Pirate fic

[poornapoleon]

So, I had lots of pirate jokes. Lots and lots of them. So I've written a very long and very silly pirate fic. It is partly a birthday fic for badgermonkey, if she ever has enough patience to read it ...

In the Rigging



"The crew of the Black Pearl, the most successful pirates in the Caribbean. And in all the ships and towns they robbed, they never shot anyone, which made our latter-day Robin Hoods very popular - with everyone but the shipping lines and the councils ..."

SCENE THE FIRST: It is Jack and Elizabeth's wedding night ...

ELIZABETH: Oh no you don't! This fandom is stuffed to the gills with wedding night fics, and I for one am sick to death of them - not least because I never seem to get a shag out of any of these stories. So you'll have to come up with something more original.

ALL RIGHT, HOW ABOUT THIS? SCENE THE FIRST: Captain Jack Sparrow stands on the poop deck of The Black Pearl, watching his crew and trying not to step in the poop. They are all there: Gibbs, Anamaria, Cotton, Will, Elizabeth ...

JACK SPARROW: That's Captain Jack Sparrow, writer!

SORRY, CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: Will? Elizabeth? What are you doing here?

ELIZABETH: I don't think you need worry about that too much.

WILL: You see, everyone knows that the one bit about Pirates that's wrong is we don't join you at the end, instead of having boring lives as respectable citizens.

ELIZABETH: And who wants to walk around Port Royal in a corset, when I can wear tight leather trousers and slap my thighs a lot!?

WILL: So here we are!

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: I see. Erm, Lizzie, I don't suppose you'd be willing to wear a corset from time to time. On, like, special occasions ... it's not for me, it's for the boys ...

ELIZABETH: Well, I don't know about that, but my clothes do have a tendency to fall off at the most inconvenient moments.

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: That'll do just fine.

MR COTTON'S PARROT: I believe it is a major contribution to road safety.

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: What?

MR COTTON'S PARROT: Get your trousers on, you're nicked!

GIBBS: It's Mr Cotton's Parrot!

(starts to sing)
When Mr Cotton's Parrot says "hello" -

MR COTTON'S PARROT: Hello!

GIBBS (still singing): A geezer likes to get one on the go -

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW (draws pistol): That's quite enough of that! There'll be no singing on my ship! We are not repeat not a musical!

GIBBS: Very good sir, understood sir.

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: As for you, parrot ...

MR COTTON'S PARROT: Two pints of lager and a packet of crisps?

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: Try not to leave so much poop on the deck.

A VOICE FROM THE CROW'S NEST: Tortuga dead ahead!

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: Aha! First mate!

FIRST MATE: Yes, mate?

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: Make ready to enter Tortuga, mate.

FIRST MATE: Right, mate. Second mate!

SECOND MATE: Yes, mate?

FIRST MATE: Tell the mates we're going into Tortuga, mate.

SECOND MATE: Gotcha, mate. Mates!

MATES: Yes, mate?

SECOND MATE: Going into Tortuga, mates!

MATES: Right-o, mate!

ELIZABETH: Jack, I seem to have ripped my shirt open on this protruding bit of metal ...

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: Not now dear ...

SCENE THE SECOND: Captain Jack Sparrow, Will and Elizabeth walk through the fetid streets of Tortuga. Elizabeth seems to be having difficulty with the buttons of her shirt. Will doesn't notice. Everyone else does. A steel band plays 'Going to Barbados'.

CAPTAIN JACK - LOOK, DO I HAVE TO DO THIS IN FULL EVERY TIME?: Yes, you do.

ALL RIGHT THEN, CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: I expect you're wondering why we've come here.

WILL: Not really. I'm a romantic lead. 'Dim' is my middle name.

ELIZABETH: You told me it was 'Icantina'!

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: Never mind, step through this door and all will be explained. Sort of.

(They all step through the door into a large inn.)

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: Arr, here they all are. I sent out a call for the worst scum to sail the Seven Seas, and here they be. Barbary pirates, Moorish buccaneers, Cantonese bandits ... orcs ... Cybermen ... Young Conservatives ... here, what be your name?

SMARMY GIT: Simon Cowell.

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: Ah, you may be too cruel even for us. What about you, young lads? You look like mere children. Surely you're not old enough to be in a rough place like this? Say, do you like stories about gladiators?

FIRST SMALL PERSON: Oh, no, we're not children, we're ho-ow! Why did you hit me, MS?

SECOND SMALL PERSON: Pay no attention to my idiot companion. We're both fully grown. We are this height because - because tobacco stunted our growth.

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: And what be your names?

SECOND SMALL PERSON: Oh, I be - er, am, Monkeyslag, and this is my friend Pipsqueak.

PIPSQUEAK: Together we are Pipsqueak and Monkeyslag! (And never, no matter how much my Germano-Mancunian associate may wish it, Monkeyslag and Pipsqueak.)

