As You Wish

[poppetawoppet]

As You Wish
Rating: G
Pairing: Kradam, with bonus Scorned! Matt and a special appearance by Dunkleman. Yes: Dunkleman.
Summary: This is a Princess Bride/American Idol AU fic, written entirely for lulz. Also I may make a couple book references (go read it It is HILARIOUS) Oh and I'm mean to Danny, but its mostly cause of his character.
Warning: I'm sure some of you will disagree with my casting of characters. However this is all in fun, hope it makes you laugh, since my last fic was so depressing and my next one (still editing) is kind of heavy too.

Allison had been sick for the last two days, moping and playing on her DS because she did not want to do schoolwork. Her mom came in, feeling her forehead and sighing.

"Your Aunt Lil is here.”

“Awww, Mom, can’t you tell her I’m sick?”

“Why do you think she’s here? Come on, humor her, she has no children of her own you know.”

“I guess I could see her for a little while.”

Allison sighed, sitting up. Aunt Lil wasn’t so bad, because she always brought cool presents.

“There’s my boo!"

Lil enveloped her, and Alli couldn’t help but notice the slim package in her hand

“Here, I brought you something"

Alli grinned, tearing at the package. “A book?Is this one of your projects?”

“Yeah, with pages and everything! When I was your age video games were terrible and books were still considered entertainment. Plus you are my best sounding board, since your mom is so boring.”

Alli rolled her eyes. “What kind of book is it? Is it any good?”

“Of course it’s good, honey!This is Lil Rounds here, not some punk ass teacher telling you to read Charles Dickens, girl!”

Allison laughed. “I guess it would be okay if you read a few pages.”

“All right.” Lil opened the pages, cleared her throat. “No Boundaries: a daring tale of love, death, adventure and music by Lil Rounds, with help from Kara DioGuardi, blah blah blah, a subsidiary of 19 publishing, blah blah blah. Ah here we are! Chapter One:Conway”

The year Kris Allen was born the purest singer in the world was a young woman named Melinda Doolittle. She could bend her voice in ways that no one could imagine. But the King of Hollywood, the island in the sea, no matter how much he loved her voice could not make her popular. She went on to have moderate success, but never could capitalize on her talent. When Kris turned thirteen, the purest singer in the world was David Archuleta. He was of age with Kris, with the Prince of Hollywood, but despite his purity and goodness, David could never form a supergroup with the young Prince, for the young prince had been swayed by the older and suaver David Cook, who moved on with impunity and became a megastar and loved by millions, leaving the young Prince alone and wounded.

Every year the King of Hollywood searched for someone to be a permanent companion for his son, someone the Prince could sing with, a pure voice.The King had to ensure his son was fit to rule Hollywood, and therefore must make millions. Kris Allen, when he was just eighteen had the potential. He was ripe with potential. With his excellent and wide taste in music (the Beatles and Kanye?) and his beautiful clear tenor held him at 10th place alone on the purest singer list. But it wasn't enough. Kris had grown up  in Conway, passing the days strumming his guitar and playing viola in the school orchestra. It wasn't until his parents hired Adam Lambert for music lessons that Kris' potential began to really develop.

Adam was tall, strawberry blond, beautiful, a native of Hollywood who had moved to Conway to earn a paycheck. Kris thought he was kind of weird, proceeded to treat him as if he were nothing. He would call him "Teacher" in a derogatory voice, boss him around. Adam would raise an eyebrow, laugh, and proceed to do something else. He was so confident, and Kris actually began to think he was kind of attractive. So  when Kris began to listen he realized that Adam knew his stuff. Why Adam wasn't on the list of purest voices was beyond anyone's imagining, except Adam was beyond lists, was beyond categorization. As time passed, the two became less teacher and student and more friends. Every passing day Kris spent with Adam, his potential grew. They challenged each other to new musical heights. Any time Kris asked for something, Adam would look at him, smile, and say, "As you wish." Slowly, Kris began to realize that every time Adam said "As you wish" he really meant "I love you."

For a long time, Kris didn't know what to think of it, except that he knew deep inside that he loved Adam too, that his parents wish of him marrying their best friend's daughter was not going to become a reality, no matter how cute Katy was. Adam was his one true love. One day, he was in a lesson, and he was staring at Adam's freckles, counting them again, when he decided to make his move.

"Teacher, will you help me with my breathing again? I just can't get that diaphragm thing."

Adam sighed, walked behind Kris, put his hand on Kris' stomach. Kris felt a flutter, a warmth as Adam whispered, "As you wish."

Kris leaned slightly back, heard Adam's gasp. He turned, leaned forward, his lips pressing gently against Adam's, parting slightly as--"

"Wait, is this a kissing book? More specifically is this a gay porn kissing book?"

Lil shrugged. "Don't tell your mom. This is actually something I'm working on for livejournal, and you are the best beta ever. Your mom's always been squidgy about that. I can skip over the NC17 parts for now, if you want. The kissing too. If you just want the story."

"Yeah, just the story for now. I'm kind of interested."

Adam decided then and there he was going back to Hollywood to try and make his way there, to earn enough money so he and Kris could be together. After Adam left, and Kris sat on his deck singing "Falling Slowly" : the Count of Hollywood happened to be passing. Since Kris was singing with all the love he had, his voice had become at least for that moment the purest voice in the land. The Count made a note to notify the Prince, to try and recruit this young man. One week later a letter came saying Adam had been corralled into the troupe of the Glittery Unicorn Prince of Fierce, from which no one returned. Kris spent two days in his room, emerging broken, his heart heavy.

"I shall never love, shall never harmonize again."
**'

Five years later:

The courtyard of Castle Idol was abuzz, the Prince of Hollywood was announcing his new partner, his forever collaborator. The King of Hollywood was sick, and if the Prince wanted to rule, he had to start making music and had to start now. Matt appeared on the balcony, waving to the citizens below. He paused before speaking, nodding to Count Gokey, his right hand man.

