Buried: Chapter 4
Title: Buried
Pairing: Eunhae
Genre: AU
Summary: Hyukjae has spent a long time adjusting to his way of life. Now, he has to face a change that he never could have expected.
-
After an uncomfortable exchange with the cashier, Donghae makes his way to Hyukjae's car and loads their groceries inside before getting in himself. Then he sits in an even more uncomfortable silence while Hyukjae starts the car. The silence continues as they pull out of the parking lot and onto the road. As soon as they stop at a red light, the stillness becomes too much for Donghae.
“Why are you upset?” he asks.
Hyukjae doesn't answer. Instead, he waits for the green light and accelerates. It doesn't take long for their speed to surpass the speed limit.
“Hyukjae,” Donghae says. Hyukjae's foot pushes harder on the gas. “What are you doing?”
Hyukjae just wants to get home. He wants Donghae to go away. When he gets home, he can escape Donghae. So he goes faster.
“Stop the car,” Donghae says suddenly. “Hyukjae, stop the car.”
Hyukjae isn't sure what it is. Maybe it's the urgency in Donghae's voice or the feeling of Donghae's eyes latched to him. He doesn't know why but he slams his foot on the brakes and takes a hard turn - hard enough for the back of the car to spin until the entire car is parked on the side of the road facing the exact opposite direction it had been traveling in.
As soon as the car has come to a complete stop, Donghae swiftly reaches over and turns it off before taking the keys out of Hyukjae's possession.
“What the hell was that?!” he asks, reeling from panic.
“You never used to ask me why I was upset,” Hyukjae says immediately, turning his gaze to Donghae. “I don't think I can remember you asking me that a single time.”
Donghae stares at Hyukjae's disbelieving face and tries to figure out what this is about. He thinks back to the incident in the store and Hyukjae's reaction. He thinks back just a little further to the parking lot where he'd thought of the Hyukjae he used to know. Then it occurs to him that maybe Hyukjae feels like he isn't the Donghae he used to be.
“You used to know what I was thinking,” Hyukjae continues. “Sometimes it felt like you knew what I was thinking better than I did. And... you know, it's funny, your name used to be Donghae.”
Donghae lets his gaze shift to the window where he sees the clouds overhead, gathering and darkening. He stays quiet, his thoughts whirling until his eyes land on Hyukjae again.
“That's what this is about?” he asks. “You don't think I'm the same person anymore?”
This time it's Hyukjae's eyes that shift to the window. “Maybe you are. Maybe I'm the one who's changed. Maybe burying someone... and burying your love with them... maybe that changes a person.”
Donghae feels more guilty in this moment than he's ever felt before. He'd known that his disappearance would have an effect on Hyukjae but seeing the broken person in front of him makes him hurt.
“I'm sorry,” he says softly. “I'm really sorry for everything I put you through.”
“Isn't it a bit late for that?” Hyukjae snaps. “Saying you're sorry isn't going to make anything better.”
“I'm not trying to make anything better,” Donghae snaps back. “I'm telling you I'm sorry because that's how I feel. All of the pain you've felt was because of me.”
“You're right,” Hyukjae interrupts. “This is all your fault. And you're still causing pain for both of us. So why are you still here?”
“Because you need me,” Donghae says. Hyukjae looks at him with a blank expression. “You might not want me here all of the time but you need me here. That's why you haven't kicked me out yet.”
“I haven't kicked you out because your mom-”
“Don't bullshit me,” Donghae cuts in. “If you really wanted me gone, I would be. When I first came back, you didn't want to see me so I left you alone. But you came looking for me. You looked for me and then shot me down. If I hadn't come to stay with you, you would have done the same again and again until you hated yourself for coming to me. You want me to stay with you because you want a conclusion to this mess just as much as I do.” When Hyukjae remains silent and unmoving, Donghae gives him a bitter smile. “How's that for not knowing what you're thinking?”
Hyukjae's silence doesn't falter. Anger, sadness, confusion crosses his face. And then he breaks.
“I hate you,” Hyukjae says. Donghae's smile falls. “I don't even know if that's true or not but I really wanted to say it. That's what you want me to do, right? Talk to you? Tell you what I feel? Because you think that'll solve everything.”
Donghae sighs. “I don't think it's a solution,” he says, “I just think it might help if we both know how one another feels. Maybe we won't have to sit on the side of the road bickering like this.”
“You sound like a shrink,” Hyukjae mumbles, slouching in his seat.
“Like the shrink who's done such a wonderful job of keeping you emotionally stable?” Donghae bites out.
“The reason I'm emotionally unstable, Donghae, is because up until about a week ago, I didn't think people could come back from the dead.”
Donghae is silent after that. More guilt. More pain. Both of them hurt more with every word spoken but neither of them can stop speaking.
“Look...” Donghae starts, “I know it won't change anything but... I'm not lying when I say that I thought about you every single day... that I thought about coming back to you. It's all I wanted. And I thought that day would come a lot sooner than it did. I thought... you'd still...”
Buried amidst his anger, Hyukjae manages to find a hint of sympathy. He feels wronged by everything that Donghae says, as if the words themselves have etched the scars into his heart. Still, he realizes that although he is in pain, he is not alone. He sees his selfishness in acting as if Donghae's feelings are meaningless and he tries to conquer it.
