrow. “Oooh~? Someone went and got all official, did they?” The younger boy’s eyes danced with mischief, but Hikaru just smiled indulgently, making shooing motions at him.
“I’m glad,” Yabu was saying, his eyes crinkled all up again, but I couldn’t help but study his face for a moment. “For the both of you, I mean!”
I plopped myself into Yuto’s bean bag, dragging my bag towards me to find my hair-ties, deciding to just be the bystander. I couldn’t think of much to say, except something was nagging at the back of my mind. I just wasn’t sure what, quite yet.
“I’m glad too,” Hikaru replied, voice softer than normal as he slung an arm around Inoo’s shoulders, cuddling him close (was I ever going to want to touch the couch again?) as he spoke to Yabu. “I mean, I didn’t tell you, I wasn’t sure what you’d say, but thanks, Kouta.”
“But you better not make him cry, Hikaru,” Yabu said, letting out a strangely high-pitched laugh. “I know where you sleep.”
It dawned on me then what had been the matter. Despite the smile and the lilt in his voice, nothing Yabu had said until right then had felt sincere in the least.
Hikaru didn’t seem to notice, just looking down at Inoo with a smile, pressing a kiss to the top of the other’s head. “I’d never do anything to hurt him.”
I gagged, throwing my hands up in the air. My hair was tied, I was so ready for rehearsal. “I’m out of here. Gonna go see where Keito and Yuto are.”
Just to be an ass, Inoo made loud kissy noises at my back.
*
“I dunno, Hikaru seems really happy,” Keito said, lips pursed as he, Yuto, and I ate lunch. “He’s even putting a lot of effort into getting Inoo-kun a present, and that says a lot.”
I waved my hand, scoffing lightly. “I wasn’t questioning their happiness, I was just saying I didn’t think they were going to last very long.”
“Where’s your inner romantic?” Yuto teased, nudging at me as he stole my yogurt. “You’re usually the type to cheer them on.”
Hastily reclaiming my yogurt, I gave him a dirty look (more for the stealing, rather than the comment), “I just think that if they were really in love, they’d have figured that out ages ago.”
Keito was watching me with that knowing look of his. “You know, Rubi was a long time ago, you don’t need to sound so bitter.”
“I’ve dated other people besides Rubi,” I said, exasperated. “And at least my relationships never threatened anything within JUMP, think about what happens when-”
“If,” Yuto interjected quickly, still trying for the yogurt.
“When-“ I shot him a decidedly put-out look while continuing, “they break up? What if it’s bad?”
“I don’t think you should doom them from the start,” Keito replied, shrugging. “Don’t begrudge them their happiness, however long it lasts. It’s not like you’ll just know how everything will be when you first meet someone, right?”
I gave up on the conversation, letting Yuto get my yogurt in the process. It wasn’t that I didn’t want them to be happy, I just didn’t think they were going to last. “To me it feels like it’ll be a high school romance.”
“Yuuyan,” Yuto said after he finished my yogurt off with great zeal (I guess it was a good thing I didn’t care for that particular flavor… and that Keito had bought it.) “They’re not highschoolers. Neither are you. You’re all adults, remember? Adults do fall in love.”
“I know that!” I whined, giving him another dirty look. “And that’s not what I meant.”
“Break’s over,” Keito broke in quickly, standing up to grab the trash. “Both of you, move it back to the rehearsal hall.”
I swung my legs off the bench, grabbing my jacket. “I left my waterbottle in the dressing room,” I told them both. “I’ll be back in a minute.”
The waterbottle was never gotten, however, as I gently pushed open the door to the dressing room to find Yabu sitting on the couch, face buried in his hands.
*
”I just think it’s time to take a few steps back,” Rubi explained, sighing and giving me a small look of disappointment. “Please stop looking at me like that…”
“We don’t have to break up…” I told her, biting my lip and looking away, because I knew it wasn’t fair to stare at her so miserably.
