I've actually been wondering if looking specifically for a poly friendly counsellor is going to be too hard and maybe I should start looking for counsellors who are approachable regarding other points of relationship differentiation. Obviously being amenable to one concept doesn't automatically mean amenability to the other, but it might be a start
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Thanks for your advice and feedback. Regarding your question about when I wanted to explore poly. Yes I must admit it was only because I fell in love with this other person that I wanted to explore. But yes it could be seen as a case of 'hotpants' (love that term) and you're probably right about him being uncomfortable because of it.
Your other question relates to whether or not I would end my existing relationship to be involved with this other man. The answer to that is complicated, but the quick and dirty answer is that I would not leave my husband for this new man. I don't want to not have a relationship with this new man, but I couldn't do it at the expense of my marriage.
So yes, I think you've hit the nail on the head when you say that we need to work on our relationship before we look further down the poly track.
Thanks for the book suggestion. I hate that I get paid monthly, but I'll definitely be ordering it next week. :)
The answer to that is complicated, but the quick and dirty answer is that I would not leave my husband for this new man. I don't want to not have a relationship with this new man, but I couldn't do it at the expense of my marriage.I'm even more convinced that you need to drop the whole poly thing for a while. If the question is, "are you happy in your relationship and could you see yourself leaving your husband. Period. And the answer is complicated, you need to figure that out first before you add someone else to your life
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I've been meaning to reply for ages but life got in the way. :)
We have definitely dropped the poly thing while we sort this issue out. I recognise that the poly thing may not get picked up again ever. I hope we can but... *shrug* we can only do what we can do. Hence the request for ideas on counsellors. I'd rather see a counsellor who's not actively hostile towards the concept.
Re your last comment - I'm posting about one tenth of conversations and sometimes things are getting lost in my translation. I'm sorry I'm being confusing.
What jumps out at me here is the bit about your husband hitting the veto button: had you two previously agreed that vetoes could be arbitrary, or was the agreement "if you have a problem with things, tell me and we'll talk it over"? If the former, I gather part of the point of that shape of agreement is that the person who is asking someone to stop what they're doing doesn't have to give a reason beyond "it makes me uncomfortable." (Conversely, that's why some people won't make that sort of agreement.) But if he can't or won't tell you why, of course you're uncomfortable.
The key question is, what does your agreement say happens after a veto?
This has been the major source of heartache for me. My interpretation of our 'veto with discussion' rule means that we discuss what is making my husband unhappy and identification of possible avenues to remedy that. Ultimately if there are no remedies aside from cessation of my relationship with my secondary, then so be it. But the key for me was that there would be discussion and (if possible) compromise on both parts.
His idea of 'veto with discussion' appears (at least to me right now when I'm admittedly not as objective as I normally would be) means that he gets the right to put a stop to everything, with discussion only surrounding justification of veto.
Its funny. Three months ago if asked if my relationship was very strong and healthy, my answer would have been a resounding 'yes'. It turns out that raising the possibility of poly has raised a whole lot of issues that I didn't realise we had, or that I didn't realise the extent of.
Was your wanting to open up your relationship the catalyst,bringing these issues to the surface or did you find yourself becoming attached to another man in response to something that was fundamentally missing from your relationship?
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Your other question relates to whether or not I would end my existing relationship to be involved with this other man. The answer to that is complicated, but the quick and dirty answer is that I would not leave my husband for this new man. I don't want to not have a relationship with this new man, but I couldn't do it at the expense of my marriage.
So yes, I think you've hit the nail on the head when you say that we need to work on our relationship before we look further down the poly track.
Thanks for the book suggestion. I hate that I get paid monthly, but I'll definitely be ordering it next week. :)
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We have definitely dropped the poly thing while we sort this issue out. I recognise that the poly thing may not get picked up again ever. I hope we can but... *shrug* we can only do what we can do. Hence the request for ideas on counsellors. I'd rather see a counsellor who's not actively hostile towards the concept.
Re your last comment - I'm posting about one tenth of conversations and sometimes things are getting lost in my translation. I'm sorry I'm being confusing.
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The key question is, what does your agreement say happens after a veto?
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His idea of 'veto with discussion' appears (at least to me right now when I'm admittedly not as objective as I normally would be) means that he gets the right to put a stop to everything, with discussion only surrounding justification of veto.
Its funny. Three months ago if asked if my relationship was very strong and healthy, my answer would have been a resounding 'yes'. It turns out that raising the possibility of poly has raised a whole lot of issues that I didn't realise we had, or that I didn't realise the extent of.
We have a long way to go.
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