Torchwood fic: Deny, Distract, Discredit
Yeah, kids. Don't ask. This is a sort of starter-fic, working through my impressions. It is therefore utterly pedestrian, because what else can you do with a show that is basically the place where crackfic goes to die?
deny, distract, discredit
or, Thirteen Ways Torchwood Rationalises The Things They Do (In Chronological Order)
Featuring Ianto, Jack, Gwen and side of Martha.
Spoilers for Torchwood Seasons 1 and 2, Doctor Who “Journey’s End”, and spoilers for the Torchwood radio play “Lost Souls”.
Ianto
1. Life is too short
Before Lisa, and before Jack and Owen and Tosh and Gwen, Ianto gave his heart to Torchwood, and it will always belong to her. When they slide Suzie back into cryofreeze, Ianto knows with a searing certainty that they will one day slide his body into one of the empty spaces beside hers. He is also pragmatic enough to acknowledge that this day will probably come far too soon. It is perhaps the jolt of fear that enlivens his heart-- the first in a long time-- that makes him run his thumb along the smooth edge of the stopwatch in his pocket and come to a decision. Ianto likes order and symbolism, neatly defined patterns within the scatter and unknowability, and so it is no coincidence that he propositions Jack Harkness with a stopwatch: time, progression, and yes, mortality. He looks up at Jack with a lightness that is entirely genuine as says, "Lots of things you can do with a stopwatch."
2. He’s a survivor
In the beginning, Ianto looked at their relationship like this: Ianto would give Jack anything he asked for, and Jack would refrain from dying. Then Jack dies, and it all goes to hell. Jack's resurrection is nothing short of miraculous; it's like the shape of Jack's body literally casts all his other losses into shadow, as if that one soul snatched back is a crack in death’s defenses, a single zigzag of light in a future that was pitch-black. Ianto feels a kind of twisting, agonising hope for the first time in years, and when Jack kisses him he closes his eyes and lets him take what he wants, because that is what Ianto wants as well. Ianto is almost relieved when Jack leaves because it marks out the brief and dizzying period of his return as nothing more than an aberration.
But then he realises that although Jack was the one who gave him purpose, it isn't the sort of gift that disappears along with a person. No: he still has Torchwood.
(But: it is more fun with Jack around.)
3. He is in no position to judge
When Jack comes back after his year with the Doctor, he is confused by Ianto's forgiveness, all the more so because it remains unspoken, and being Jack he has try and address it. For a man with so many secrets and hidden spaces, he has remarkably little patience with either. "I'm sorry--," he says, at the doorstep to Ianto's flat, punctual and freshly showered for their first proper date.
Ianto shrugs minutely. "I hid a cyber-conversion unit in the basement," he replies conversationally, like it's nothing, even though he doesn't quite dare use Lisa's name so casually. "Don't be sorry. Unless you plan to take me to dinner in an office."
Jack's laughter swallows up his momentary confusion, and when he looks back at Ianto his eyes are soft. "No. No offices. Wouldn't want to get-- overexcited."
4. There is no reason to be jealous of Gwen
Ianto is not a man given to jealousy, sexual or otherwise, but the fiasco around Gwen’s wedding and Jack’s subsequent not-so-subtle moping would have tested the patience of a better man. If you ask Ianto: Gwen's love for Jack is something rarified; it is strong and beautiful but not hardy, threading through dramatic moments and distance. It would be desperate fucking and screaming matches, so loud and bright that it would obliterate companionable silence and Sunday afternoon day-time telly and family Christmases; passionate in the abstract, but exhausting in the practice. Gwen would never be able to accept Jack's flaws, and Jack would destroy them both in the attempt not to disappoint her. So they stay like this, a fixed width apart, and from that distance Gwen lets Jack convince her to look out of her window and up at the stars, and Jack allows Gwen to dream him some dreams of uncomplicated happiness.
(Well, that's the romantic part anyway. The unimportant part. Under that beats something old and wise and stained red; Ianto knows this because the same screaming beast seethes under his own skin. He would die for them, and they would die for him-- and ah, of course, Jack Harkness will try his damndest to die for them all.