"Citizens of Hollywood, I know you have been awaiting my debut album with great anticipation. It is now with great pleasure I introduce not only my new music collaborator, but my future husband, who comes from humble Conway, Kris Allen!"

The audience cheered, and Kris walked among them. Outside he smiled, ignored the tugs at his plaid shirt, waved and grinned at Matt. Inside, he was dead. Inside, his heart still ached for Adam, but when Count Gokey had showed up at his door, with Matt's offer, he couldn't refuse. His parents were still in denial, still trying to get him to marry Katy. Anything he could do to get away from the memories, the place where he had fallen in love. Plus Matt was really a good musician, so there was that. But he knew he could never love Matt, could never truly harmonize with him as he had with Adam. His only loves in the world were playing his guitar and taking walks in the woods.

One day while exploring he came upon an odd trio: A tall Southern giant, and devastatingly handsome Indian, and a strange woman with a grating voice.

"Hello," she greeted Kris. "We are but three lost musicians" Kris was sure the Indian snorted. "And were wondering where we could appeal to the King of Hollywood to give us a break?"

Kris shrugged. "Castle Idol is that way."

"I see. Micheal, if you could?"

It wasn't until the giant came up behind him and put him in a sleephold that Kris realized he was in trouble.

*
"Good times."

Kara shook her head at Michael, "I wish you would stop saying that. It's terribly annoying." She was laying fliers all over the scene, and had stuffed a contract into one of Kris' boots.

"What are you doing?" the Indian asked.

"I'm putting fliers for Conway Recordings everywhere, a fake contract for Mr. Allen here. I'm trying to start a label war. It's a time honored tradition. Let's go."

The three climbed onto the boat, Anoop guiding the tiller, Michael keeping a lookout. Kara turned on her iPod, immediately switching to her Count Gokey playlist.

"Now this is artistry."

Anoop shook his head, deciding pissing off his new boss was not what he should be doing, but he was bored, and Michael was always game.

"If I were to dance the hokey pokey with a koala, it would be--"

"Good times."

"If I were to pet a kangaroo in an airport it would be---"

"Good times"

"STOP IT!! YOU ARE INTERRUPTING THE ARTISTRY OF ENDLESS LOVE!"

Anoop grinned whispering,  "If Gokey never got another record deal it would be--"

"Good times"
*

Kris woke to the gentle sway of a boat and the vocal stylings of Count Gokey singing "September", the brunette rocking back and forth in ecstasy, whispering 'artistry' over and over.

"Kara," the Indian yelled, trying to get her attention. The giant nudged her and she finally switched the iHome off.

"What now Anoop?"

"I think someone is following us. See that boat, it's trajectory is matching ours."

"Trajectory?" Kara snorted. "College boy, you can barely make out a sail from here, let alone a trajectory. Don't worry, it's too early for Prince Matt to have sent out his search dogs, and no one in Conway could possibly know we have Prince Kris. Don't worry. Anyway, no one else can go the way we are. Speaking of the Prince, hello."

Kris stayed silent, too confused and scared to say anything. While he was kind of excited he was away from the craziness of Castle Idol, the possibilities of what was happening scared him more. He knew he was headed back to Conway, and that meant one thing: a label war. He had briefly considered signing with Conway once, but knew Hollywood was worth more. He sighed,  trying to think of a way out of here. It was when the giant, Michael pointed back to the Hollywood coast, and Anoop and Kara both began to argue about the boat following them. Kris jumped in the water, began to swim when he heard the noises, saw the arms, heard Kara call out.

"You think you've escaped, but you forgot the danger of the Sea of Audience: the Swaybots!"

Kris swallowed, fear enveloping him, the strange creatures with weird locked arms and no rhythm approaching him, their dead eyes and wild screams getting closer--

"The Swaybots do not get him at this time."

"What?" Allison jumped.

"The Swaybots. They don't get Kris. You're looking worried. Maybe I should continue later."

"No! No! I was just, ah, concerned. Yeah. Concerned. I'd like for you to go on. Please?"

"Ok, where was I?"

Kris swallowed, fear enveloping him, the strange creatures with weird locked arms and no rhythm approaching him, their wild screams getting closer, when he found himself lifted and back on the boat.

"I suppose you think that was brave?"

Kris shrugged. "Not really. Just figured I had a shot, you know?"

"Well, don't do it again. Anoop, how close are we?"

"Just about there ma'am."

"Good times."

"For God's sake do you know any other phrase? Doesn't matter, I hired you for your brawn not your limited brains. If you aren't careful I'll send you back to that oil rig I found you on! And you!" She turned on Anoop, "You I'll return to your drunken college frat with your poor excuse of a singing group! What kind of name is the Clefhangers anyway? Jesus!"

Kris sat quietly, wanting to laugh, afraid he might get killed for doing so, or worse, be forced to record a godawful song for the shrill harpy before him. He saw their destination, gasped.The Cliffs of Insanity. No one dared go near them, but here they were. Anoop jumped out of the boat, grabbing some sort of strange harness. Kris found himself hanging off of Michael's side, closed his eyes and began to pray as the giant began to climb.

"Look, it seems we were followed!"

Anoop pointed down as a black ship with purple sails entered the bay and a man dressed completely in black leather and glitter jumped out.

"Ha! He'll never be able to climb with skinny arms like that!" Kara crowed. "This is why I am the best planner ever!"

Micheal grunted, concentrating on moving hand to hand. While he was moving, the man in glitter below was gaining.

"Hurry up! Did I hire you for nothing?"

"I'm carrying three people!"