“I need my keys back,” he says softly and Donghae looks at him to find that his anger has faded. “I want to show you something.”
Donghae thinks that maybe he should hesitate but he doesn't. He hands the keys to Hyukjae who starts the car without another word.
-
Donghae is standing in front of a gravestone. On it is the name of the partner he'd lost just before he'd lost everything else in his life.
“I didn't know him very well,” Hyukjae says, “but I knew he was a good guy. His family moved out of town so I try to take care of his grave.” Donghae doesn't budge. Hyukjae's voice lowers to a softer tone. “I've been so caught up in my own head that I haven't even given you my condolences. I'm... I'm sorry for your loss.”
Donghae looks at Hyukjae and smiles ever so slightly. “Thank you,” he says. “That means a lot.”
Hyukjae nods his head in acknowledgment. They stand there for a while longer before Hyukjae turns and walks, passing several gravestones before stopping in front of another. Donghae follows him and finds a stone with several flower bouquets in front of it. The stone bares his name. Hyukjae crouches to pick up a wilting bouquet and stands with it in his hands. He offers it to Donghae.
“I guess I technically bought these for you,” he says.
It's a joke. It's not the greatest comedic effort the world has ever seen but it does cause a shared smile that brings out a sliver of the happy Hyukjae that Donghae longs to see again.
“Thank you,” Donghae replies, accepting the flowers. He watches as Hyukjae takes a seat on the grass, ignoring its dampness. He looks at the flowers in his hands briefly before sitting next to Hyukjae. “Do you bring me flowers often?” he asks.
Hyukjae nods. “I come here whenever I'm feeling lonely,” he admits. “I... I talk to you sometimes. I tell you what your friends are doing and how my day has been. Sometimes I think it's helped me a lot more than therapy has.”
Donghae observes Hyukjae. He's lost in thought, remembering his past one-sided conversations with an empty grave. Donghae takes this opportunity to stand and make his way behind the grave where he sits down again, leaning against the stone.
“Talk to me,” Donghae says. “Talk to me the way you normally do.”
There is silence at first. Hyukjae is nervous and hesitant and Donghae is waiting anxiously. Hyukjae looks around, trying to pretend that this is just like his past visits to the cemetery. He convinces himself that it truly is and that a living, breathing Donghae isn't an arm's length away.
“Hi, Donghae,” he begins and continues after a pause. “It's been a while, hasn't it? The weather's gotten a little colder since we last talked. When I was on my way to work a few days ago, I noticed that my neck was particularly cold. It made me think about you. I know that if you were there, you wouldn't let me leave the house without a scarf.” Hyukjae smiles a small, sad smile. “You and your stupid scarves. You wouldn't stop buying them and I couldn't stop you because you looked so damn good in all of them.” Donghae unknowingly mirrors Hyukjae's smile as he listens. “Anyway... my life has gotten a bit crazier lately. I've... kind of been avoiding my own thoughts and feelings, just like I did... when you went away. I should know better by now. I should know that avoidance doesn't make anything better. But somehow I still think that avoiding it will make all of the bad feelings go away.”
It hurts Donghae to know that Hyukjae is speaking to an empty grave more freely than he can speak to the live person who should be in that grave. It's as if current Donghae is a complete stranger while past Donghae still thrives in Hyukjae's mind. Donghae is dying to let Hyukjae know that they are the same, he just doesn't know how to make it clear.
“I miss you,” Hyukjae continues and Donghae's hands tighten around the flowers in his hands. “I know I tell you that every time I come here but... I think I miss you now more than any other day. You've come back to me but it's like you're not here at all. You can be standing right in front of me but I don't feel you, I only feel... pain. But you wouldn't bring me pain, would you? If you really came back, you'd make me happy... I know you would. Instead... I see you and I get so angry. I think about how much I needed you after you died. I needed you so badly that I couldn't function. I didn't want to live without you. And now... well, I learned to live without you... but you were alive all along. I was weak. I was so dependent on you, it was embarrassing. What kind of a person doesn't know how to live on their own?” Hyukjae exhales a shaky breath. “Maybe that's why I'm so mad at you. Because when you left, it revealed how weak I really was. And now that you're here... I feel weak all over again.”
There is a silence and Donghae wants to take Hyukjae's worries away but he doesn't speak out of fear that Hyukjae will stop sharing.
“Donghae,” Hyukjae finally says, “I'm sorry. I think I've been a bit too cold to you. I know that you understand how hard this is for me... and I need to stop expecting a miracle from you. We... maybe we can work and... really try to figure this out... together.”
Donghae sees movement out of the corner of his eye and he turns his head to see Hyukjae's hand reaching around the gravestone. Smiling, Donghae lets one of his hands leave his bouquet to tentatively take Hyukjae's hand into his own. He squeezes it, providing comfort and assurance and maybe just a little bit of warmth. This is a big step forward and it gives Donghae hope that soon Hyukjae will recognize him as the same Donghae that he lost two years ago.
“Together,” Donghae agrees. He feels Hyukjae's grip tighten briefly before their hands part.
“Let's start by getting out of this place,” Hyukjae says as he stands. “This isn't exactly the most positive place to be.”
“I can agree with that. Plus I'm kind of starving.” Donghae stands as well. He looks at Hyukjae whose nose is ever so slightly red from a bit of cold wind mixed with sniffling. He tries not to smile too much at being in the presence of a Hyukjae who doesn't completely hate him.
