Sometimes, I really don’t know how to say I love you
Rating: NC 17
Pairing: Homin (Seme Ho/Uke min)
Genre : Angst , Bittersweet Ending
Warnings : This fic contain of sex, rape, violence, blood, physical and psychological trauma after the rape, mental disorders.
Unbeta-ed
If you kind of nazi grammar or “those” shippers (who hates homin pairing), I advice you to run away as far as you can because there were so many grammatical error in this fanfic, and this fanfic only contains of homin (Yunho & Changmin).
I’ve given you clear warning and if you still read this story you know you won’t like and be offended by, you desperately need a life dude. Because it’s entirely your decision!
If anyone willing to beta my fanfic, please inform me
; __ ;
Summary:
Changmin was raped by his best friends, yunho. He was ashamed, angry, and confused. Among those feelings, he just wants to get back at yunho and get revenge.
It's too long that's why i cut this fic into two part
Chapter 2a/2
*
Betrayal
Changmin open his eyes, his mind still hazy, still confused at what just happened.
”No yunho! Please” he begged “Please, don’t do this to me!”
The pain is terrible and unfamiliar as the memories flooding his mind. He shut his eyes as he begins to cry. He was too confused. Why? He talk almost like a whisper to himself, his voice was hollow and betrayed. He didn’t understood, why yunho rape him.
“I love you changmin, I really love you”
It’s not love! It can’t be love. No one will hurt the one he love. He really wanted to shut his eyes and hoping that it was just nightmare.
*
The air in the room was heavy, filled with sorrow. Yunho took a few steps into the room, approaching changmin. His friends, lying on his side, knees drawn to his chest like a child. He’s taking a moment to simply staring at changmin with pained, unsure expression, the sight of changmin, so dead and unfeeling. Yunho sat on the edge of the bed, changmin acknowledge his friends presence as the whole mattress dipping under his weight.
“No” he whispers. “Don’t touch me” His voice was weak and rasping.
“C-changmin, I.. “
“Get out!” changmin shrieked, his body couldn’t stop shaking and the scene kept replaying in his mind. Yunho could see the panic in his friends eyes, in his face, and it twisted his heart to know that it was him who caused it. He tried to reach out to touch him, but the move was enough for changmin to getting more hysterical.
Changmin head is spinning, he sits down abruptly. He flinches as a sudden pain struck through him, a painful reminder of the rape. He steps away from yunho, knees shaking as he tries to straighten himself up, he was having great difficulty walking.
“Let me help you” yunho said as he quickly moved to changmin’s side and put a hand on his shoulder.
“Don’t touch me!” he shouted as he turned, slap delivered squarely to yunho’s face. He’s clenching his hands into fists, and walks stiffly.
Changmin’s panting turned into heavy, tortured sobs, each more wretched that the last, his legs unable to bear supporting him any longer, he put his arms out on to the table to steady himself as his body gave away.
“Take me home” he whispered, his voice bewildered and anguished “Please, take me home” he said empty and broken.
Yunho held his breath, unable to move or think or do anything beyond succumb to the waves of shame and guilty, tears falling down his face.
*
Changmin walks as fast as his could through his house, his footsteps echoing on the wall. Thankfully, at this hour no one in his house wake up yet. He locks himself into the bathroom, and strips out his clothing.
He unbuttons his shirt with hands that won’t stop trembling, his fingers twisting in the cloth. Changmin can feel blood between his legs as he pulls out his pants, the sensation bringing about a fresh wave of shame. Changmin fights back the tears, he drown in his own grief, scared, confused, it was enough for him to realize how ashamed he was.
The water was cold, he winced and hugged his arms to his chest for a moment as he shivered. All he wants to do is to wiping away of every last evidence of the rape, changmin scrubs his skin so hard it bleeds in parts. But he knows, though how many times he scrubs it, how many times washes it, he knows he will never be clean.
*
Shattered
Changmin skipped school for days. He has high fever and another more sickness plaguing him, his mother asked him to see the doctor but he refused. After that dark memory, he was afraid that the doctor will find out about the rape if he examines him.
He doesn’t want anybody to know. It such an insult, prove that he was too weak to prevent himself from being raped. Changmin was certain he would be accused as such. He wondered how they viewed him, what kinds of opinions around him if they know.
He shook his head. No. No one needs to know about it.
He try to get up from the bed, but he can feel the exhaustion in his body as he try to stand up, he feels weak, body drained out of energy, changmin winces as he hits the floor.
“Changmin?” comes his mother voice a few seconds later, changmin reach the edge of the bed to help him stand before she steps into view.
“I’m fine mom” Changmin says calmly, feeling horrible that he lied to his mother. He sits on the side of the bed.
“You need to see doctor changmin” his mother insisted. Changmin shake his head.