Rubi sighed again, tucking her hair behind her ears in a gesture of nervous tension. “Yuya-kun, I just got fired… I need to start rethinking my life and well…” She paused to avert her eyes, the way I recognized as her building up to brutal honesty. “I don’t want to hate you, Yuya-kun. I know it wasn’t your fault, but you know…”
I understood. Of course I did, and I couldn’t even blame her for feeling that way, about how I was still in JUMP, but her agency was ‘graduating’ her from 9nine and terminating her contract in the process. I glanced down, wanting to reach out for her hand, but realizing it was far too late for that. Something like regret flooded through me.
It took me a few moments to realize she’d spoken again and I drew my eyes back up to her face, wondering if I’d ever see it again, when it was smiling properly.
I hadn’t wanted to be the one to make her not smile. “What?”
“It’s not like we were going to last forever anyways,” she told me as gently as possible, a sad smile appearing on her lips, not at all what I’d wanted to see. “We weren’t really in love and I think it’s just…” she sighed, meeting my eyes again, shaking her head and pulling herself to her face. “It’s not what you wanted… I’m sorry, Yuya-kun.”
And she was walking away, and I wanted to go after her, but something hurt inside, and I couldn’t get myself to move. It took me a while to realize my heart had broken.
It wasn’t Sorry, it was Goodbye.
*
The guilt clung to me for the next week as I kept my eyes trained on Yabu, waterbottle incident not forgotten as I dutifully trotted behind him into the rehearsal hall. I felt incredibly stupid for having known all along and not realizing it. Despite initial suspicions, the idea of Yabu being upset hadn’t really sunk into my skull.
I blinked my eyes and images of Yabu looking so damn happy that Inoo wanted to go out for a movie danced on my eyelids. I cursed, half-tripping over Daiki, knocking us both over to indignant squawking.
“Takaki! Watch where you’re going! I’m not that invisible, I promise you,” Daiki scolded, and for a moment, I felt like I was staring down at an angry squirrel. I tried to bite back a smile, but not too hard, which just infuriated him further. I escaped to safety behind Keito as quickly as possible, waiting for Yamada to pacify Daiki.
Dwarves, as I had discovered in books early on, always had such short tempers, but it was hardly my fault they were so amusing.
It was a good thing I already usually watched Yabu during group practice, it was like my eyes were glued to his back that day, reflected in the mirrors. Luckily for me, despite all my thoughts, I didn’t mess up the choreography any more than I would on a good day. It did earn me a sour look from Inoo when I swung left instead of right and dumped him on his ass, but seeing as Hikaru was right there to give him a hand up, I couldn’t be much bothered by it.
Someone else was bothered by it, however, when Inoo dropped a kiss on Hikaru’s cheek. Yabu suddenly stilled, eyes jumping from his friends to the mirror and staying fixated there, his fingers rubbing together in a sort of twitching gesture.
“Hey Yabu-kun,” I said suddenly, almost startling myself as I turned to him, a small smile playing on my lips. “I forgot my wallet again… can you come buy a drink with me?”
“I don’t think-” Yabu started to say, but I’d already grabbed his arm, dragging him out of the door, the smile never leaving my face.
“It’s okay, I promise I’ll pay you back,” I assured him, steering him down to the farthest vending machine possible - if asked, I already knew it had the best iced tea, but that was hardly the reason. “It’s just that Keito’s sort of paid for my lunch twice this week already and-”
“I was just going to say that I don’t think I have my wallet with me,” Yabu interrupted as we stopped in front of the vending machines.
“Oh…” I hadn’t considered that. Feeling rather foolish, I gave him a look of guilt. “Sorry, I wasn’t thinking about that.”
“But it’s in our dressing room.”
Point for Takaki Yuya. I flashed him a sheepish smile, grabbing his arm again. “Mind getting it?” When he didn’t say no, I lead him back to where our dressing room was, settling for the nearby vending machine and the second best iced tea in the building. It was worth it though, feeling the tension in Yabu’s body dissipate. By the time we returned to the rehearsal hall, he was smiling the first real smile of the day.