"Excuse, Excuses," Kara muttered as they scrambled over the top of the cliff, Micheal carrying Kris over his shoulder, Kara hacking at the rope with her knife, humming Gokey's latest hit, "My Wish." Anoop peered over the cliff, watching as the man in glitter grabbed onto the cliff with grace, began to climb with his hands alone.

"Damn."

He looked back at Kara who was rolling through the chorus, looking straight at him. "Now that was artistry."

"You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."

"Pffft. What do you know? I plucked you from obscurity, so shut up."

Kara looked down the cliffs, swore silently. "All right. Michael and I are going to take Kris further in, you take care of whatever is down there."

"I'm going with 'My Perogative.' "

Kara sighed. You know that's so tricky! Stick with the buttery vocals, the locals eat that shit up!"

"Come on Kara, I've got to practice if I'm going to out vocal my sworn enemy!"

"Fine. Just take care of him!"

Anoop began to hum, warming up his voice, outlining his dance moves. He peered down the cliff, impatient to test out his skills.

"Uh, I hate to be a bother, but any chance of you going faster?"

The man in glitter looked up, his piercing blue eyes stopping Anoop's heart. "I'm kind of trying to not die here, so, you'll excuse me if I ignore you."

"I have some extra rope here, if you want? Though I'm just waiting so I can totally outsing you."

"Oh is that so? Well, that totally puts a damper on our relationship doesn't it?"

Anoop paced, thinking. "If I gave you my word as a Tarheel?"

The man in glitter laughed. "No, I've known too many Tarheels. You guys are great, but way too obsessed with basketball."

Anoop was desperate. "My name is Anoop Manoj Desai, and I swear on my father's  ruined recording label, you will make the top alive."

"Hand me the rope."

The man in glitter dusted himself off, began to vocalize.

"Catch your breath, it will take a minute for the crowd to fill."

"Thank you."

Having lived in both Conway and Hollywood, they both knew the tradition of singing battles, both knew their hopes were to be determined by the referee and the crowd. The referee was a beautiful blonde that Anoop would have totally hit on had it not been against the rules.

"If you don't mind me asking, do you happen to wear contacts?"

The man in glitter shook his head. "Twenty-twenty. Why do you ask?"

"Well, my father was a great record producer in India, had thousands of unwritten songs waiting to be produced, when a man came in, looking for the perfect song. My father worked and worked and crafted the best song possible for the man, who was only marginally talented to begin with, and when my father gave it to him, the man refused to pay. He came back with a bunch of goons, destroyed my father's studio and stole all of his songs. After they beat him, all my father could remember, could give to me was this:" Anoop held out a pair of glasses." I've been searching my hole life for this man,  just so I can face him and say, Hello. My name is Anoop Desai. You ruined my father. Prepare to die."

"That's kind of extreme, don't you think? Killing?"

"Well, mostly I'm gonna outsing him and get back my father's songs. Then I'm going to ruin him financially. but it just doesn't have the same ring. You know?"

"Yeah. "

"But I've been searching for so long, I'm not sure I'll ever find him. So you ready?"

The man in glitter nodded and the referee came over. "All right, who goes first?" she asked.

Anoop nodded, singing and dancing, the crowd enthusiastically dancing along, his swiveling hips and bad assery making girls swoon. He nodded to himself as the man in glitter  clapped politely cleared his throat and began to sing "Whole Lotta Love"

Anoop's jaw dropped, watching as the man literally sexed the microphone stand, the crowd throwing various articles of clothing.

"Who are you?"

"It's none of your business."

"I must know."

"Get used to disappointment."

Anoop nodded as the referee scored the first round to the man in glitter, grinned as he headed to the microphone. "I have to admit something."

"What's that?"

"I'm not really good at fast songs. I'm a balladeer."

Finishing "Always On My Mind" Anoop knew he had it in the bag as the girls fainted and the referee eyed him appreciatively.The man in glitter gave him a look, stepped up to the microphone. "I have to tell you something."

"What's that?"

"I'm really good at ballads too."

As the whole audience went wild after the man in glitter finished "Tracks of My Tears." Anoop began to cry. he had failed.

"You win. I give up."

"Don't give up. you are a fine singer. You just have to find yourself first," the man in glitter pat him on the back. "But since I can't have you following me. Ladies this  is Anoop Desai and he is single and wants your attention. He is giving hugs and autographs the rest of the afternoon."

Anoop barely saw the man in glitter lope off as he was swarmed with fangirls.

*

Kara swore as she saw the glittery figure in the distance. "Give me the Prince. Take care of him."

"How?"

"Your way!"

"My way?"

"Hit him in the head with a rock! I don't care, just stop him! Unless you want to return to your dead end job and never record!"

Michael picked up a rock, looking at it. He wasn't as stupid as Kara thought he was, he just was quiet. He knew he didn't have much of a chance of making it in Hollywood, and she had been an opportunity. He didn't want to hurt the man in glitter, but was conflicted as how to stop him. If he had bested Anoop in a sing off there was no way Michael could beat him.

"Well, hello there."

The man in glitter stopped. "Well, hello. I guess you're going to beat me with that rock? That's okay, I'm used to it. I do wear glitter after all."

Michael was surprised at the bitterness, realized just then that the man in glitter may be different, but he was a person. "Well, I have to admit I was wondering about the glitter."

"It's terribly comfortable. I think everyone should wear it in the future."

Michael laughed. "I'm supposed to stop you."

"And how do you propose to do that?"

"I don't know. But I'm trying to make it and Kara is my best bet."

"Really? She's a hack. I'm a good friend of the Glittery Unicorn Prince of Fierce. I could put a good word in if you want."

"Really? I mean, I'm not so sure...."

"Oh he's not so bad. Plus he's looking to diversify. Here's a card. go down to the Hollywood docks, the the Upright Cabaret, show it to Cheeks. He's the club owner. He'll help you from there."

'Wow. Thanks. I mean. What are you going to do now?"

