(no subject)
Thinking a lot lately. Been too tired to do much else than sleep, and dream and think. I feel like there's this carousel, and it's a constant circle of hate and love and apathy and hate and love and apathy and something else.
L..living with Maria is so different to what was. Daddy would have hated her. Mama would have hated her. I was never allowed to be friends with people like Maria. Sometimes I'm afraid of her, because she's so different to what I've known. Sometimes the old thoughts come back, and I have to tell them to go away. She'll 'influence me'.
She doesn't want me to be afraid of anything, anymore. I..want her help, but I think I'm scared of it. I...It's stupid.
I've had bad thoughts recently. Thoughts where I disappear, and cease to be a burden anymore. Despite everything that people have done for me. Am...I ungrateful? Is there something wrong with me? I...I don't know. I feel so lost.
She talks to me sometimes. Maria. And it makes me happy to talk to her because she's so confident and I'm...me. Would she be disappointed to see me thinking this way? Would...they all?
I don't want to be a burden. Might be better to crawl into a hole.