All in all, Ianto thinks his life is so utterly mad that being jealous of Jack and Gwen seems like the most petty thing imaginable. Ianto's lost so much, he doesn’t think he has it in him to begrudge anyone a little more love in their lives.)
Jack
5. All he needs is a reminder, now and then
Jack sometimes worries that he is fighting for the survival of a race that he is barely a part of any more. His genes might be human-- and even that is dubious, at least, using 21st century definitions of the matter-- but he has been touched by the Vortex, it has altered him into its puppet. The Doctor looks at him and sees fixity in a universe of flux, changeless and repeating, he will last the length of time and then rocket back again until there is nothing else but him, filling up all the gaps in time-and-space until his chronology stretches from the beginning all the way to the end of the universe, one unbroken line of Jack Harkness, all reaching out and brushing their fingertips together. Then Ianto brings him coffee and Gwen props herself on his desk and forces him to answer the questions in a Heat magazine quiz that she swears she only bought for 'research purposes'-- and Jack stops thinking in four dimensions and starts living in three.
6. He has to trust in the Doctor, above all else
When Jack comes home after piloting the TARDIS, dragging the earth back into place by an umbilical cord attached at the Hub, there are still pieces of Dalek on the floor, frighteningly close to where he left Gwen and Ianto. Jack finds himself completely caught off guard by several paralysing realisations 1) That he'd done it again, just literally disappeared when the Doctor appeared, flush with trust that the Doctor would fix everything. 2) Gwen and Ianto would be dead if Tosh hadn’t saved them from beyond the grave 3) He prides himself as a man who can make a virtue of necessity, survival is what he does best-- but if he had lost them so soon after, after-- and there his hands start to shake and his insides clench. Instead of a big just-saved-the-world-again shit-eating grin all he manages is a watery, "I thought I said no parties while I was away, kids."
Gwen looks up from her binbag and gives him a smile and a wave. "Since this mess is very much your fault, I think this is only fair," she informs him cheerfully, handing him a broom after her quick hug.
"Where's Ianto?"
"I had to dose his coffee to get him to rest. Poor lamb went down like a pack of cards," Gwen murmurs fondly, gesturing to the sofa. Sure enough, Ianto is curled up around his gun with his fingers fisted around a dustcloth.
Jack leans into Gwen, swinging an arm around her shoulders. "They’re so cute when they sleep," he coos, and she giggles into his coat.
7. He is Torchwood first
"I’m sorry."
"Don’t be. You did what you thought was right. Do you regret it?"
"I regret leaving you two behind. Again."
"Well, then. Next time, don’t."
"Leave you behind?"
Ianto fiddles with the files on his desk. "No, Jack," he says, impatience tinging his tone. "Next time don’t regret it. Gwen and I can take care of ourselves, you taught us how to do that."
"I left you to fight Daleks with guns, Ianto. You could have died."
He smiles quickly. "You should have seen Gwen, Jack. You’d have been so proud of her."
"I am," a beat. "I’m proud of you too, Ianto."
"Well, then," Ianto tries to mask how pleased he is by turning away and clearing his throat. Jack's grin gets wider. "That’s settled. Good. No regrets." And that’s that; Ianto changes the subject a couple of moments later, and then shuffles off to retrieve something from the archives, patting Jack's hand quickly on the way out. Jack is left feeling like he has just been called an idiot in the politest possible way.
8. He tries to fix what he can
It's months after their first and second and indeed fifth proper date-- not counting naked hide-and-seek and falling over each other in the archives of the Hub-- that he finally works up the courage to ask, "Uh, Ianto, you are all right with this, aren't you?" Ianto raises one eyebrow and Jack curses him inwardly but flashes a grin. "Us. This-- thing." In retrospect, it seems a little bit ridiculous to ask at this juncture. It's 3am, neither of them are wearing much clothing, they're eating cold-spring rolls out of the box and trying not to get any sweet chilli on Jack's sheets. Ianto manages to chew thoughtfully on filo pastry instead of answering his question, and Jack finds himself talking to fill silence. "Gwen may have brought up the-- psychological side of-- that is to say--," he stops himself deliberately and takes a breath. "Your last lover died, Ianto, and now you're with me."
