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Where are you going, my baby, my own?
It sometimes, frequently, feels like it'll all never end. They say that you get what you give. And I think, "Maybe that's my problem." I try, but no matter what I do, it seems like I'm not generous of spirit the way I would like to be. The way my dad is. The way my brother is. Self preservation be damned. I'm reserved. I'm aloof, even. And I don't ( Read more... ) -
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow
I know I've talked about this before, but it's been on my mind lately. Dan always called me a "chameleon". I can blend into whatever situation. I used to hate it. I was so convinced that I had a strong, distinctive personality. Maybe I don't. I do have opinions of my own. My own likes and dislikes. But I'm so reticent in revealing them. I'd rather ( Read more... ) -
What kind of world do you want?
I can't. I just can't. My mind is racing. My heartbeat is racing. everything's FUCKING RACING. Where does everything go? Where is it going? Why won't it take me with it, whatever it is? There's a reason; I just can't see it. It feels like if I just have beautiful, sweet intoxication, ironically, it'll make my mind clearer. It's time to go again. ( Read more... ) -
I can't go outside, I'm scared I might not make it home.
I try to go out on dates. I do. But afterward, I find I'm just cursing myself for not putting my whole heart in it. Not being clever enough. Not as attractive as I used to be. Not as glowing as I used to be. It seems I used to be able to get a guy's attention with just a look. A glance. Something that said "I have a secret". Maybe it's my ( Read more... ) -
Family
My brother is choosing to be homeless rather than live with Mom. -
trigger
My ocd has been kicking up recently. And I find it really distressing, which makes it worse. I think it's all of the stress that's just coming to a head. I'm trying to remember that I've controlled this before and I can do it again, but right now it's just so overwhelming. I have these insane thoughts that if I'm not absolutely perfect, if I don't ( Read more... ) -
tides that I tried to swim against
Things are slowly working out in my favor. I got the job assert Olive garden and I start on Monday. I'm signed up for classes at Mercer in the fall. I was able to find the clothes I need for work all at walmart. For $60, which is $10 more than my $50 budget, but I need them. I'm down to my last $100 until I start making money, but I think I can ( Read more... ) -
They all led me straight back home to you
I'm feeling better. Tomorrow I'm going to apply to Olive Garden. It'll feel good to be back in a restaurant. I've decided I'm not going to get down on myself while I'm unemployed. They only thing that still worries me is I won't be able to afford my meds. But even that, I'm doing ok right now and I'll just have to watch myself. It feels good to be ( Read more... ) -
I'm not saying I'm sorry
A month ago I overdosed. I took all of my meds, every single pill in 5 different bottles. Then I took myself out to dinner, came home, and passed out for 15 hours, and proceeded to puke every time I moved for 36 hours. I was out of my head, saying things that made no sense, slurring my words, yelling inanely at my mother for no reason. It was a ( Read more... ) -
Que sera sera...
So I had a wonderful conversation with Mom last night. We both stayed up late and just.. talked. About everything. I finally told her I had been abused as a child. She didn't ask too many questions, which I was relieved about, but just told her that I had worked through it in therapy and with Dan. She indicated that she had experience with ( Read more... )