"I'm going to save the love of my life,"

"Prince Kris? Really? Good luck then."

"However, there is a small chance you may change your mind, so I'm terribly sorry."

Michael gasped as the man in glitter touched the pressure points in his neck, heard a whisper as he fell to the ground. "Sleep well and dream of good times."

*

Kara sat at a table, Kris blindfolded at her side, a knife to his throat.

"So it is down to you and me."

"Yes."

"If you want him to die, then by all means get closer."

The man in glitter stopped, considered. "I have a proposal."

"I'm listening."

"I've heard you are the greatest judge of artistry to date."

"This is true."

"I have here a recording of what I consider the worst song to exist within Castle Idol. If you can find artistry within it, you can continue. If however, you agree that there is no way this should have ever existed, then I win."

"Done."

The man in glitter took a seat, taking out headphone splitters, patiently waiting as Kara put her headphones on.

"Ready."

The man in glitter pressed play, and Kara smiled. Then her head began to twitch, her arms flailing. She ripped out the earphones, the man in glitter sitting calmly.

"I WROTE THAT SONG YOU BASTARD! It is truly full of artistry. You made the classic mistake of trying to outwit a songwriter with her own song. HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!" She slumped to the floor, unconcious.

The man in glitter stood, began to untie Kris.

"What just happened?"

"First, I recorded a song, had no idea that dreck was hers, adding in a subliminal message for her to fall asleep for twenty four hours. Then I listened to it daily so I could become immune. Come, we don't have much time."

*
Kris was breathing hard as the man in glitter paused, looked back. "I know who you are. You outsang the Indian, probably offered the giant a job, outwitted the harpy. You are the Glittery Unicorn Prince of Fierce. "

The man in glitter bowed mockingly. "At your service."

"I hate you, But it doesn't matter. Matty will find me."

"So anxious to see your love again?"

"No. And he is not my love."

"You admit to not loving him?"

"He knows I do not."

"Do not or cannot?"

Kris went up to the man in glitter, pushing him slightly. Don't you dare! I have loved so deeply, so...." he turned, hot tears in his eyes.

"And who is this love? Another Prince, another poser?"

"No. He was wonderful. He was perfect, and poor. I loved everything about him, his eyes, his eyes were like yours except kind, and I could count his freckles all night long. Then Adam ran into you, and it was over."

"Ah. Freckles you say? I think I remember him. Such a nice boy. You should see him now."

"You bastard, I wish you could just die."

Kris pushed him, and the man in glitter began to roll down the hill, his voice soaring

"ASSSSSSSSS YOOOOOOOOOUUUUUU WISSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"

"Adam?" Kris whispered, tripping and falling down the hill. He found himself wrapped in the other man's arms, kissed raining over his face. "Adam, I..."

"Shhh, are you alright love?"

Kris nodded, swallowing as Adam kissed him, his tongue---"

"Ahem." Lil cleared her throat. "And so after a happy reunion, the two began to wend their way down the dirt path, not realizing that they were headed to the Fire Swamp."

"You skipped like three pages, Lil."

"It's very NC17. Porn for Porn's sake."

"Okay. The Fire Swamp sounds pretty cool."

Kris shuddered as he saw the Fire Swamp. "Are you sure?"

"We have nowhere else to go."

"I hope you know what you are doing?"

"Trust me honey. I'm the Glittery Unicorn Prince of Fierce."
*
Meanwhile.....

Prince Matt frowned, pondering the latest scene. first he had come upon the Cliffs of Insanity, all signs of a sing off determining that someone was following his Kris and his captors, that there was a complex game going on. He was mad that the referee had let the loser go, but the loser did not matter. Then he found evidences of glitter in a clearing where a giant had lain, and had understood that whoever this man in glitter was, he had formidable skills. But Matt had better resources, after all he was the Prince of Hollywood. Then after he had found Kara, he knew he was in trouble.

"Count Gokey, I believe they may be headed through the Fire Swamp."

"Yes, I have meditated and reached the same conclusion. Shall we meet them on the other side?"

"Yes. If the referee was right, the man in glitter would be good for your experiment."

"Good. I am glad."

Matt smiled. He was anxious to have his Kris back. He had been surprised when Count Gokey had found him, had brought him to the castle. Matt had been instantly smitten. Not only was Kris completely adorable, but he was also very talented. It was too bad Matt was using him. He smiled to himself, handling the demo in his pocket. Their album was almost ready, and soon, very soon, Matt would be the King of Hollywood, the ruler of all.
*

Adam was still shaking his jacket out, glad Kris had seen the fire pocket in time to save it. Mostly.

"Ok, what I don't understand is how you are the Glittery Unicorn Prince of Fierce. I mean, he's been around for years!"

"Well, what I told you about me knowing him, was true. When he recruited me, I told him about you, and he took me under his wing, told me every day he was going to put me back in the chorus every day. Every night he would say 'Good night Adam, most likely put  you in the chorus tomorrow.' Then after about a year, he pulled me aside and told me a secret. He said 'I am not the Glittery Unicorn Prince from Fierce, my name is Aiken, and I took over from a man named John, and he took over from a man named Bowie, who's been retired for years and living off his wealth.' He told me it didn't matter who it was, that is was the name that inspired the fame and wealth. We took on whole new crew, with him calling me the Glittery Unicorn Prince and it stuck. When I heard about your engagement I had to find you at last. Why didn't you wait for me?"

Kris swallowed. "No one returns from Fierce. Five years is a long time. I thought you'd found someone else. That our love had died."

"True love never dies. Not even for Glittery Unicorn Princes."

Kris nodded, and that's when he found himself sinking. Adam panicked watching as Kris disappeared into the sand. He grabbed a vine, and dove.