There's a cold and long silence, broken finally by Ianto's deliberately mild voice. "I watch you die all the time, Jack."
"But then I come back to life again."
"I did happen to notice that, yes."
"I think Gwen was worried about whether you were coping, given--," it feels like a betrayal not to say Tosh and Owen's names, but instead Jack just stumbles on, "everything."
Ianto looks at him coolly. "And what do you think, Jack?"
"I don't want to be your coping mechanism, Ianto."
What he doesn't expect is Ianto to laugh, low and sad and bitter. "I wish," and he sounds fervent. That at least is sincere. "Despite recent events, I know perfectly well that death isn't the only way to lose someone."
That hits home in a way that Ianto must have anticipated, but there is no recrimination on his face, and all of a sudden Jack finds it difficult to breathe. He looks away sharply, and hopes like hell that his face isn't showing just how weak and lost and small he feels.
Martha
9. Some secrets are better left untold
It's funny: the first person that Martha finally tells is Ianto. Maybe its just displacement: she can remember being the one left out of secrets and left behind, and now she's the one doing the same to Tom, to UNIT, to her own mother. She's not too stupid to see that telling Ianto some of Jack's secrets is a petty way of getting her therapy. It's an even pettier way of getting her revenge. But somewhere along the way, her explanation into the Year That Never Was becomes a description of the Osterhagen Key, of a series of nuclear explosions that could reduce a planet to a field of spinning rocks. Martha fishes a long blue thread out from underneath her collar and shows the small card to Ianto. "Don't worry," she laughs darkly at his look. "The chip is corrupted. I took care of it."
Later, when they're a lot more drunk, Ianto asks to look at the key again. It reflects in the dim light, more like an office keycard or ID strip than anything else. "That's no moon," Ianto says, dead-pan and a dead-on impression, and Martha's laughter turns into dry and heaving sobs while Ianto pretends not to hear her.
Gwen
10. He needed to know
Gwen waits until they’re in the car, going home after the funeral, and then blurts, "I slept with Owen. Before we got engaged." Rhys’s hand slips on the wheel and then corrects itself automatically. He doesn’t say a word, but he won’t meet her eyes. "Rhys? Rhys, please, I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry."
"No," he replies, calmly. "No, Gwen. You wouldn’t do that."
"I'm sorry," she says, unable to produce more tears because she cried them all out at the service. Gwen doesn't think she'll ever be able to cry again.
"God, Gwen," he shudders. "God, Gwen, why are you telling me this? Why are you telling me this now?" And then he does look at her, and it’s awful: there’s an agonised comprehension on his face. "You selfish bitch." His statement is so calm that it shuts her up; she cycles through denial and apology in her mind, but can’t bring herself to ask for forgiveness, but at least this time there’s no RetCon in her purse. Her chest feels numb, like every in-drawn breath is burning a track into her lungs. They spend the rest of the journey in silence, but in the middle of the night Rhys opens their bedroom door and pads out to the sofa where Gwen is lying awake.
"Come to bed," he says, holding out an arm. "You shouldn’t be alone right now."
Gwen reaches out, and lets him warm her, and forgive her, even though this may be the most horrible thing she has ever done. Rhys will get over it. He always does.
11. She can help the people she loves if she stays
Gwen begins every day with a strict reminder to herself to make sure she pays attention to Ianto. Because Gwen was never any good at hiding-- not her grief, not her anger. And Jack, for all his mysteriousness, flaunts his secrets just as he flaunts his own greatcoated anachronism. Jack keeps himself hidden through sheer force of personality. But Ianto is the best liar because he can give the impression that he has nothing at all to hide, and so nobody ever thinks to ask. Gwen is not afraid of his secrets but he makes it so easy to ignore his pain. She’s already made that mistake, and she hates herself enough without repeating it again. (Even if he is a bloody bastard about answering the most well-meaning of questions.)
