(no subject)
So. In their thread, Aidan said something very interesting to Zafer, something that I think'll have an effect on Zafer and the way he develops as a character. And so I figured that I'd record it, and my reaction to it.
And then it exploded into some sort of...essay thing on why Zafer is such an idiot. Don't judge me.
Warning: speculation & arm-chair psychology. ALSO. This hasn't been proof-read and is full of flow-fail and tl;dr. because I'm good at that.
Long term? Find a goal, a purpose. For right now? You can either hole yourself up in your room and cry princess tears to your pets or come out and breath some fresh air. I'll even treat you to something to eat!
Long term goals for Zafer. Well, ooc'ly, the best thing I can come up with is for him to make up with his parents. Part of the reason he's being such a stupid, stupid little boy at the moment is because...well, he is a stupid little boy. His parents disappointed him and he's throwing an extended tantrum. And he knows it. He doesn't want to be at school. He hates it in England - so why doesn't he go back to his grandparent's in Turkey, the only place he'll acknowledge as his home? Because deep down, he's ashamed of his behaviour. He's ashamed, and he knows that his grandfather (one of the only positive forces in his life, the only person he'll admit to looking up to) will be disappointed in him. He wouldn't say anything, and Zafer knows that he wouldn't throw him out or turn him away, but for Zafer at the moment, someone being disappointed in him, but giving him another chance is somehow worse than someone being angry at him and throwing him out. If they get angry at him then he can be angry back; he can channel his resentment at them. But if they're still kind to him, well. Zafer has no idea how to deal with that sort of reaction. It leaves him completely vulnerable.
He also hates it because he knows it's how he should have reacted to his parents disappointing him. But that's one of those things that he knows, but can't admit to himself. Zafer is, despite being twenty-one, still very much a child. Now his parents more or less abandoned him to his relatives when he was still too young to walk and talk, all in the search of money (and his father can say what he wants about wanting a better life for his child, he was looking for money and money only) and it was, ninety percent of the time, Zafer and his grandparents who kept up correspondence. As soon as he could talk he was ringing them up to ask them about their day, as soon as he could write, he was sending them letters. And all the time, Zafer was building up this idealised version of them in his head, based on traditional images of parents and second hand experience from his friend's parents (YES ZAFER USED TO HAVE FRIENDS shush) and then when he got to America to live with them and it was...well, shattered. And thanks to this horrible relationship with his parents (which has been getting worse and worse over the years - any attempts to reconcile seem to fail, possibly because Zafer and his father are far too similar) he's...losing his trust in human beings.
Of course, he's always been the type of child to prefer wandering around playing with animals to interacting with human beings. Despite of his grandfather's wealth, as a child he used to spend more time helping out the farm hands with the horses and riding and trying to take wild animals home to keep them as pets and generally being A Boy than in school being taught, or learning how to take over a business. But after his parents shook his trust in human beings, he retreated even further into his own little world, and did begin spending far more time with animals until his parents were the only people he interacted with regularly. Which is a problem since they. They suck. They're both incredibly selfish and would probably have preferred it if he hadn't come back to them after all. And he knows this and it hurts.
The problem with Zafer is that he won't look for help. The "what would you have me do, Mr Kerr?" was only extracted from him because he was so emotional and vulnerable, fucking manic depressive candy. And when he's emotional and vulnerable, he tends to seek out male role models. It's not because he's especially misogynistic - I'm sure he could accept a woman just as well - but unconsciously he looks for male role models in order to reclaim the safety net that his grandfather provided for him. There's also the fact that, without realising it, he's still looking for his perfect parents in everyone he meets. He's not quite ready yet to give up on the idea that there might be someone coming who'll be willing to look after him and love him unconditionally. Even if he didn't realise it before the candy event, he probably does now. The urge to call home and get his father to talk him through it and look after him was far too strong for him not to have really questioned just what he thinks of his father and what he wants his relationship with him to be.
So is he accepting Aidan as his father-figure? ...At the moment, yes, scarily enough. He doesn't like him. Zafer has a lot of pride, and being called "princess" by some poncy English dude pisses him off like woah. But on the other hand...Aidan reached out to him. Offered him advice and a friendly shoulder when he needed it most. Which is so sweet and kind - nearly too sweet and kind. Zafer has no idea how to handle it and at the same time he's confused as to why Aidan would care about him, offer him advice. And then, what he said - "find a goal, a purpose". Which sort of hits one of Zafer's other big problems on the head. Zafer has no goals and no idea of what to do in the future. He's drifting aimlessly at the moment, which can be frustrating to anyone.
And so now, Aidan's words are sort of knocking about in the back of his head. And he's actually giving some serious thought. That and Zach's friendship-thing have been two of the big positive effects on him so far and he's beginning to wonder about if he can change. How he can change. Is it even worth it?
...I didn't stop listening to Bloc Party's Two More Years once whilst writing this because it not only fits him, but I can actually picture him listening to it and identifying with it. Especially as far as the whole "I've become crueler since I met you" relates to his parents and the whole "there's only two more years, so hold on" relates to him. I'm a dork, I know, to think of him as my beloved polar bear one of my babies and read so much into a character I initially intended for crack (although, this has happened before, s'up Myra). But I'm really hoping that he actually becomes a decent human being. XD
And then it exploded into some sort of...essay thing on why Zafer is such an idiot. Don't judge me.