"You okay?" he asked, his heart beating too wildly as Kris nodded. "Well, that's two of the terrors of the Fire Swamp conquered. I discovered the flames," Adam ruefully pointed to his ruined jacket, and you discovered the lightning sand, thank you now I won't ever be able to wear these pants again, so we're good right?"

Kris grinned."Too bad, I like those pants.."

'Really?"

"Uh-huh. The whole look really suits you. Though the make up has got to go. I cannot stand not being able to see your freckles."

"As you wish." Adam kissed him soundly, sighed at Kris. "What?"

"What about the C. O. D.'s?"

"The Cougars of Deniability? I don't believe they exist. Come on, let's get out of here."

It was then Kris heard the first scream, saw the wild women surrounding them from all sides. "Adam..."

"Quick, we gotta scare them off!"

"How?"

"Hell if I know!"

Kris tried to beat them off, yelling he was engaged, but the cougars wouldn't listen, kissing him openly, tearing at his clothes. "ADAM!!!"

"WHAT???"

"I GOT AN IDEA!!!"

Kris struggled his way to Adam, grabbed a hold of him, and began to kiss him deeply. "I don't think now is the time for that," Adan whispered.

"Shhh, maybe we'll scare them off."

"Oh good plan."

As the two men held on, the cougars began to whimper, the first ones backing away, moaning in regret and anger.

"Kris."

"Yeah?"

"They're gone."

"Damn."

"We'll have all the time in the world. I'e decided to retire, use my money to fund a new label, to sign artists that Hollywood is ignoring."

"Sweet. Let's go."

The two held hands, gazing only at each other as they exited, not noticing the army across from them.

"Hello, Kris."

"Matt!" Kris exclaimed, still holding Adam's hand.

"Thank you for saving my fiance, now hand him over."

"No," Adam said, "Death first!"

Kris saw the men behind them,saw Count Gokey ready to strike. "WAIT! If I come with you would you promise not to hurt him!"

Adam and Matt started at him. "What?"

"He's a member of the Glittery Unicorn Prince's troupe. If he goes back to them, will you promise not to hurt him?"

Matt smiled gently. "May I never sing again if I should do so."

Adam looked at Kris, the pain all too much to bear. "I don't understand."

"I lost you once, and it killed me. If I know you are safe, that you are doing what you were meant to do, then I have to be happy. It has to be enough. If I lost you again... I..." Kris gave him a crooked smile, looked away as Matt swept him up, rode away. Adam looked at the other man, Count Gokey he believed, smiled.

"Have you always worn rims like that?"

"Oh these," Gokey smiled. "Yes. I have my own line. Why do you ask?"

"I know someone who is looking for you."

Everything went black.
*

He awoke in a strange room, a large black man checking the straps and tying him down. "Where am I?"

"Dawg, dude, for me for you, I mean,well.."

"What?"

"The Pit of Despair, dawg. Name's Randy, and I'll be your host."

"This is an awful nice pit."

"Well, for you, for me, the Count likes people to feel comfortable before he breaks them."

"Ahh torture."

"Dude, a molten hot lava bomb is torture. What the Count does. You don't want to know."

"I've survived a lot."

"No one has survived the Scream."

Adam raised his eyebrows, shrugged as the Count walked in.

"Now as you know, it is my mission to become the most inspirational recording artist that ever lived. Unfortunately, I've run into a few snags."

"Like the fact you're an untalented hack?"

"Now that was uncalled for. Every once in awhile, someone comes along that I need to get rid of. Now killing them would work, but that's too messy. Instead I've developed a method of driving them away from music, from killing every musical part of their being. You are an excellent subject and could very well define the center of my research. Now I'm going to start you off gentle, start the volume at 1. I may one day go as high as five or six. I do not know."

Adam began to panic as earbuds were inserted, the opening strains of "Dream On" gently playing. After it was over, Adam tried to remember something good, Kris singing, Kris anything, but the pain was too much.

"How did that make you feel?"

Adam whimpered.

"Interesting."

Later, Gokey would take a walk with the Prince, discussing the future. "This Lambert is going to be so much fun to break."

"I wish I could watch Daniel. I really do."

"I know, but you are so busy with your album release, the wedding, running the country..."

"Yes, I know. Too bad I have to sacrifice Kris, he is kind of cute. Ah well. The people will be so moved when I announce our album is in his memory. The kid will be stuck on a dungeon singing songs for me forever, knowing you have the love of his life, it all works out so well. Yes, better get back to planning."

Gokey laughed, patting the Prince on his back. Planning this scheme had taken time. Originally they were going to torture Kris's parents to get him to write the music, but having Kris's one true love in their custody made the deal so much easier. The King had no idea Matt was going to pass off Kris's music as his own, had no idea what was really going on. Of course of late the king was a doddering fool, so that made the plan that much easier.
*

The King died that evening, and Matt pushed the wedding and album release up, and introduced his husband to the court that morning.

"WAIT! You read that wrong!"

"Excuse me," Lil looked at Allison, whose face was flushed.

"I said you read that wrong!"

"No I didn't."

"Well then, tell me Kris and Adam live happily ever after and Matt gets exiled and ends up working in some dingy piano bar the rest of his life."

"Actually he has a very successful career."

"YOU MEAN HE WINS? JESUS WHY DID YOU READ THIS THEN?"

"That's it I'm done."

"No wait! Please. I have to know."

"Are you going to interrupt me again?"

"No, Aunt Lil."

"Okay."

The King died that evening, and Matt pushed the wedding and album release up, and introduced his husband to the court that morning

"May I introduce my husband Kris Allen-Giraud!!!"

Kris walked the crowd, his heart dead, until an dirty woman with a pink streak in her hair came up to him booing.

"Why are you booing me?"

"You had love in the Fire Swamp and you threw it away! BOOOOOO! You are filth! Filth! Booooo! Go on bow to the filth!"

