Dear Friends...
This is part one of the adventures of two little ladies bewitched by a beautiful city.
We arrived in LaGuardia airport not expecting anything less than pure greatness from one of the most exciting, interesting, and unique cities in the country; maybe even the world. We took our first of many cab rides to our quaint little hotel on 31st street. The view from the cab window seemed promising even though my skeptical personality held me back from getting too excited. We couldn’t check in until twelve and we were about an hour and a half early so the man behind the desk told us we could store our luggage in the closet under the stairs. (The tiniest storage closet ever.)
So we set off on foot to discover the area. The air was different. In New York, every step you take is a different smell. It can go from hot dogs to sewage in about three steps. We found a little touristy shop and bout sixteen postcards. Yeah, sixteen’s a lot, but the deal was sixteen or less for a dollar. So five postcards were a dollar, and so were sixteen. I didn’t see the logic either. Then we had the Arabian man let us try on about ten different perfumes that were heavily discounted. Diana picked a Marc Jacobs, and we grabbed a couple keychains just cause that’s what tourists do. We continued down the road to the Empire State Building. The wait was ninety minutes, so we got some who-knows-what speaking boy to take our picture on the bottom floor. Then we approached fifth avenue which was beginning to look more New Yorkish. We went to Daffy’s, a department store which my boss had talked highly of, but ended up being very shitty. Then we saw H&M, which I had seen ads for for at least the last two or three years in all my magazines. The stuff in there was cute, but we didn’t want to spend all our money on clothes the first day, so we resisted. We stopped at a cute deli called “Wonder Foods” on the corner and had nine dollar sandwiches while we watched a Dominican Republic parade pass by. This was our first occurrence in which we saw a lady who obviously did not own a razor, and did not use it on her armpits!
After lunch we went to see our room with much anticipation. It was actually much better than I had expected and even though it was more or less a bed with walls around it, it was still clean and greatfully not a Holiday Inn. We threw our bags down and left again, this time turning left on Park Ave. and heading uptown. We then saw the first attractive males since our arrival and mosied on along side of them right into Grand Central Station. We lost the boys, and stared at the massive architectural masterpiece. It was amazing how intricate and yet powerful the station was. We took pictures, and then started to drool again, this time at the New York City cops standing in a row along the wall. Hotness in uniform.
We then went to a store called J. Chuckles and found our first NY deal. Shoes on sale. We bought orange flats, green loafers, and hot pink high heels. It was a really good sale, ok?
Afterwards we just happened to find an outside market. Beautiful handmade goods lined the street and we strolled down the brick covered road as a breeze blew our hair. We didn’t stay long because we were on a mission to find Times Square.
We finally found the ever-so-popular Times Square. Like a carnival for your eyes. I had never ever seen a ferris wheel in a Toys R Us before. Quite impressive, Geoffrey. So we went to eat at this place called Texas, Texas. Thought it would be cheap, but it was alright. Then we went back to what we would later call our “home away from home” to get ready to check out the big apples nightlife. We decided to head down to MacDougal Street because I had read online it was a good place to go for barhopping and it was near NYU. We took the subway, which New Yorkers call the train, to the wrong street (Astor Place) and ended up getting lost on our first night. Luckily we found some security guards that told us where to go and even though we weren’t even close, we made it there. The scene on MacDougal was nothing like anything in Tampa. It was lined with smokey, dimly lit bars and stoops to apartments that people were sitting on. The first bar we tried was called The Groove. Inside there was an all brother jazz band that was pretty much covering everything from oldies to R. Kelly. We let the waitress pick out our drinks, and I ended up with a Long Island Blue and Diana got a Red Devil. After the drinks we left to see what else MacDougal could offer us. As we walked past one of the stoops, a guy named Glenn came up to talk to us. Him and his friend Steven, which was obviously baked, made small talk and Diana ended up giving him her number just in case they knew of something we wouldn’t want to miss out on. Then we found another club/bar, 1849. Inside 1849 were burgundy velvet couches and chairs and a wood bar. We went upstairs to the loft where there was a pool table and a lot of band equiptment, with no band. Diana and I got the eerie feeling it might be a private party so we started walking down the stairs when a table of men started clapping. We had no idea what we were getting ourselves into when we approached the table of imbusals. Turns out these men from Italy were clapping because of something like we were “gracefully walking down the stairs??” They ended up following us around the bar like lost puppies for most of the night, saying idiotic things like “Show me your stomach. Italian girls show their stomachs.” Neither one of us were going to lift our shirts for Stephano or Davido or their other friends-o. After trying to hold a conversation with the Italian boredoms for long enough, we moved to the bouncer for help. Joe was the bouncer at 1849, and a true New Yorker with accent and everything. He became our bodyguard thereafter. Once the O guys left, we were approached by some other foreigners from Scottland. Maybe it was the fact that we were out on a Sunday night that brought all the non English speaking people to 1849, but we weren’t exactly enjoying it. Then a fat Scottish floppy cock called me a bitch out of nowhere and I don’t remembering even talking to him in the first place, so we had Joe escort him. Then the waiter got me a drink and said I looked like a “Cosmopolitan type” which made me feel better.
