Dorian Gray: Soft Core Pornography Gets A 15 Certificate
So... My apprehension at watching the recent Ealing Studios adaptation of Dorian Gray, staring Ben Barnes and Colin Firth, though not exactly unjustified may have been a little bit of an over reaction.
On the whole it wasn’t a total departure from the book, naturally it had been ‘sexed up’ for the modern audience but I was pretty much okay with that. I did however feel that the film warranted an 18 certificate rather than the 15 it is classified as. Not because of anything particularly graphic, as I groused to H on the way to the train after, it was “all tit’s and no ass.” but the shear length and nature of the sex scenes, not to mention how many of them there actually are, along with the casually manner in which the film deals with recreational drug use, made it unsuitable for under 18’s in my opinion.
Also my cinema going experience would have been greatly enhance by a lack of the immature nervous giggling coming from the teenage Ben Barnes fans in the audience along with their rather vocal disgust at the sight of their teen-girl crush kissing another man and forcing him down onto a chair before a close up of him unbuttoning his fly. Personally I found that part incredibly hot. The term grinning like a Cheshire cat, would describe me perfectly at that point, bouncy would also be good.
As far as the sex scenes themselves went, I actually found them more amusing than titillating, well apart from the one where Ben Barnes is tied up and wearing a red silk blindfold. That was, I will admit very titillating, and an image I’m sure I shall be taking into dream world with me later tonight *fingers crossed*.
One of my favourite moments is when Dorian seduces a young debutant at her coming out ball, then when her mother comes looking for her pretends he hasn’t seen her and proceeds to have sex with the mother whilst the girl is hiding under the bed.
The resulting exchange where Barnes informs Firth that he has ‘lost a wager’ and Firth’s responds to the man asking ‘what wager?’ with a flippant ‘Oh just a little double or nothing.’ is brilliant and both Barnes and Firth deliver the lines in a perfect deadpan but with a hint of mischief only the other and the audience is aware of way.
The trouble comes, as I rather expected, with the introduction of Emily (A character not in the book) and my problem is not with the way the character was played, on the contrary the actress (whose name escapes me right now sorry) played what she was given beautifully. The problem is that though at first I really thought it was going to be okay, she wasn’t your typical bit of fluff added to give the character of Dorian an emotional depth he had thus far lacked. She was witty, spirited, intelligent, even a suffragette. In hindsight I should have seen it coming a mile off, she was too non fluff, it was only a matter of time before Dorian fell hopelessly in love with her and resolved to become a better man.
Naturally they decide to run away to America together and of course they have sex. When Dorian wake’s up to find her and his precious attic key, which he wears around his neck, gone and tracks her to said attic (where he keeps the painting) and warns her, rather scarily (side note: Ben Barnes is sexy when he’s doing scary... like ‘whoa mama’ sexy... seriously). Any way he warns her not to go in and she opens the door anyway to see the painting.
Dorian is standing on the stairs with an “I’m going to have to kill you now.” Look, and I thought for a moment that they might redeem themselves for the ‘oh darling lets run away together’ schmaltz.
Unfortunately it cuts to yet another shot of Dorian waking up, with Emily beside him and it had all been a dream... Yes I did roll my eyes at that point. I like cheesy soap moments as much as anyone, but I don’t want them with my Oscar Wilde thank you very much.
One thing which, I feel, improved on the original text. Yes I, Rayne Reeves said improved on Oscar Wilde, stop it if the wind changes you’ll stick like that. Was the portrait itself. It was always rather ambiguous in the novel just how involved, for lack of a better word the actual portrait was, it changed for sure but whether it was a symptom or the cause was never really touched on, in the movie however the portrait has a definite menace, it not only changes the physical appearance of it’s subject but expression to, you even see it move sometimes, which I at least felt added to the story.
The ending (Emily’s cries of “Doooriaaan” as her father pulled her away from the burning attic, and Dorian’s declaration to her of “You have my whole heart.” *gag me please* not withstanding) was okay in so far as it wasn’t a total and utter fuck up of the original text, and I will admit to my own sacrilege and say I always kind of thought Wilde’s ending lacked a little something called drama after such an intense piece of writing. The only thing that let it down was the effects. The CG fire was very obviously CG which for a film that until then was shot so beautifully is kind of unforgivable.
In closing I’d say that Dorian Gray is definitely worth a watch, so long as you don’t mind spending a fair amount of time looking at breasts, though hey, British film, at least they’re real breasts not perfectly round silicone jobs. Never thought I’d watch a movie with so many tit’s in it and come out feeling better about my own. That would never happen with an American film of this nature. I digress. As adaptations go it’s probably the best Dorian Gray I’ve seen. The cinematography is just beautiful. The acting is great, not a splinter of wood to be seen. They stick pretty damn closely to Wilde’s dialogue and I guarantee if you watch it you’ll think at least once “Oh so that’s where that saying comes from.”
Not the best soft core porn I’ve ever seen. But definitely the best adaptation of a classic work I’ve seen in a good long time, in fact I’d say the only thing that tops it in that score right now would be Kenneth Brannagh’s Hamlet. Anyone who knows me well will tell you that that from me is high praise indeed.