Kris sat up in bed sweating. He had been having dreams like this ever since his aborted kidnapping. He made a decision. He walked to Matt's recording room, found him there with the head of the guard.

"Know this. I love Adam Lambert. I always have. I know now I always will. So if you say I still have to marry you in two days, know that I will kill myself on the morrow."

Matt looked taken aback but not surprised. "Ok. This Lambert, he is a Fiercelander?"

"Yes."

"Do you wish to contact him? I mean after the Fire Swamp he may be slightly hurt."

"He will come."

"Then I will send my fastest four ships to find him. If he doesn't reply,please consider my offer. I may not be a glittery unicorn type, but I am a Prince nonetheless."

Kris nodded, knowing it didn't matter: without Adam, life was nothing. He swept out the room.

"Now Dunkleman I have heard executives from Conway are going to crash the wedding, try to kill Kris. I want you to clear the starving artist's corner. Round them all up."

"I have heard no such rumors."

"Do it."

"Of course my Prince, but I may need--"

"Form a brute squad and get it done!"

"Yes sir."
*

It was the day of the wedding and Anoop Desai was drunk. He was lost without a plan, had been dumped by the cute blond for someone else, and now had nowhere to go. He sat singing "True Colors" in a slurred voice at the open mic, ignoring that he had no audience, that the brute squad was clearing out the starving artist's corner. He had already run two or three off, when suddenly a shadow fell over him.

"Michael? If I thought I would see you again it would be--"

"Good times"

Michael sobered him up, caught him as he fainted when he learned that the bespectled man he searched for was none other than Count Gokey. That the castle was heavily guarded, but the wedding could provide a distraction.

"All right, I need a planner, but Kara went batshit crazy didn't she?"

Michael nodded. "She would be good."

Anoop stopped. "I got it! The man in glitter!"

"What?"

"You said he was friends with the Glittery Unicorn Prince of Fierce,  right? Who better to plan my attack? With someone like that on my side, I can win easily!"

"But how do we find him?"

"Look, I finally can have revenge for my father, don't bother me with details!"
*

"Any word from Fierce?"

"No sweetheart. None. Look, just accept he doesn't want you. Let's get hitched, celebrate as every ship escorts us to our world tour."

"Every ship but your four fastest."

Matt looked confused as Kris realized the truth. "You never sent them. That's okay. Adam will come."

"Adam is indisposed."

"Doesn't matter,nothing can stop true love, not any of your schemes or your plans. We will be together, and then you will really know what true music is."

"I would not say such things if I were you."

"Why not? It's the truth. you are so scared of rejection you can't record on your own. Adam doesn't care and neither do I, because it's about the music not the acceptance you moron."

Kris found himself hauled across the room, locked in a bedroom as Matt furiously yelled, "I WOULD NOT SAY SUCH THINGS IF I WERE YOU!"
*

Adam lay on the cot, today Gokey was turning the volume up to three. Then Matt came bounding the stairs, ignoring Randy's yell of "Watch out dawg!" and crouching before Adam, his eyes full of fire.

"Duos like you come along so very little. You could have been Simon and Garfunkel. Lennon and McCartney. Well I'm Yoko Ono and I'm having none of it!"

Adam watched in horror as Matt cranked the volume, Gokey screaming "NOT TO ELEVEN!!!!!!!!!"

The scream that escaped Adam's lips was heard throughout the kingdom. Even in the empty starving artisit's corner, Michael heard it.

"That's the man in glitter!"

Anoop looked at him. "How do you know?"

"Well, he said Kris was the love of his life. Kris is marrying someone else. That's an anguish scream if I ever heard one."

"That is the most I've ever heard you talk."

"Never had much to say."

"Well then, let's go find him."

The sound stopped as they reached an abandoned recording studio. A large black man was sweeping outside, humming some obscure Journey song.

"Excuse me, but we're trying to find a man in glitter. You wouldn't happen to know of anyone like that?"

"For me for you, no man, I don't know of any glittery unicorn like guys. None."

"Uh-huh," Anoop nodded at Michael who put the sleeper hold on him, dragged him away. "Shit it's locked."

Anoop punched the wall frustrated that he had gotten this far, only to be denied now. "Please, Father, guide me to some way to make this work."

It was then the sunlight glinted off the glasses Anoop alway carried, reflecting on a window hidden behind a bush. Anoop grinned, walking down the silent and empty hallway, rejoicing as he saw the figure lying on the table. He stopped as he saw the figure silently sobbing.

"What's wrong?"

The man didn't respond, and Anoop shook him. It was when the man covered his ears, his mouth that Anoop realized what had happened.

"Do you have any money?"

Michael shook his head.

"I have a little. I hope it can pay for a miracle."

The man in glitter looked at him quizically.

"My name is Anoop Desai and I do not give up. Let's go get this done."
*

For such a famous person the hut was small. Michael knocked loudly was rewarded with a brown eye and a rude British voice. "Go away!"

"Are you the famous Cowell that cured the King's son all those years ago?"

"I am and the king's son fired me, thank you so much!"

The hole shut and Michael banged again. "Go away before I call the brute squad!"

"I'm on the brute squad!"

"You are the brute squad? Well, that's interesting. Anyway why would you want a failed miracle man? I might make it worse."

"Well, this one's already deaf, so it can't get much worse."

"You got money?"

"Some."

"All right, bring him in."

Cowell frowned at the man in glitter, carefully examining him.

"If it's not too much trouble, we're in a hurry," Anoop prodded.

"You don't hurry miracles," cowell muttered. "Where's the money?"

Anoop handed it over and Cowell sighed. "That has got to be the most riduculous thing I have ever seen. I have never worked for that little. Ever."

"It's for a good cause."

"Really?"

"Um, he's the opening act for the David Cook concert tonight and well without him they may have to resort to using Count Gokey."