WILL: You know, you look very familiar. Where do you come from?

MONKEYSLAG: Oh you wouldn't know it. It's a quasi-mediaeval Anglocentric patriarchy.

PIPSQUEAK: And we want to become pirates! And serve with you on the Black Pig.

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: That's Black Pearl.

PIPSQUEAK: Sorry. But can we still be pirates please can we be pirates wanna be pirates wanna be pirates please please pretty pirate please please please can we pirates?

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: Well, you certainly have enthusiasm. I think you'll make perfect pirate crewmen.

WILL: You do? But there's no logical reason. You don't know who they are, you don't know if you can trust them ...

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: That's very true, but I'm not sure what your point is.

ELIZABETH: Will -?

WILL: Not now, dear, I'm busy.

ELIZABETH: It's just the Cyberman's pulled my shirt off and now the orcs are demanding my underwear.

WILL: Don't worry, I'll get you some new stuff.

ELIZABETH: Very well, dear.

WILL: I think what I'm trying to say, Jack, is "Why's the rum gone?"

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: Ah, when you put it like that, I do see what you're on about ... but I'm still taking them on. It seems dramatically right.

WILL: Fair enough.

SCENE THE THIRD: Royal Navy headquarters, Port Royal.

NORRNGTON: That's Commodore Norrington.

OH, DON'T YOU BLOODY START: Sorry.

THAT'S BETTER. RIGHT, NORRINGTON: And that concludes my report, Governor Swann.

GOVERNOR SWANN: So there's no sign of my daughter and her husband?

NORRINGTON: Wait a minute, he gets to be "Governor Swann", but I have to put up with plain "Norrington"?

YES - HE'S A DISTINGUISHED STAGE ACTOR AND YOU'RE JUST A PRETTY-LOOKING BLOCK OF WOOD. NOW STOP WHINGING AND SAY YOUR LINE: Yes, we can find no trace of them. We fear they may have joined the pirates.

GOVERNOR SWANN: Yes, well, perhaps, sometimes, being a pirate is the only noble thing to do. Perhaps to live outside the law you must be honest. Perhaps property is theft. Perhaps black is white. Perhaps I'm a teapot.

NORRINGTON: Look, what are you talking about? You said exactly the same when Jack Sparrow escaped, and it didn't make any sense then.

GOVERNOR SWANN: Captain Jack Sparrow, surely?

NORRINGTON: Why does everyone around here get their title except me? Ah, sorry Governor, got a bit carried away there. Rest assured that we of the Royal Navy will do all in our power to recover your daughter and end the scourge of piracy once and for all.

GOVERNOR SWANN: Very well. I shall leave you with your subordinates. (Exits.)

NORRINGTON: Right, Captain Patrick, Lieutenant Geoffrey. It's up to us to devise a strategy to completely clear pirates out of the Caribbean.

(Pause.)

Well?

PATRICK: Oh right, you were serious. I thought you were just trying to blow the old scrote off.

NORRINGTON: "Blow the old scrote off"? That's the Governor of Port Royal you're talking about!

PATRICK: That's right, the old scrote.

GEOFFREY: Do you want to know what I think?

NORRINGTON: I fear not, but go on anyway.

GEOFFREY: I think corsets are the best thing ever! I mean, it's the way they give prominence to the breasts. It's like they're saying, "Here we are, boys, come and get us!"

NORRINGTON: Yes, Lieutenant. I don't think I need to hear any more of your private thoughts, thank you very much.

GEOFFREY: But there's so much more to say -

NORRINGTON: That's enough!

PATRICK: On the subject of the fairer sex, how's your own love life getting on, sir? I gather, after your fiasco with Miss Elizabeth, you'd been courting the Lady Susan.

NORRINGTON: Yes. Unfortunately, that's hit a little snag recently. She found one of my books.

PATRICK: Why's that a problem, sir?

NORRINGTON: One of my private books, Captain.

PATRICK: Ah.

GEOFFREY: Which one? Not -?

NORRINGTON: Yes, I'm afraid so. Inferno.

SCENE THE FOURTH: The Black Pearl is once again at sea.

PIPSQUEAK: Ah, Dom, what a delight this is. A life on the ocean wave. Nothing to disturb us, nothing but sea, sun and salt water all around. Dom? Dom?

(Monkeyslag stops leaning over the side of the ship. There are vomit stains on his shirt.)

PIPSQUEAK: Are you all right, Golden Wonder?

MONKEYSLAG: Oh yes, I think I've completely cleared out my stomach now.

PIPSQUEAK: Well, you know that a course of pirates is very good for your health. That's why I was so keen to get us on the Blue Nile.

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW (off): That's Black Pearl!

MONKEYSLAG: Pip, what are you talking about? "A course in pirates is good for our health"? Where do you get that idea from?