Ianto’s coffee routine is one thing she picks up on-- it’s no secret that he offers them all a round and slips off to the well-worn handles of the machine when he needs a moment alone but Gwen starts finding coffee dregs in the sink, and full mugs hidden in cupboards and on stairwells, like Ianto just can’t stop himself, like the routine is holding him back from something altogether more desperate. Ianto will never tell her: when he was hiding Lisa in the basement and hiding himself away deeper than that, he’d think about shooting Lisa between her metal-framed eyes and then shooting himself, and to keep his hands from pulling the trigger he would close his fingers around the metal handle of the coffee machine. A cup of well-brewed coffee-- to Ianto Jones-- smells and tastes like the very deliberate choice to live and not die.
12. They will get through this
Martha insists on taking them out to dinner and drinks, courtesy of her UNIT expense card as a thank you after their help with the neutrino-monster at CERN. Gwen likes Geneva, it’s quiet, and even though she’s just battled an alien she’d lay odds that weird happenings are the exception rather than the norm round here. Unlike, say, in a certain city built directly on top of a rift in time and space. Martha turns to her once Jack and Ianto get up to get them another round of drinks at the bar and asks, "Are you all right? What happened down there?" and Gwen clutches her glass tighter.
"It spoke in the voices of the dead. Tosh and Owen. It was so bloody real. Ianto heard Lisa too. He begged me to let him go to them," Gwen smiles briefly. "He says he doesn’t remember a thing."
Martha’s eyes are warm and bright. "You don’t believe him."
"No. But--," she chews on her lip. "I’m not losing him. I’m not losing Jack. I just-- can’t. Martha, I can’t…" Martha slides her hand over the table and takes Gwen’s in her own. "Do you ever wonder what the bloody hell we’re all playing at?"
Martha snorts and shakes her head. "Yeah. All the time."
Jack
13. He is not alone
The first time Jack dies after his two thousand year burial, he comes back to life screaming, feeling like he’s still buried deep under the ground and all there is is dying in the dark and coming back to life in it, barely any difference between the two. He feels warm hands take his into them, voices pooling in the hollows of his ears and wills himself to open his eyes: there is light. Gwen and Ianto are there, fear sharp on their faces and they say, "Jack, it's okay, are you okay?", they say, you are not alone in the dark, and Captain Jack Harkness sobs like a child in their arms, mumbling "Yes, yes, it’s all okay. I’m okay," and even if it's just for that moment they all believe it.
Feedback?
deny, distract, discredit
or, Thirteen Ways Torchwood Rationalises The Things They Do (In Chronological Order)
Featuring Ianto, Jack, Gwen and side of Martha.
Spoilers for Torchwood Seasons 1 and 2, Doctor Who “Journey’s End”, and spoilers for the Torchwood radio play “Lost Souls”.
Ianto
1. Life is too short
Before Lisa, and before Jack and Owen and Tosh and Gwen, Ianto gave his heart to Torchwood, and it will always belong to her. When they slide Suzie back into cryofreeze, Ianto knows with a searing certainty that they will one day slide his body into one of the empty spaces beside hers. He is also pragmatic enough to acknowledge that this day will probably come far too soon. It is perhaps the jolt of fear that enlivens his heart-- the first in a long time-- that makes him run his thumb along the smooth edge of the stopwatch in his pocket and come to a decision. Ianto likes order and symbolism, neatly defined patterns within the scatter and unknowability, and so it is no coincidence that he propositions Jack Harkness with a stopwatch: time, progression, and yes, mortality. He looks up at Jack with a lightness that is entirely genuine as says, "Lots of things you can do with a stopwatch."
2. He’s a survivor
In the beginning, Ianto looked at their relationship like this: Ianto would give Jack anything he asked for, and Jack would refrain from dying. Then Jack dies, and it all goes to hell. Jack's resurrection is nothing short of miraculous; it's like the shape of Jack's body literally casts all his other losses into shadow, as if that one soul snatched back is a crack in death’s defenses, a single zigzag of light in a future that was pitch-black. Ianto feels a kind of twisting, agonising hope for the first time in years, and when Jack kisses him he closes his eyes and lets him take what he wants, because that is what Ianto wants as well. Ianto is almost relieved when Jack leaves because it marks out the brief and dizzying period of his return as nothing more than an aberration.
But then he realises that although Jack was the one who gave him purpose, it isn't the sort of gift that disappears along with a person. No: he still has Torchwood.
