Douching isn't good for you.
A douche bag is someone who thinks only of their own advancement and has two goals: To get laid and to be perceived as cool. They also have a hard time grasping concepts like morality, sacrifice, and consequence.
Some people think that spotting a douche-bag is as easy as pie but that’s simply not the case. If anything, spotting a douche-bag is as easy as magic pie or space pie (i.e. significantly harder than regular pie). I was going to do this post earlier but since everyone has returned to campus this week, I’ve gotten tons of extra practice “douche-spotting” and would argue that I’m now the world’s foremost expert on the subject. Being able to find a douche-bag before he finds you is an infinitely valuable skill to possess, especially for females. Each year many worthwhile women may end up dating a guy for up to three months before she realizes that he is a complete and utter tool.
With that said, I have decided to help everyone by releasing Matt Posky’s Guide to Spotting Douche-Bags, Tools, Ass-Hats, and Wangulons:
Step One:
“Location, Location, Location.”
Let’s face it, there are just some places that aren’t going to have douche-bags. For example, douche-bags will not occupy any space within a six foot radius of me (dickheads simply don’t allow douche-bags into their territory). Other than that, they have infiltrated just about every other place in the universe. But some places WILL draw these stool-samples more than others. Places like clubs, colleges, Burger King parking lots, and trucks are notorious for being douche-bag nests. Remember, that if you are new to douche-spotting, keep a safe distance. You don’t want to give one the opportunity to approach you, let alone make eye-contact.
I’ve personally seen some of the biggest douches at Taco Bell.
Step Two:
“Know Thy Enemy.”
You probably already have a pretty good idea of what to look for but things can sometimes be deceiving. Technically, a douche-bag can assume any form it wishes but there are three MAIN categories that they tend to stick with in order to work together.
Type 1: “The Fonzo”
Things to look for include over-gelled hair, dress shirts (especially silk), sunglasses, plenty of money, a muscular build, probably a nice car, and sunglasses. A Fonzo is a douche-bag of the highest order. They have an uncanny ability to be both a douche and successful (or just appear to be). The sad truth is that the majority of their money often comes from their parents and they are only good at pretending to be cool. Yet, there are many self-made douches out there who seem to have no trouble finding ways to make additional money. Fonzos also rarely have any problems getting laid. With enough money to avoid working all the time, they can afford to spend their time honing their womanizing skills and working out. Do NOT underestimate a Fonzo; while about half are usually clueless, some are educated and can be highly cunning. Many are even talented in some way. The ultimate tragedy about this type of d-bag is that you usually covet something they have.
(Note, the guy on the far left is actually a wanna-bee Fonzo also known as a Wanzo)
This was the best photo I could find on short notice. Notice how they are all wearing sunglasses inside. They also don’t seem to be having a very good time at that fancy restaurant. This is because nothing is ever good enough for a true Fonzo. They always get what they want and then usually don’t want it once they have it. Take special note of the beers. It would appear that they have barely touched their drinks. This is because, deep down, every Fonzo is a total pussy.
FAMOUS FONZOS:
-Frank Sinatra
-ICE MAN from Top Gun
(I have to credit Adam and Chris for coming up with “fonzo” and Adam for inventing “wanzo”.)
Type 2:
“The Typical Douche”
This is your standard ass-hat. Messy hair, a shitty half-beard, baseball cap, plain t-shirt or polo, shorts, and sandals year round are all great indicators that a typical douche is afoot. These are the guys who think it’s cool to wear pastel colored shirts everyday. This should only be the case if you are a 4 year old girl… and everyday is Easter. You can find these guys at most frat parties OR tossing a football around wherever you are trying to walk. BE AWARE that it’s often hard to tell a regular guy from a typical douche. Just because he’s wearing a plain shirt, baseball cap, and/or sandals, doesn’t necessarily make him an ass-clown… but I’d be on my toes.
Typical douches share a massive amount of traits with Fonzos, and many will eventually evolve into one. However, unlike the Fonzo, they are more than willing to consume insane amounts of alcohol causing them to become unpredictable and often violent (I am still not sure if this is their strength or weakness). Just imagine watching a documentary where a pack of monkeys goes crazy; it’s basically the same thing. They are rarely intelligent (yet are somehow rampant on college campuses) and have bad taste in almost everything. While they are not as well to do as a Fonzo, they CAN still be well funded. Typical douches are also very unpredictable and may cause physical harm to you if provoked, but rarely pose any mental threat.
