Attempt to Start Discussion

[leora]

I admit it, this community is often quite dull. I keep thinking, I should post something interesting here, and then I think about my relationships and nothing that anyone who doesn't know me would want to hear or discuss comes to mind. I have amusing little relationship moments sometimes, but then I think, would that really be amusing to others

Comments

[leora]

Probably the most important lesson I learned applies to most human interaction. It was to speak up and mention when something annoys me a little, rather than thinking, oh it's no big deal and I'll be nice and not bother the person about it. Because then the issue tends to grow or after years it simply wears me down, and then there is a risk when I do mention it that I will be angry about it. Then the person I mention it to is quite reasonably upset with me for being angry about something I never even mentioned was a problem. It turns out it isn't nice or supportive to let someone annoy or hurt you without their knowledge, and I now view this as actually a fundamental betrayal of the person I am doing it to (unless we don't have a close relationship) and would be very upset with someone who did it to me (although would try to give them a chance to learn that this is a problem, since that's only fair and is often done out of ignorance

[drbunsen]

I think these are actually quite profound and subtle points, and ones that many, many people don't get. So, go you!

[leora]

Thank you. :) They certainly have been useful. But I now know they are not at all original. I've seen many other people talk about them. But I do think they are good lessons.

Now I need to work on remembering how hard it is to know various things before you experience them for yourself and being sympathetic to younger people who make the same mistakes I made. It's hard to suppress the little part of my brain that says, Well, you figured this out so now everyone should get it right! Even that little kid who has no life experience and you've never discussed this with.

Even though I know others figured it out before I was ever making my own mistakes.

[leora]

That is good advice. It was in college that I discovered just how powerful asking for things was. It turned out, lots of people are glad to give all sorts of things that one might expect to be hard to get. For example, I learned tons of fascinating things about human nature and the variety of relationships and sexual response just by telling people that I was curious about it and if they felt comfortable would like to hear about what they had to say. I was raised in an environment where one simply did not discuss sex, but a lot of the people I know weren't, and were a lot more comfortable with it.

I'd have missed out on a lot of positive experiences (and probably have at other times) by not asking for things I wanted.

[autumnalmonk]

"It is a noble thing to disappoint another in order to be true to yourself."

This was a very hard lesson for me to learn, but the truth of it has gotten me through some very difficult situations and led me to things far better than I could have imagined.

[drbunsen]

QFT

[tisiphone]

Don't be afraid to apologize when you're wrong. Don't be afraid to apologize when you're not wrong, either.

[donnaidh_sidhe]

My first impulses are almost always, if not always, the courses of action that would lead to less heartbreak for me in the long, or even not-so-long, run. My greatest heartbreaks and traumas have come from letting other people persuade me into distrusting myself.