This is a story I wrote tonight out of random inspiration. This is the first story I've ever really written, so if you could read it and give feedback, I'd be eternally grateful.
That was pretty cool. I hope you'll excuse the weirdness of my feedback, because it's a weird time of day, but the beginning reminded me of that opening monologue in The Twilight Zone, y'know? Rod Serling and all that. The one thing that took me out of it was the little girl. She just doesn't talk, or act, like a little girl. She reminded me more of like, Laurel, than any little girl I've ever known. And a question: have you considered first person? I think it might contribute to the mystery of it all, and make the various interactions a little more connected to one another. It's good stuff though, I like the line about the toes :)
Actually, now that you mention it, the opening is kinda like Twilight Zone. I didn't even intend to do it. As for the little girl, I agree, she's not girl-ish enough, but I think that comes from the problem that I don't know how to think like a little girl. I'll work on it, but on the other hand, the intellect of the child seems kinda counterintuitive and ironic... but I'll work on her actions. I actually haven't thought about first person, and I'll work on that next time. Thanks a bunch!
that was so cool i loved it lol. not going to lie, though. some of the absurdities like, "well, it all started with a cantaloupe", and "i wish i had toes to wiggle" made me laugh way too much to stay in the solemn mood required by a piece such as this. but yeah, if i wasn't such a retard/immature baby, i'd give it 5 stars! lol
Haha thanks. I put those lines in there to give it some comic relief... kinda like a David Lynch film. That's actually what I was mainly going for- David Lynch + Wim Wenders.
The cantaloupe and the toe wiggling I could take, but the goo threw me off. Also, for some reason the purple polka-dot dress bothered me. Also also, since I'm nitpicky... does the businessman have 3 hands? Or is he just holding the phone between, like, his face and his shoulder like people do when they don't have any free hands? Also also also, I think you need to add in a rebellious teenager. *nods*
See, I really have no reason why the dress or the goo should throw you off. Troubled childhood, perhaps? Tell me about your mother.
Anyway, I was thinking the businessman would hold the phone with his shoulder, although it would be humorously absurd to have the businessman with 9 or 10 arms, each doing something different. And I agree with the rebellious teenager, I think I need one of those and something to personify Gaia.
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Thanks a bunch!
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Anyway, I was thinking the businessman would hold the phone with his shoulder, although it would be humorously absurd to have the businessman with 9 or 10 arms, each doing something different. And I agree with the rebellious teenager, I think I need one of those and something to personify Gaia.
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