Warning: speculation & arm-chair psychology. ALSO. This hasn't been proof-read and is full of flow-fail and tl;dr. because I'm good at that.
Long term? Find a goal, a purpose. For right now? You can either hole yourself up in your room and cry princess tears to your pets or come out and breath some fresh air. I'll even treat you to something to eat!
Long term goals for Zafer. Well, ooc'ly, the best thing I can come up with is for him to make up with his parents. Part of the reason he's being such a stupid, stupid little boy at the moment is because...well, he is a stupid little boy. His parents disappointed him and he's throwing an extended tantrum. And he knows it. He doesn't want to be at school. He hates it in England - so why doesn't he go back to his grandparent's in Turkey, the only place he'll acknowledge as his home? Because deep down, he's ashamed of his behaviour. He's ashamed, and he knows that his grandfather (one of the only positive forces in his life, the only person he'll admit to looking up to) will be disappointed in him. He wouldn't say anything, and Zafer knows that he wouldn't throw him out or turn him away, but for Zafer at the moment, someone being disappointed in him, but giving him another chance is somehow worse than someone being angry at him and throwing him out. If they get angry at him then he can be angry back; he can channel his resentment at them. But if they're still kind to him, well. Zafer has no idea how to deal with that sort of reaction. It leaves him completely vulnerable.
He also hates it because he knows it's how he should have reacted to his parents disappointing him. But that's one of those things that he knows, but can't admit to himself. Zafer is, despite being twenty-one, still very much a child. Now his parents more or less abandoned him to his relatives when he was still too young to walk and talk, all in the search of money (and his father can say what he wants about wanting a better life for his child, he was looking for money and money only) and it was, ninety percent of the time, Zafer and his grandparents who kept up correspondence. As soon as he could talk he was ringing them up to ask them about their day, as soon as he could write, he was sending them letters. And all the time, Zafer was building up this idealised version of them in his head, based on traditional images of parents and second hand experience from his friend's parents (YES ZAFER USED TO HAVE FRIENDS shush) and then when he got to America to live with them and it was...well, shattered. And thanks to this horrible relationship with his parents (which has been getting worse and worse over the years - any attempts to reconcile seem to fail, possibly because Zafer and his father are far too similar) he's...losing his trust in human beings.
Of course, he's always been the type of child to prefer wandering around playing with animals to interacting with human beings. Despite of his grandfather's wealth, as a child he used to spend more time helping out the farm hands with the horses and riding and trying to take wild animals home to keep them as pets and generally being A Boy than in school being taught, or learning how to take over a business. But after his parents shook his trust in human beings, he retreated even further into his own little world, and did begin spending far more time with animals until his parents were the only people he interacted with regularly. Which is a problem since they. They suck. They're both incredibly selfish and would probably have preferred it if he hadn't come back to them after all. And he knows this and it hurts.
The problem with Zafer is that he won't look for help. The "what would you have me do, Mr Kerr?" was only extracted from him because he was so emotional and vulnerable, fucking manic depressive candy. And when he's emotional and vulnerable, he tends to seek out male role models. It's not because he's especially misogynistic - I'm sure he could accept a woman just as well - but unconsciously he looks for male role models in order to reclaim the safety net that his grandfather provided for him. There's also the fact that, without realising it, he's still looking for his perfect parents in everyone he meets. He's not quite ready yet to give up on the idea that there might be someone coming who'll be willing to look after him and love him unconditionally. Even if he didn't realise it before the candy event, he probably does now. The urge to call home and get his father to talk him through it and look after him was far too strong for him not to have really questioned just what he thinks of his father and what he wants his relationship with him to be.
So is he accepting Aidan as his father-figure? ...At the moment, yes, scarily enough. He doesn't like him. Zafer has a lot of pride, and being called "princess" by some poncy English dude pisses him off like woah. But on the other hand...Aidan reached out to him. Offered him advice and a friendly shoulder when he needed it most. Which is so sweet and kind - nearly too sweet and kind. Zafer has no idea how to handle it and at the same time he's confused as to why Aidan would care about him, offer him advice. And then, what he said - "find a goal, a purpose". Which sort of hits one of Zafer's other big problems on the head. Zafer has no goals and no idea of what to do in the future. He's drifting aimlessly at the moment, which can be frustrating to anyone.
And so now, Aidan's words are sort of knocking about in the back of his head. And he's actually giving some serious thought. That and Zach's friendship-thing have been two of the big positive effects on him so far and he's beginning to wonder about if he can change. How he can change. Is it even worth it?
...I didn't stop listening to Bloc Party's Two More Years once whilst writing this because it not only fits him, but I can actually picture him listening to it and identifying with it. Especially as far as the whole "I've become crueler since I met you" relates to his parents and the whole "there's only two more years, so hold on" relates to him. I'm a dork, I know, to think of him as my beloved polar bear one of my babies and read so much into a character I initially intended for crack (although, this has happened before, s'up Myra). But I'm really hoping that he actually becomes a decent human being. XD