Oh, I like pizza...just not when it's topped with pity.
I was gonna filter this to my "special" list but this isn't all deep and dark to me, even though it might be to some people, were they in the same situation. Anywho.
So every year we go to my mom's side for Christmas Day (unless there's an ice storm like there was some years ago). This consists of me and my parents, my uncle Randy and aunt Faith (who are now divorced since my uncle came out), their kids Griffin and Madison, my uncle Ron and his partner Steve, my mom's mother, and my aunt Faith's mother. So relatively small. Or maybe I just think so because my dad's side of the family is ginormous and spread across the country.
Griffin's a year and a half younger than me; he turns 20 in a week, and he's a sophomore at Pitt. Maddie just turned 15 in October.
So here's the thing; I don't feel like...comfortable around my family. I guess, I don't feel comfortable around anybody I meet, like work or whatever, because I never really feel people know me, just what I pretend to be, or what they want me to be. And it doesn't really bother me to that big of an extent because it's work and you know. You just put on a smile and earn some money and all that. The idea of work isn't to be a social butterfly and be beffies with everyone.
So back to family. I just don't feel right amongst them. I don't feel like I belong. I feel so ashamed of myself, because I have nothing going for me. Especially compared to my cousins. Griffin's in college, all Mr. Popular like he was in high school. Maddie's all honor roll student where she goes to school, and is on the swim team. And I'm like, you know, floundering around, going to therapists, not having a full-time job. I mean, yeah, there is the whole sexuality thing but seeing as how both my uncles are gay, it's not as big a deal as it might be in other cases. I guess it is a bit of a deal though, to me, because I just feel like...I don't know, they don't want another one in the family, geez. Got two, three if you want to include Steve, already.
And it's not Griffin and Maddie's faults. I actually get along with them the best, it's just how everyone always asks them questions about their respective lives and we talk about that, and then oh, let's ask Leanne how she's doing. What the fuck am I supposed to say without looking like a schmuck?
I guess though, I am a little sad because I feel like Griffin and I aren't close anymore, like we used to be. We used to do so much together. And now we have nothing to talk about except TV shows/music which you can only do so much of. Superficial stuff.
So Aunt Faith called last night to talk to my mom about something, but my parents were out to dinner with some friends. I took the opportunity to tell her this year I'm not going to be attending the Christmas Festivities. And she was upset and wanted a reason why other than just that I was uncomfortable. She's been through a lot the past two years, so I didn't want to be totally honest and say how it's partially due to how she showers praises all over Griffin and Maddie and then brings me into the conversation and makes me feel like...I'm useless by asking me how I'm doing, so I just said that I don't feel like I can be myself, and that I know the family says they love me and want me there, but they don't know the real Leanne so they can't say that they really do, and that I'm totally okay with staying home by myself.
Which I am. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not like a recluse or something, but I don't have a problem with being alone; I learned a long time ago how to entertain myself. You sort of pick that up very early when you're an only child. I'm good home alone as long as the water heater doesn't start making crazy noises.
Plus, this sounds shitty but if I go, I have to buy presents. Because how the fuck do you go to Christmas and not buy presents for people when they buy you ones without looking like an asshole? Answer: you don't.
And I really don't want to buy presents for anyone there. Not even my grandmother, and this could be her last Christmas. Judge me for that, I don't really care. I'd rather spend the money on blinding_voip, who is visiting me for New Year, because it's someone I feel is worth it. I mean, Christmas is about giving, but why give without meaning? Why give because you "have" to? That's about as shitty as not buying a present at all. "Oh, here's a gift that I had to buy you even though I didn't want to! Merry Christmas! :D"
Whatever.
I told Steve at Thanksgiving about me and Pam. And that. Well, it went well but then it sort of spiralled into this conversation about moving forward in my life and, while I love Steve to death, he can be incredibly condescending, insomuch as that he doesn't necessarily take you seriously, or thinks you have no clue what you're talking about if you are being serious. So that was not fun. I was doing good for a while but to hear him say that both occupations I've been looking into taking a whirl at "aren't what I think they are" kind of hurt.
I get it, I can't get anywhere without a college education, but please don't tell me to go back and get one because THAT is even less likely to happen. I can't do college. Period. End of story. Stop telling me to try it again and offer me some ideas of what I could try instead.
Anyway, this is long and blithery and congratulations if you finished reading this. I just wanted to get it all out.
The IronPigs named their new mascot today. I'm sorry, but PorkChop is always gonna make me think of Doug's puppydog. And it's not a bad name but anything with "Chop" in its name is going to make me think of one thing and it's certainly not the Phillies. The Kids Club name is cute though. IronPiglets awwww hahahaha.
And they have a promo schedule. Effers giving away the bobbles to kids. UGH. And they probably won't give me a pint glass unless I shove ID in their faces.
I should look into tix. They're only 45ish minutes away, even though I don't really know my way to and around Allentown. I don't know, I'm so used to the RPhils. And they're probably cheaper + the Pigs are gonna be sold out more because of their proximity to the Phils. I'm just very torn, I guess. The RPhils'll end up winning out in the end, I'm sure.
GIP but not really. Kendrickkkkkkk I loff you.
Oh oh oh! So I had to work till close on Friday (10:30) and since I had to be in by 9 on Saturday, I only got to see the first of the Lakers/Jazz. So of course AK47 gets a triple-double, one block away from a 5x5. Jazz kill LA. You know how it is. Hopefully this Friday I'll get to actually WATCH THE DAMN THING. This is irritating. I'm buying myself the League Pass package the second half of the season, I'M HOLDING MYSELF TO IT.
