Why I Barely Update Nowadays
I keep starting entries and abandoning them in a fit of hermit-y paranoia.
I'm at this crappy point where I am really getting myself in the habit of solitude. Despite having invitations, I stayed home for the first night of Passover with tv, hummus and crackers, and wine. I spent Christmas and New Years alone in more or less the same way.
I am finding it very difficult to connect with people lately, and I think it just has to do with some low self-esteem crap feeling that I don't deserve to have friends because of the crappy way I'm conducting my life and the extreme difficulty I'm having getting my depression under control and moving forward. This despite the fact that I know full well that friendships are not conducted on a meritocracy. Like, I know none of my friends are thinking "Gosh, I'd love to hang out with Natalie, but she hasn't finished her thesis yet, so why would I want to be around such a loser?"
I also know that this situation is temporary, which maybe makes my immediate isolation tendencies worse-- it's easy to think that once I get this all tied up in a bow I can go back to being a vibrant person with a life and friends.
But that's why I've been a little absent, it really is me, friends, and not you.
I'm at this crappy point where I am really getting myself in the habit of solitude. Despite having invitations, I stayed home for the first night of Passover with tv, hummus and crackers, and wine. I spent Christmas and New Years alone in more or less the same way.
I am finding it very difficult to connect with people lately, and I think it just has to do with some low self-esteem crap feeling that I don't deserve to have friends because of the crappy way I'm conducting my life and the extreme difficulty I'm having getting my depression under control and moving forward. This despite the fact that I know full well that friendships are not conducted on a meritocracy. Like, I know none of my friends are thinking "Gosh, I'd love to hang out with Natalie, but she hasn't finished her thesis yet, so why would I want to be around such a loser?"
I also know that this situation is temporary, which maybe makes my immediate isolation tendencies worse-- it's easy to think that once I get this all tied up in a bow I can go back to being a vibrant person with a life and friends.
But that's why I've been a little absent, it really is me, friends, and not you.