Troubled Waters
I'm not awake, but I'm conscious only because my eyes arent willing to close again. I can't sleep. I am off work today, thank God, but I had a very rough day yesterday. Rather, I had a rough night.
Mike and I had a horrible fight last night. It isn't just the fight last night, but it's the little things that happen every day. I know couples fight, but... we have some serious issues that he refuses to address. Last night, we were out walking the dog, and for those who don't know, we have a seven month old pitt bull. He is a BIG dog, and he is strong. Mike was holding the leash. I started to walk toward our apartments and for some reason the dog must have really wanted to go with me. I didn't know because my back was turned. The dog ran toward me evidently full force and jerked the leash out of Mike's hand. We have one of those retractible leashes. It hit the sidewalk and broke. Everitt, the dog, ran right to me and sat down beside of me. He's well behaved. He won't run off or chase anybody or anything. He knows better. I thought Mike had just let him off the leash to follow me, but as I'm walking further to the apartments, Everitt at my side, I hear "God fucking damn it Amanda!!" And I literally had no idea anything was wrong. I turned around and saw Mike throwing what looked like the leash. I just looked at him and I asked what was his problem and he said I broke the leash.
See, this is where we have a disconnect. I couldn't have broken the leash because I wasn't holding it, nor was I wearing it. Mind you, this leash was already broken in two places. It was on it's last legs anyway. I asked him, how could I have broken it. He started yelling and throwing the pieces all over, littering, saying how if I hadn't have walked in a certain direction, the dog wouldn't have followed and broke the leash. Okay, now, I am well aware it wasn't ANYBODY's fault the leash broke. He think's I should accept the blame for it. For the sake of keeping the peace, I normally just take faullt in things that actually obviously aren't my fault. But this time, I just couldn't do it. We walked into the apartment and he looked at me and said for me to stay the fuck away from him for the rest of the night. OVER A SIX DOLLAR LEASH!!
Okay so then I am pissed. I told him I didn't appreciate him yelling at me, and I think that he might be taking something silly a bit too far. This makes things worse. I got the assault with Oh you never accept the blame for anything, and oh you're miss perfect you never yell.
So I got the laptop and he locked me out of OUR bedroom. I made myself a bed on the couch and I get online, read a bit to calm myself. He comes back out and with his anger from the previous issue, he starts another one. We fought and he yelled and screamed and told me he was leaving me until about two in the morning. I told him to go. I usually do tell him to go, and when I think he really is, I panic. But... this time I told him to go, opened the door for him, handed him his key and his coat and told him to get the fuck out. Well of course he wouldn't go. So I've been up all night crying until I've made myself sick. My eyes are swollen, my nose aches, my sinuses feel like they're ready to pop. I'm shakey, jittery, and sick to my stomach. \
I need an outside opinion. Was I at fault? Is it wrong of me to think that maybe we aren't right for one another? We've been living together for a year and a month now. He gets angry over the smallest things. If I leave a shoe out of place, he pitches a fit, meanwhile his shoes are scattered everywhere. He's lazy, he won't work.... Guys... I need help. I can't keep this up. I'm losing grip of the whole world.
Aside from all of that, I've been writing more and more lately. I have about fifteen WIP's. Several of them are Left 4 Dead 2, Nick/Ellis of course, and the others....
Okay this deserves a bit of an explanation.
I have recently gotten myself addicted to the Fox show, Prison Break. Anyone familiar? Well, of course there are two gorgeous brothers, Michael Scofield played by the ridiculiously pretty Wentworth Miller, and Lincoln Burrows, played by the gorgeous wearer of the butt hugging jeans, Dominic Purcell. If you don't know of the show, and you love a GOOD suspence/thriller, check it out. All four seasons are available on Netflix. If you're not familiar, at least go look at Wentworth Miller. He's a very... very pretty piece of work. He's recently come out of the closet, and is currently dating Luke McFarlane. They do make a beautiful couple.
Long story short, brothercest abounds.
Mike and I have agreed over the last few days we are ready to give away a few animals. We have cats. Lots of cats. We keep taking in strays with the intention to give them away and we hadn't given very many away at all. If anyone is interested in making the trek to Cookeville TN or halfway even, and is willing to give a kitten a good home, I'm your woman. I will go ANYWHERE to get these cats good homes. I literally do mean anywhere. I want them to be in good homes.
Mike is getting ready for work now. I'm off today and tomorrow, thank God. I don't know what to do with myself today guys. I feel awful, and I guess I just need a friend to talk to. Call me, IM me, anything, I just feel blah.