I felt quite accomplished, blithely ignoring the looks Yuto and Keito were both sending me.
“You know,” Keito murmured later on, as the work day finished and we all were dumping things back into our bags to leave. “You do have your wallet with you… You threw it at Yuto’s head this morning.”
I jutted out my bottom lip at him. “I forgooooot,” I said, knowing he didn’t believe me anyway. I had chucked my wallet at Yuto this morning (and I hadn’t missed.) But I figured the small lie was worth it, hearing Yabu laughing again.
*
“Yabu-kun, are you feeling okay?” Totsuka asked, hand automatically reaching to rest against Yabu’s forehead out of bandmate habit, but he pulled away at the last moment.
“I’m fine, thanks… but I’ve gotta get going,” Yabu said, pulling himself to his feet. “Takaki, are you coming?”
We were both camped out on a break in ABC-Z’s dressing room. Yabu had been on the couch, talking over the latest soccer tournament with Totsuka while I was tucked away in the corner, talking with Hashimoto.
Biting my lip for a moment, I shook my head, glancing from Totsuka to Yabu. “Uhmmmm, nah, I’ll be back in a few moments.”
I got a shrug in return and then Yabu gave the room a half-smile. “I guess I’ll see you all around.”
The door swung shut in his wake and a strange silence settled over the room.
“Your leader looks like a dead cow lately,” Hashimoto whispered to me and I groaned, greeting his shoulder with my face and a whine of frustration. Not at what Hashimoto had said - at this point I fully agreed - but the fact that Yabu was still in such condition.
I resurfaced, giving him an apologetic look before pulling myself to my feet, shuffling over to Totsuka. “Sorry about that, I didn’t think he’d be so…” I deadpanned, trying to get the point across.
“It’ll be okay,” Totsuka told me serenely, patting me on the shoulder as I trailed back out of ABC-Z’s dressing room, feeling slightly defeated. I’d had dragged Yabu there about an hour earlier in an attempt to get him to engage in a conversation with someone else. Soccer had seemed like the best way to go and Totsuka had tried valiantly, from what I had seen (I had taken refuge behind a fashion magazine with Hashimoto) but Yabu seemed to still be moping. “Stuff like this takes time and you can’t rush healing, otherwise the scars will heal funny.”
I made a face, shrugging as I headed out the door. Totsuka was right, but I wasn’t a very patient person and there was only so much glum Yabu I could take at once. How much time did a broken heart need to heal?
I guess I already knew the answer to that question, and it sucked.
It wasn’t that I didn’t think Yabu could be upset; I thought it was pretty understandable, seeing as he’d lost his crush to his best friend - especially when that crush was another close friend. It occurred to me that Yabu wasn’t used to being the third wheel.
But all the same, I thought as I watched him pointedly ignoring the happy couple, heading instead to Keito and the guitars.
Just because it was understandable didn’t mean I had to like it. Yabu wasn’t suited for misery, and it was starting to get to me.
*
“Hey, Kou~,” I caught Yabu by the arm before he could properly get into the dressing room - Hikaru and Inoo were cuddling on the couch and I didn’t feel like watching Yabu sink deeper into his current session with despair. “C’mon.”
I received a blank look for my troubles. “Why?”
“Because I said so,” I replied, rolling my eyes as I hauled him back the way he’d come, settling into one of the common areas.
“My sister got a new kitten,” I told him, digging out my phone. “Wanna see it?”
He gave me an odd look before chancing a smile, nodding a slow ‘ok’.
I flipped my phone open, unable to help a smile myself. I’d gone to see my sister the day before, where she’d introduced me to her newest friend, a small bundle of fur. It was love at first sight, and I had to admit I had way too many videos of the kitten on my phone.
Which was silly, but I wanted to keep Yabu distracted for a few minutes, even if he thought I was ridiculous for finding a kitten so cute.