“It’s nothing mom”
“Four days” she said again “You’ve been like this for four days, you’re not getting better changmin” His mother sits beside him and places a palm against his forehead.
“I’m getting better, the fever is gone now”
“Something bad happened to you changmin, I know it”
The words brought tears to his eyes once more, he really wants to scream, to cry in his mother shoulder, to tell her of what had happened to him, that he was raped, he was broken beyond repair.
“I’m tired mom” is all he says in response, changmin hold back himself from crying, he wouldn’t cry over it. Despite his mother protest, she helps changmin to lie down, pulling the blanket to cover him.
“I’m worry about you my son” she says quietly, meeting changmin’s eyes before she shut the door. Changmin shuts his eyes and doesn’t even need to put on an act as true tiredness washes over him.
*
The feeling hits changmin as suddenly bile rising in his throat. He pushes the blanket and slipping from the bed. Changmin holds his breath, he runs to the bathroom and expelling all contains of his stomach.
His stomach clenches as another bout of illness washes over him. He grips at the white of the toilet bowl, and throwing out once more until nothing more left inside him. He getting up his knees and goes to the sink. His head is dizzy and hand can’t stop shake, he runs the water, pouring some water over his face.
Changmin takes a deep breaths, he tugs a towel from a hook on the wall and wipes his face and mouth. He exhales shakily as his stomach eventually settle, he gives a glance up at the mirror, the reflection of him, look at him with shame and agony on his face. Changmin buried his face in his palms and let out a stifled, anguished cry without restraint. He let himself cry, breath shuddering as his tears fell.
*
Let me suffer in silence
Yunho stood outside changmin classroom and waited, he saw changmin coming to school after days skipped the class. He held his breath as the class over, other students walked past him and not noticing what yunho was doing in their class.
Yunho slipped into the class and saw changmin there, he looked utterly exhausted with his brow furrowed and tense, dark circles lying under his eyes. He knew, if changmin seeing him right now could awaken something twisted and awful, the reasons of changmin’s fear and anxiety of his presence is clear to yunho.
But he felt so helpless, he knew pursuing him would only make matters worse, but he need to talk with changmin. He needs to see changmin.
“Changmin” yunho voice remains calm, mostly.
Changmin instantly looked up, he’s freezing, breath locked in his chest as he squeezed his own hands tightly. Anger rise in him, the more his mind began to twist, consumed by tormenting memory. Shame and fear mixed with anger as he stared at yunho. Changmin’s hand formed in tight fists and every muscle tensed, causing him to shake violently. He was aware that yunho trying to touch his shoulder.
“Don’t touch me!” he barked, he slammed his fist to yunho’s face, knocking him to the ground and keep beating him, ignoring the screams from the girls in his class.
He straddling yunho and drew back his fist and slammed it into yunho’s face as hard as he could until it was a bloody mess. Yunho did nothing beneath him, he accepted every punch changmin strike across his face.
Changmin felt hands on his arms, pulling him back till he was dragged away from yunho who still lying on the floor. His two classmates held him, changmin tried to break free, but they held him tightly. They locking eyes each other, yunho looked in shock and horror.
Changmin pointed a shaking finger at yunho.
“You! You betrayed me!” he said, his voice getting louder “I trust you! But you betrayed me! You break me into pieces!”
“Mr Shim!” his homeroom teacher yelled, he walked through the messes. His classmates face looked terrifying, changmin was vaguely aware that a crowd was gathering around him, but he didn’t care. His teacher bent down to help yunho sit up.
“Take him to infirmary” His teacher asked two students to help him. They assisted yunho, pulling his arms over their shoulder, yunho keep clutching at his bloody nose, he looking weakly at changmin before he shifted his gaze away, now filled with shame.
“I need to talk with you” his teacher looked at changmin. “Now”
Changmin hissed, trying to push past the crowd, he finding his way blocked. A death glare from him, overtook his classmates to have absolute panic, they step away from changmin.
*
They reached teacher room, though they walked side by side, but no words spoken between them.
“Mr Shim?” his teacher motioned to the chair, waiting in front of his desk. Changmin furiously bitting his lip, he’s breathing heavily in a vain attempt not to cry. Changmin felt uneasy, all he wanted to do is escape from here and locked himself in his bedroom.
“Now, if I’m not mistaken, you and Mr Jung quite close, am I right?”
“Yes” it wasn’t exactly a lie, they were friends.
His teacher, Mr Gye Du Shik, raised his eyes brow “Do you have problem with him Mr Jung?” Changmin looked down, he had no words and his voice was lost but nodded hesitantly.
“You’re telling me Mr Shim, that you did beat him, because these personal matter in anyway? You, perhaps wants to tell me the problem?”
Changmin bit his lip, he wants to tell him more than anything, to have someone to help bear his pain. The truth, that he had been held down, that he was raped by yunho, his best friends, the noble students of this school.
