bridges, gold and yellow (II)
Part I
Of course, Krystal forgot most of it all in the morning, save for a brief memory of Amber running out and her being painstakingly alone. Krystal wondered why, of course, why of all people would Amber run out on her, why Amber would run out on her, but she had no answers because they were all locked away in a haze of booze and drunkenness.
She made her way out of her room after getting ready, found out that Amber had left already for her own family, and waited patiently to be gathered to go to her own house. Her stuff was all packed, as she had prepared the night before going out with her friends, and though she had a pounding headache as a result from the hangover, she mostly just felt something like confused. And a little lost, a little alone. She saw Sulli in the lobby and said hi, and Sulli said hi back, and they had a small conversation before Krystal's parents picked her up and drove her off back home.
Krystal was welcomed by the sights of an early Thanksgiving dinner and Jessica who was back from grad school in South Korea. Really, as overbearing as her parents could be, she couldn't ask for more than this; even though she was back from her career and everything that made her who she was, things were going great. Krystal enjoyed things overall and was glad to be home, but something, something strange in her heart, was aching and telling her that something was missing.
~
Krystal wasn't the type to care about what people thought of her, but two weeks being back in San Francisco that nagging voice in the back of her mind was bothering her and she had, had to know what was going on between her and Amber and what caused Amber to run out on her while they had been drunk. So she decided to call her.
Krystal's plans never work, as always and unfortunately, so she never had time to call Amber-what, with Christmas shopping and spending time with her family and catching up with her friends she had missed for over the past year or so. Krystal still remembered, of course, but either she was too lazy to or didn't have the time or insert-another-excuse-here-because-Krystal is a coward.
On one particular evening, the she was sitting with her family around the dining table and eating lunch when the subject of their work and school (as it applied to Jessica) came up. After a rather boring discussion about law and politics and everything else it was that Jessica studied, her mother turned to Krystal and asked, "So, are you friends with any of the actresses?"
Trust her mother to pretend she was interested in Krystal's social life when really she was prying on interest if Krystal will still have her job and never be fired. Which was most likely the case, really. "Yes, Mom, I've made friends," said Krystal very patiently.
"Who?" her mother pressed.
"Um, Christina, Morgan, Sulli, Linda, Victoria, Amber-"
Krystal stopped, because thinking about Amber made something in her stomach churn.
Her mother looked confused. "I don't remember them being characters in the show."
Oh, right. Her family always watched whenever a new episode came out, and only knew them as characters, not as actresses with names. Still, "You asked me if I made friends with the actresses, Mom, not the fictional characters who I won't be able to meet."
"Well just tell me who they are as their characters, then," said her mom.
"Well, Christina's Gina-the main character, you know-uh, I also made friends with, er, Patricia, Nia, Mindy, Emma, Alexa-"
"Alexa, isn't she the one that looks like a boy?" asked her mom.
"I-yeah, that's Amber," said Krystal.
"Is she a boy?" said her mom. "You know, when I first saw the commercials for the show, I thought she was until I heard her talk, and even then she still sort of sounds like-"
"And is her hair naturally like that?" asked her dad. "I mean, was it long before or has she always looked like a boy like that-"
"Your hair can't be naturally long or short!" Krystal said exasperatedly. "And yes, it was longer before, they just did that for the show!"
Truthfully, Krystal didn't really know if this was the truth, but the way her parents were talking about her made it seem like a bad thing.
"I think it's cute," interjected Jessica.
"It's not cute, it's pretty," said Krystal.
"You think she's pretty?" said her mother, surprised. "Yes, well, she looks more like a boy, so I suppose she looks like a pretty boy..."
"She does not look like a boy and she is a perfectly pretty girl!" Krystal was prepared to shriek and tear her hair out. "Can we please stop talking about my friend and just, you know, talk about normal stuff like the weather or whether or not Jessica's been gaining weight at South Korea?"
There was a silence. And then:
"Are you calling me fat?"
~
Krystal really didn't know what to think of her sexuality or her romantic state or anything, right down to if she preferred hugging a boy to hugging a girl. She remembered faintly in a drunken memory that Amber had said she was pansexual, but that would mean that she was sexually attracted to anyone, anytime, anywhere. Krystal didn't care too much about sex-as long as it was sex, it was good, right?-but the thing that keyed her in the right direction was that she cared more about the romance than the sex.