But as I played the third video, I glanced up at him and felt my stomach jolt.
Yabu still wasn’t smiling a whole lot, but his eyes had softened into agreeable enjoyment and he’d relaxed, leaning in to watch the movie. It was exactly what I’d wanted to happen.
I looked at him and realized I was in deep trouble.
*
“You’re cute,” Hirayama Aya laughed, and I flung a leg up in the air, staring at my toes in exasperation. Even over the phone, it was hard to mistake her smile.
“It’s not cute,” I huffed, though I didn’t deny myself the compliment. I could be cute, the situation could not. “It’s dumb.”
And it was dumb. There was no way in any universe I was supposed to like-like Yabu Kouta, my bandmate and fundamental leader. It was everything I’d been against with Inoo and Hikaru and I felt ridiculous.
Like a teenager all over again.
She chuckled again and I rolled onto my stomach, grabbing a nearby pen and twirling it through my fingers. “I don’t see why you’re so put out about it. It’s not really that unusual, is it?”
“I’ve known him for years, if I was going to like him, don’t you think I’d have done that already?” I complained, tossing the pen back onto the table, frowning profusely. “I mean, it wasn’t like you fell in love with me right on the spot or anything.”
“Well no,” and she was laughing again, and I couldn’t help but smile myself, irritation dampened by the sound. “But I think both of us were sort of busy falling in love with Haruma-kun, if I recall correctly.”
I scowled at that particular reminder and rolled onto my back again, staring back up at the ceiling. “It’s just… you know, it’s just going to be a mess. He’s my bandmate. We’re the oldest. What happens if things go wrong?”
“But what if things don’t go wrong?” Aya pressed. I frowned but listened. “Think about it. You can try it and deal with whatever consequences… or you can spend the rest of your life thinking about what if you’d tried.”
I hated that she made it sound so natural, so reasonable, and whined softly, burying my face in the pillow. “Aya, if things go wrong, I’m going to be spending the rest of my career with him, he’s my bandmate.” I stressed the word, as if it would somehow make the word bold in the digital lines between us.
Aya clicked her tongue at me, unimpressed. “Is that all that’s tripping you up? I highly doubt your heart cares that he’s part of your group. You’re both adults, you know how to work around problems and I know you both care about your group too. I just don’t think it’s fair that you’re denying something that could make you happy because you’re worried about someone possibly getting hurt.”
Her words stunned me into silence for a few moments, and I stayed buried in the pillow, turning the words over in my head. “But it doesn’t matter if I like him anyway,” I pointed out, unwilling to give up my stance just yet. The doubts in my heart were heavy, and Aya was right - I was worried about someone getting hurt and I didn’t want that person to be me. “He’s still all hung up over Inoo.”
“Boys are stupid,” she said, a soft giggle at my squall of protest. “Oh hush, I know girls aren’t much better, but maybe he just needs a push in the right direction. He won’t know how you feel unless you show him.”
“You’re not supposed to say things like this,” I said crossly. “You’re supposed to tell me that it’s gross and stupid and I have better things to do with my time.”
“If I was going to say that, you wouldn’t have called me.”
“I hate you.”
“Love you chu~♥”
*
Her words stayed in my mind, bothering me at the exact wrong moments, and I became increasingly distracted.
It wasn’t my fault I kept on trying to catch Yabu’s eye, or try to gauge how Yabu spoke to me versus the rest of the group.
What if…
No, I wasn’t thinking about that. I turned back to my flat-iron, sighing at it. I loved my flat iron. It was normal, predictable, and did exactly what I wanted it to do. It wasn’t like my heart, which kept on jumping into my throat whenever I heard Yabu’s laugh.
Want was a surprisingly strong opponent and I couldn’t tell if I was trying to put up a fight or not. I glanced at my reflection, tilting my head so my hair swept away from my face. If I had to be honest, I wasn’t even sure what I wanted in the first place.
