Tyrant fanfic: Unbalanced

[pofika]

Acknowledgement: The characters found in this story (Tatsumi Souichi and Morinaga Tetsuhiro) are the sole property of Takanaga Hinako; I just played with them, a little.
Title: Unbalanced
Author: pofika
Warnings: Sexual situation, some bad language.
Word count: 2,421
Note: Oneshot, KSB Fanfic, contest entry; built around the three words “temperance,

Comments

[pofika]

You are amazing, to pay so much attention and taking the time to give me feedback. Thank you for the kind words.

This manga, Koisuru Boukun (The Tyrant Who Falls in Love), was my first yaoi read, and the one lighted my interest for the subject.

I’m glad you enjoyed the story, your comment means a lot to me.

[eprime]

I think I mentioned before that I only know the barest outline of this manga, but I had no problem following your story.

Souichi, new to a sexual relationship with another man, reluctant and embarrassed, and a bit in denial. Classic tsundere-type. ;) You captured his point of view very well. I really enjoyed the beginning with his initial wake up and the dream. You drew me into the moment with your descriptive words that engaged my senses. The throbbing headache, the struggle to breathe, his vision blacking, his pulse, the bright light, etc. Very well done. I like when he wakes again too. Again, you use the senses to bring us into the scene.

He felt fingers slipping out of him and caressing as if aiding the place to close. He felt the hint of cold air replacing the warmth of a mouth abandoning his flaccid flesh. It's all very tactile. Love it

[pofika]

Thank you so much for putting such effort to comment my writing. I am grateful for your valuation going into such details. It means so much to me.

It is a good feeling to know what I made right, and it would be very helpful to know also what I did wrong so I can improve. If you’ll have a little time would you send me a message about the few of those grammatical mistakes you noticed so I can learn from them?

You are right about addressing the characters.
I like to call them by last names when telling the story, but switch to their first names when they think about each other, or in dialogues.
However, following this through in a clear way is a challenge in their particular situation, because Souichi calls Tetsuhiro by his last name, Morinaga (the name we readers are accustomed to), and this just add to the confusion, so it seems my effort to do it consistently didn’t pay off. Thank you for pointing it out.
Next time I pay more attention, I will simplify :-)

[eprime]

Sure! I'll be glad to. I'll try to get to it a little later today. And it was my pleasure to read! Thank you! :)