Alone at the Grave
This is for you, edellin!
Happy Holidays! ♥
Fandom/Pairing: Naruto [Kakashi/Sakura]
Prompt: Sasuke's funeral
Alone at the Grave
I'm holding her hand tightly. She's squeezing me back, possibly a bit too much with that super strength of hers, but I don't say anything about it. I just accept it. She needs me as much as I need her. The more I stare at the name on the memorial, the more we're grasping on to each other. I want to say that the soft rain is washing away my tears, but I don't think I'm even crying. I can't seem to think of anything else but him and our memories. I can barely look away from his name etched into the dark stone of the memorial. I'm gritting my teeth so hard to keep from just yelling and crying out. I'm holding it all in, because I know she's having it worse. She's bawling without a sound, letting the rain cover her. Her grip on my hand keeps hurting, but I can't say anything. I deserve the pain--all the pain she wants to give me. I failed her. I failed him. I failed Sensei, too. I think he's probably in the same state of mind as I am, staring blankly at the carved name on the tombstone. He might be used to death, but you never get over it. No matter how many teammates or friends die before your eyes, you never forget. Eventually, your memories come back.
I finally take the split second to glance over all the friends Sasuke didn't realize he had, covered in black from head to toe, soaked to the bone without an umbrella because we hope the rain will wash away the guilt we all carry. We cast our heads down in shame, each of us thinking we could have done something more to prevent this. Maybe we could have, or maybe it was doomed from the beginning. It's difficult to say it matters anymore.
Ino is placing flowers down, the color of white, fresh petals almost burning in my eyes. Shikamaru looks more depressed and troubled than usual, as he's probably wondering if he'll be a good role model for Asuma's son. Kurenai may be grieving, but she seems more concerned about how her team will overcome this harsh reality. And Kakashi... isn't looking at Sasuke at all.
Kakashi, who has had the bad luck to live longer than his teammates and friends, isn't grieving like I expected. He isn't staring at Sasuke's name, with his hands in his pockets or slouched in misery. He isn't thinking about Obito or Rin or Asuma or how unfortunate he is to be so lucky on the battlefield. No. He's looking at us. No, not even that. He's not meeting my eyes. He's staring at Sakura, with that look on his face that's supposed to be reserved for Sasuke. Maybe he's asking the exact questions I keep thinking. Did I let Sakura die too? How will I protect her now? How will I make her laugh and smile and move on? How will I do that myself?
I'm standing at Sasuke's grave, watching him watch her as she's the only one whose tears does not get washed away by the rain.
We're standing here again a year later, and I look at his name with the same guilt I've held on the very day those characters were carved into that dark stone. Somehow, it feels more lonely now than it did before. Sakura is with me, her hands trembling at her side as she struggles to keep herself together. I think she'll start to bleed if she bites her lip any harder, but I let her grieve.
I let her grieve, as she lets me grieve. Many of the nights, we cry together and share our memories with bittersweet tears. She comes to my door, soaked in the rain because she's been freezing in the same spot in front of the memorial for hours at a time, subconsciously picking up the habit from Kakashi-sensei. I give her the warmth she wants, holding her hand in silence. Not a single word has to be said between us on those nights. We understand each other, and all she really wants is someone to hold her and wrap their arms around her to help chase those nightmares away.
Then there are the nights when I visit her. I break down in front of her, because she reminds me of him and a past that ended too quickly. I can't control my anger, and she can't control her guilt over how much I hate myself on the evenings of the loudest rainstorms. I'm angry at myself for failing, and she's crying because she thinks it's all her fault, but it's not! So even though we can't ever believe the words we comfort each other with, we crawl into our embrace and hold on when it feels like it's all we have left.
I want to hold her now. I want to take her away from this place, knowing that all she's thinking is just tearing her apart from the inside out. I want to work harder to protect her to make up for what I've done, but I can barely move myself. My heart is barely beating, just shaking inside my chest because all these feelings I have are smothering it to death.
All I can manage is to slightly nudge her quivering hand with my own, but she responds with a quick fervor, immediately wrapping a single finger around mine. She's squeezing tightly, but I don't mind in the slightest bit. I squeeze back gently and trace my thumb over her pale skin.
I used to think I needed to cheer her up, to get her mind focused on moving forward. It's much easier to imagine when I'm not in my own downward spiral. I can barely get myself to smile and laugh these days, but it hurts much more to see her crying herself to sleep on my sofa. I try to get her out of the apartment to be more social and active with the rest of our friends. It doesn't ever help. All she does is work, until she can't concentrate anymore on her tasks that she passes out in the jounin lounge. She probably doesn't notice, but I'm not the only one who's watching over her.