(But: it is more fun with Jack around.)
3. He is in no position to judge
When Jack comes back after his year with the Doctor, he is confused by Ianto's forgiveness, all the more so because it remains unspoken, and being Jack he has try and address it. For a man with so many secrets and hidden spaces, he has remarkably little patience with either. "I'm sorry--," he says, at the doorstep to Ianto's flat, punctual and freshly showered for their first proper date.
Ianto shrugs minutely. "I hid a cyber-conversion unit in the basement," he replies conversationally, like it's nothing, even though he doesn't quite dare use Lisa's name so casually. "Don't be sorry. Unless you plan to take me to dinner in an office."
Jack's laughter swallows up his momentary confusion, and when he looks back at Ianto his eyes are soft. "No. No offices. Wouldn't want to get-- overexcited."
4. There is no reason to be jealous of Gwen
Ianto is not a man given to jealousy, sexual or otherwise, but the fiasco around Gwen’s wedding and Jack’s subsequent not-so-subtle moping would have tested the patience of a better man. If you ask Ianto: Gwen's love for Jack is something rarified; it is strong and beautiful but not hardy, threading through dramatic moments and distance. It would be desperate fucking and screaming matches, so loud and bright that it would obliterate companionable silence and Sunday afternoon day-time telly and family Christmases; passionate in the abstract, but exhausting in the practice. Gwen would never be able to accept Jack's flaws, and Jack would destroy them both in the attempt not to disappoint her. So they stay like this, a fixed width apart, and from that distance Gwen lets Jack convince her to look out of her window and up at the stars, and Jack allows Gwen to dream him some dreams of uncomplicated happiness.
(Well, that's the romantic part anyway. The unimportant part. Under that beats something old and wise and stained red; Ianto knows this because the same screaming beast seethes under his own skin. He would die for them, and they would die for him-- and ah, of course, Jack Harkness will try his damndest to die for them all.
All in all, Ianto thinks his life is so utterly mad that being jealous of Jack and Gwen seems like the most petty thing imaginable. Ianto's lost so much, he doesn’t think he has it in him to begrudge anyone a little more love in their lives.)
Jack
5. All he needs is a reminder, now and then
Jack sometimes worries that he is fighting for the survival of a race that he is barely a part of any more. His genes might be human-- and even that is dubious, at least, using 21st century definitions of the matter-- but he has been touched by the Vortex, it has altered him into its puppet. The Doctor looks at him and sees fixity in a universe of flux, changeless and repeating, he will last the length of time and then rocket back again until there is nothing else but him, filling up all the gaps in time-and-space until his chronology stretches from the beginning all the way to the end of the universe, one unbroken line of Jack Harkness, all reaching out and brushing their fingertips together. Then Ianto brings him coffee and Gwen props herself on his desk and forces him to answer the questions in a Heat magazine quiz that she swears she only bought for 'research purposes'-- and Jack stops thinking in four dimensions and starts living in three.
6. He has to trust in the Doctor, above all else
When Jack comes home after piloting the TARDIS, dragging the earth back into place by an umbilical cord attached at the Hub, there are still pieces of Dalek on the floor, frighteningly close to where he left Gwen and Ianto. Jack finds himself completely caught off guard by several paralysing realisations 1) That he'd done it again, just literally disappeared when the Doctor appeared, flush with trust that the Doctor would fix everything. 2) Gwen and Ianto would be dead if Tosh hadn’t saved them from beyond the grave 3) He prides himself as a man who can make a virtue of necessity, survival is what he does best-- but if he had lost them so soon after, after-- and there his hands start to shake and his insides clench. Instead of a big just-saved-the-world-again shit-eating grin all he manages is a watery, "I thought I said no parties while I was away, kids."
Gwen looks up from her binbag and gives him a smile and a wave. "Since this mess is very much your fault, I think this is only fair," she informs him cheerfully, handing him a broom after her quick hug.
"Where's Ianto?"
"I had to dose his coffee to get him to rest. Poor lamb went down like a pack of cards," Gwen murmurs fondly, gesturing to the sofa. Sure enough, Ianto is curled up around his gun with his fingers fisted around a dustcloth.