PIPSQUEAK: It says so in this leaflet.

MONKEYSLAG: Pip, this is a leaflet for a Pilates course.

PIPSQUEAK: Really? I could have sworn the bloke who gave it to me said "pirates". Chinese fellow, by the name of Hou Hung.

MONKEYSLAG: Hou Hung is a Chinaman?

PIPSQUEAK: I don't know, I didn't find out. He seemed to have quite a package, though.

MONKEYSLAG: Pip, you've signed us up to ten years on the high seas because of a speech impediment!

PIPSQUEAK: MS, we're here now, on the Red Rum -

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW (off): Black Pearl!

PIPSQUEAK: So let's make the best of it. I mean, how much worse can it get?

GIBBS: Right, you two. Time to clean the poop deck. Captain Sparrow, are you free?

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: I'm free!

CROW'S NEST: Ship ahoy!

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: Where?

CROW'S NEST: There, on the stair!

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: Where on the stair?

CROW'S NEST: Right there!

PIPSQUEAK AND MONKEYSLAG (singing): A little mouse with clogs on -

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: You two can stop that right now!

ELIZABETH: Is there some excitement? I came straight away!

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: Way I heard it, that's more Will's problem.

ELIZABETH: No, I mean I came up here, onto the deck, as soon as I could.

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: Ah, I see. And that would explain why you're only wearing a towel, would it?

ELIZABETH: I was in the bath with Anamaria.

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: With -? Well, if I were you, I'd be putting some clothes on. If there's going to be some hot chick beating up on rent-a-thug action, ye'd best be dressed appropriately.

ELIZABETH: Very good point! I'll get my shiny-bottomed trousers.

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: Right, Mr Gibbs, what manner of ship be this?

GIBBS (gets out telescope): It am a strange White Ship, with a black sail.

PIPSQUEAK: Well, they're in for a big surprise if they think they can tackle the Black & White Minstrel Show.

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: That's - oh, I give up.

GIBBS: The sail has a design on it. A white tree, seven stars, and a crown.

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: I've never heard of such an emblem.

MONKEYSLAG: It seems strangely familiar to me.

GIBBS: Doesn't look to be much of a crew. Just a tall man who looks like he ain't washed since Noah's time, and three ladies clad in shimmering white.

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: Well, well, well. A pretty conundrum, me hearties. Do we blow that ship out of the water, or do we find out who they are and what they want? Any suggestions?

MR COTTON'S PARROT: You're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: Any ... other suggestions? Mr Gibbs?

GIBBS: I'm in agreement with the parrot.

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: Right. The it seems it's up to me to make any actual decisions. Ahoy, stranger! State your name and business.

THE (ST)RANGER: I am Gornara, son of Thornara, a (st)ranger and an easily penetrated pseudonym. I am travelling across the world in search of my destiny, even though I have yet to decide whether to accept it or nay.

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: A strange business that be. And why only three women for your crew? The pirate code says it be unlucky to have a woman on the ship.

THE (ST)RANGER: Yet I see two women in your crew. Do you defy your own code?

GIBBS: Well, the Code ain't so much rules as guidelines.

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: Quiet, Mr Gibbs. There are some, Mr Gornara, who would say that it was very unlucky for the Black Pearl to have these women aboard.

GIBBS : Well, now, there I'd have to disagree with you, Cap'n, seeing as how many of the crew have got lucky since they joined.

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: And some might say that three women are even more unlucky.

GIBBS : Well, what with him being the only man on board, and them being three very attractive young ladies, once again I have to voice an alternative view.

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: Shut up, Gibbs!

THE (ST)RANGER: They are my guardian angels. When in dangerous shoals, they strip naked, slip into the water, and lead the ship through.

ELIZABETH: I can do that! Just let me get my shirt off -

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: Not now!

THE (ST)RANGER: You, boy!

WILL: Who, me?

THE (ST)RANGER: Yes. You look strangely familiar.

WILL: Can't think why. But they do say there are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamed of in your philosophy.

THE (ST)RANGER: They do?

WILL: Yes, it's an old Elvish saying. Oh bugger, what a giveaway.

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: Stranger, there's one last thing I'd like to know?

THE (ST)RANGER: Name it.

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: Just exactly what sort of an accent is that?

THE (ST)RANGER: Oh, like you've got room to talk, Mr Mel-Gibson-plays-Sid-Vicious -

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: That's Captain -

THE (ST)RANGER: Pieces of eight! Pieces of eight! Do you want it? Do you want it, sir? Oh, suits you, sir.

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: All right, you've made your point. Anyway, at least I don't have Agent Smith as a father-in-law. And I've never done a Demi Moore movie.

THE (ST)RANGER: Oh, you bastard!

GIBBS: Gentlemen, would this not be a good moment to get back into character?