Kakashi is there, to put a warm blanket over her as she cuddles in that uncomfortable cot. Kakashi is there, taking her to lunch to make sure she doesn't starve from depression. Kakashi is requesting for the missions that will require her special abilities, so she's not forgotten. Because she could never be forgotten. I need her just like Kakashi needs her. So as he is giving her attention, reminding her that she is loved, I am giving her my sofa to keep her from falling to pieces.
Two years later, and I figure out that she's not falling into pieces anymore. She's falling in love.
She's not even holding my hand. She's standing farther away from me than ever before. We're always side-by-side, mourning over Sasuke's name and memories. Today, without realizing it herself, she's grown distant from me, and possibly from Sasuke, too. She's not standing three inches away, but three feet away and she's not even holding my hand. She's holding Kakashi's hand.
I want to grieve with her like before. I want to cry with her, laugh with her, pretend that we're okay together. It's all too late, or maybe it's just all over. She's accepting Sasuke's death much better than I am. She's not crying anymore. She's simply staring at the cold, solid ground.
She hasn't noticed yet, or she just chooses to blatantly ignore it. Everyone is turning heads. He's taking her out to dinner more often than before, and on the nights they choose to stay inside, she's cooking for him to make up for those evening dates. She watches him closely on our missions. He watches her, too. They steal glances at each other so obviously that even Sai is commenting on it. I tell him he's wrong. I tell him there's nothing between Sakura and Kakashi. She simply depends on him, and he's supporting her. I don't tell him that I caught them in her office. I don't tell her that Sasuke's watching.
In that small sliver of her door, I stumbled upon a scene I should have turned away from. I can't shake it away at night. He's leaning over her petite form as she sits on her desk, and welcomes him between her legs. One hand snakes behind her neck, teasing the few strands of hair that escaped her messy bun. The other hand is cupping her chin, forcing her to look up as he bends down to plant a soft kiss on her lips. I can't take these images that tear me up! I can see them so vividly as they continue to make out in her small office, her legs twitching to wrap around him as his tongue massages against her bottom lip.
I can't bother with this anymore. I don't mind if she's making out with Kakashi. I really don't. I don't care if she goes out and has a one night stand, or a blossoming romance. What I really can't wrap around my head is how lonely I've become. She's left me, and I have no one to share my sofa with tonight.
She's not even holding my hand.
She's holding Kakashi's.
And I'm all alone.
Happy Holidays! ♥
Fandom/Pairing: Naruto [Kakashi/Sakura]
Prompt: Sasuke's funeral
Alone at the Grave
I'm holding her hand tightly. She's squeezing me back, possibly a bit too much with that super strength of hers, but I don't say anything about it. I just accept it. She needs me as much as I need her. The more I stare at the name on the memorial, the more we're grasping on to each other. I want to say that the soft rain is washing away my tears, but I don't think I'm even crying. I can't seem to think of anything else but him and our memories. I can barely look away from his name etched into the dark stone of the memorial. I'm gritting my teeth so hard to keep from just yelling and crying out. I'm holding it all in, because I know she's having it worse. She's bawling without a sound, letting the rain cover her. Her grip on my hand keeps hurting, but I can't say anything. I deserve the pain--all the pain she wants to give me. I failed her. I failed him. I failed Sensei, too. I think he's probably in the same state of mind as I am, staring blankly at the carved name on the tombstone. He might be used to death, but you never get over it. No matter how many teammates or friends die before your eyes, you never forget. Eventually, your memories come back.
I finally take the split second to glance over all the friends Sasuke didn't realize he had, covered in black from head to toe, soaked to the bone without an umbrella because we hope the rain will wash away the guilt we all carry. We cast our heads down in shame, each of us thinking we could have done something more to prevent this. Maybe we could have, or maybe it was doomed from the beginning. It's difficult to say it matters anymore.
Ino is placing flowers down, the color of white, fresh petals almost burning in my eyes. Shikamaru looks more depressed and troubled than usual, as he's probably wondering if he'll be a good role model for Asuma's son. Kurenai may be grieving, but she seems more concerned about how her team will overcome this harsh reality. And Kakashi... isn't looking at Sasuke at all.
Kakashi, who has had the bad luck to live longer than his teammates and friends, isn't grieving like I expected. He isn't staring at Sasuke's name, with his hands in his pockets or slouched in misery. He isn't thinking about Obito or Rin or Asuma or how unfortunate he is to be so lucky on the battlefield. No. He's looking at us. No, not even that. He's not meeting my eyes. He's staring at Sakura, with that look on his face that's supposed to be reserved for Sasuke. Maybe he's asking the exact questions I keep thinking. Did I let Sakura die too? How will I protect her now? How will I make her laugh and smile and move on? How will I do that myself?
