Advice Please?

[infiniteimp]

Many thanks to the people who provided feedback on my thoughts on changing relationship frameworks. I come to you now in a state of high agitation and need perspective, advice and support.

My sweetie has been talking with his spouse about him and I having a relationship. I'm given to understand that she is fine with the whole concept, yet has placed

Comments

[dom_ino]

This is a pretty terribly situation under which to try to maintain a relationship. You're basically a dirty little secret; nobody knows, and it's don't-ask-don't-tell; you're more mistress than actual relationship material.

I'd run away and let them figure out their real intentions before you approach it again.

[cerulean_me]

This.

I know that when you're just so in love all you want is to be with the other person... it can seem like these are small requests...but when someone's wife wants you to be her husband's dirty little secret she's basically saying that you, and your relationship isn't respectable.

[infiniteimp]

Yes I'm inclined to agree. My sweetie's response is he needs to talk to his wife more about his needs and my needs but I'm not sure where its going. The reason for my post was to help get some words together that I can verbalise to him so he can help his wife understand a little better. She's not a demon, but I do think she's (perhaps unintentionally) attempting to make me a mistress rather than a partner. I don't think she gets what our concept of poly actually is. I know my sweetie gave her some papers to read which helped he and I come to our conclusions but I also know she hasn't read them yet. Maybe once she has read she will understand a little better but for now I'm just hanging in the wind... Its frustrating as hell.

[greenfizzpops]

No, its not you. For me, don't ask don't tell, would be a deal breaker. Essentially, you'd have all the negatives of cheating and none of the benefits of poly. Why settle for that?

[infiniteimp]

*nod* I've been toying with the deal breaker thing as well. I don't want to do it because I love my sweetie but I don't know if I can be treated like this and be happy. Thanks for your feedback :)

[missakins]

The 'rules' she has set forth break yours. Unless this impass can be surmounted you need to back away.

[infiniteimp]

Thanks for your feedback. I've been feeling this way but wasn't sure if I'd lost my sense of perspective. I'm trying hard to not second guess myself but because this is so new to me... *shrug* I guess I'm not doing a good job of it.

[leora]

There are people who like to run relationships like this. They're okay with their partner having some extra things on the side, but they want it to be a very minor thing that they never have to think about or be affected by. I hate to get into a debate about what should and shouldn't be called polyamory, because it really doesn't matter what you call it and it definitely is a flavor of non-monogamy, but it certainly isn't what most people think of as polyamory

[infiniteimp]

Thanks for the advice.

(this is also when you discuss STI safety rules)

See this has been a big part of my conversations with my husband and its also something that I want to talk extensively about with my sweetie and his wife. I'm struggling to understand how anyone could be so blase about something so important. :/

I think I'll suggest to him that he attempts to negotiate a 'just one off' meeting so we can clear the air a bit. It might be the end of her willingness to allow this to move forward but I can't see another way. I'm so new to this that I have no basis for comparison (hence why I'm loving this com) and I just don't know how it would end up if I went ahead as it is.

[leora]

People vary a lot in what they want and what they are willing to risk. Some people do things that I have trouble imagining how they could want to live that way, but that's their choice. Even my parents have made choices that I find really odd. They are from an older generation, so their attitude toward children was pretty much, "they'll happen when they'll happen". Having grown up with an attitude of pregnancy prevention unless you want a child, I find that really disturbing, even though I wouldn't exist if not for that attitude

[ashbet]

There are people who successfully negotiate DADT relationships (I was in one, many years ago -- I met my partner's partner once, I didn't go to their house unless she was out of town, and we were together for two-and-a-half years-- and the reason the relationship ended had to do with unrelated outside factors

[infiniteimp]

I have been so wrapped up in my disappointment I hadn't really considered the blessings that I have. Thanks for that. :)

I'll see how it goes.