"Pfft. Gokey's best man at a wedding tonight, and no offense, but this one is with the Glittery Prince, and they don't open for anyone."

"Fine, his true love is marrying tonight and I need him to get my revenge on Gokey."

"Your first lie was better. Let's ask your friend here."

"He's deaf."

"Ha, shows what you know! He's only mostly deaf. All the way deaf and you better start teaching him sign language. Mostly deaf I can work with," Cowell rummaged around, found a notebook, handed it to the man, then yelled loudly and slowly.

"WHY SHOUULD I HELP YOU??"

The man in glitter paused, began to write furiously.

"Terrible penmanship. Ha! See it says to blev, which means to bluff which means he owes you money! Ha!"

"LIAR! Learn how to read! It says true love!"

Anoop and Michael turned at the voice, seeing a younger man, tanned and blond satring at Cowell with love and anger.

"Shut up witch!"

"I'm not a witch, I'm your wife!"

"Ryan go away!"

"No!" Ryan looked at the three men staring. "Ever since he was fired by Matt Giraud he's been insecure and grumpy. Well insecure."

"I told you not to say that name!"

"MATTGIRAUD! MATTGIRAUD! MATTGIRAUD!!"

"Wait! This man, his true love is Prince Kris! If you help us, it will hurt Matt considerably!"

Simon paused, nodded enthusiastically and got to work.

"As the King well knows chocolate is an excellent cover for any cure," Simon commented. "Give it about half an hour and he'll be back to normal."

As the three went off Simon and Ryan waved. "Have fun storming the castle!"

"Do you think it will work?"

We'll find out. After the break."

*

The three men made their way to the castle stopping in a hidden corner in front of the gate, now guarded by twice as many. Anoop and Michael shrugged, gave the man in glitter the pill, waited. It was fifteen minutes, and then his head turned at a bird squealing in the distance. Anoop cheered. The man wrote furiously.

"You're happy because I heard a tweet? Really!"

"Well yes, it's a good sign! Can you hear me now? Can you hear me now? Can you--"

"Give him a break 'noop, he's been mostly deaf all day."

Anoop nodded, impatient. It was three hours later when the man finally whispered his name, another hour before they could really converse.

"Ok, so it's us three against twenty guards? Can't be done."

Anoop growled. "But you, you're a planner, I need! I-"

"Look, if I had a credit card, cell phone and a megaphone I might get things done!"

Anoop stood back as Michael produced all three. "What? The Cowell has a bazillion dollars, and I thought the card and phone might come in useful. The megaphone, well, I saw it in that place where we hid the black dude, so I kept it."

Adam grinned. "Good to know someone is thinking. So here's the plan...."

*

Kris walked down the aisle calmly knowing any moment Adam would be there and everything would be okay.

"You look radiant my dear."

"That's because I'm seeing Adam tonight."

Matt shut up as the priestess walked in, wearing sparkles and feathers in a dizzying combination that somehow worked.

"Marriage, marriage is what bring us here today," the woman started, her limpid brown eyes already full of tears. "Love, that dream within a dream, if you should choose to follow it, should you dare to dance upon the path of greatness, should you begin to fly like a moth towards its flame..."

As Paula droned on, Kris heard the first disturbance, saw as Matt motioned for Gokey to go take care of it. He smiled widely, his heart full. Then Matt whispered "the vows, the vows" until Paula nodded, skipping to the vows.

"Matthew, you are soulful and blusy. Kristopher you are artistic and classy. Matthew you define the very knowledge that is art, are a true musician in that---"

Kris smiled again at the screams, winced as Matt held him tight, whispered. "Say man and wife. Man and wife"

"Man and wife."

Kris dazedly walked down the hall with Matt's parents, hurt that Adam hadn't come soon enough.

"That chocolate cake was an excellent touch," King Scott grinned.

Kris smiled, kissed him on the cheek. "You know, you're kind of dotty, but you have always been really nice to me. Too bad I'm killing myself and won't be able to see you again."

He heard Scott giggle as he reached his room, exclaiming, "Kris kissed me!"

He sat at the window and sighed, staring at the knife.

*

Anoop approached the guards, megaphone in hand, saw them look him over and dismiss him as a threat.

"ATTENTION ALL I HAVE FREE FRONT ROW SEATS TO THE DAVID COOK CONCERT! IF YOU WANT THEM COME THIS WAY"

The screams were deafening as Adam and Michael slipped around encountered the head gatekeeper, Dunkleman.

"Don't you want Cook tickets?"

"Don't care about him, never met him."

Adam gasped. "David Cook is the fucking shit! Are you kidding? Get his key."

"What key?"

"Michael rip his arms off."

"Oh you mean this key?" Dunkelman cowered, ran off as Anoop walked up smiling.

As soon as the three of them entered, six guards attacked, Michael deflecting them and Anoop walking straight up to Count Gokey.

"Hello, my name is Anoop Desai. You ruined my father, Prepare to die!"

Gokey ran, Anoop behind him. Michael and Adam stared at each other, until Anoop yelled for Michael, who had to smash open a door. When Michael returned to the hall, Adam was gone. He wandered until realizing he needed help, and went outside to get some.

*

Anoop had never run so fast in his life, but revenge was in sight. He entered a chamber, was blasted with sound and slumped against the wall.

"First law of musicians, dumbass, always have earplugs! You're that Indian douchebg's son that I stole all those songs from aren't you? Ha! After all these years! What a sad story."

Anoop attempted to stand, was blasted again.

"Remote controls are the fucking shit."

Anoop shook his head, whispered, "Hello, my name is Anoop Desai! You ruined my father. Prepare to die!!"

Gokey laughed, You aren't going to try and beat me? Better men have tried!"

"Hello, my name is Anoop Desai! You ruined my father. Prepare to die!!"

Gokey backed up nervously, fumbling with the remote as Anoop stood, putting his fingers in his ears.