It was like the opposite of what she had first concluded, a long long time ago. The thing was that Krystal wanted the romance, she wanted the mutual feeling of I-would-do-anything-for-you and the hugging and the hand-holding and just the connection and understanding apparently couples had. Krystal tried to look between her parents to see if they had it, but they were her parents and just-ew, no, that would be weird. Krystal looked at it from other lights, though, and that she would just do anything for the romance. The romance, really, was in the question and the sexual whatever would follow. She would be sexually attracted to someone as long as she was romantically attracted to them. It really wasn't a question of what gender she preferred, but just who she preferred, in general.
Krystal had liked people in the past before of course, and was sure she liked someone right now. She just didn't know who. It was like something she knew on instinct, if anyone had asked her for her completely honest opinion if she had a crush, if she liked someone at the moment. And it was only when her sister had asked her this very question one late night when Krystal knew who.
"Amber," she said, and then clapped her hands over her mouth.
Jessica stared at Krystal for one long, long, looooong moment. And then she said,
"What?"
"I-" Krystal kept her hand in place. Was this the answer, then? Was it really?
A fleeting memory of her kissing Amber in a bar flashed through her mind, and just like that it was gone.
"Krystal," said Jessica with annoying impatience, and then she was putting her bitch face on, oh god. "Krystal, I don't think you heard me correctly. I asked, who do you like?"
Krystal still didn't remove her hand. She was too mortified to speak.
"You didn't answer my question Krystal. Krystal." Jessica looked like she was growing tired of repeating her sister's name. "Krystal, you didn't answer my question!"
Krystal just stared at her. And she gave her one slow nod.
"You did answer my question?" Jessica furrowed her eyebrows. "But I thought you said..."
Krystal nodded again.
"You did answer my question," Jessica said again. And then, "You did answer my question. You... you like..."
Another pause.
"... that girl you work with," Jessica finished. "The one. Who looks like a boy?"
Krystal nodded for a third time.
"Oh my god," said Jessica. Then, "Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god."
"Shut up!" said Krystal, and then she burst into tears.
She could only imagine that Jessica looked horrified for one moment, but then Jessica's arms were around her and she was saying, "Shh, shh," in that sisterly way and Krystal had no fucking idea why she was crying but it felt like just the thing to do because Jessica didn't care, obviously, if Krystal cried in front of her. For heaven's sakes, a hen had bitten Krystal's finger when they were four years old and Krystal had run around shrieking with Jessica chasing right after her. (It had been a very eventful autumn.)
When Krystal finally calmed down, Jessica asked her, "What happened?" and Krystal told her everything, starting from the moment she set eyes on Amber and declared her as her idol, and ending with the messy memory of what had happened at the bar they day before she left.
"And, um," said Krystal when she was done. "I don't really like girls and I don't really like guys and I sort of like them both and I have no idea, but please, please don't hate me for liking a girl right now because I don't know-"
"Calm down," said Jessica, cutting her off and offering her her sleeve, which was completely useless since it was already soaked with most of Krystal's tears. "And you are completely hopeless," she added. "Crying over a girl? It's definitely not worth it."
"You've cried over guys," Krystal accused, and they both giggled a little at this.
"Yes, but," said Jessica when they were done. Then she stopped and said, "Okay, I guess it's not that different. But like, you said it didn't matter to you, right? If it's a guy or a girl or all that. And you don't know anything about Amber's sexuality or anything."
"Well it's obvious, isn't it?" said Krystal a little hopelessly. "She ran out on me. It's clear that she doesn't like girls, or me."
"You don't know that for sure," said Jessica, grinning. "Love is blind, and all that. I'm sure no one would fall in love with your face right now," and Krystal laughed, "but really, if you're crying over her, then you've been waiting for too long. You need to talk to her."
"Okay. I will," Krystal promised.
"Good." Jessica smiled. "And remember that as a punishment for ruining my best sweater, you'll be doing my laundry next week."
~
Amber had been wrong: season three shoots did not start in March, but actually early January, shortly after New Year's. Krystal soon found herself back at the front steps of the studio as soon as the new year came, drenched in snow with suitcases in both hands.