“I guess it's a good thing we just went shopping.” Hyukjae begins to walk back to his car, hands in his pockets. Donghae walks beside him, still holding the bouquet in his hands.
“Yeah.” Donghae nods. “I think I'll cook up some fish.”
Hyukjae shoots Donghae a look so fierce that he's apologizing immediately and falling just a little bit behind Hyukjae's steps to avoid his wrath. Still, wrath or no wrath, Donghae is happy to be walking beside Hyukjae at all.
-
Donghae is comfortably curled up on the couch with a blanket to keep him warm and it's the most welcome he's felt in this house since he's come back. Although he enjoys the rather cozy feeling, he's happy to have it interrupted by Hyukjae bringing him a cup of hot tea and sitting beside him.
“Thanks,” Donghae says appreciatively, “I haven't had tea in ages.”
“No problem,” Hyukjae replies.
After a moment of silence reminds Donghae that their communication isn't exactly perfect, he reaches for the television remote. “Wanna watch something?” he asks.
“Sure,” Hyukjae says. “Wait,” he immediately recants, causing Donghae to set the remote back down and look at him. “I, um... I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry for, um... being so irrational and not realizing my mistakes sooner.”
Donghae's entire being slumps. “Hyukjae,” he says sympathetically, “you don't have to apologize. If anything, after what you've told me, I should be the one apologizing. Over and over and over again. No one should have to feel the way I made you feel.”
“But it wasn't your fault. It may have taken me a while to realize that but it's the truth.”
“I know... but it was still because of me.”
“Hey, it's not your fault that I'm terrible at grieving.” Hyukjae gives a tiny, bitter smile to his memories.
Donghae knows that look of self-hate. “You know that everything you felt was perfectly okay, right? And anything you thought or did while you were grieving was understandable. Even if you took all of your clothes off and ran through the neighborhood, it's understandable.”
“Would it have been?” The smile on Hyukjae's face is a lot more genuine now.
“Well that might have been a bit strange.” Donghae smiles back. “But you know what I mean. You don't have to feel bad about being sad - no matter how you may have expressed that. It doesn't mean that you're weak or dependent, it means you're normal.”
Hyukjae nods and stares down into his tea cup. “You've really thought about this,” he says quietly before looking up at Donghae, “I guess I really wasn't the only one hurting when you left.”
Donghae is taken aback. He'd been so focused on Hyukjae's pain that he'd temporarily forgotten about his own. “No,” he says. “You definitely... definitely were not the only one.”
Hyukjae looks away and releases a held breath. He feels like running away again. Confronting his own feelings as well as Donghae's is tough. But he knows that he can't run away anymore. There is an ending for his confusion and it will never be found if his legs keep helping it escape.
“Hey,” Donghae says and Hyukjae's eyes are drawn to him. “Baby steps, okay?”
Another smile is unknowingly pulled out of Hyukjae and he finds himself briefly wishing he could move a little bit closer and maybe hold a hand or use a thigh as a pillow. He remains a safe distance away, drinking his tea and watching a now distracting television screen. And he is content, for now.
-
Donghae's fake sleeping schedule has officially leaked into his real one and so, early on Monday morning, he is fast asleep on the couch as Hyukjae prepares for work. Hyukjae quietly makes and eats breakfast in the kitchen before sneaking to see if Donghae is really asleep. Donghae's mouth is parted just enough to let out an occasional quiet snore, his hair is a mess, and one of his legs is hanging off of the couch. Hyukjae feels bad for not having a spare bedroom until he remembers that he and Donghae had bought this small house together and therefore half of the blame belongs to Donghae. He carefully puts Donghae's leg on the couch where it belongs before sneaking away and continuing to get ready for work.
It isn't until he's parked in front of the store that he remembers the ill parting he'd had with Ryeowook. He hadn't meant to be cruel and had originally planned to spend the weekend apologizing. He feels terrible for being distracted from that and hopes to make it up to Ryeowook. Taking a few deep breaths, Hyukjae calms himself before stepping out of his car and heading inside.
Ryeowook doesn't look up when Hyukjae comes into the store. Hyukjae hesitantly makes his way to the counter and breaks the silence.
“Hey,” he says. Ryeowook doesn't reply. “I... um... I'm really sorry... about what I said on Friday night. I was really upset and I shouldn't have taken it out on you.”
Ryeowook stays silent for a while before he sighs. “I guess I can't stay mad at you. We kind of have to work together every day. Plus... I understand. It's been rough for you lately.”
Hyukjae smiles a little. “Thanks... I don't think I could get through all this without you. So... apology accepted?”
“Apology accepted.”
-
When Donghae wakes up, he feels lonely. He's just started to reconnect with Hyukjae and he doesn't want to wait for an entire day to continue that. He recalls that Ryeowook had invited him to the shop and within minutes, he's dressed and ready to walk out the door.
-
Hyukjae clicks on an email, reads it, and turns to Ryeowook. “The lady who wanted to see the mermaid painting is on her way now,” he says.
“It might be a little bit buried in the back room by now,” Ryeowook replies. “I'll go dig it out.”
Hyukjae hums out a noise of acknowledgment and returns to checking emails. A ding coming from the entrance tells him that someone has just walked in. When he sees that the “someone” is Donghae, he feels a flutter in his stomach - one that is much less terrifying than the others he's felt recently in Donghae's presence.