On the one hand, I did like Yabu. I hadn’t ever tried to deny that, though I wasn’t exactly happy about the idea, mostly because I didn’t want to be someone’s number two and Yabu seemed to be clinging to his feelings for Inoo. What I did know was that whatever I had with someone else, be it Yabu or anyone… I wanted it to be special.
Maybe I did have a chance. I chewed on my lip as I examined my reflection. Yabu seemed to enjoy my company, all things considered. He’d smile at me if I tried hard enough, and he seemed to be truly listening to me when I spoke, even if I was just talking about whatever came to my mind first. I liked it, knowing that even for a few moments I had Yabu’s attention all to myself.
But reality had a nice way of smacking itself in my face.
It happened at midday, in between one photoshoot and another. I had been curled up on a corner of the dressing room couch - a couch that was still perfectly intact, much to my relief - when Hikaru snuck up behind Inoo, hands over his eyes. “Guess who?”
I stared more intently at my phone, discomfort pooling in my stomach. I didn’t mind, I was long used to their antics, but on the other side of the couch, just as absorbed in his phone as I was, sat Yabu. I could feel the tension as if it was channeling through the material between us.
“Hikaru, stop that!” Inoo kicked back at Hikaru, but he was laughing all the same.
“It’s not Hikaru!” the other insisted, but didn’t get much further before Inoo was elbowing him, shoving his hands off. “Hey! I was going to say I was Tuxedo Mask~!” To this Hikaru gave a dramatic flourish, pretending to pluck an imaginary rose out of thin air and give it to Inoo.
Inoo was still laughing and even through my bangs, I could see how happy he looked as he wrapped his arms around Hikaru’s shoulders. “You’re such an idiot…. But I love you.”
And it was with a small stab of jealousy as I watched Hikaru looking at Inoo like he was the only thing that even mattered on this stupid dirt planet as he looped his arms around Inoo’s waist, pulling him closer. “I love you too.”
And I realized that was what I wanted.
I sighed, glancing at Yabu, my thoughts wandering to how it would be to have him look at me like that-and my breath caught in my throat.
Yabu was completely frozen in place, eyes staring at his phone and at nothing at the same time, his knuckles white.
Something inside me snapped into place (or out of place - with what I was doing, I wasn’t sure anymore) and I reached out to take one of Yabu’s hands - something I hadn’t allowed myself to do before. “Come on,” I told him, with my usual smile, but even that smile felt out of place on my face, like an alien invasion of emotion as I tugged him to his feet, dragging him out of the room. His hand wasn’t shaking, wasn’t even holding onto mine or pulling away, but I could feel the strain in his body.
The nearest supply closet was the next thing I lead him into, shutting the door behind us and turning to face him in the darkened gloom. Grabbing his shoulders, I flexed my fingers, staring into his eyes and seeing all the desolation. “Cry,” I hissed softly, and I realized I was angry and upset.
I was angry at him for making me watch helplessly and angry at myself for not being able to fix things. It hurt, knowing that even now, Yabu was still thinking about what it’d be like to be in Hikaru’s place, holding Inoo. But most of all, I just wanted to make him happy again.
Yabu seemed to slowly unravel as he leaned forward, resting his head on my shoulder. I felt his fingers slowly curl into the front of my shirt and I gently smoothed my hand over his shoulder, wanting him to know that I was there just for him. It seemed to be enough as he soon began to cry ever so quietly against me.
I stood there stock still, wanting to just hold him and promise him that everything would be okay, but knowing I couldn’t do that, not yet. I rubbed my hands in circles down his back, just letting him cry himself out. I knew him well enough to know that Yabu probably hadn’t allowed himself this bit of release. He didn’t cry easy, not like I did. Even right now, his own emotions felt overwhelming and I felt my eyes sting.
If I’d had to, I would have stayed like that forever. But eventually Yabu pulled away, eyes red from the crying and looking exhausted. I gently wiped away the tears with the hem of my shirtsleeve, smiling as warmly as I could manage. “I won’t tell,” I told him, though I wanted him to know it was okay to cry.