[FX: ENORMOUS EXPLOSION]

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: What the fuck was that?

GIBBS: It's the Royal Navy, they've found us!

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: Everyone man their positions! Master Bates, Seaman Stains, prepare to repel boarders!

PIPSQUEAK: Waaaah! I don't want to be a pirate any more!

ROYAL NAVAL CAPTAIN: Surrender or die, Sparrow!

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: That's Captain Sparrow! Gibbs, who is he?

GIBBS: Not sure, sir. If this was a Carry On movie, that'd be Peter Gilmore.

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: Onedin?

GIBBS: The very same.

ROYAL NAVAL CAPTAIN: I am Captain Jack Aubrey, father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife, captain to a murdered crew, owner to a murdered sheepdog, gardener to a murdered cabbage patch, and I will have my tea! Do not underestimate me just because I look like David Beckham with the mother of all hangovers.

MONKEYSLAG: Well, you certainly don't look like the bloke in the books.

AUBREY: I heard that!

CROW'S NEST: Look to port, look to port!

ELIZABETH: What is it? It's ... why, it's a building. A tall building in the middle of the ocean. And it's under sail?

GIBBS: Aye, a legend of the Seven Seas and cod liver oil too. But I never thought I'd see it with my own eyes.

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: The Crimson Permanent Assurance.

WILL: Hey, where have the other ships gone?

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: The White Ship has gone on to its destiny, and Captain Aubrey's chasing the Crimson Permanent Assurance. Good luck to him.

GIBBS: Hey, has anyone seen them young lads, Pipsqueak and Monkeyslag?

ANAMARIA: They took a boat and joined the Royal Navy ship. I suppose their destiny lay there.

WILL: And what of us, Jack? Where does our destiny lie?

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: Well we've done jokes about near enough every pirate or nautical production ye can think of -

WILL: Except Hornblower.

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: Pretty Welshmen are a contradiction in terms, and that's before we explore the double entendres. I'll not go there.

WILL: Where, then?

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: I reckon, Florida. I fancy somewhere the writ of England don't run, leastways for a while.

WILL: Has the American Revolution happened yet? I can never quite work it out.

GIBBS: I wouldn't be asking questions like that if I were you, Master Will.

WILL: Anyway, isn't Florida Spanish about now?

GIBBS: Master Will!

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: I have me an idea to set up some sort of park for the amusement and entertainment of all, based upon the lives of us pirates.

WILL: Like that one with the monsters from before the Flood?

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: Aye, except when Antediluvian Gardens breaks down, the ride doesn't slit the gizzards of the people who've paid.

WILL: Well, I like the sound of all those beaches to sunbathe on. What do you think, Elizabeth? Elizabeth? Elizabeth, where are your trousers?

ELIZABETH: Erm, I lost them.

WILL: Elizabeth, is something wrong?

ELIZABETH: Oh, Will, the entire crew want to ravish me!

WILL: They do, do they? We'll soon see about that!

ELIZABETH: No Will, there's far too many of them!

WILL: I don't care. They shall have to go through me to get to you.

ELIZABETH: Bollocks. You're not having any of that action before I get it! (She lays him out with a single punch.) Okay lads, here I come, ready or not!

(Will slowly comes to.)

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: How are ye feeling, lad?

WILL: Strange. I can see pink elephants around me.

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: Aye. It's a special effect we borrowed off Dumbo.

WILL: Elizabeth?

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: She's gone down below, lad. In more ways than one, I'll warrant.

WILL: I don't know what to do.

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: Well, since we've both got a bit of free time, fancy a shag?

WILL: Oh, go on then.

MR COTTON'S PARROT: There's nowt so queer as folk.

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: My thoughts exactly, Mr Cotton's Parrot, my thoughts exactly.

GIBBS: Well, I do think that be a cue for another song. All together now -

It was on the good ship Venus
By Christ you should have seen us ...

AND SO WE LEAVE THE CREW OF THE BLACK SPOT -

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: That's Black Pearl!

- BLACK PEARL (SORRY) AS THE CREW SINK INTO A HAZE OF CARNAL ECSTASY, SILK SHIRTS RIPPED ASIDE, SHAPELY THIGHS STROKED, SWEAT GLISTENING OFF GYRATING BUTTOCKS ... ACTUALLY, CAN'T WE STAY FOR A BIT LONGER? JUST A LITTLE BIT? OH, GO ON. WHY NOT? PLEASE? PRETTY PIRATE PLEASE?

EPILOGUE:

"Ah, there you are, Geoffrey."

"Sorry, who are you?"

"Mr Wainthropp, of course."

"Ah, I think you might have the wrong Geoffrey."

"Oh never mind lad. I'm never one to pass up an opportunity. Fancy a bit of Yorkshire?"

(Pipsqueak and Monkeyslag will return for the extended Two Towers. Ho yes.}