"Hello, my name is Anoop Desai! You ruined my father. Prepare to die!!"

"Hello, my name is Anoop Desai! You ruined my father. Prepare to die!!"

"Hello, my name is Anoop Desai! You ruined my father. Prepare to die!!"

"Hello, my name is Anoop Desai! You ruined my father. Prepare to die!!"

Gokey was against the table, his remote forgotten. "STOP SAYING THAT!"

"Hello, my name is Anoop Desai! You ruined my father. Prepare to die!!"

Anoop punched Gokey in the gut, took the left earplug, "Promise me money."

"Yes."

He kicked his shin, took the right earplug. "Promise me fame."

"All you could ever ask for."

Anoop turned grabbed the remote. "Promise me the fucking world!"

"Anything, just leave me alone!"

Anoop broke his nose. "I WANT MY FATHER"S MUSIC BACK YOU SON OF A BITCH!"

He turned, juggling the remote, turning up the volume, pressing play. Gokey lay on the floor, bleeding, broken, the only noise from his mouth, "Blllllloooollllllluuuuuuuuu"
*

Kris grabbed the knife, sighed, stuck the point to himself, stopped as a familiar voice called.

"There are a shortage of perfect pecs in this world and it would be a shame to ruin yours."

"ADAM!"

Kris flew onto the bed, peppering Adam with kisses. "Adam why won't you say anything? Please forgive me, I got married today!"

"No you didn't," Adam whispered

"Yes I did. There was a woman, who was really confusing and she said man and wife, and well, there you go."

"Did you say I do?"

"No. we skipped that part."

"Is gay marriage even legal here in Hollywood?"

"Well, no."

"Then there you go."

Kris grinned, began to kiss Adam again.

"That's a problem I intend to fix."

Kris turned, saw Matt holding a gun. A gun! He swallowed, holding Adam close.

"I'm not leaving him."

"I know."

"Then why the gun?"

"Seemed appropriate that he kills you in a jealous rage and then I kill him no?"

Kris gasped, but Adam shushed him. "I have a better idea. How about you let us go or I pull out my most dangerous weapon. The Paine."

"What's The Paine?"

"The Paine is my secret spy, Tommy Paine, your recording guru. If we sing each other's worst songs, whoever sings them the worst wins."

"I don't know any of your songs!"

"I'm the Glittery Unicorn Prince of Fierce. Please. I choose Coldplay."

"Not Viva la Vida."

"That's right. Everyone will know you were using Kris for his voice and his songwriting abilities and you are a no good hack who just can't choose songs."

"You're bluffing. After this morning you shouldn't even be speaking, let alone singing."

Really?" Adam stood, began to sing in a high warble. "I used to rule the world..."

Matt dropped the gun, and Kris grabbed it, pointing for Matt to sit in the chair. Adam sighed. Anoop walked in then, waving at Adam and frowning at Matt. "You want me to tie him up?"

Kris nodded, looking at Adam. "This a friend of yours?" Adam didn't respond. "Adam?"

"Don't worry, he's been mostly deaf all day. Surprised he could sing at all."

Matt looked at Adam who shrugged. "I knew he was bluffing! I knew it!"

Kris shoved the gun in his face. "Shut up. He wan't completely bluffing. I've heard that recording too, dumbass. Now let's get the hell  out of here!"

"HEY CAN ANYONE HEAR ME?"

Kris peered out the window, saw Michael leading four white unicorns. Adam giggled.

"Where did you get those?"

"Well, I went to that bar and that guy Cheeks he said you might need help someday, and if you did to go outside and sing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" as loud as I could and these unicorns appeared. Cool no?"

Adam nodded. Kris grinned at him, kissed him. "Marry me?"

"As you wish"

Kris jumped. Adam stood with Anoop. "You get what you wanted?"

Anoop nodded, holding up a disk drive. "All mine now. Now I'm not sure what to do with it."

"Well, I don't know how you feel about glam, but you would make a very interesting Glittery Unicorn Prince if I may say so."

The four rode off to the sunset.

Kris and Adam married in Conway, formed Fierce Benches Recording Studios, their hit record as Kradam reaching platinum eleven times. Anoop briefly considered Adam's offer, then returned to the castle to find himself deeply in love with Prince Matt and forming the supergroup Manoop as well as finally erasing all of Count Gokey's recordings. They all lived happily ever after, the end.

"Aunt Lil, wait, you skipped the part where they kiss."

"I didn't think you wanted to hear that."

"Well, a little is okay."

"Well, after the four escaped Castle Idol, Kris and Adam were so overwhelmed with love, they leaned into each other. Now kisses have been analyzed since the start of time, and this one was rated the most pure, the most hot, the most loving, the best kiss ever. Even better than that really hot one in The Notebook."

"Wow. That was a cool story."

"And now it's time for bed. Okay?"

Lil walked to the door.

"Aunt Lil, do you think you could come read it again? Tomorrow? Maybe with the squidgy parts?"

"As you wish"

CAST OF CHARACTERS:
Westley/DreadPirate Roberts: Adam Lambert/Glittery Unicorn Prince of Fierce  Buttercup: Kris Allen

Prince Humperdinck: Scorned!Matt

Inigo Montoya: Anoop Desai

Count Rugen: Danny Gokey

Fezzig: Michael Sarver        Vizzini: Kara DioGuardi

Miracle Max and his wife: Simon Cowell and Ryan Seacrest

King: Scott    the Priest: Paula

The Grandfather/Grandson: Lil Rounds and Allison Iraheta

the Albino: Randy Jackson

the GateKeeper: Brian Dunkleman    the booing woman: Alexis Grace

special appearance by Megan Joy as referee, Melinda Doolittle, David Archuleta and David Cook as themselves (mostly)

please don't kill me. I know there is a special place in the padded room just for me. Thanks for reading!