Beneath the beautiful blue sky, We were just a little afraid
Well. Something's happened, or rather, something's changed. I have a huge life changing decision to make.
I found out a few weeks ago that I am about four, maybe five and a bit weeks pregnant. The father is a man I have been in love with for the last three odd years. We're finally together and I am so happy that he is finally mine, but now we may well have a child together, I'm scared things will change. Of course they will. It's a child, not a puppy or a kitten, it's our flesh and blood. Our child. At the moment it's not a fully fledged human being, it's little more than cells, so I still have the option of... well, getting rid of it.
I've been trying to weigh out the options; if I have the baby it'll mean my life will be dedicated to it, I will have to work really hard to getting a job (no force under the great blue sky well get me to be a bloody housewife! I'm going to a breadwinner, my mum always was Goddammit) and everything I do will become part of my baby's life. Most of my finances will go towards it, I won't really be able to go to a pub with a small baby, what with everyone smoking and drinking. I'll have to think about (assuming it's a girl) her crying at night, whether she'll be comforted when I sing to her to get her to sleep, her diet, her hospital trips for vaccinations, toys, clothes, friends, her grandparents, her being safe, her first accident when she falls from the swings and cuts herself, taking her to nursery and then school, yelling at her for being naughty, being on the Governors, taking her to school trips and fetes, watching her come home crying from school because the other kids make her life miserable and telling her that school lasts five years and the rest of your life is so much longer and everything's going to be fine. Watching her make the eact mistakes I did and telling her that I'm her mother and I'll care and support her. And kick the crap out of her anyone who messes with her.
Can I really do all this? What if she's disabled? What if I can't cope? What if I have to watch her go to hospital because of her burst appendix (it runs in the family, but I managed to avoid it so far)? What if people think I'm a fucking awful mother? What if I am?!
But... something tells me I'll love her. Whatever happens. I would. My Mum loves me, even when I'm completely different from her, when I annoy the heck out of her, she's my Mum. She loves me. I'm no different, I love my family and I'd love my daughter or my son. They'd be my flesh and blood. My kin, my life.
What'll happen between me and her father? Will we stay together? I love him so much and I wanted him for so long and I wanted things to work between us before we had kids. I wanted us to be a couple first. My friend got engaged to a man who she thought was the one, they had only been together two months. We haven't even got THAT far! They ended it and broke up. We're really not ready for this. I can see how afraid he is at this. I'm not sure I can burden him with this.
I don't want things to end between me and him. I don't. God's sake I worked so hard for it! I love him so much! He said he supports my descisions, and will be there whatever I do, but I know he's scared. I know deep down he'd be an amazing dad. He'd be the Dad outside school in his Army Surplus vechicle. He'd be the Dad who bought his son/daughter little Doc Martins or little combat boots. He'd read to them and play with them. They'd get his eyes, his beautiful brown eyes and his smile. He'd hold their hand and tell them that he'd never let them down if he could help it. He'd stay there and be their Dad.
He'd love them. I know that. And he loves me. I know it. I don't doubt it.
Having said all this, my family know and they'll be there the whole time. My mum said she'll look after her (all assuming that she's a girl, but my Nan had five boys and I am very much like her), she'll be there to help me when I'm finishing college. It'll arrive in April which will be my Easter holidays and then I'll have one more term till I leave. It's a tough year, but with a pregnancy it'll be easy to get help from my loving, supportive boyfriend, my friends, my family and from myself. We're not a rich family, but we aren't poor either. We're capable of supporting a baby if need be. Hell, we bought a new car which was pretty expensive, and Mum does a dozen jobs and so does Dad. I could sell some of my stuff to save up a bit more. This could work out fine in the end.
But God. I'm so scared. I can't make my mind up. I can't just say 'I'm going to keep it' or 'I'm going to have an abortion'. That'd make it final. I still have time, till my 24th week till I have to make a descision.
But... my gut instinct is that I want to be a mother. I want to have this little baby. But I don't know if that'd be the right thing. Can I provide a life for this baby? Can I make sure it'll all be okay?
Good God. This is huge.
But I feel better for getting it off my chest. And now Passion by Utada Hikaru means so much to me. It's such a beautiful song. Blah.
