Every Choice Means Too Much
There's a box of hair color in my bathroom closet.
It's been six months since I last colored my hair.
(My roots aren't really showing, mostly because the color I chose is actually pretty close to my natural color, just a little bit brighter.)
I can't say that I was ever much of a decisive person. After all, high school and college had nice little outlines and syllabi and steps lined out for me. The choices still mattered, but they seemed so much easier because I had something to refer back to, a support system in the back of my mind.
Now every choice seems fraught with danger, seems like a path I can only see the first few steps of, a tangle of possibility I'm not certain I want to see.
Maybe it's because I can see the path behind me so clearly, how all the little choices helped me arrive here. A lot of it was outside of my control, but hindsight has made me overly cautious. That, and knowing that no matter what choice I make next, I can't guarantee what step is next on my outline.
Every day I go to work, there's a trickle of dread because I know I'm not really suited to what I'm doing, but I have job security and vacation time and sometimes I like it and what the hell else am I supposed to do with my life? I have a degree in education with little experience, and every job search I do comes up with either comes up with something worse than where I am or a job that suits me even less than the one I have. Add in that I have little face to face interaction at work, with no social life and a healthy dose of depression and anxiety...
Most days I can manage to survive: I get up, do what has to be done, lather, rinse, repeat.
So when it comes to living, actually deciding to have a life, I'm a little stuck. I have trouble deciding what to pack for lunch, let alone maintaining an actual life.
Oh but it would be lovely.
But today is Monday, so I'm going to post my entry, eat some breakfast and start my week the same as I always do.
There's a box of hair color in my bathroom closet. Maybe I'll use it.
Maybe I won't.