“Hi,” Hyukjae says.
“Hi,” Donghae says in return. He makes his way to the counter with his hands in his jacket pockets. “Ryeowook invited me to stop by, so...”
“Right.” Hyukjae remembers the unfortunately-timed invitation well.
The awkward silence between them is luckily interrupted when Ryeowook walks into the room and sets the painting he'd been searching for down. “Donghae,” he addresses Donghae's presence with a smile, “it's nice to see you here.”
“It's nice to be here,” responds Donghae.
As Donghae and Ryeowook have a conversation about the store, Hyukjae happily welcomes another ding at the door. It's the woman who sent an email just moments ago. Hyukjae picks the painting up, allowing the woman to admire it. Meanwhile, Donghae subtly admires Hyukjae's salesmanship while Ryeowook is explaining something about shelves to him. He isn't sure what exactly Ryeowook is talking about, he's only paying enough attention to know that Ryeowook's eyes are directed away from him. Hyukjae briefly glances over and when he and Donghae's eyes meet, they both look away quickly.
The woman proudly walks away with her new purchase as Donghae continues to pretend to listen to Ryeowook. He casually turns his eyes in Hyukjae's direction only to find that Hyukjae is looking at him as well and they both quickly turn away again. Donghae then decides that the best option for him is to actually listen to Ryeowook.
“It's a lot better to have dust on top of the shelves than all over our art,” Ryeowook says after previous sentences that Donghae did not hear.
“Yeah,” Donghae agrees, “that would suck.”
“You should take a look around,” Ryeowook suggests. “Almost every piece is done by Hyukjae or myself but there are some by other local artists.”
“Okay,” Donghae replies simply and turns to examine a shelf full of sculptures and eventually moves on to a wall of paintings.
Ryeowook slinks his way to Hyukjae and nudges him with a wide grin.
“What?” Hyukjae asks, desperately busying himself with emails that he's already read.
“Nothing,” Ryeowook says in an obvious voice before slinking away.
Donghae finishes looking around the shop and stops at the counter. “You guys have a lot of neat stuff,” he says.
“Of course we do,” Ryeowook replies. “We wouldn't be in business if we sold uninteresting stuff.”
Donghae nods with an amused smile. A couple walks into the store and Hyukjae greets them before they begin to browse. Donghae glances at him, this time having a few seconds to stare before Ryeowook interrupts.
“Oh! We should have another art night soon.”
Hyukjae looks at Ryeowook and contemplates this. “I guess we could. It's been a while.”
“Art night?” Donghae questions.
“We get a few friends together and paint,” Ryeowook explains. “And... drink. Sometimes. But mostly we just paint.”
“No one's been allowed to drink since you spilled wine all over my carpet.” Hyukjae glares at Ryeowook.
“I paid for it to be cleaned!” Ryeowook defends.
Hyukjae rolls his eyes. “You're lucky it all came out,” he mumbles. “We'll see when everyone else is free and set a date.”
“Can I come?” Donghae asks with a little jest.
“No, I'm going to kick you out of the house while we paint. You can play with the stray cats.”
It's another joke from Hyukjae and another sliver of happiness for Donghae. Even Ryeowook looks slightly surprised by the light atmosphere and the smile on Hyukjae's face.
“Well then,” Donghae speaks up, “I guess I'm gonna head out. I'll see you guys later.”
“Bye!” Ryeowook waves as Donghae walks out the door and then turns to Hyukjae. “You didn't tell me that you two are on good terms now.”
“Do I have to tell you everything? Besides... we're just... taking baby steps.”
“Well, I'm proud of your baby steps.”
Hyukjae looks at Ryeowook and sees nothing but sincerity. Ryeowook is a true friend that Hyukjae really doesn't know how he'd survive without him. “Thanks,” he says. “That means a lot.”
-
Donghae walks through the front door of Hyukjae's house that evening with a smile that can't stay away. It grows a little wider when he realizes that he can walk into this house without feeling like he's committing a crime. He closes the door behind him and takes his shoes off before entering the living room where he finds Hyukjae sitting on the floor in front of the couch. He's watching a movie that he pauses when he hears Donghae come in.
“Hi.” Hyukjae fiddles with the remote in his hands.
“Hi,” Donghae mimics. He steps closer and stands on the opposite side of the couch from Hyukjae. “What are you watching?”
“Just some animated movie a friend recommended to me. It's almost over.” Hyukjae stops fiddling and looks up at Donghae. “What did you do today? I mean... if you don't mind me asking.”
“I spent the day with my mom.” Donghae takes a seat on the couch and grins as he thinks of the hours spent with her.
“How is she?”
“She's great. Really great. Although she talked about you a little too much...”
Hyukjae's eyes narrow. “Yeah, well, that's what happens when you're really fantastic. People talk. And then they start to like you more than their own children.”
Donghae is momentarily torn between agreeing with how fantastic Hyukjae is or moving on from the topic. He chooses the safer option. “If you say so,” he says before turning to the screen. “Finish your movie so I can go to sleep.”
Hyukjae presses play on the movie. Then he pauses it again. Then he presses play again.
“Lee Hyukjae,” Donghae mockingly scolds Hyukjae. The movie stays playing without pause after that.