Jack leans into Gwen, swinging an arm around her shoulders. "They’re so cute when they sleep," he coos, and she giggles into his coat.
7. He is Torchwood first
"I’m sorry."
"Don’t be. You did what you thought was right. Do you regret it?"
"I regret leaving you two behind. Again."
"Well, then. Next time, don’t."
"Leave you behind?"
Ianto fiddles with the files on his desk. "No, Jack," he says, impatience tinging his tone. "Next time don’t regret it. Gwen and I can take care of ourselves, you taught us how to do that."
"I left you to fight Daleks with guns, Ianto. You could have died."
He smiles quickly. "You should have seen Gwen, Jack. You’d have been so proud of her."
"I am," a beat. "I’m proud of you too, Ianto."
"Well, then," Ianto tries to mask how pleased he is by turning away and clearing his throat. Jack's grin gets wider. "That’s settled. Good. No regrets." And that’s that; Ianto changes the subject a couple of moments later, and then shuffles off to retrieve something from the archives, patting Jack's hand quickly on the way out. Jack is left feeling like he has just been called an idiot in the politest possible way.
8. He tries to fix what he can
It's months after their first and second and indeed fifth proper date-- not counting naked hide-and-seek and falling over each other in the archives of the Hub-- that he finally works up the courage to ask, "Uh, Ianto, you are all right with this, aren't you?" Ianto raises one eyebrow and Jack curses him inwardly but flashes a grin. "Us. This-- thing." In retrospect, it seems a little bit ridiculous to ask at this juncture. It's 3am, neither of them are wearing much clothing, they're eating cold-spring rolls out of the box and trying not to get any sweet chilli on Jack's sheets. Ianto manages to chew thoughtfully on filo pastry instead of answering his question, and Jack finds himself talking to fill silence. "Gwen may have brought up the-- psychological side of-- that is to say--," he stops himself deliberately and takes a breath. "Your last lover died, Ianto, and now you're with me."
There's a cold and long silence, broken finally by Ianto's deliberately mild voice. "I watch you die all the time, Jack."
"But then I come back to life again."
"I did happen to notice that, yes."
"I think Gwen was worried about whether you were coping, given--," it feels like a betrayal not to say Tosh and Owen's names, but instead Jack just stumbles on, "everything."
Ianto looks at him coolly. "And what do you think, Jack?"
"I don't want to be your coping mechanism, Ianto."
What he doesn't expect is Ianto to laugh, low and sad and bitter. "I wish," and he sounds fervent. That at least is sincere. "Despite recent events, I know perfectly well that death isn't the only way to lose someone."
That hits home in a way that Ianto must have anticipated, but there is no recrimination on his face, and all of a sudden Jack finds it difficult to breathe. He looks away sharply, and hopes like hell that his face isn't showing just how weak and lost and small he feels.
Martha
9. Some secrets are better left untold
It's funny: the first person that Martha finally tells is Ianto. Maybe its just displacement: she can remember being the one left out of secrets and left behind, and now she's the one doing the same to Tom, to UNIT, to her own mother. She's not too stupid to see that telling Ianto some of Jack's secrets is a petty way of getting her therapy. It's an even pettier way of getting her revenge. But somewhere along the way, her explanation into the Year That Never Was becomes a description of the Osterhagen Key, of a series of nuclear explosions that could reduce a planet to a field of spinning rocks. Martha fishes a long blue thread out from underneath her collar and shows the small card to Ianto. "Don't worry," she laughs darkly at his look. "The chip is corrupted. I took care of it."
Later, when they're a lot more drunk, Ianto asks to look at the key again. It reflects in the dim light, more like an office keycard or ID strip than anything else. "That's no moon," Ianto says, dead-pan and a dead-on impression, and Martha's laughter turns into dry and heaving sobs while Ianto pretends not to hear her.
Gwen
10. He needed to know
Gwen waits until they’re in the car, going home after the funeral, and then blurts, "I slept with Owen. Before we got engaged." Rhys’s hand slips on the wheel and then corrects itself automatically. He doesn’t say a word, but he won’t meet her eyes. "Rhys? Rhys, please, I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry."