After a rather hasty welcome-back from everyone she saw and moving back into her room, Krystal made her way to the set-there, she knew, where they were all expected. In the beginning of every new season shoot they always had some sort of gathering and pep talk along with other things that Krystal wasn't really looking forward to but would have to deal with. She sighed, running her fingers through her black hair which had grown longer when she had been gone, and getting ready to miss it when it would be all cut off.
The moment she stepped inside, the first person she saw was Luna. Well actually it was Amber, but the first person Krystal always saw was Amber (and something inside her tightened a bit at this thought) and never counted, so really the first person she saw was Luna.
"Hey," she said, walking over to Luna. Luna greeted her with a brief hello before hurrying toward the dressing rooms. Probably to summon someone or something.
Everyone else seemed rather busy with their duties. Krystal sighed, and was heading back to follow Luna to go to her own dressing room when suddenly Amber fell in her line of sight again, and Krystal had the strong, inexplicable, completely crazy urge to talk to her despite, well, despite recent revelations and what had happened the last time they talked.
So she walked over to Amber, and when Amber didn't notice her at first, Krystal took a deep breath and said, "Hi."
Amber turned to her, and looked both surprised and a bit embarrassed. "Hi," she said back.
"So, uh, how was your winter?" Krystal asked awkwardly.
"Good," said Amber, half as awkward and looking mildly amused.
Then after a moment, Amber broke out into a rush of explanation:
"Look, I'm sorry about what happened before-before when you know when, I was being rude and I'm sorry about that. I mean, it's okay if you were confused about your, like, sexuality or whatever and if you wanted to use me if you were confused, it's fine and it's okay and I understand that, and it wasn't like that was even my first kiss either, so it's really not that big of a deal. It just sort of surprised me, you know-you surprised me, but you didn't deserve to have me run out on you like that, and I really didn't mean to, and I'm sorry. Because it's like, you were confused. But nothing's come between us, right? So it's okay." Amber took a deep breath. "Anyways, we're still friends, because nothing really changed, and it was just one-one sort of-kiss that didn't mean anything thing, and we're just friends."
Because Krystal could never help it when she did, she listened to everything that Amber said and digested all her words, and didn't know what to say other than, "All right," and, "Okay," nodding and agreeing with everything Amber said even though a small part of her felt like this just wasn't right.
~
Later, Sulli continued to be the genius she always was and suggested that the five of them go out, once again, for their welcome-back drink. Krystal pointedly avoided Amber's eyes when she had suggested this, because she could only think of what had happened at their last drink. Still, the four of them agreed, didn't bother to try to invite anyone else, and five hours later found them walking back from a nearby bar in each other's arms, all almost hopelessly drunk.
Luna hadn't drunken any beer unfortunately this time, having stuck with her normal Sprite once again, but was just as much on an adrenaline high as they were. "This is crazy," she said to them. "Why are we walking? We should be driving."
"Yeah." Krystal hiccupped. "Shoulda had a... designated driver..."
While Sulli, Victoria and Luna looked confused at Krystal's use of the word 'designated', Amber merely giggled and said, "Who would it be then? We're all too... drunk." She hiccupped as well.
"What about Luna? She's not drunk." Krystal lazily nodded her head in Luna's direction.
"Yeah, that's because she's a party pooper," said Amber, and they all broke out into a fit of giggles.
Between her giggles, Victoria gasped out, "You... you said..."
"Poop," said Sulli, and they giggled again.
Krystal wrapped her arm around Amber's waist and leaned her head on her shoulder as they staggered back to home. The streetlights glowed on Amber's skin, making Krystal think of gold and pallid seashells.
~
Her hair this season was supposed to be in a standing up ponytail, which in retrospect didn't sound as bad as the past ones had been, but it looked completely ridiculous. When Krystal Skype'd with Jessica the afternoon she had gotten her hair done, Jessica said that she looked like some sort of Korean pop star that she had heard of before and that her hair looked hilarious and strangely phallic (Krystal could never understand her sister's train of thought.) Krystal just thought it looked like a fountain. A rather strange one, at that.
She wanted more than anything to know Amber's opinion on it, whether Amber liked it or not-it was just her opinion she cherished. And so again she found herself in a familiar position on waiting outside of Amber's dressing room to see when she would come out, while trying to seem as casual and not creepy as possible even though they were friends now. One could never risk trying not to be creepy.