-
Pairing: Eunhae
Genre: AU
Summary: Hyukjae has spent a long time adjusting to his way of life. Now, he has to face a change that he never could have expected.
-
After an uncomfortable exchange with the cashier, Donghae makes his way to Hyukjae's car and loads their groceries inside before getting in himself. Then he sits in an even more uncomfortable silence while Hyukjae starts the car. The silence continues as they pull out of the parking lot and onto the road. As soon as they stop at a red light, the stillness becomes too much for Donghae.
“Why are you upset?” he asks.
Hyukjae doesn't answer. Instead, he waits for the green light and accelerates. It doesn't take long for their speed to surpass the speed limit.
“Hyukjae,” Donghae says. Hyukjae's foot pushes harder on the gas. “What are you doing?”
Hyukjae just wants to get home. He wants Donghae to go away. When he gets home, he can escape Donghae. So he goes faster.
“Stop the car,” Donghae says suddenly. “Hyukjae, stop the car.”
Hyukjae isn't sure what it is. Maybe it's the urgency in Donghae's voice or the feeling of Donghae's eyes latched to him. He doesn't know why but he slams his foot on the brakes and takes a hard turn - hard enough for the back of the car to spin until the entire car is parked on the side of the road facing the exact opposite direction it had been traveling in.
As soon as the car has come to a complete stop, Donghae swiftly reaches over and turns it off before taking the keys out of Hyukjae's possession.
“What the hell was that?!” he asks, reeling from panic.
“You never used to ask me why I was upset,” Hyukjae says immediately, turning his gaze to Donghae. “I don't think I can remember you asking me that a single time.”
Donghae stares at Hyukjae's disbelieving face and tries to figure out what this is about. He thinks back to the incident in the store and Hyukjae's reaction. He thinks back just a little further to the parking lot where he'd thought of the Hyukjae he used to know. Then it occurs to him that maybe Hyukjae feels like he isn't the Donghae he used to be.
“You used to know what I was thinking,” Hyukjae continues. “Sometimes it felt like you knew what I was thinking better than I did. And... you know, it's funny, your name used to be Donghae.”
Donghae lets his gaze shift to the window where he sees the clouds overhead, gathering and darkening. He stays quiet, his thoughts whirling until his eyes land on Hyukjae again.
“That's what this is about?” he asks. “You don't think I'm the same person anymore?”
This time it's Hyukjae's eyes that shift to the window. “Maybe you are. Maybe I'm the one who's changed. Maybe burying someone... and burying your love with them... maybe that changes a person.”
Donghae feels more guilty in this moment than he's ever felt before. He'd known that his disappearance would have an effect on Hyukjae but seeing the broken person in front of him makes him hurt.
“I'm sorry,” he says softly. “I'm really sorry for everything I put you through.”
“Isn't it a bit late for that?” Hyukjae snaps. “Saying you're sorry isn't going to make anything better.”
“I'm not trying to make anything better,” Donghae snaps back. “I'm telling you I'm sorry because that's how I feel. All of the pain you've felt was because of me.”
“You're right,” Hyukjae interrupts. “This is all your fault. And you're still causing pain for both of us. So why are you still here?”
“Because you need me,” Donghae says. Hyukjae looks at him with a blank expression. “You might not want me here all of the time but you need me here. That's why you haven't kicked me out yet.”
“I haven't kicked you out because your mom-”
“Don't bullshit me,” Donghae cuts in. “If you really wanted me gone, I would be. When I first came back, you didn't want to see me so I left you alone. But you came looking for me. You looked for me and then shot me down. If I hadn't come to stay with you, you would have done the same again and again until you hated yourself for coming to me. You want me to stay with you because you want a conclusion to this mess just as much as I do.” When Hyukjae remains silent and unmoving, Donghae gives him a bitter smile. “How's that for not knowing what you're thinking?”
Hyukjae's silence doesn't falter. Anger, sadness, confusion crosses his face. And then he breaks.
“I hate you,” Hyukjae says. Donghae's smile falls. “I don't even know if that's true or not but I really wanted to say it. That's what you want me to do, right? Talk to you? Tell you what I feel? Because you think that'll solve everything.”
Donghae sighs. “I don't think it's a solution,” he says, “I just think it might help if we both know how one another feels. Maybe we won't have to sit on the side of the road bickering like this.”
“You sound like a shrink,” Hyukjae mumbles, slouching in his seat.
“Like the shrink who's done such a wonderful job of keeping you emotionally stable?” Donghae bites out.
“The reason I'm emotionally unstable, Donghae, is because up until about a week ago, I didn't think people could come back from the dead.”
Donghae is silent after that. More guilt. More pain. Both of them hurt more with every word spoken but neither of them can stop speaking.
“Look...” Donghae starts, “I know it won't change anything but... I'm not lying when I say that I thought about you every single day... that I thought about coming back to you. It's all I wanted. And I thought that day would come a lot sooner than it did. I thought... you'd still...”
Buried amidst his anger, Hyukjae manages to find a hint of sympathy. He feels wronged by everything that Donghae says, as if the words themselves have etched the scars into his heart. Still, he realizes that although he is in pain, he is not alone. He sees his selfishness in acting as if Donghae's feelings are meaningless and he tries to conquer it.
