don'tcha just love it when I have clear outs? *g* - smears
Smear Test
By British Comedian Ben Elton
Of course God's a man, you only have to look at the smear test for evidence of that...
Oh yes, we notice that when God was working out the plumbing of the two sexes, it was not men
who were destined to hear, once a year, that terrifying phrase,"KNEES APART, KEEP YOUR
BOTTOM DOWN". Which means an ice cold duck-billed torpedo is about to be shoved up your
vagina...
Of course God's a man, cos we notice, women know that phrase, men don't know it but if you go up
behind a woman and say "Knees apart, keep your bottom down," they go "AHHH, no, keep away!"
The most terrifying phrase in medicine. The Doctor says, "Knees apart, keep your bottom down, I
am about to drive something not too dissimilar to a Ford Cortina up your fanny."
Of course God's a man. We notice it's not the blokes who find themselves lying prostrate, in the
surgery, in the least dignified position in medicine. Sometimes your bloody legs are in the stirrups,
it's not just your front bottom, it's your back bottom too, there for all to see. You can see a doctor
between your legs, and the bastard is trying to make conversation, he says, "So and what do you
do for a living?" You say, "It doesn't matter, just scrape my fanny and piss off!"
Oh I understand there's some men out there saying, "Come on Ben, a lot of these doctors are
women, you can't blame it all on the blokes can you?" Oh yes, there's plenty of women doctors, but
they all turn into doctor Frankenstein when it comes to the smear test, they lope across the
surgery, you can see them through your legs and they unlock the Cold Cabinet, eeeeeheee,
ladies, you can see him dragging out the duck-billed torpedo, he's chipping the ice off it, chip, chip,
chip. He says "I'll just warm it up for you," he, he, he, He's bolting it together like that rifle Edward
Fox uses in 'The Day of the Jackal', he goes, schlong, ding, flang, bring in the second support
structure, there's our fanny, up it goes, up it goes, ladies, and just as it seems it has nowhere
further it can go, when every nook and cranny of your intimate plumbing has been stuffed to
bursting point with ice cold metal, click, out come these extending arms and force the walls apart,
up goes the probe. I swear they use the same technology they use on the Channel Tunnel, you
keepexpecting a little French man to come out, "'Allo my friend, 'allo."
He's got you on the slab, your knees are in the air, his head's between your legs, he's got his
probe up ya, his hand's halfway up your muff, he looks you in the eye and says, "Oh, Please try
and relax..."
Bastard!
Finally he drags it out, and that's a lovely moment when out it comes, as you do an enormous
fanny fart as it comes out... Brrrrrrrrrruuuuuhh. "Don't worry, that happens to everyone..." "I don't
fucking care about anyone else, my fanny just farted at a complete stranger!"
He wipes it on his jeans in a cavalier fashion, schlong, ding, flank, hurls it in a kidney dish, he
says, "Now, would you like me to examine your breasts?" "Oh certainly doctor, after the caring way
you handled my fanny, I can't wait for you to get started on my knockers... what's the first move
then? Sugar tongs on the nipples? You'll love that won't you!"
Now, I know there's a little bit, could be a bit too far, some people thinking, "Fanny fart, oooh, yes,"
but I think it's important to do this. I don't do it for the women, in fact I apologise, women thinking, "I
don't want to hear this, I've got to do this tomorrow." I do it for the blokes, cos the lads don't know,
women know, but of course not all women know. Look, I have to do this, I always do this, even
though my audience is a bit older now, the Young Ones was ten years ago, there may be some
young women in the Audience tonight who have not as yet had a smear test and now have no
intention of havingone.
Well, you got to go, OK, it's very important, it's not all that bad. Well, it is, BUT it's very important,
you got to go, OK. Girls going home saying, "Mum, Ben Elton says they park a Ford Cortina up
your fanny!" You got to go...