He pulled me close, arms wrapping around my shoulders, and while it felt like my heart was about to fail on me, I smile a little more and hugged him back. Maybe he already knew that.
We waited for a few moments to let him look more presentable before exiting the closet. A handful of Juniors were passing right as we stepped back into the hallway and they all started hooting at us, nudging each other and winking.
I tried my best to hide the outrageous smile that threatened to eat my face as we ducked our way back to our dressing room.
Maybe I wanted this too.
*
A week later, I didn’t even deny that cheering Yabu up wasn’t the only thing I was trying to do. After the episode in the closet, Yabu seemed to get back on his feet, smiling and laughing like he had before. He didn’t even falter when talking to Hikaru and Inoo together, which had to be a good sign, though it still felt like he was somewhat tense. Maybe that was just me.
So it wasn’t completely for Yabu’s sake that I was tugging him into a corner with just the two of us. It was for me, because I wanted him. Because even though I had held Yabu in my arms as he cried over a broken heart, a part of me still hoped. Still hoped that one day he’d look up at me and smile like nothing else mattered.
As if he loved me too.
My hand brushed against his leg with a soft bolt of electricity and I jerked back, meaning to apologize, but then Yabu was chuckling, his eyes sparkling with mirth, and I forgot what I was supposed to be saying.
“You’re funny, Yuuyan,” he said, and I felt my cheeks go hot, a small sheepish smile of my own coming out.
I definitely wanted that day to happen.
*
“I just think it’s dumb not to tell him,” Yuto argued, noodle flopping out of the side of his mouth like a dead eel. “If you don’t tell him now, he’ll start liking someone else.”
“We’re not like that,” I groaned, contemplating the tabletop. “He doesn’t like me.”
Keito glanced between the two of us, contented to sip on his tea - which was entirely unfair because if Yuto was anything he was persistent, and I needed backup.
“Then why does he keep on looking like Christmas came early when you talk to him?” Yuto insisted, waving his arms for emphasis and nearly smacking Keito in the process.
“Because Christmas is in two weeks and Koyama-kun hung up mistletoe yesterday?” I stared down at the tabletop some more, trying not to blush, but it was the confirmation I’d been waiting for; wanting to know that it wasn’t just my foolish imagination that Yabu really was trying to give me some sort of special attention.
I wanted to be careful though. After all, it could just be that he wanted a closer friendship, especially now that Hikaru had Inoo (and they were still dating, which had surprised me).
“You know...” Keito’s voice nearly startled me out of my skin as he fixed dark eyes on me. “There’s nothing wrong with trying to get what you want…”
It was like Aya all over again and I smiled in spite of myself. “I know,” I murmured, hesitating for a moment before sighing. “I just feel like I’ve had enough rejections to last a lifetime.” And to be quite honest, I wasn’t sure how I’d handle a straight out rejection from Yabu himself. So close, but still so far away.
“Chicken. I think you should try anyways,” Yuto asserted, grinning as he playfully punched my shoulder. “If there’s no risk of pain, then there’s no thrill of accomplishment either.”
“And just how many times has Yama-chan rejected you?” Keito asked dryly, smiling as he finished his lunch and sat back on his palms. “All the same, I think Yuto’s right, it’s better to take the risk and see how things turn out… but it’s not my heart we’re talking about.” He got up, patting me on the shoulder as he cleared away his trash. “Good luck, either way.”
I lingered behind them, eyes tracing the grain-lines in the fake wood tabletop, trying to clear my head while my heart played a round of ‘he loves me, he loves me not’.
I thought about what Aya had said, about how Yabu needed a push. I thought about what Keito had said, about how it was okay to go for what I wanted. And then, of course, about what Yuto had said. If there was no risk of pain, there was no thrill of accomplishment. If I sat here protecting myself, I’d never be hurt...
...But I wouldn’t be happy about it either. And hadn’t that brought me to JUMP in the first place?