“I need my keys back,” he says softly and Donghae looks at him to find that his anger has faded. “I want to show you something.”
Donghae thinks that maybe he should hesitate but he doesn't. He hands the keys to Hyukjae who starts the car without another word.
-
Donghae is standing in front of a gravestone. On it is the name of the partner he'd lost just before he'd lost everything else in his life.
“I didn't know him very well,” Hyukjae says, “but I knew he was a good guy. His family moved out of town so I try to take care of his grave.” Donghae doesn't budge. Hyukjae's voice lowers to a softer tone. “I've been so caught up in my own head that I haven't even given you my condolences. I'm... I'm sorry for your loss.”
Donghae looks at Hyukjae and smiles ever so slightly. “Thank you,” he says. “That means a lot.”
Hyukjae nods his head in acknowledgment. They stand there for a while longer before Hyukjae turns and walks, passing several gravestones before stopping in front of another. Donghae follows him and finds a stone with several flower bouquets in front of it. The stone bares his name. Hyukjae crouches to pick up a wilting bouquet and stands with it in his hands. He offers it to Donghae.
“I guess I technically bought these for you,” he says.
It's a joke. It's not the greatest comedic effort the world has ever seen but it does cause a shared smile that brings out a sliver of the happy Hyukjae that Donghae longs to see again.
“Thank you,” Donghae replies, accepting the flowers. He watches as Hyukjae takes a seat on the grass, ignoring its dampness. He looks at the flowers in his hands briefly before sitting next to Hyukjae. “Do you bring me flowers often?” he asks.
Hyukjae nods. “I come here whenever I'm feeling lonely,” he admits. “I... I talk to you sometimes. I tell you what your friends are doing and how my day has been. Sometimes I think it's helped me a lot more than therapy has.”
Donghae observes Hyukjae. He's lost in thought, remembering his past one-sided conversations with an empty grave. Donghae takes this opportunity to stand and make his way behind the grave where he sits down again, leaning against the stone.
“Talk to me,” Donghae says. “Talk to me the way you normally do.”
There is silence at first. Hyukjae is nervous and hesitant and Donghae is waiting anxiously. Hyukjae looks around, trying to pretend that this is just like his past visits to the cemetery. He convinces himself that it truly is and that a living, breathing Donghae isn't an arm's length away.
“Hi, Donghae,” he begins and continues after a pause. “It's been a while, hasn't it? The weather's gotten a little colder since we last talked. When I was on my way to work a few days ago, I noticed that my neck was particularly cold. It made me think about you. I know that if you were there, you wouldn't let me leave the house without a scarf.” Hyukjae smiles a small, sad smile. “You and your stupid scarves. You wouldn't stop buying them and I couldn't stop you because you looked so damn good in all of them.” Donghae unknowingly mirrors Hyukjae's smile as he listens. “Anyway... my life has gotten a bit crazier lately. I've... kind of been avoiding my own thoughts and feelings, just like I did... when you went away. I should know better by now. I should know that avoidance doesn't make anything better. But somehow I still think that avoiding it will make all of the bad feelings go away.”
It hurts Donghae to know that Hyukjae is speaking to an empty grave more freely than he can speak to the live person who should be in that grave. It's as if current Donghae is a complete stranger while past Donghae still thrives in Hyukjae's mind. Donghae is dying to let Hyukjae know that they are the same, he just doesn't know how to make it clear.
“I miss you,” Hyukjae continues and Donghae's hands tighten around the flowers in his hands. “I know I tell you that every time I come here but... I think I miss you now more than any other day. You've come back to me but it's like you're not here at all. You can be standing right in front of me but I don't feel you, I only feel... pain. But you wouldn't bring me pain, would you? If you really came back, you'd make me happy... I know you would. Instead... I see you and I get so angry. I think about how much I needed you after you died. I needed you so badly that I couldn't function. I didn't want to live without you. And now... well, I learned to live without you... but you were alive all along. I was weak. I was so dependent on you, it was embarrassing. What kind of a person doesn't know how to live on their own?” Hyukjae exhales a shaky breath. “Maybe that's why I'm so mad at you. Because when you left, it revealed how weak I really was. And now that you're here... I feel weak all over again.”
There is a silence and Donghae wants to take Hyukjae's worries away but he doesn't speak out of fear that Hyukjae will stop sharing.
“Donghae,” Hyukjae finally says, “I'm sorry. I think I've been a bit too cold to you. I know that you understand how hard this is for me... and I need to stop expecting a miracle from you. We... maybe we can work and... really try to figure this out... together.”
Donghae sees movement out of the corner of his eye and he turns his head to see Hyukjae's hand reaching around the gravestone. Smiling, Donghae lets one of his hands leave his bouquet to tentatively take Hyukjae's hand into his own. He squeezes it, providing comfort and assurance and maybe just a little bit of warmth. This is a big step forward and it gives Donghae hope that soon Hyukjae will recognize him as the same Donghae that he lost two years ago.
“Together,” Donghae agrees. He feels Hyukjae's grip tighten briefly before their hands part.
“Let's start by getting out of this place,” Hyukjae says as he stands. “This isn't exactly the most positive place to be.”
“I can agree with that. Plus I'm kind of starving.” Donghae stands as well. He looks at Hyukjae whose nose is ever so slightly red from a bit of cold wind mixed with sniffling. He tries not to smile too much at being in the presence of a Hyukjae who doesn't completely hate him.
