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Sui… Suigintou… She was right.
It’s not just me. It’s never been just me. And it will never be just me. It was never just Tayuya, either.
So I don’t know why I keep doing this. Why I keep trying to continue or go on with this… this… relationship, or whatever it is. It isn’t real. It isn’t based off of anything more than sex. … At least not for him.
I also don’t know why I even started this. I’m not sure why I said yes after saying no for so long. If I had said no again, it would only have resulted in my getting called “prude” and “stuck up.” … I don’t believe that would be sop bad now. Who knows what everyone thinks of me now. Slut, whore. That’s what Tayuya called me. … Maybe she’s right.
After all, what kind of a ‘lady’ sleeps around like that. No kind. … What has happened to me?
Why didn’t I say no? I can’t blame it on the curse that day. It wasn’t one of the curses that change the way you think or how you act. … I really don’t know why.
Perhaps it’s for the same reason I stood up to Tayuya a couple of weeks ago. I wanted to stand up for myself, to fight back, to be more like Elphaba. … Not that Elphaba would sleep around! No… I mean… she would do those kinds of things...
And whatever lapse of proper judgment that caused me to yes… it’s not as if anything happened that night. Tayuya made sure of that. I was almost… relieved that she interrupted us. I had never felt so guilty for doing something in my life. It was so wrong.
It was wrong of me to do something like that to myself and to Havoc. … I hope he didn’t hear before he left the City. I don’t know if I could have faced him. … What could I have said for myself?
But still… among that relief there was a bit of… disappointment. The reasons for which I had intended to keep secret, but then there was that curse… And then I was weak again and invited him back over. … Only, there were no interruptions that time.
I hate myself for giving into such… disgusting feelings. But it felt… I can’t… It shouldn’t feel so good if it’s so wrong. It’s not fair…
… I lied to Greed after that. I told him I had no regrets the second time. I do. I regret not being strong enough to say no. I regret being weak. I regret being a “whore.” ... I regret hurting Tayuya.
I actually think that might be my biggest regret. I never meant to hurt her. Nor did I ever want to. And I’ve been trying so hard to get her to forgive me, or to at least stop wanting to kill me. … But she won’t. And I suppose I understand.
And Suigintou… She’s another name I can add to the list of people I’ve hurt. She’s a friend to me; a good friend, despite the fact that she stays with Tayuya. And I made her cry last night. Tayuya told me. All Suigintou did was care and I upset her. So much that she cried.
She’s been trying to “protect” me from getting hurt by Greed. “He’s hurt everyone else,” she said, and she doesn’t want me to be next. “He doesn’t care about you,” she also said. “He doesn’t care about any of the women he’s been with.”
But no matter how many times she says it, I just can’t bring myself to believe it. Not because he told be he cares. He acts like he cares. … At least, to me, he does.
After Tayuya left me in that alley, he was the one who came for me. He was the one who called for a healer. … He’s the only one who’s ever held me when I’ve cried. No one’s ever done that before. Not Elphaba, not Fiyero… No one.
Between Suigintou, Greed, and Tayuya… I don’t know what to think anymore. I don’t know how to act, what to say, who to believe… I’m… lost…
… I miss Oz.
{ooc: I’m hoping that maybe this explains some of her uh, recent behaviour. If not… I’m sorry, because… I can’t explain it myself. Anyways… a bit of private confusion, depression, what have you, here. Only… Not so private. Ahem, hackable, and all that.}
{ooc: As of 8 pm EST, the private part of the entry is locked. Comments in no way locked.}