100 Sentences about Lance Corporal Ned Coates
Ned takes great pride in always having been a good watchman. When he was five years old, Ned was bitten by a horse, and he's always been slightly scared of them. In the right pocket of his uniform, find a pair of wire framed spectacles, in a case. Never wanted to be anything other than a Watchman, not ever1. Let you in on a secret: wasn't ever big on the real John Keel, either. All of that stuff with the lilacs and the Glorious 25th would sort of embarass Ned. He wouldn't mind that nobody (except people who were there, were you there?) would have the faintest idea of who he was. Pseudopolis isn't all that it's cracked up to be. Ned has never been in love (except with a cause, and who knows if that counts?). One eye is slightly more long-sighted than the other2.
At the moment of his death (which was not the least bit strange or unusual), Ned could have sworn that he heard the sound of dice being rolled. The truncheon was a present. There is a tattoo of AMNW 322 on Ned's left shoulderblade in small black letters. Left boot goes on before right, always. The password, for reference and for what it's worth, was "new dawn". Half of everything he made in the Watch goes back to his mother and father in Pseudopolis. Ned knows the Watch Oath by heart3. All that Ned left behind him in the Watch Barracks was a shelf of books, a set of civie clothes and a spare pair of boots (cardboard sole, hole in the right heel). He knew exactly what he was doing. There was nothing about Carcer worth being scared of.
If he'd known about it, Ned would have been glad that he wasn't with Sam and Keel that night they burnt the headquarters down. When he was seventeen, Ned lost his virginity to the prettiest seamstress in Pseudopolis. Ned never gave the game away because he was waiting to see what Keel would do next4. There is nobody, but nobody, worse at poker than Ned. His full name is Edward Coates. Five brothers, two sisters, youngest out of any of them. The real John Keel made Ned bleed...twice. In school, Ned got beatings for being left-handed5. His death-wound was a single blow to the side of his neck between his helmet and his chain-mail. Ned believed.
At the time of his death, the contents of Ned's pockets were as follows: his spectacles, a notebook, a pencil, a pouch of tobacco, three separate packets of black rolling papers and a letter which he never had the time to read6. If he had to (and you never know), Ned could walk his beat with his eyes closed. He can't remember her name, but sometimes he dreams of her face. They just wanted for things to be better. Ned hopes that Keel is happy, wherever he is. Moving to a place like Ankh Morpork at is terrifying, even when you're in your twenties and trained under John Keel. When he can't sleep, Ned sits at the table in the Watch-house kitchen and he rolls cigarettes which he doesn't smoke. Ned wasn't afraid of dying7. The night when Keel went out on the Hurry Up, Ned was entirely taking the piss. He hopes that whoever was pretending to be Keel is happy too.
The worst beating that Ned ever took left him with a slight limp that he still gets in cold weather8. Ned can count the times that he's had sex that he didn't pay for on the fingers on one hand. Still isn't entirely sure what side he was on. What his mother told him was that, ultimately, the only person you dissapoint is yourself. It was the watch or the Klatchian Foreign Legion. Never knew, but always suspected that death was going to hurt more. While Ned is appalling at card games, he is a fairly brilliant gambler. Ned has never been so sure of anything in his life. Either he fell down the stairs when he was three years old, or one of his sisters pushed him. It is a wonder that Ned has a tooth in his head, he is so fond of sugar in his tea.
Ned Coates cannot swim. If he'd been at the Unmentionable's Headquarters that night, Ned might have killed someone and Keel wouldn't have been able to do a damn thing to stop him. It isn't so much a temper as sometimes Ned feels himself get cold. When that candlestick turned out not to be in his locker, it was quite the shock. Unlike many young men in his situation, Ned is not at all idealistic. If Keel had told Ned that he was from pre-history, or not even from the Disc at all, Ned might just have believed him. Never a man of faith. It didn't last very long but, for a moment, it was beautiful. Could totally have beaten Keel that day, if he hadn't cheated9. Ned would quite like to ask The Lady why she never cared for him at all.
Even if you asked him to tell you, Ned couldn't remember the last time that he cried. Ned slips into his accent when he's unbalanced by something. Two broken fingers left lumpy joints. The number of lies that he told that day: 1. Carrots make him throw up...it isn't an allergy, he just doesn't like them. If anybody ever calls Ned "sunshine" again, he's going to punch them. Unlike a lot of watchmen, Ned can read without moving his lips. In adoring one of his sisters, Ned always forgot about the other. It just isn't fair how allergic Ned is to most furry animals. The first time Ned saw a dead body, he was five years old.
A letter a week gets posted to a nephew in Pseudopolis. He will be pretty sure that the island is the after-life. Never a good man, never a man of faith, and he never really believed in the gods, either. Around his neck, on a piece of leather, Ned has the shilling on which he took the oath. Days off are a man's own business. The People's Republic of Treacle Mine Road was one of those bloody stupid things that was absolutely beautiful, just for a minute. He'd have been able to put people out of their misery too. The bastards do always end up on top...look at John Keel. When Keel hit Vimesy to put him out of it, Ned found that he liked him after all. Never could stand by and watch someone being hard done to.
It takes a long time for Ned to relax into being touched10. Might never go home again. Ned is a truly terrible dancer. There are really much bigger bastards than Ned Coates in the world. Now that the Revolution is over and lost to him, Ned would really like to not believe in anything for a while. If he plants a sprig of lilac, buries it (but not too deep) will a tree grow there? The scar on Ned's jaw is not from shaving, no matter what he says. For a moment, there, Ned saw what the city could have been like, and he's sure that she was smiling. Believing in anything at all is really hard work. All the little angels really do rise up.
[1] well, once, but "fire-engine" isn't an appropriate ambition for a five year old.
[2] not that he'd admit it.
[3] I comma square breakest recruit's name square bracket comma do solemnly swear by square bracket recruit's deity of choice square bracket to uphold the laws and ordinances of the city of Ankh-Morpork comma serve the public trust comma and defend the subjects of his stroke her Majesty bracket name of regining monarch bracket without fear comma favour comma or thought of personal safety semi-colon to pursue evildoers and protect the innocent comma laying down my life if necessary in the cause of sad duty comma so help me bracket aforementioned deity bracket full stop Gods Save the King stroke Queen bracket delete whichever is inappropriate bracket full stop.
[4] He wasn't dissapointed.
[5] It is a mark of how stubborn he is that he is still left handed.
[6] From his Nephew, Glorious Coates. Yes. Glorious...Wanna make something of it?
[7] Like everyone else, it hadn't really occured to him that he would until it actually happened.
[8] He can also predict rain via an old crack in his left ankle.
[9] bastard.
[10] So long, in fact that it hasn't actually happened yet, not once in twenty seven years.