Jate fanfic: Death, life and rebirth
Author: Polly
Characters: Jate
Rating: T
Summary: Kate thinks over her life after leaving the island
PS: English is not my first language
Death. It’s all I could think about. Despair took me and disturbed me; I walked through the dawn, inside the house and I couldn’t sleep. I just fell asleep when I thought that I would see him again. Yes, maybe he is alive - I thought. Jack had survived before. He had appendicitis and went through a precarious surgery; he was bleeding with the infection. After a huge sacrifice, we left the crazy island, Jack was safe.
Years later, when he was trying to convince me to go back there, he was broken, drunk, addicted to his pills and about to suicide. However, once more, he got over. When we were back, we travelled back in time; we survived a bomb…Why wouldn’t he be alive now?
With hope, I waited for Jack; I had expectations of seeing Jack coming back to me. I looked at the door, I thought that he would arrive, that he would watch me in a serious manner and then he would put a shy smile upon his face. Jack would embrace me and give me a sweet kiss, like a man in love who comes home every day and greets his wife tenderly.
But the next day came and there was the death again, it was surrounding me. And every time that I remembered Jack, the agonizing and latent pain appeared. The hours passed slowly. I thought that I would suffer for the rest of my life. I thought I would never get over.
Life. In my arms, I get you. You sleep. I touch your body softly with my hands. Your rhythm is careful; in silence, I watch over your sleep. I slide my fingers through your hair. You awake, opening your little greenish eyes. I admire the color, the nuance. You look at me quiet and then you shut your eyes again, sleepy. Your expression is calm, so soothed that it makes me wonder if you are smiling even when you are sleeping.
I take your hand carefully. I touch your fingers. I watch your features. I’m impressed with my vision. You both are very resembling physically!
The memories hurt me. I’m sure that I will cry. Before this, I put you on the cradle. I cover and warm you. I want to protect you, despite my depression. I feel happiness and sadness at the same time. When I look at you, I find life. By the time I knew I was pregnant, a power grew up from the inside, a strength that I never imagine I had.
Your dad was dead. I was dead and emotionally devastated. Then a miracle happened: you, my son. It was a rebirth. To feel you growing in my womb makes me reawaken and makes me recover a life that I thought I had lost forever.
I know that Jack still remains, despite my memories of him become distant day after day, even if I try so hard to keep them untouchable. I can recognize his face reflected on you. Two years have been gone since we had said goodbye. Although he is dead, he still lives and grows up fast, right in front of me. I find him over and over as I watch you with your attitude. I was born again, Jack was born again too, and we both were born again together, mixed in someone new, our son.
I keep looking at you. Although the pain still hurts my heart, I’m your mother. You’re my challenge, my reason to live and to let go.
I’m afraid; I wish Jack was here, I miss him so much! He would see you growing up; he would tell you bedtime stories like he always did to your cousin Aaron. Or he would take you to the park; he also would teach you how to be an honor boy.
Even though he is not here with us, I believe that you will inherit his bravery, courage and generosity somehow. I feel it. Despite your age, you already give me signs. You comfort me, you’re sweet, you make me feel the most important person in the world and you can convince me only with a look, exactly as your father did.
Now the hours go by. But I don’t feel that weight. When I realize I will fall, I become attached to you. Your dad is gone, but before this, he let a piece of him in me. And when sadness takes me and makes me want to quit this life, I turn to my dear baby, I take him and kiss his cheek, his rosy and soft skin; I enjoy every minute completely. And then, I keep on living.
THE END
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