there are miles left to walk, and this desert never lies.
Dated 22nd of January 1980.
Pro Abime,
I haven’t written in a long time, I know. I’ve been bu, I’ll be honest and say it was more that I didn’t know what to say, rather than not having the time. I’m sorry, if you’ve been worrying, I just it’s difficult. I’m not even sure what to say now, if I’m perfectly honest.
I miss talking to you, that seems like a decent place to start, please stop me if I start rambling. Actually, given that this is a letter, I doubt you could do that. Point remains, I’ll have to stop myself rambling, and look, I’ve done it already. I’m actually, properly, you know, going out with Caradoc, which I probably told you a while back, or only did so because he was glaring at you in the library that one time. He’s a great guy, very protective sometimes, but he’s considerate, funny and…well, a little insane, but who isn’t these days? He’s brave too, but I worry, as he seems to get himself into all sorts of huge messes at times and one of these days, he’s not going to come out of it okay. I…well Things are fucking awful here, Abime. Fucking awful. I’m not using that lightly. I understand why you were scared. and I am t Sometimes I wish you were here, other times I wish I was there.
But I can’t give up. I have to believe things will get better, or they never will, right?
Please write,
Hestia.
Dated 25th of January 1980.
Hestia,
I must confess, this is perhaps the fourth or fifth letter I have attempted to write since I received yours and one of several I have thought about, or started writing since I left. It has been a long time, and it’s quite probably my fault. I just struggle to find the right words, words which I mean sincerely and whole heartedly, but also words which would serve a decent purpose.
I miss talking to you too. You should come visit me, if you want. Any excuse for a trip to Paris, right? But I presume you’ll be busy working (you’re still working in an apothecary, non?) and with Caradoc. Is this the point where I’m supposed to jump up and down like a little girl and ask you all sorts of personal questions? Because I’m not going to do that. But I’ll do you a favour and not glare at him and throw things, either. If you’re happy, then you get my applause. I’m sure he worries about you as much as you do about him. And…frankly, I worry a lot more now than I used to. I am not going to shy away from the fact I’m frightened - of the things happening these days, of making more mistakes, and most of all, of something happening to you. Not because I don’t think you can look after yourself, not because I don’t have confidence that things will come out alright in the end, but because even if things do come out alright in the end, there will be a lot of suffering in the in between time. I want to say otherwise, but I’d be wrong. I couldn’t lie to you.
I want to help, but I have made too many costly mistakes already, I would only make matters worse. Don’t argue with that, it’s the way things are, I know it. But I can promise you this - if you want to leave, not that I’m saying to do so, come here. Come here, and I’ll make sure nothing happens to you. Bring Caradoc too. If you just want to talk to me, write me a letter, or ask me to come, and I’ll be there. I promise.
I don’t want to let you down, but I don’t want to see you hurt either. If it wasn’t clear, I believe in you, and I will do what I can to help.
Abime.
Dated 28th of January
Abime,
I now feel rather silly for not writing before, and I'm sure you do. I just...well, if I'm going to be honest, I did wonder if you wanted anything to do with all of us any more. Not seriously, but it was always that slight little worry that you wouldn't write back or wouldn't want to know what's going off here anymore. I'm very glad that's not the case, though, because, to be honest, it's nice to have someone to talk to outside of it all.
I didn't ask, being silly old me who forgets what she was writing about half way through and goes on massive tangents, but how are you? Last I heard, you'd got a job in the French ministry. Oh, and yes, I do still work in the apothecary. Not even the exciting potion-making bit. I just put them in bottles and hand them out. It's...hilarious at some points, disturbing at others. I'm sure Arithmancy doesn't present you with so many amusing things in a day, but I don't know, maybe triangles make you giggle or something. It's perfectly possible.
But if I get some time, I'd like to come visit. Never been to Paris, if I'm perfectly honest. Maybe Caradoc'd like to come, if I'm not imposing. It'd be nice to get out of this damn country for a day. also one of those things I'd like to do before I die. We'll have to see, I suppose. Everyone's busy with one thing and another these days. My dad says hello, by the way. No, he's not eavesdropping, I swear. If you can eavesdrop on a letter. If you're back in Britain at any point, do come by. Either me or my dad'll attempt (being the operative word) to make you dinner. Oh, and you probably won't appreciate it, but happy birthday, old man.
Hestia
Dated 5th February 1980.
Hestia,
Sorry my reply is so late.
I understand why you thought that, but I sincerely wish you hadn't done. I didn't mean I thought I'd made it clear I wasn't abandoning anyone. I just didn't feel I could do much good, if not do some harm inadvertently. I don't want to lose anyone. please be careful. Any time you need to talk, I am here, as I said before. Although I think Caradoc might prefer it if you go to him first.
I am better than the last time you knew me, that's for sure. Being back in Paris has done me some good, I can't deny it. Even so, it's lonely at times, and my new job isn't the same as working at Hogwarts, but by comparison, my complaints seem rather petty, don't you think?
As I said, you're always welcome. I might take you up on that, to be honest, getting out of Paris and my head does me good. I'll have to see, maybe one weekend. Hello to your dad too.
pour l'amour de dieu, be careful. Please.
Abime.
Fuck. Lots of things seem to like happening at once. It was good to talk to Hestia. It was good to talk to Nick, although frankly, I'm disturbed about how we left that one. It's just good I can have someone to tell everything. It's good to think I'm not going entirely mad and get things off my chest. But the thing is, if I was in the country...some of those things, to think of them happening, to think of them happening to people I know when I'm...here, that's terrifying enough. To actually be there myself, if I wasn't dead, I'd be mad. I'd have lost it completely. I am certain.
This is why I'm here. It's safer, for one. And for another, if I lost it...it wouldn't just be me losing it, it'd be everyone else caring about that, and not the really important shit out there. Puts things in perspective. I'm here, I've got a fucking life to live. In that respect, I'm luckier than some. damn the dates. Damn them. trente-six. trente-fucking-six. the woman at the flower shop knows me by name. foutre.
All that fucking life she missed. Well, maybe, I should go do with my life what she couldn't with hers. If this was...the other way around, that's what I'd want her to do...right? Yeah. So, I'm going to go out next week, when I don't feel like downing bad alcohol. I'm going to go invade that club with Lucien. Have an explore. As long as I don't drink and avoid the hookers, it should be a nice change. Lucien'll help. I'd ask one of the guys at work or something, but that'd mean Awkward Questions. Hell, I might even do that.
And then, I'm going to go visit Hestia. Go talk to her, see what comes of it. I miss her. She saved my fucking life, and I didn't know how to talk to her for so long because it felt like I'd just thrown hers away when she'd saved mine. Not my intention, but it was how it felt.
And then, I'm going to fuck off somewhere interesting. I took this week off sick, but apart from that, I have a lot of time off at my disposal. Hurray for bizarre political and working culture. So I'm going to do it. Don't know where yet, but that can be planned. Sorted. Just get through this week and keep that in mind. Do it for her, if not yourself.
Oh, and I think I ought to talk to Nick.
I meant to write a lot earlier, but things got on top of me. But I'm alright. I just wanted to know if you were. Because you seemed a little off...well, last week, and I thought I ought to ask.
I am really sorry this wasn't sooner. But dates conspire against me. They're good at that.
yours,
Abime.
Lovely weather this time of year. Just perfect. I think I'm going to go back to bed with my cold and give up on today.