Post-natal-stuffs
Well, as mentioned over on my 'normal' LJ, I'm pretty sure I have post-natal depression. I've been a bit iffy about mentioning in a public forum about my rather precarious mental position, as I've had some pretty nasty feedback about it. However, it's my bloody LJ, so I can say what I want. /tantrum
Basically, things feel pretty shitty right now. I'm trapped in a never-ending cycle of bottles, formula and dirty nappies. I get only a couple of hours sleep at a time, and they're somewhat disturbed in any case. As much as I would like to wax lyrical about how everything is wonderful and peachy, and Toby is the perfect baby...it's not. And he's not.
Admittedly, he's a damn good baby, very contented and cuddly. But he's also very nosy, which means he won't settle to sleep, which makes him overtired, which means he can't get to sleep, which means he gets crotchety, which means I get no sleep. Or anything done around the house/for myself/etc. Don't get me wrong, I love him dearly, but good God I'm tired.
My very fragile self-esteem is also still on its way to Aus, because every time I sit down I can feel that extra bit of loose skin/flab from The Bump (capitalisation required) and it makes me feel pretty gross. Not to mention that the last owner of the house (before our landlord) was a lazy fucker who cut corners, and instead of tiling the whole bathroom, he stuck a fuckoff great big mirror across the majority of one wall. The wall, incidentally, that faces the shower. So every time I step out of the shower I am greeted with the sight of flab, bulge, more flab, and those God-forsaken stretchmarks.
Yes, I know the adage "Nine months on, nine months off", but words do nothing for emotions. Or hormones. I am sick of looking like I do, and right now there is sweet FA I can do about it. I'm walking (between delivering Avon and just having-a-walk), but there's only so much of that I can do. I can't join a gym because (a) expensive and (b) Toby. So I'm currently stuck in a rut of being overweight, flabby, stretch-mark-y, and exceedingly depressed with it all.
I'm struggling to get costumes done for Minami, and I am desperate to have something to wear. Cosplay is one of the best forms of escapism, and when you have the sort of fucked up mental state that I do, a little escapism is healthy. And damn needed. I have lots of bits of costumes done, but no full one. And that is most stress-inducing. Hopefully when my brother's finished the move to his new place, I'll have a bit more cutting room than one square foot...
In addition to all that, I'm lonely as all hell. I seem to be seeing couples everywhere. Even my Mum has got guys chasing after her! (Not that I don't think she should, but, y'know).
I'm not planning on getting back with my ex (partly because, honestly, I think she's trying to keep me hanging as her 'just in case'), but...who else would want me? I'm mentally broken, have a young kid, and I'm honestly just not that pretty. I'm terrified that I'm destined to be alone. I mean, I've been signed up on dating sites, and I don't even get profile views, let alone 'winks'. Sigh.
I'm beginning to think that this entry is making no sense, so I think for the moment I'll stop. Perhaps I'll have some more to say later...or earlier, depending... o.O
Before I go: I would be really grateful if details of my mental state weren't bandied about. Ta much <3