I traced a fingertip over the grain-lines, smoothing over the surface as a smile slowly formed on my lips. My heart seemed to calm in that instant.
I wanted to know if we could be happy together.
Returning to the dressing room, I plopped in between Yuto and Keito, giving them both a foolhardy grin. “Christmas… I’ll tell him at Christmas.”
Yuto cheered and instantly everyone else was gathering around, trying to see what the fuss was about. I caught Yabu’s eye, felt a spread of warmth on my cheeks, and shrugged.
I thought we had a chance.
*
“So what’s this I hear about you and Yabu-kun shacking up,” Akito teased, fluffing at my hair. I stuck my lips out in a duck-pout, not even wondering where they’d heard about that. Juniors got all the good gossip and they got it fast, it was never fair.
“We haven’t shacked up,” I clarified. We hadn’t even kissed, for that matter, though I was really hoping that would change some time in the near future. I eyed the piece of mistletoe in the dressing room the Kanju occupied when they were around for rehearsals.
“Weren’t you two in a closet or something a while back?” Junta asked, just as playful, though he took the time to carefully flatten my hair again.
“Mou!” I pouted at them both. “It’s not like people only go in the closets to make out…”
Akito snickered wickedly. “Oh no, they go in there for a lot of other things.”
“Akito!” I turned bright red, kicking out at him, and he just grabbed my leg, laughing. “God, not everyone is as freakishly horny as Kisumai, okay. We do normal things in closets.” And try as I might, I couldn’t get that sentence to come out normally. Even Junta started laughing.
It wasn’t ten minutes later that Junta was touching my shoulder, gesturing to the doorway. I glanced up and found Yabu standing there, out of breath and wearing an expression I couldn’t quite interpret. I blinked at him, torn between concern and curiosity. It was unusual for Yabu to seek me out. Had something happened? Was it bad? “Kou? Is something wrong?”
“Yes,” was the definite answer and that’s when I started leaning more towards worry. “Very. Will you come with me please?”
Had someone got hurt...? He was holding out his hand, and that made me change tracks. Maybe Yabu had gone through another Hikaru and Inoo episode. A million different scenarios played through my mind as I bade my friends goodbye, scrambling off the couch and trotting over to Yabu, taking his hand without a second thought. I wanted to ask what was wrong, but I waited, letting him lead me out of the dressing room.
He didn’t lead me to a meeting room, our dressing room, or even to a closet to have another cry in. Instead, we somehow ended up out on the roof. I hadn’t expected that and I shivered, clutching onto his hand as my other arm wrapped around me, trying to retain whatever warmth the wind wasn’t stealing away.
“What…?” I frowned, mostly from the cold, glancing up at Yabu in confusion. “I thought you said something was wrong?”
“There is!” Yabu insisted, turning me around to face him. “I’m an idiot.”
I blinked, staring at him for a moment before my lips twitched into a smile. What was even going on, I had no idea. “… Well, you really are if you don’t tell me what's up.”
“Because I’ve been in love all along and I totally did it wrong.”
I felt my breath catch in my throat, felt my heart freeze, suddenly even colder than before. “Oh…” So that’s what this was about.
Yabu pressed on in a rushed, tumbling pace, not quite looking me in the eye as he spoke. “You see, there is this awesome person that always makes me smile and he sort of makes my heart do weird stuff. And it really sucks because I’ve been an incredible jerk. I’ve sort of been ignoring him for a long time.”
My smile turned dry, even as I felt my lips chapping in the cold. This was completely unfair, having to listen to this all on the fucking roof of all places. Yabu still had his jacket on, but I just had my long-sleeved shirt on in the dead of December. “I’m pretty sure Inoo doesn’t notice you ignoring him… he’s sort of got Hikaru.” A shiver ran through my and I tightened my hand in his, seeking any bit of warmth or maybe just wanting him to not slip away.