I've stopped crying now. It's cool.
I found out a few weeks ago that I am about four, maybe five and a bit weeks pregnant. The father is a man I have been in love with for the last three odd years. We're finally together and I am so happy that he is finally mine, but now we may well have a child together, I'm scared things will change. Of course they will. It's a child, not a puppy or a kitten, it's our flesh and blood. Our child. At the moment it's not a fully fledged human being, it's little more than cells, so I still have the option of... well, getting rid of it.
I've been trying to weigh out the options; if I have the baby it'll mean my life will be dedicated to it, I will have to work really hard to getting a job (no force under the great blue sky well get me to be a bloody housewife! I'm going to a breadwinner, my mum always was Goddammit) and everything I do will become part of my baby's life. Most of my finances will go towards it, I won't really be able to go to a pub with a small baby, what with everyone smoking and drinking. I'll have to think about (assuming it's a girl) her crying at night, whether she'll be comforted when I sing to her to get her to sleep, her diet, her hospital trips for vaccinations, toys, clothes, friends, her grandparents, her being safe, her first accident when she falls from the swings and cuts herself, taking her to nursery and then school, yelling at her for being naughty, being on the Governors, taking her to school trips and fetes, watching her come home crying from school because the other kids make her life miserable and telling her that school lasts five years and the rest of your life is so much longer and everything's going to be fine. Watching her make the eact mistakes I did and telling her that I'm her mother and I'll care and support her. And kick the crap out of her anyone who messes with her.
Can I really do all this? What if she's disabled? What if I can't cope? What if I have to watch her go to hospital because of her burst appendix (it runs in the family, but I managed to avoid it so far)? What if people think I'm a fucking awful mother? What if I am?!
But... something tells me I'll love her. Whatever happens. I would. My Mum loves me, even when I'm completely different from her, when I annoy the heck out of her, she's my Mum. She loves me. I'm no different, I love my family and I'd love my daughter or my son. They'd be my flesh and blood. My kin, my life.
What'll happen between me and her father? Will we stay together? I love him so much and I wanted him for so long and I wanted things to work between us before we had kids. I wanted us to be a couple first. My friend got engaged to a man who she thought was the one, they had only been together two months. We haven't even got THAT far! They ended it and broke up. We're really not ready for this. I can see how afraid he is at this. I'm not sure I can burden him with this.
I don't want things to end between me and him. I don't. God's sake I worked so hard for it! I love him so much! He said he supports my descisions, and will be there whatever I do, but I know he's scared. I know deep down he'd be an amazing dad. He'd be the Dad outside school in his Army Surplus vechicle. He'd be the Dad who bought his son/daughter little Doc Martins or little combat boots. He'd read to them and play with them. They'd get his eyes, his beautiful brown eyes and his smile. He'd hold their hand and tell them that he'd never let them down if he could help it. He'd stay there and be their Dad.
He'd love them. I know that. And he loves me. I know it. I don't doubt it.
Having said all this, my family know and they'll be there the whole time. My mum said she'll look after her (all assuming that she's a girl, but my Nan had five boys and I am very much like her), she'll be there to help me when I'm finishing college. It'll arrive in April which will be my Easter holidays and then I'll have one more term till I leave. It's a tough year, but with a pregnancy it'll be easy to get help from my loving, supportive boyfriend, my friends, my family and from myself. We're not a rich family, but we aren't poor either. We're capable of supporting a baby if need be. Hell, we bought a new car which was pretty expensive, and Mum does a dozen jobs and so does Dad. I could sell some of my stuff to save up a bit more. This could work out fine in the end.
But God. I'm so scared. I can't make my mind up. I can't just say 'I'm going to keep it' or 'I'm going to have an abortion'. That'd make it final. I still have time, till my 24th week till I have to make a descision.
But... my gut instinct is that I want to be a mother. I want to have this little baby. But I don't know if that'd be the right thing. Can I provide a life for this baby? Can I make sure it'll all be okay?
Good God. This is huge.
But I feel better for getting it off my chest. And now Passion by Utada Hikaru means so much to me. It's such a beautiful song. Blah.
I've stopped crying now. It's cool.