We finally caught a cab back to 31st and Diana fell asleep while I was talking to her and washing my face.
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DAY 2:
We woke up and went to “Cosi” for soup and a turkey panini. We people watched out the window while sitting in huge plush arm chairs. Then we took the train to Battery Park to see the Statue of Liberty. Luckily we ended up talking to a man who told us we needed to transfer to get to the right place. As he got off he said “Tell her I said hi.” Battery Park was a really pretty area with businessman on lunch, artists, and food vendors. I took a picture of a bum sleeping against a tree that looked more comfortable than I’ve ever been in my bed with whatever thread count sheets. We waited in line only to find out the tickets to see Lady Liberty had been sold out for hours so we made a reservation for Wednesday.
We walked until we happened upon Wall Street. There were hundreds of suits and ties hussling up and down this street. I think I spotted a few Hugo Boss’. We got as close to the New York Stock Exchange as we could, but the FBI agents and Police had it blocked off because of recent terrorist threats. The building was massive and beautifylly constructed with a enormous American flag hanging on the rear side. Then we continued until I found it. The best department store I had ever visited. The building read “Century 21; New York’s Best Kept Secret.” Except I don’t think it was much of a secret because of the mobs inside. Diana and I were dumbfounded to say the least. I bought my dad a tie and we headed for women’s shoes. The shoes seemed to be endless and there were separate floors for dress, casual, and sneakers. I think we bought a pair from each. Diana found some turquoise BCBGs, and I got some Diesels among others. Then we had to check out the clothes and that’s where I started drooling. We ended up with big baskets of clothes and shoes and found a dressing room. There was a ten minute line to get in, but there’s no way I could buy anything without trying it on so we waited not knowing that the dressing rooms weren’t any more private than changing in the middle of the store. There were no doors on the rooms. I was trying to avoid looking at the naked women but there were bras and thongs everywhere you looked, and of course it was the one day I forgot to wear a bra. We hurredly changed and I had to put a few things back because my wallet was looking slim.
Then we lugged our huge bags over to the World Trade Center…..cement block? It wasn’t what I was expecting. No more flowers or letters or anything. Just cement and a sign that told a general account of what happened. Still meaningful nevertheless.
After spending so much money, we decided to have a cheap dinner, so Di gave in to a sloppy mustard covered hot dog and I had a Blimpie turkey sandwich. Then we had to stop at a Dunkin’ Donuts to use the bathroom and Diana overflowed it. Let’s just leave it at that. We finally found the subway station and took the 6 train home.
That night we met a cute little Brooklyn boy bartending at this hole in the wall bar. Either our drinks were stronger than we thought or Sean O’Neal had a striking resembelence to Tom Cruise in Cocktails. He hooked us up with some Jager Bombs and we chatted about the city for a while. Then we were off to the China Club. We had heard a lot about this club, and were willing to pay the twenty dollar cover to see if the rumors were true.
We met some very unlike Tampa Italian boys that were promoters for the club and gave us VIP, which was cool cause then they also gave us free drinks. Saw some New York Knicks b-ball player, but that was about it for the celebrities. At one point I was dancing with an alright guy when I noticed that Diana was nowhere to be found. It freaked me out and I left the guy to dance on his own while I went to look for her. Finally, after checking the bathroom and the rooftop, called Jade Terrace, I found her sitting on a couch sipping a drink. I had almost passed out and she told me she had been watching me the whole time! Then we went back downstairs to dance some more. Some guy that looked like a lizard took some pictures of us for a New York City nightlife website. Then we bumped into some interesting guys from Sweden. They were both cute, not hot, but cute. We danced, switched guys, and then danced some more. One danced like he had A.D.D. and took speed before coming to the China Club, while the other danced like he was sleep walking. I wasn’t too impressed with either, but Di seemed to like the energizer bunny. So I ordered another drink while I waited for the swede to lose his “high.”
