(no subject)
"Amen" the preacher said behind fake emotion...
She looked up and saw the dusty smiles and broken hearts fall all around her. The stained glass windows were in need of a good wipe down. the preacher continued on with his sermon. she quietly prayed to herself, after all it was a church.
"dear God. hey. how's it going? yeh i bet you are just peachy fucking up there with no problems. meanwhile i'm here in this rotting stink hole of an earth. so why don't you save me? why don't you fucking save me? my point exactly...you can't. noone can. go help the starving you douche. go house the homeless you dirty ho bag. fuck,fuck.fuck,FUCK! WHY THE FUCK DON'T YOU HELP?! i just don't get you, ya know? i just can't accept the fact that there might be help out there but we aren't gettting it. so yeah. amen."
the choir sang out and their marshmellow sounding voice filled the crowded but airy church house. the sanctuary smeeled of old lady perfume and new laether bibles. the smell made her sick. every Sunday she came here to sit and listen and learn. never did she enjoy it never did she refuse it either. she brushed the hair from her eyes and concentrated on the cross on the hymnal in front of her. and she thought..."if i was jesus i think i would have called angels to save me. why would i want to die for the peope who killed me?"
she hated it when she started thinking things like this. she wanted to believe in God, and wanted to think there was a better place, a heaven. afte death. but so many things didn't add up.
the preacher paused and asked for silence to pray before offering.
"dear father...." yada yada yada she thought. why even pay attention. how were they to know if he was even listening. have faith they say...jump off a fucking cliff blindfolded and be not afraid because someone told you to have faith. have faith that there's a net to catch you...then hit the ground and splatter your brains all over the fucking bottom.. then what good does fucking faith do you then? faith is as believeable as fucking time travel...which is bullshit in itself. "...amen"
the cold matel dish went around in the pews and people systematically placed dollar bills and loose change in the center. the clinking sound of metal againt metal was barely heard over the piano playing a melody that made your ears sick and heavy and eyelids droop. she coughed to wake herself up. an old couple glared in her direction. she flipped them off and walked out of the church. she felt all eyes on her as she made her way towards the exit.
her footsteps were heavy and her soul empty. she watched her breath curl like smoke in the crisp frostbitten fall air. this was always her favorite time of year. she liked the cold, it let her sleep better, quieter. she liked the feeling of dead she got when she fell asleep cold. she envied the deceased, they were so peaceful and silently gorgeous. her eyes were stinging form the tears running down her face. she didnt bother wiping them away, she was only half-aware of them anyways. she thought about all her information about everything she has ever learned and came down to a harsh but honest truth...she was faithless.