life looks very bleak at the moment
Its about 1:30 in the morning, I've been just lying in bed for the past two hours staring at the ceiling. I have so much going on in my head about my future and how much I'm terrified of it. I have a final project that I can't get the determination to do. I'd rather download trivial things than do what is needed to perform in classes. I know I need to do things, but when I'm sitting there at studio or in front of my computer, its random websites that I mess around with. First it was fanfics, then it was manga, then it was anime, now its a certain groups of singing cuties. I know I have a lot to do, and I'm just really lazy. I have no drive to do anything that might benefit my future. I should be looking for jobs. Heh, I have to be employed quite soon, but I have no ambition to go out and write emails or letters for interview or just talk. We have a job fair this Thursday and I'm thinking up all the reasons why it would be a "waste of my time" I don't want to work in Texas, and pretty much the only firms that will be there are Texas based. The firms that do have other offices across the nation, the people will be like "you might want to talk to the other offices if you want to look for employment there, I can't really help you" I have done nothing to improve my portfolio so I'll just be with old projects. I'm doing the same exact thing from last year when I really didn't get started with finding summer work until it was quite late in the semester and caused myself quite a bit of stress. I have this professionalism class, and I start thinking about my career and I'm completely insecure in my abilities and working skills that I almost break down crying whenever the class is through. I want to say screw it and run away where I won't have these burdens. Where I can live carefree and do whatever I want, no responsibilities... yet when I daydream, I want to be a successful business woman in the middle of a great city doing design and living a modern posh life. *with my posh foreign(possibly asian changmin or english) husband and beautiful children :P* AND I KNOW I CAN'T GET THIS IF I'M GOING TO SIT IN A RUT AND NOT DO MY CLASSES.. but you know what.. I know there are people who have it MUCH worse than me, so I'm just a whiny little brat and that makes me feel like crap.. I'm again at that point where I don't want to talk to my mother because all she does is remind me of my impending doom of a future and asks what the hell I'm gonna do and that I should change my attitude and lectures so on.. she sees that I'm being lazy and nonproductive so that is why she bugs me, but I get so angry to listen to her BECAUSE I KNOW I'M SCREWING UP MY LIFE, but I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT, and WHY CAN'T SHE BE CARING AND GIVE ME HUGS AND KISSES RATHER THAN SCORNFUL WORDS??? Would it be neat to disappear? just leave this all behind and start anew? I really don't know what else to say other than I'm a stupid little brat that wants to crawl into a ball and tell the world to leave me alone
My apologies for the whining, I'm just not happy with myself and don't have an ounce of enthusiasm to change
With that said.. I'm going to skip my weekly meeting with my committee chair and maybe push it to Wednesday.. yes, GO ME!