"No," he replies, calmly. "No, Gwen. You wouldn’t do that."
"I'm sorry," she says, unable to produce more tears because she cried them all out at the service. Gwen doesn't think she'll ever be able to cry again.
"God, Gwen," he shudders. "God, Gwen, why are you telling me this? Why are you telling me this now?" And then he does look at her, and it’s awful: there’s an agonised comprehension on his face. "You selfish bitch." His statement is so calm that it shuts her up; she cycles through denial and apology in her mind, but can’t bring herself to ask for forgiveness, but at least this time there’s no RetCon in her purse. Her chest feels numb, like every in-drawn breath is burning a track into her lungs. They spend the rest of the journey in silence, but in the middle of the night Rhys opens their bedroom door and pads out to the sofa where Gwen is lying awake.
"Come to bed," he says, holding out an arm. "You shouldn’t be alone right now."
Gwen reaches out, and lets him warm her, and forgive her, even though this may be the most horrible thing she has ever done. Rhys will get over it. He always does.
11. She can help the people she loves if she stays
Gwen begins every day with a strict reminder to herself to make sure she pays attention to Ianto. Because Gwen was never any good at hiding-- not her grief, not her anger. And Jack, for all his mysteriousness, flaunts his secrets just as he flaunts his own greatcoated anachronism. Jack keeps himself hidden through sheer force of personality. But Ianto is the best liar because he can give the impression that he has nothing at all to hide, and so nobody ever thinks to ask. Gwen is not afraid of his secrets but he makes it so easy to ignore his pain. She’s already made that mistake, and she hates herself enough without repeating it again. (Even if he is a bloody bastard about answering the most well-meaning of questions.)
Ianto’s coffee routine is one thing she picks up on-- it’s no secret that he offers them all a round and slips off to the well-worn handles of the machine when he needs a moment alone but Gwen starts finding coffee dregs in the sink, and full mugs hidden in cupboards and on stairwells, like Ianto just can’t stop himself, like the routine is holding him back from something altogether more desperate. Ianto will never tell her: when he was hiding Lisa in the basement and hiding himself away deeper than that, he’d think about shooting Lisa between her metal-framed eyes and then shooting himself, and to keep his hands from pulling the trigger he would close his fingers around the metal handle of the coffee machine. A cup of well-brewed coffee-- to Ianto Jones-- smells and tastes like the very deliberate choice to live and not die.
12. They will get through this
Martha insists on taking them out to dinner and drinks, courtesy of her UNIT expense card as a thank you after their help with the neutrino-monster at CERN. Gwen likes Geneva, it’s quiet, and even though she’s just battled an alien she’d lay odds that weird happenings are the exception rather than the norm round here. Unlike, say, in a certain city built directly on top of a rift in time and space. Martha turns to her once Jack and Ianto get up to get them another round of drinks at the bar and asks, "Are you all right? What happened down there?" and Gwen clutches her glass tighter.
"It spoke in the voices of the dead. Tosh and Owen. It was so bloody real. Ianto heard Lisa too. He begged me to let him go to them," Gwen smiles briefly. "He says he doesn’t remember a thing."
Martha’s eyes are warm and bright. "You don’t believe him."
"No. But--," she chews on her lip. "I’m not losing him. I’m not losing Jack. I just-- can’t. Martha, I can’t…" Martha slides her hand over the table and takes Gwen’s in her own. "Do you ever wonder what the bloody hell we’re all playing at?"
Martha snorts and shakes her head. "Yeah. All the time."
Jack
13. He is not alone
The first time Jack dies after his two thousand year burial, he comes back to life screaming, feeling like he’s still buried deep under the ground and all there is is dying in the dark and coming back to life in it, barely any difference between the two. He feels warm hands take his into them, voices pooling in the hollows of his ears and wills himself to open his eyes: there is light. Gwen and Ianto are there, fear sharp on their faces and they say, "Jack, it's okay, are you okay?", they say, you are not alone in the dark, and Captain Jack Harkness sobs like a child in their arms, mumbling "Yes, yes, it’s all okay. I’m okay," and even if it's just for that moment they all believe it.
Feedback?