FAMOUS TYPICAL DOUCHES:
-George Bush
-Anyone from Alpha Beta in Revenge of the Nerds
Type 3:
“The Lone Douche”
There isn’t really a standard “look” for the lone douche. He could be an ugly dweeb with a crustache, or he could be handsome and smooth. The only thing that unifies the Lone douche is that they all stick to themselves. This could be because nobody likes them (i.e. they stink, are annoying, etc) or because they simply have strayed from the pack. Their goal is still the same as all other douches though; they want to score with a lady and be perceived as cool. They will show up at random places and bother you or just creep you out. They often make up stories or imitate other douches to strive for coolness, but always unsuccessfully. Luckily, most people can see through the phony act and the lone douche will eventually retreat only to return a short time later. The best indicator that someone is a Lone douche is a look of desperation. This stems from the burning desire to be liked by someone. Many douches of this type become actors or comedians.
If you only see this kid at Kroger, he's normal... but if you see him where YOU work, he's a douche. The crustache is a dead giveaway.
FAMOUS LONE DOUCHES:
-Steve Urkel
-Andy Dick
-Carrot Top
Step Three
“Taking Them Down”
Most douches know that there is strength in numbers. While one may be able to bring down a girl with low self-esteem on his own, he is nearly powerless without his pack. Any self-assured person can confront a lone douche-bag if they are strong enough. Here is how you should deal with them:
1. Don’t ever lose your confidence.
2. Realize that they are weak inside.
3. Stab them in the groin like 9 times.
4. Proclaim, “Your Shit Has Been Ruined!”
5. Dance around.
6. If the rest of the pack starts to shows up, run away.
If only all scenarios were as simple…. Sadly, the only thing that can kill a Fonzo is another Fonzo. If you cut down a Fonzo, two more will rise to take his place. Your best bet is to try and pit Fonzos against each other or, better yet, himself. This may take a great deal of time and energy but, if you’re smart enough, completely possible. Find a weakness and exploit it until they break and reveal their insecurities. Continue to mentally assault them until they are exhausted and weak; eventually they will transform into a lesser douche (wanzo, typical, or lone) and you can “finish the job.”
Avoid confronting packs whenever possible. Douche Packs have few weaknesses and is more than willing to rip you a new one. But if you find yourself in the most dire of situations and end up on the bad side of a pack, try to confuse them. If you tire them out mentally, they may not even bother with you. Just start doing math outloud or bust one of the peg-games they have at the Cracker Barrel. Typical douches may even start in-fighting if you manage to get them drunk beforehand.
_________________________________________
Alright that’s all I’m writing. I’m sick with the flu or something and my medicine is making me really want to sleep.
Some people think that spotting a douche-bag is as easy as pie but that’s simply not the case. If anything, spotting a douche-bag is as easy as magic pie or space pie (i.e. significantly harder than regular pie). I was going to do this post earlier but since everyone has returned to campus this week, I’ve gotten tons of extra practice “douche-spotting” and would argue that I’m now the world’s foremost expert on the subject. Being able to find a douche-bag before he finds you is an infinitely valuable skill to possess, especially for females. Each year many worthwhile women may end up dating a guy for up to three months before she realizes that he is a complete and utter tool.
With that said, I have decided to help everyone by releasing Matt Posky’s Guide to Spotting Douche-Bags, Tools, Ass-Hats, and Wangulons:
Step One:
“Location, Location, Location.”
Let’s face it, there are just some places that aren’t going to have douche-bags. For example, douche-bags will not occupy any space within a six foot radius of me (dickheads simply don’t allow douche-bags into their territory). Other than that, they have infiltrated just about every other place in the universe. But some places WILL draw these stool-samples more than others. Places like clubs, colleges, Burger King parking lots, and trucks are notorious for being douche-bag nests. Remember, that if you are new to douche-spotting, keep a safe distance. You don’t want to give one the opportunity to approach you, let alone make eye-contact.
I’ve personally seen some of the biggest douches at Taco Bell.
Step Two:
“Know Thy Enemy.”
You probably already have a pretty good idea of what to look for but things can sometimes be deceiving. Technically, a douche-bag can assume any form it wishes but there are three MAIN categories that they tend to stick with in order to work together.
Type 1: “The Fonzo”
Things to look for include over-gelled hair, dress shirts (especially silk), sunglasses, plenty of money, a muscular build, probably a nice car, and sunglasses. A Fonzo is a douche-bag of the highest order. They have an uncanny ability to be both a douche and successful (or just appear to be). The sad truth is that the majority of their money often comes from their parents and they are only good at pretending to be cool. Yet, there are many self-made douches out there who seem to have no trouble finding ways to make additional money. Fonzos also rarely have any problems getting laid. With enough money to avoid working all the time, they can afford to spend their time honing their womanizing skills and working out. Do NOT underestimate a Fonzo; while about half are usually clueless, some are educated and can be highly cunning. Many are even talented in some way. The ultimate tragedy about this type of d-bag is that you usually covet something they have.