Changmin shuts his eyes and buried his face in his palms.
“Mr Shim?”
Tell anyone wouldn’t help me at all
Just let me suffer in silence
Changmin breathed, voice ready to crack at any second “We fought, because yunho date the girl I love.” Changmin continued, his voice still oddly strangled “I.. felt like he cheated on me”
Mr Gye Du Shik nodded, looking very thoughtful. For a moment he stared at changmin, trying to work the right words of choosing a response which wouldn’t hurt the boy, because all this time, changmin known as good boy, he never hurts people and always polite with everyone around him.
His immoral behavior confused him, changmin, might kill yunho if their classmates didn’t separate them.
He started to wonder, the truth behind changmin words, he doubted that one girl can change one good boy into vicious human. But love- isn’t it blind everyone?
“Very well. Thank you, Mr Shim, I greatly appreciate your honesty and cooperation” changmin recognized that soon he gonna be dismissed, he ready to get up from his seat.
“However..” changmin slowly lowered himself back into the chair.
“I’m sure you noticed the rule on this school, for what you did to Mr Jung is wrong. Beat someone is not the right reason to solve your problem” Changmin eventually nodded.
“I need to punish you for what you did, you’re suspend from school for a week.”
“Y-yes” he repeated, voice still soft but gaining strength as he spoke.
“Very good. I hope in time you can learn how to control your emotion. You may leave Mr Shim”
Changmin got to his feet uncertainly, nodded again and began to shuffle towards the door.
“Whenever you want to talk, you can come to me Mr Shim” Changmin was taken back by the knowing look in his teacher’s eye, that he wasn’t told him the truth. He shivered all over, his head slightly dizzy.
“I -I will, thank you” He nodded politely, turning and walking the final steps to the door. He turned the knob, pushed it and run once more.
*
This is bliss
For days, he suspended from school, changmin spent his times sat in his room. He thanked his parents for not asking him further about the reason why he suspended. He turned off his phone, and never let his friends come to see him. He was tired of being question for his latest fought with yunho.
Time is all he needs to heal himself.
At first, it seemed to be okay, he filled his time with watching basketball match video, or just sleep whole day. But now, changmin barely slept, every time he lay on his bed, he thought he could feel someone crawling next to him.
Every time he shut his eyes, he started to remember for what yunho had done to him, the way he had held him, took him unwillingly, and the pain when he had been taken, still felt so real, like it was happening again and he felt his heart start to pound.
He wanted to wake up, to find that this whole awful memory was just a night mare, just a dream that had taken a bad, dark turn. Changmin would wake up, he and yunho would be normal, best friends again, like they had before. Best friends who cared and trusted one another.
But the reality told him that this was not so. Suddenly anger filled him. He hated yunho. He hated everything he had caused, everything he had done to him.
Changmin keep his eyes open, he spent many hours sat by the window, looking at the sky from his room.
“You must eat changmin” his mother said.
“I’m not hungry” he replied.
“You look so thinned, it clear enough that you loose your weight”
“I am not hungry” he said again, with just a hint of anger in his voice.
“Changmin-“ his mother protested.
“I SAID I’M NOT HUNGRY!!!” he said, slamming his hand against the wall. His mother startled of the violence of his son outburst. Changmin glared at her “I just need- to be alone” his voice is warning that mixed with rage as he gazed at his mother.
Knowing this, his mother backed away, tears welled in her eyes she looking desperate and helpless watching her son lost days by days without knowing the reason why.
Changmin thoughts ran wild with him, all this hatred for yunho consumed him. He’s getting easier to get angry. He didn’t mean to shout at his mother, he doesn’t know what has come over him. He couldn’t breathe, it feel like there was no air in the room.
He shouted, desperate, crying for his life. He tried to block what had happened from his mind, but it didn’t work. Changmin wishes that he could stop the tears from flowing, wishes more than anything that he could stop himself from being so weak, so pathetic, but the tears always come anyway.
He had finally run out of tears and stop crying. Changmin rolled up his left sleeve, and picked the razor near the table. He set his sights on the razor and examines it closely. He then sank the razor into his flesh without hesitation. His movements calculated and almost slow, he drew it along the soft skin of the inside of his forearm. Changmin watched as the blood welled from deep within the cut, he drew the razor down his skin again.
Every cut give him new feeling of being relief as everything else slipped away and this was the only thing that can make him forget. He sat on the floor and closed his eyes.
Changmin could feel his blood flowing from his skin, it felt so warm. He never felt this warmth before. He really want to laugh, his life is such a joke. He had been betrayed by the closest person he could claim as friends. Yunho raped him, humiliated him. He’s watching the razor cut his skin apart as more blood started to flow he breathed another sigh of relief.
This is his new ways to forget the rape, whenever he was distressed or upset, he will cut his skin with the razor, it had become too much of a habit to stop.
This is bliss.
*
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