But if it makes you feel any better, if you've got a boyfriend at the time, make sure he knows what
you're going through, it's important that women should tell men what they're going through, cos it's
all garnished, it's all lied about. I mean I don't subscribe to the opinion of a woman I met in
Montreal, who said as she reckoned the woman who had a smear test, if she had a boyfriend at the
time, should go home and stick a cocktail stick down his dick... I think we can take right on a little
right off. I think the threat is sufficient, I mean, I heard that a year ago and my bollocks are still
aching...
But none the less, I think men should know. I'm 34 now and I'm probably quite a lot older than a lot
of people in this audience and I basically now know the mechanics of a smear test, but 10 years
ago, I was 24, I was a grown up man, I didn't know. I knew what one was for, of course, I knew how
important they were, and I thought I knew what happened, but I was wrong, cos what I thought
happened was, I'm gonna tell you, it's a bit embarrassing, but as I say I think there's a kind of
warmth here, cos what I thought happened was...(Mimes pulling his pants down, quick wipe, pants
up... see video)
Well you would do wouldn't you. I bet a lot of women thought that. You never expected a duck-
billed torpedo! Bit of cotton wool, give it a wipe, test that doc, see ya. Again, language disguises
reality, again linguistic garnish, it's called a smear test isn't it, it's not called a "build a scaffolding
rig up your fanny" test is it?
I'll tell you the day I found out, that wasn't a good day for me, A BAD DAY. I was sat at home in the
kitchen, my girlfriend comes home, she's giving it the old Charlie Chaplin walk. I said, "What are
you walking like that for?"
She said, "I've had a smear test, FUCK OFF YOU BASTARD."
I went, "Well sorry, pardon me for being a bloke, come on it's just a
quick rub isn't it?"
She turned into Jack Nicholson in 'The Shining', she grabbed the knife,
it was "AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" I crept home 3 hours later, you know when you've fucked
up. She said, "SIT DOWN, I'm gonna tell you what happens in a smear test."
So I sat down, and she started to tell me, and when I came round again she carried on. I said,
"What up ya?" She said, "Right up ya, and what's more he uses all KY Jelly on his hand, and it all
gets smeared all over your fanny, so you stick to the bus seat on the way home."
So I concluded from this that God must be a man..
By British Comedian Ben Elton
Of course God's a man, you only have to look at the smear test for evidence of that...
Oh yes, we notice that when God was working out the plumbing of the two sexes, it was not men
who were destined to hear, once a year, that terrifying phrase,"KNEES APART, KEEP YOUR
BOTTOM DOWN". Which means an ice cold duck-billed torpedo is about to be shoved up your
vagina...
Of course God's a man, cos we notice, women know that phrase, men don't know it but if you go up
behind a woman and say "Knees apart, keep your bottom down," they go "AHHH, no, keep away!"
The most terrifying phrase in medicine. The Doctor says, "Knees apart, keep your bottom down, I
am about to drive something not too dissimilar to a Ford Cortina up your fanny."
Of course God's a man. We notice it's not the blokes who find themselves lying prostrate, in the
surgery, in the least dignified position in medicine. Sometimes your bloody legs are in the stirrups,
it's not just your front bottom, it's your back bottom too, there for all to see. You can see a doctor
between your legs, and the bastard is trying to make conversation, he says, "So and what do you
do for a living?" You say, "It doesn't matter, just scrape my fanny and piss off!"
Oh I understand there's some men out there saying, "Come on Ben, a lot of these doctors are
women, you can't blame it all on the blokes can you?" Oh yes, there's plenty of women doctors, but
they all turn into doctor Frankenstein when it comes to the smear test, they lope across the
surgery, you can see them through your legs and they unlock the Cold Cabinet, eeeeeheee,
ladies, you can see him dragging out the duck-billed torpedo, he's chipping the ice off it, chip, chip,
chip. He says "I'll just warm it up for you," he, he, he, He's bolting it together like that rifle Edward
Fox uses in 'The Day of the Jackal', he goes, schlong, ding, flang, bring in the second support
structure, there's our fanny, up it goes, up it goes, ladies, and just as it seems it has nowhere
further it can go, when every nook and cranny of your intimate plumbing has been stuffed to
bursting point with ice cold metal, click, out come these extending arms and force the walls apart,
up goes the probe. I swear they use the same technology they use on the Channel Tunnel, you
keepexpecting a little French man to come out, "'Allo my friend, 'allo."