“I guess it's a good thing we just went shopping.” Hyukjae begins to walk back to his car, hands in his pockets. Donghae walks beside him, still holding the bouquet in his hands.
“Yeah.” Donghae nods. “I think I'll cook up some fish.”
Hyukjae shoots Donghae a look so fierce that he's apologizing immediately and falling just a little bit behind Hyukjae's steps to avoid his wrath. Still, wrath or no wrath, Donghae is happy to be walking beside Hyukjae at all.
-
Donghae is comfortably curled up on the couch with a blanket to keep him warm and it's the most welcome he's felt in this house since he's come back. Although he enjoys the rather cozy feeling, he's happy to have it interrupted by Hyukjae bringing him a cup of hot tea and sitting beside him.
“Thanks,” Donghae says appreciatively, “I haven't had tea in ages.”
“No problem,” Hyukjae replies.
After a moment of silence reminds Donghae that their communication isn't exactly perfect, he reaches for the television remote. “Wanna watch something?” he asks.
“Sure,” Hyukjae says. “Wait,” he immediately recants, causing Donghae to set the remote back down and look at him. “I, um... I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry for, um... being so irrational and not realizing my mistakes sooner.”
Donghae's entire being slumps. “Hyukjae,” he says sympathetically, “you don't have to apologize. If anything, after what you've told me, I should be the one apologizing. Over and over and over again. No one should have to feel the way I made you feel.”
“But it wasn't your fault. It may have taken me a while to realize that but it's the truth.”
“I know... but it was still because of me.”
“Hey, it's not your fault that I'm terrible at grieving.” Hyukjae gives a tiny, bitter smile to his memories.
Donghae knows that look of self-hate. “You know that everything you felt was perfectly okay, right? And anything you thought or did while you were grieving was understandable. Even if you took all of your clothes off and ran through the neighborhood, it's understandable.”
“Would it have been?” The smile on Hyukjae's face is a lot more genuine now.
“Well that might have been a bit strange.” Donghae smiles back. “But you know what I mean. You don't have to feel bad about being sad - no matter how you may have expressed that. It doesn't mean that you're weak or dependent, it means you're normal.”
Hyukjae nods and stares down into his tea cup. “You've really thought about this,” he says quietly before looking up at Donghae, “I guess I really wasn't the only one hurting when you left.”
Donghae is taken aback. He'd been so focused on Hyukjae's pain that he'd temporarily forgotten about his own. “No,” he says. “You definitely... definitely were not the only one.”
Hyukjae looks away and releases a held breath. He feels like running away again. Confronting his own feelings as well as Donghae's is tough. But he knows that he can't run away anymore. There is an ending for his confusion and it will never be found if his legs keep helping it escape.
“Hey,” Donghae says and Hyukjae's eyes are drawn to him. “Baby steps, okay?”
Another smile is unknowingly pulled out of Hyukjae and he finds himself briefly wishing he could move a little bit closer and maybe hold a hand or use a thigh as a pillow. He remains a safe distance away, drinking his tea and watching a now distracting television screen. And he is content, for now.
-
Donghae's fake sleeping schedule has officially leaked into his real one and so, early on Monday morning, he is fast asleep on the couch as Hyukjae prepares for work. Hyukjae quietly makes and eats breakfast in the kitchen before sneaking to see if Donghae is really asleep. Donghae's mouth is parted just enough to let out an occasional quiet snore, his hair is a mess, and one of his legs is hanging off of the couch. Hyukjae feels bad for not having a spare bedroom until he remembers that he and Donghae had bought this small house together and therefore half of the blame belongs to Donghae. He carefully puts Donghae's leg on the couch where it belongs before sneaking away and continuing to get ready for work.
It isn't until he's parked in front of the store that he remembers the ill parting he'd had with Ryeowook. He hadn't meant to be cruel and had originally planned to spend the weekend apologizing. He feels terrible for being distracted from that and hopes to make it up to Ryeowook. Taking a few deep breaths, Hyukjae calms himself before stepping out of his car and heading inside.
Ryeowook doesn't look up when Hyukjae comes into the store. Hyukjae hesitantly makes his way to the counter and breaks the silence.
“Hey,” he says. Ryeowook doesn't reply. “I... um... I'm really sorry... about what I said on Friday night. I was really upset and I shouldn't have taken it out on you.”
Ryeowook stays silent for a while before he sighs. “I guess I can't stay mad at you. We kind of have to work together every day. Plus... I understand. It's been rough for you lately.”
Hyukjae smiles a little. “Thanks... I don't think I could get through all this without you. So... apology accepted?”
“Apology accepted.”
-
When Donghae wakes up, he feels lonely. He's just started to reconnect with Hyukjae and he doesn't want to wait for an entire day to continue that. He recalls that Ryeowook had invited him to the shop and within minutes, he's dressed and ready to walk out the door.
-
Hyukjae clicks on an email, reads it, and turns to Ryeowook. “The lady who wanted to see the mermaid painting is on her way now,” he says.
“It might be a little bit buried in the back room by now,” Ryeowook replies. “I'll go dig it out.”
Hyukjae hums out a noise of acknowledgment and returns to checking emails. A ding coming from the entrance tells him that someone has just walked in. When he sees that the “someone” is Donghae, he feels a flutter in his stomach - one that is much less terrifying than the others he's felt recently in Donghae's presence.
