and with the truth I feel inside, could you believe me?
I realised something today. I'm very good at this, sometimes. It's a lot more difficult to be lonely than it used to. Before I was married, when I holed myself up away from the world until my sense of guilt got the better of me, I could deal with being alone. In fact, I rather liked it. I could get out my bottle of vodka/rum/wine, a book, some coffee or a cigarette and be satisfied. I didn't care that the rest of the world were all out there, doing things, seeing their friends, talking into the night, doing interesting stuff. I was sat there, in this self created heaven.
Except, like all heavens, it's a delusion. And you only realise what a delusion it is when real heaven comes along. Now I've had a taste of that real heaven, I don't want my self-creation back. I want the real thing. Or as close as I can get to the real thing.
For the first time in a long time, I'm not happy to be lonely. And I mean, as in this moment, this evening, not in general with the world. Because Lucien and Gerard went to vist their families for a while, I'm here, in the building, only with the neighbours which hate me from all those drunken nights across the hall.
I should be, you know, enjoying today. I got a good review at work, people seem to be nice to me, it's nearly holiday. I'm better at this job than most other jobs in my whole life. My trainee is doing really well and...what have I got to complain about today? Nothing, really. Just that now, alone hurts, and I even if I could cure it with alcohol, a cigarette and a book and I can't, I can't, I can't. it wouldn't be right. And just tonight, it seems more difficult than ever.
You know you said you'd come over at some point? Are you doing anything tonight?
It never snows in this country. It's hailing. Hailing. I'm sure I can hear it ringing off the Eiffel Tower across the city. Oh, wait, that's my oven timer. Well, you can't blame me for trying. How is everyone? Doing well, I hope. It's been reported that there's somewhat of a calm after the storm, which I suppose is good. for now. At least, that's what's going around our ministry's corridors.