(Note, the guy on the far left is actually a wanna-bee Fonzo also known as a Wanzo)
This was the best photo I could find on short notice. Notice how they are all wearing sunglasses inside. They also don’t seem to be having a very good time at that fancy restaurant. This is because nothing is ever good enough for a true Fonzo. They always get what they want and then usually don’t want it once they have it. Take special note of the beers. It would appear that they have barely touched their drinks. This is because, deep down, every Fonzo is a total pussy.
FAMOUS FONZOS:
-Frank Sinatra
-ICE MAN from Top Gun
(I have to credit Adam and Chris for coming up with “fonzo” and Adam for inventing “wanzo”.)
Type 2:
“The Typical Douche”
This is your standard ass-hat. Messy hair, a shitty half-beard, baseball cap, plain t-shirt or polo, shorts, and sandals year round are all great indicators that a typical douche is afoot. These are the guys who think it’s cool to wear pastel colored shirts everyday. This should only be the case if you are a 4 year old girl… and everyday is Easter. You can find these guys at most frat parties OR tossing a football around wherever you are trying to walk. BE AWARE that it’s often hard to tell a regular guy from a typical douche. Just because he’s wearing a plain shirt, baseball cap, and/or sandals, doesn’t necessarily make him an ass-clown… but I’d be on my toes.
Typical douches share a massive amount of traits with Fonzos, and many will eventually evolve into one. However, unlike the Fonzo, they are more than willing to consume insane amounts of alcohol causing them to become unpredictable and often violent (I am still not sure if this is their strength or weakness). Just imagine watching a documentary where a pack of monkeys goes crazy; it’s basically the same thing. They are rarely intelligent (yet are somehow rampant on college campuses) and have bad taste in almost everything. While they are not as well to do as a Fonzo, they CAN still be well funded. Typical douches are also very unpredictable and may cause physical harm to you if provoked, but rarely pose any mental threat.
FAMOUS TYPICAL DOUCHES:
-George Bush
-Anyone from Alpha Beta in Revenge of the Nerds
Type 3:
“The Lone Douche”
There isn’t really a standard “look” for the lone douche. He could be an ugly dweeb with a crustache, or he could be handsome and smooth. The only thing that unifies the Lone douche is that they all stick to themselves. This could be because nobody likes them (i.e. they stink, are annoying, etc) or because they simply have strayed from the pack. Their goal is still the same as all other douches though; they want to score with a lady and be perceived as cool. They will show up at random places and bother you or just creep you out. They often make up stories or imitate other douches to strive for coolness, but always unsuccessfully. Luckily, most people can see through the phony act and the lone douche will eventually retreat only to return a short time later. The best indicator that someone is a Lone douche is a look of desperation. This stems from the burning desire to be liked by someone. Many douches of this type become actors or comedians.
If you only see this kid at Kroger, he's normal... but if you see him where YOU work, he's a douche. The crustache is a dead giveaway.
FAMOUS LONE DOUCHES:
-Steve Urkel
-Andy Dick
-Carrot Top
Step Three
“Taking Them Down”
Most douches know that there is strength in numbers. While one may be able to bring down a girl with low self-esteem on his own, he is nearly powerless without his pack. Any self-assured person can confront a lone douche-bag if they are strong enough. Here is how you should deal with them:
1. Don’t ever lose your confidence.
2. Realize that they are weak inside.
3. Stab them in the groin like 9 times.
4. Proclaim, “Your Shit Has Been Ruined!”
5. Dance around.
6. If the rest of the pack starts to shows up, run away.
If only all scenarios were as simple…. Sadly, the only thing that can kill a Fonzo is another Fonzo. If you cut down a Fonzo, two more will rise to take his place. Your best bet is to try and pit Fonzos against each other or, better yet, himself. This may take a great deal of time and energy but, if you’re smart enough, completely possible. Find a weakness and exploit it until they break and reveal their insecurities. Continue to mentally assault them until they are exhausted and weak; eventually they will transform into a lesser douche (wanzo, typical, or lone) and you can “finish the job.”
Avoid confronting packs whenever possible. Douche Packs have few weaknesses and is more than willing to rip you a new one. But if you find yourself in the most dire of situations and end up on the bad side of a pack, try to confuse them. If you tire them out mentally, they may not even bother with you. Just start doing math outloud or bust one of the peg-games they have at the Cracker Barrel. Typical douches may even start in-fighting if you manage to get them drunk beforehand.
_________________________________________
Alright that’s all I’m writing. I’m sick with the flu or something and my medicine is making me really want to sleep.