Dated November 1st 1978
The nightmares are back. If they can be called nightmares, I don't know anymore. Maybe it was just the dates last month screwing with me. Saying that, it wasn't difficult, apart from the lack of sleep. Something which I'm not really used to. It's not working anymore. Everything I try, even the potions don't seem to hold this great sense of dread which is everywhere, not just my own personal pain, off. the blood, the screaming, Hestia blaming me...and Nick...I don't quite understand his role in that dream.
And I'm scared. I'm scared for myself, I'm scared for others, especially Hestia. Who I owe my life, and she's walking face first into death if she does that. The problem is, I can't stop her. I tried, and she's her own woman, really, no matter how much I feel a debt to her. If I owe her my life, I have to let her live hers how she wants. It frightens me, though, how much danger she's going to be putting herself in.
I want to help her, but if my subconcious is anything to go by, trying to help her is the last thing which will help her. The way in that nightmare, she kept telling me to get out of the way, not to let her be the third. I know she wouldn't say things like that in real life, she's far too nice, but it doesn't stop them being true, does it? It doesn't change the fact that anything I do which is well intentioned, intended to help, normally ends in someone dying.
As if I didn't need that week last month to remind me of that.
It's not that I don't believe in them, it's more that I don't want them to be concerned with me and my goddamned emotions anymore when they have much bigger things to deal with. Or, let's not kid anyone here, it's just as much me being a coward. Not being able to deal with anyone else dying.
I just don't want anyone else to die in front of me. Or because of me.
I have to go. I have to get out of here. I can't concentrate on my work anymore. I can't get in their way. I have to talk to Nick. Time to suck it up and admit to the ghost of Gryffindor that I'm a coward.
Can we talk? As soon as possible. I need your help. I need someone to talk to.
Abime.
Logic puzzles, surprisingly, help you think about anything but the logic puzzle. Like my newly acquired Rubix's Cube, which I've been sitting here doing for hours, but I've never actually thought about how to do it, just sat here and played with it in my fingers and thought about a hundred other things. I could stay here and do this all day. Unfortunately, I have marking to do.