So every year we go to my mom's side for Christmas Day (unless there's an ice storm like there was some years ago). This consists of me and my parents, my uncle Randy and aunt Faith (who are now divorced since my uncle came out), their kids Griffin and Madison, my uncle Ron and his partner Steve, my mom's mother, and my aunt Faith's mother. So relatively small. Or maybe I just think so because my dad's side of the family is ginormous and spread across the country.
Griffin's a year and a half younger than me; he turns 20 in a week, and he's a sophomore at Pitt. Maddie just turned 15 in October.
So here's the thing; I don't feel like...comfortable around my family. I guess, I don't feel comfortable around anybody I meet, like work or whatever, because I never really feel people know me, just what I pretend to be, or what they want me to be. And it doesn't really bother me to that big of an extent because it's work and you know. You just put on a smile and earn some money and all that. The idea of work isn't to be a social butterfly and be beffies with everyone.
So back to family. I just don't feel right amongst them. I don't feel like I belong. I feel so ashamed of myself, because I have nothing going for me. Especially compared to my cousins. Griffin's in college, all Mr. Popular like he was in high school. Maddie's all honor roll student where she goes to school, and is on the swim team. And I'm like, you know, floundering around, going to therapists, not having a full-time job. I mean, yeah, there is the whole sexuality thing but seeing as how both my uncles are gay, it's not as big a deal as it might be in other cases. I guess it is a bit of a deal though, to me, because I just feel like...I don't know, they don't want another one in the family, geez. Got two, three if you want to include Steve, already.
And it's not Griffin and Maddie's faults. I actually get along with them the best, it's just how everyone always asks them questions about their respective lives and we talk about that, and then oh, let's ask Leanne how she's doing. What the fuck am I supposed to say without looking like a schmuck?
I guess though, I am a little sad because I feel like Griffin and I aren't close anymore, like we used to be. We used to do so much together. And now we have nothing to talk about except TV shows/music which you can only do so much of. Superficial stuff.
So Aunt Faith called last night to talk to my mom about something, but my parents were out to dinner with some friends. I took the opportunity to tell her this year I'm not going to be attending the Christmas Festivities. And she was upset and wanted a reason why other than just that I was uncomfortable. She's been through a lot the past two years, so I didn't want to be totally honest and say how it's partially due to how she showers praises all over Griffin and Maddie and then brings me into the conversation and makes me feel like...I'm useless by asking me how I'm doing, so I just said that I don't feel like I can be myself, and that I know the family says they love me and want me there, but they don't know the real Leanne so they can't say that they really do, and that I'm totally okay with staying home by myself.
Which I am. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not like a recluse or something, but I don't have a problem with being alone; I learned a long time ago how to entertain myself. You sort of pick that up very early when you're an only child. I'm good home alone as long as the water heater doesn't start making crazy noises.
Plus, this sounds shitty but if I go, I have to buy presents. Because how the fuck do you go to Christmas and not buy presents for people when they buy you ones without looking like an asshole? Answer: you don't.
And I really don't want to buy presents for anyone there. Not even my grandmother, and this could be her last Christmas. Judge me for that, I don't really care. I'd rather spend the money on blinding_voip, who is visiting me for New Year, because it's someone I feel is worth it. I mean, Christmas is about giving, but why give without meaning? Why give because you "have" to? That's about as shitty as not buying a present at all. "Oh, here's a gift that I had to buy you even though I didn't want to! Merry Christmas! :D"
Whatever.
I told Steve at Thanksgiving about me and Pam. And that. Well, it went well but then it sort of spiralled into this conversation about moving forward in my life and, while I love Steve to death, he can be incredibly condescending, insomuch as that he doesn't necessarily take you seriously, or thinks you have no clue what you're talking about if you are being serious. So that was not fun. I was doing good for a while but to hear him say that both occupations I've been looking into taking a whirl at "aren't what I think they are" kind of hurt.
I get it, I can't get anywhere without a college education, but please don't tell me to go back and get one because THAT is even less likely to happen. I can't do college. Period. End of story. Stop telling me to try it again and offer me some ideas of what I could try instead.
Anyway, this is long and blithery and congratulations if you finished reading this. I just wanted to get it all out.
The IronPigs named their new mascot today. I'm sorry, but PorkChop is always gonna make me think of Doug's puppydog. And it's not a bad name but anything with "Chop" in its name is going to make me think of one thing and it's certainly not the Phillies. The Kids Club name is cute though. IronPiglets awwww hahahaha.
And they have a promo schedule. Effers giving away the bobbles to kids. UGH. And they probably won't give me a pint glass unless I shove ID in their faces.
I should look into tix. They're only 45ish minutes away, even though I don't really know my way to and around Allentown. I don't know, I'm so used to the RPhils. And they're probably cheaper + the Pigs are gonna be sold out more because of their proximity to the Phils. I'm just very torn, I guess. The RPhils'll end up winning out in the end, I'm sure.
GIP but not really. Kendrickkkkkkk I loff you.
Oh oh oh! So I had to work till close on Friday (10:30) and since I had to be in by 9 on Saturday, I only got to see the first of the Lakers/Jazz. So of course AK47 gets a triple-double, one block away from a 5x5. Jazz kill LA. You know how it is. Hopefully this Friday I'll get to actually WATCH THE DAMN THING. This is irritating. I'm buying myself the League Pass package the second half of the season, I'M HOLDING MYSELF TO IT.