Yabu’s laugh echoed in the darkening sky and he gave me a slow smile as he drew me closer, arms around my waist. “Who said I was talking about Kei-chan?”
Suddenly it didn’t feel so cold.
It was like all my blood had gone into a jumbled frenzy, my heart jump-starting to a much faster beat than it should have. “You mean-”
Yabu was leaning in though, far closer than I’d expected, and I lost my words, staring into dark eyes, just wanting to remember how to breathe properly. “I mean that I’m a dickhead who forgot to buy this awesome person a present for Christmas, but I guess I have something better.”
It took a moment, but my brain caught up with the rest of me and I gave a soft, breathy laugh. “Like what?” Was this really happening? I was waiting for him to let go and pull back, telling me it was a joke and someone was hidden with a camera, but I so desperately wanted it to be real.
“Like this,” he whispered, breath warm against my cheek, eyes staring into mine. His arms tightened around my waist, and the next thing I knew, he was drawing me into a kiss.
Our lips were cold, I was shivering against him, and we were on the top of the jimusho building, but for a singular moment, I closed my eyes and forgot about everything but how Yabu felt with his lips against mine, my head tilting almost automatically as I felt myself snaking my arms around his neck, pressing myself closer. No fireworks, but it was perfect.
The kiss slowly ended, but neither of us pulled away properly. I sighed against his lips, eyes still closed as I recollected myself. “I guess I can work with this…” Even if Yabu had totally just thrown a wrench in my plans, I was not about to complain. A hand smoothed up my back and I laughed, my lips brushing against Yabu’s as I spoke. “I do have a present for you too. I’ve had it ready for a while, I just didn’t know if you’d want it or not.”
Yabu pulled away at that, eyes light with curiosity and something that I realized was happiness. “You did? Damn, Yuuyan, that makes me-”
I didn’t wait for him to finish, didn’t want him to apologize for giving me the best kiss of my life. Instead, I just pulled him close again, sealing my lips over his. A part of me just wanted to see if it’d feel as good as the first one.
It did.
By the time we parted, breathless from lack of oxygen and pure giddiness, Yabu was shivering too, and laughing. “You’re such a cheater.”
I held onto him, a smile curving on my lips as elation warmed through me. “Shut up, you love it.” I had longed for this moment and it wrapped around me, around us, like a dream.
He brushed my hair away from my eyes, gazing at me for a moment before guiding me into another kiss - the best yes I’d ever seen.
*
“Mm, you’ve finally warmed up,” Yabu murmured, and I pouted against his lips. It was a couple hours later and I was curled up on the couch, resting against the armrest, Yabu leaning over me, warm and solid as we shared a handful of slow, lazy kisses.
It was unreal, but I wasn’t dreaming, I knew that much. But somehow I found myself pulling back, biting my lip. I just needed to make sure, one more time. “Is this really okay…? I don’t want to be second choice. You know, if you're still... thinking about Inoo.”
Yabu stared at me hard for a long moment and then his expression softened, his eyes filling with affection. “I have wanted you more in the past hour than I have ever wanted Kei-chan, Yuuyan.”
My heart skipped a beat or six, because for the first time ever, Yabu was looking at me like nothing else in the world mattered, like he wanted me.
I curled my fingers into his shirt, pulling him down for another kiss, one that would have lasted for a very good long time if a hapless bandmate hadn’t chosen to pull the door open a moment later.
“Oh my god!” Daiki was hollering, and we broke apart in surprise. “What are you doing to the poor couch!?”
We stared at him for a few moments, and as the rest of our group filled in the doorway, we both burst into laughter. Yabu flopped over on me and hid his face in the crook of my neck. I felt his smile curve against my skin.
“Merry Christmas, Yuuyan.”
_______________________________________________________________
A/N: It's been so long since I last wrote JUMP fic, hahaha. ♥ But I had fun. :D
ALSO, because I can be obnoxious and flaily like this, but everyone should read THIS because it is perfect and I love it and you should all love it too. ;~; ♥