“Hi,” Hyukjae says.
“Hi,” Donghae says in return. He makes his way to the counter with his hands in his jacket pockets. “Ryeowook invited me to stop by, so...”
“Right.” Hyukjae remembers the unfortunately-timed invitation well.
The awkward silence between them is luckily interrupted when Ryeowook walks into the room and sets the painting he'd been searching for down. “Donghae,” he addresses Donghae's presence with a smile, “it's nice to see you here.”
“It's nice to be here,” responds Donghae.
As Donghae and Ryeowook have a conversation about the store, Hyukjae happily welcomes another ding at the door. It's the woman who sent an email just moments ago. Hyukjae picks the painting up, allowing the woman to admire it. Meanwhile, Donghae subtly admires Hyukjae's salesmanship while Ryeowook is explaining something about shelves to him. He isn't sure what exactly Ryeowook is talking about, he's only paying enough attention to know that Ryeowook's eyes are directed away from him. Hyukjae briefly glances over and when he and Donghae's eyes meet, they both look away quickly.
The woman proudly walks away with her new purchase as Donghae continues to pretend to listen to Ryeowook. He casually turns his eyes in Hyukjae's direction only to find that Hyukjae is looking at him as well and they both quickly turn away again. Donghae then decides that the best option for him is to actually listen to Ryeowook.
“It's a lot better to have dust on top of the shelves than all over our art,” Ryeowook says after previous sentences that Donghae did not hear.
“Yeah,” Donghae agrees, “that would suck.”
“You should take a look around,” Ryeowook suggests. “Almost every piece is done by Hyukjae or myself but there are some by other local artists.”
“Okay,” Donghae replies simply and turns to examine a shelf full of sculptures and eventually moves on to a wall of paintings.
Ryeowook slinks his way to Hyukjae and nudges him with a wide grin.
“What?” Hyukjae asks, desperately busying himself with emails that he's already read.
“Nothing,” Ryeowook says in an obvious voice before slinking away.
Donghae finishes looking around the shop and stops at the counter. “You guys have a lot of neat stuff,” he says.
“Of course we do,” Ryeowook replies. “We wouldn't be in business if we sold uninteresting stuff.”
Donghae nods with an amused smile. A couple walks into the store and Hyukjae greets them before they begin to browse. Donghae glances at him, this time having a few seconds to stare before Ryeowook interrupts.
“Oh! We should have another art night soon.”
Hyukjae looks at Ryeowook and contemplates this. “I guess we could. It's been a while.”
“Art night?” Donghae questions.
“We get a few friends together and paint,” Ryeowook explains. “And... drink. Sometimes. But mostly we just paint.”
“No one's been allowed to drink since you spilled wine all over my carpet.” Hyukjae glares at Ryeowook.
“I paid for it to be cleaned!” Ryeowook defends.
Hyukjae rolls his eyes. “You're lucky it all came out,” he mumbles. “We'll see when everyone else is free and set a date.”
“Can I come?” Donghae asks with a little jest.
“No, I'm going to kick you out of the house while we paint. You can play with the stray cats.”
It's another joke from Hyukjae and another sliver of happiness for Donghae. Even Ryeowook looks slightly surprised by the light atmosphere and the smile on Hyukjae's face.
“Well then,” Donghae speaks up, “I guess I'm gonna head out. I'll see you guys later.”
“Bye!” Ryeowook waves as Donghae walks out the door and then turns to Hyukjae. “You didn't tell me that you two are on good terms now.”
“Do I have to tell you everything? Besides... we're just... taking baby steps.”
“Well, I'm proud of your baby steps.”
Hyukjae looks at Ryeowook and sees nothing but sincerity. Ryeowook is a true friend that Hyukjae really doesn't know how he'd survive without him. “Thanks,” he says. “That means a lot.”
-
Donghae walks through the front door of Hyukjae's house that evening with a smile that can't stay away. It grows a little wider when he realizes that he can walk into this house without feeling like he's committing a crime. He closes the door behind him and takes his shoes off before entering the living room where he finds Hyukjae sitting on the floor in front of the couch. He's watching a movie that he pauses when he hears Donghae come in.
“Hi.” Hyukjae fiddles with the remote in his hands.
“Hi,” Donghae mimics. He steps closer and stands on the opposite side of the couch from Hyukjae. “What are you watching?”
“Just some animated movie a friend recommended to me. It's almost over.” Hyukjae stops fiddling and looks up at Donghae. “What did you do today? I mean... if you don't mind me asking.”
“I spent the day with my mom.” Donghae takes a seat on the couch and grins as he thinks of the hours spent with her.
“How is she?”
“She's great. Really great. Although she talked about you a little too much...”
Hyukjae's eyes narrow. “Yeah, well, that's what happens when you're really fantastic. People talk. And then they start to like you more than their own children.”
Donghae is momentarily torn between agreeing with how fantastic Hyukjae is or moving on from the topic. He chooses the safer option. “If you say so,” he says before turning to the screen. “Finish your movie so I can go to sleep.”
Hyukjae presses play on the movie. Then he pauses it again. Then he presses play again.
“Lee Hyukjae,” Donghae mockingly scolds Hyukjae. The movie stays playing without pause after that.
-