He's got you on the slab, your knees are in the air, his head's between your legs, he's got his
probe up ya, his hand's halfway up your muff, he looks you in the eye and says, "Oh, Please try
and relax..."
Bastard!
Finally he drags it out, and that's a lovely moment when out it comes, as you do an enormous
fanny fart as it comes out... Brrrrrrrrrruuuuuhh. "Don't worry, that happens to everyone..." "I don't
fucking care about anyone else, my fanny just farted at a complete stranger!"
He wipes it on his jeans in a cavalier fashion, schlong, ding, flank, hurls it in a kidney dish, he
says, "Now, would you like me to examine your breasts?" "Oh certainly doctor, after the caring way
you handled my fanny, I can't wait for you to get started on my knockers... what's the first move
then? Sugar tongs on the nipples? You'll love that won't you!"
Now, I know there's a little bit, could be a bit too far, some people thinking, "Fanny fart, oooh, yes,"
but I think it's important to do this. I don't do it for the women, in fact I apologise, women thinking, "I
don't want to hear this, I've got to do this tomorrow." I do it for the blokes, cos the lads don't know,
women know, but of course not all women know. Look, I have to do this, I always do this, even
though my audience is a bit older now, the Young Ones was ten years ago, there may be some
young women in the Audience tonight who have not as yet had a smear test and now have no
intention of havingone.
Well, you got to go, OK, it's very important, it's not all that bad. Well, it is, BUT it's very important,
you got to go, OK. Girls going home saying, "Mum, Ben Elton says they park a Ford Cortina up
your fanny!" You got to go...
But if it makes you feel any better, if you've got a boyfriend at the time, make sure he knows what
you're going through, it's important that women should tell men what they're going through, cos it's
all garnished, it's all lied about. I mean I don't subscribe to the opinion of a woman I met in
Montreal, who said as she reckoned the woman who had a smear test, if she had a boyfriend at the
time, should go home and stick a cocktail stick down his dick... I think we can take right on a little
right off. I think the threat is sufficient, I mean, I heard that a year ago and my bollocks are still
aching...
But none the less, I think men should know. I'm 34 now and I'm probably quite a lot older than a lot
of people in this audience and I basically now know the mechanics of a smear test, but 10 years
ago, I was 24, I was a grown up man, I didn't know. I knew what one was for, of course, I knew how
important they were, and I thought I knew what happened, but I was wrong, cos what I thought
happened was, I'm gonna tell you, it's a bit embarrassing, but as I say I think there's a kind of
warmth here, cos what I thought happened was...(Mimes pulling his pants down, quick wipe, pants
up... see video)
Well you would do wouldn't you. I bet a lot of women thought that. You never expected a duck-
billed torpedo! Bit of cotton wool, give it a wipe, test that doc, see ya. Again, language disguises
reality, again linguistic garnish, it's called a smear test isn't it, it's not called a "build a scaffolding
rig up your fanny" test is it?
I'll tell you the day I found out, that wasn't a good day for me, A BAD DAY. I was sat at home in the
kitchen, my girlfriend comes home, she's giving it the old Charlie Chaplin walk. I said, "What are
you walking like that for?"
She said, "I've had a smear test, FUCK OFF YOU BASTARD."
I went, "Well sorry, pardon me for being a bloke, come on it's just a
quick rub isn't it?"
She turned into Jack Nicholson in 'The Shining', she grabbed the knife,
it was "AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" I crept home 3 hours later, you know when you've fucked
up. She said, "SIT DOWN, I'm gonna tell you what happens in a smear test."
So I sat down, and she started to tell me, and when I came round again she carried on. I said,
"What up ya?" She said, "Right up ya, and what's more he uses all KY Jelly on his hand, and it all
gets smeared all over your fanny, so you stick to the bus seat on the way home."
So I concluded from this that God must be a man..