I'm standing at Sasuke's grave, watching him watch her as she's the only one whose tears does not get washed away by the rain.
We're standing here again a year later, and I look at his name with the same guilt I've held on the very day those characters were carved into that dark stone. Somehow, it feels more lonely now than it did before. Sakura is with me, her hands trembling at her side as she struggles to keep herself together. I think she'll start to bleed if she bites her lip any harder, but I let her grieve.
I let her grieve, as she lets me grieve. Many of the nights, we cry together and share our memories with bittersweet tears. She comes to my door, soaked in the rain because she's been freezing in the same spot in front of the memorial for hours at a time, subconsciously picking up the habit from Kakashi-sensei. I give her the warmth she wants, holding her hand in silence. Not a single word has to be said between us on those nights. We understand each other, and all she really wants is someone to hold her and wrap their arms around her to help chase those nightmares away.
Then there are the nights when I visit her. I break down in front of her, because she reminds me of him and a past that ended too quickly. I can't control my anger, and she can't control her guilt over how much I hate myself on the evenings of the loudest rainstorms. I'm angry at myself for failing, and she's crying because she thinks it's all her fault, but it's not! So even though we can't ever believe the words we comfort each other with, we crawl into our embrace and hold on when it feels like it's all we have left.
I want to hold her now. I want to take her away from this place, knowing that all she's thinking is just tearing her apart from the inside out. I want to work harder to protect her to make up for what I've done, but I can barely move myself. My heart is barely beating, just shaking inside my chest because all these feelings I have are smothering it to death.
All I can manage is to slightly nudge her quivering hand with my own, but she responds with a quick fervor, immediately wrapping a single finger around mine. She's squeezing tightly, but I don't mind in the slightest bit. I squeeze back gently and trace my thumb over her pale skin.
I used to think I needed to cheer her up, to get her mind focused on moving forward. It's much easier to imagine when I'm not in my own downward spiral. I can barely get myself to smile and laugh these days, but it hurts much more to see her crying herself to sleep on my sofa. I try to get her out of the apartment to be more social and active with the rest of our friends. It doesn't ever help. All she does is work, until she can't concentrate anymore on her tasks that she passes out in the jounin lounge. She probably doesn't notice, but I'm not the only one who's watching over her.
Kakashi is there, to put a warm blanket over her as she cuddles in that uncomfortable cot. Kakashi is there, taking her to lunch to make sure she doesn't starve from depression. Kakashi is requesting for the missions that will require her special abilities, so she's not forgotten. Because she could never be forgotten. I need her just like Kakashi needs her. So as he is giving her attention, reminding her that she is loved, I am giving her my sofa to keep her from falling to pieces.
Two years later, and I figure out that she's not falling into pieces anymore. She's falling in love.
She's not even holding my hand. She's standing farther away from me than ever before. We're always side-by-side, mourning over Sasuke's name and memories. Today, without realizing it herself, she's grown distant from me, and possibly from Sasuke, too. She's not standing three inches away, but three feet away and she's not even holding my hand. She's holding Kakashi's hand.
I want to grieve with her like before. I want to cry with her, laugh with her, pretend that we're okay together. It's all too late, or maybe it's just all over. She's accepting Sasuke's death much better than I am. She's not crying anymore. She's simply staring at the cold, solid ground.
She hasn't noticed yet, or she just chooses to blatantly ignore it. Everyone is turning heads. He's taking her out to dinner more often than before, and on the nights they choose to stay inside, she's cooking for him to make up for those evening dates. She watches him closely on our missions. He watches her, too. They steal glances at each other so obviously that even Sai is commenting on it. I tell him he's wrong. I tell him there's nothing between Sakura and Kakashi. She simply depends on him, and he's supporting her. I don't tell him that I caught them in her office. I don't tell her that Sasuke's watching.
In that small sliver of her door, I stumbled upon a scene I should have turned away from. I can't shake it away at night. He's leaning over her petite form as she sits on her desk, and welcomes him between her legs. One hand snakes behind her neck, teasing the few strands of hair that escaped her messy bun. The other hand is cupping her chin, forcing her to look up as he bends down to plant a soft kiss on her lips. I can't take these images that tear me up! I can see them so vividly as they continue to make out in her small office, her legs twitching to wrap around him as his tongue massages against her bottom lip.
I can't bother with this anymore. I don't mind if she's making out with Kakashi. I really don't. I don't care if she goes out and has a one night stand, or a blossoming romance. What I really can't wrap around my head is how lonely I've become. She's left me, and I have no one to share my sofa with tonight.
She's not even holding my hand.
She's holding Kakashi's.
And I'm all alone.