We finally left the club a little after four, and hung out outside battling off the guys that wanted to “show us where the good after parties where.” I bought a bottle of water from a vendor and we jumped in a cab to go back to 31st and Park. (Our usual cab stop because true New Yorkers don’t give addresses. They give intersections.)
Day 3:
We woke up just in time for lunch and went to the corner Pizza shop. We sat on barstools looking out onto the street. Then we took a train into Times Square. We wanted to catch a Broadway show, so we went to see the guy standing in front of the TCKTS hut for discounted tickets. At first the man with yellow teeth seemed very helpful and professional, but then showed more of his “I like girls half my age” side. He then went on to make small talk and tell us we were “adorable.” We let it slide, because he was also telling us which shows were good, and what they were about. Then we got in line which was about thirty minutes long and ended up getting tickets for RENT, for about fifty bucks. Then a lady handed us a free pass to see the “Tough Croud with Colin Quinn” show, so we had about an hour to spare. I really wanted to see Chinatown, so we jumped on a train and went to Canal Street.
Smells that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy permeated Canal Street, but we were on a distinct mission, and that was to find designer items for a fraction of the price! At first we didn’t see anything but perfume and plastic jewlrey. I was even getting a little discouraged until I found a young girl hunched over some belts. Not just any belts, but Louie Vuittons, Gucci, and Coach belts. I bargained a little and bought a Gucci for my brother and asked her if they had any purses. She pointed to the back of the tiny store. I went to the back and didn’t see anything until an Asian lady came out from behind some hanging shirts and grabbed my wrist. I stepped inside the back room and gawked. Purses and wallets everywhere in large cardboard boxes. I started to look through the boxes, but couldn’t find what I wanted. By that time Di had come back into the room also, and she asked the lady if she had any black Coaches. The lady put her finger up as to say one minute and then someone literally threw a black garbage bag into the room. She tore open the bag and dug through until she brought a black coach out. I paid and she threw the purse into a black bag and double knotted it. Then Diana had found a guy selling Rolex’s under a tablecloth and we went to see what he had. We ended up buying a Rolex for Diana’s boyfriend and each getting a Gucci watch. We didn’t really have a choice since the man threw the watches into our bags.
Cut to Di and I speedwalking down 53rd street trying to make it in time for Colin Quinn. I saw the famous Hello Deli from the Letterman Show on the way but had no time to go see that little asian dude that’s always on TV just for having a deli in the right place. Sweating and feeling a little dizzy, we walk up to Sony studios to stand in line for fifteen minutes. We end up in the back row, and the show pretty much sucked, but it was still an experience.
After the show we were starving and we walked down the road looking through all the possibilities. We didn’t have much time, and all the shops seamed to be selling the same thing: paninis. We stopped by a pita place, stuffed it in, and hailed a cab to take us to see RENT.
We pulled up to the Nederlander Theatre just in time. We were both exhausted, but excited about the show. Jai Rodriguez from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy was one of the main characters, and well, that was close enough to be a celeb that we were excited. The show was great, and a little surprising when Jai came out in full drag. He actually made a pretty good woman. Usually the voice gives it away, and his voice was more feminine than most of the girls I know. Go Jai! Towards the end of the show Diana and I were getting antsy. We were ready for our usual night; going out for drinks, dancing, and whatever came our way.
So we hopped on the train downtown to go back to the room. It had been a long day, and I barely noticed when Diana got up to get off at 28th Street. Thinking we were on the opposite train going uptown, I told her “Nooooo…the next one is closer. We’ll get off on 3srd.” “Noooo Ash. Come on.” We stood there arguing, me on the train, Di in the station. Then the doors shut and we both gasped simultaneously, almost Freaky Friday-like. The train pulled away and I waved to Diana through the glass. Then I turned around to about ten people staring at me. Probably also laughing at me in their head. I didn’t care because I was in a state of scared-to-death-I-don’t-know-this-city-well-enough. I got off at the next stop which was 23rd, and pretty far from Hotel 31 and Diana called me on my cell phone. “Don’t move. I’m coming over there.” Then I stood on the corner with two Puerto Rican guys, and tried to look “confident and aware of my surroundings.”
We finally made it back to the hotel and went to sleep. Colin Quinn wore us out.