As it turned out, though, Amber hadn't been in her dressing room, because that evening Amber came back from the set and Krystal saw her walking down the hall, and turned so it merely looked like she had just come here and it was merely a coincidence that they both happened to be right outside of Amber's dressing room.
"Krystal," said Amber, sounding surprised. "Hey, what are you doing here?"
"Oh, hi Amber," said Krystal, trying to sound as normal and friendlike and not secretly pining for her attention at all. "Not much. What do you think of my new hair?"
She stepped out into the light. The shadow of her vertical ponytail fell on Amber.
Amber looked up, then back down at her face, and all that came out of her mouth was, "Oh... wow. Er. Wow."
They stared at each other for a moment, and then started laughing. Krystal leaned forward against her to keep herself up.
"It's ridiculous, right?" she choked out, gesturing to her hair. "It's ridiculous, I know."
"It... It really is." Amber glanced back up to it. "What were they thinking?"
"I have no idea," said Krystal. "I mean like, why would anyone wear their hair like this? Why?"
"Maybe if they suffered from brain damage?" Amber suggested.
"My sister says that I look like a Korean pop star," said Krystal.
Amber laughed. "I always knew that you Koreans were crazy."
~
"That one looks better," Amber said a few weeks later, when they were loitering on set but were watching the other actresses go at it (the main character was supposed to have a fight with her mom, but Christina and Maria both seemed too hysterical to go at it at the moment.) Krystal had just had her hair done once again, a sort of long french braid that wound around her shoulder.
Krystal scoffed and tugged at it. "Are you kidding? It hurts." She scratched at the back of her head. She always hated braids.
"Yeah, but it looks good," said Amber. "Most of your hairstyles look good."
Krystal raised an eyebrow at her.
"Really!" said Amber. "I mean, they're crazy and all, but they look good on you. You just pull them off."
"I don't think I pulled off that boy cut though, my parents were wailing for weeks."
"Okay, well maybe not that," Amber admitted. "Only I can pull off that. Other things, though... like even your clothes!" She pointed to Krystal's current outfit, which was some sort of spring dress and bright pink leggings. If they weren't inside, Krystal would be freezing. "I mean, like, who would wear that?"
"Well, it's sort of cute," said Krystal in an attempt to be defensive, but only coming out sounding feebly hopeless. "I guess if I was three years younger and didn't know anything about fashion sense..."
"Exactly, and yet you look so good in it." Amber sighed and gave Krystal one of those I'm-serious-bro looks. "You're like, perfect."
Krystal laughed. "I am not perfect."
"Krystal, you're pretty, cute, hot and dare I even say it-sexy," Amber grinned, "all pretty much at the same time. You are."
Krystal laughed again, feeling a rush of pleasure and endless admiration toward Amber for saying so. Not just because she was saying it to her, not just because Amber really thought all this-but that Amber thought someone else was perfect, even though Amber was really the only one who was.
~
"Alexa, I'm telling you one last time to stay away," Krystal hissed, pointing a finger in Amber's direction.
Amber glared at her right back. "And I'm telling you that I don't care, Grace, because it's none of your business."
"How is it none of my business? You're hurting her!" Krystal exclaimed, flinging her hands up.
Amber walked over to her and came close until they were only a couple feet apart. "I'm not hurting anyone," she said. "You're the one overreacting, and maybe if you paid attention like a good friend would, you might have noticed that Gina actually doesn't mind having me around-"
"That's because she doesn't know what she's doing!" said Krystal indignantly. "I can see what you're doing to her, and you're a bad influence on her and everyone-"
"I am not a bad influence." Amber stepped so close that they were a foot apart, then six inches apart, then their faces were together so that Krystal could see every eyelash on Amber's face. She had a small freckle next to her nose. "So I suggest you to stay away," said Amber heatedly, her breath brushing against Krystal's mouth.
"And... cut! That was a good scene, a really great job girls!" said their director, coming onto set as Krystal broke away. "I don't think we'll need to film that one again, it was so good!"
Krystal felt a bit disappointed, but just laughed and said, "Oh, it's just because I hate Amber so much, you know?"
Amber laughed and shoved Krystal a little. "I hate you too."
The director clapped his hands and said, "Well okay, you girls can take a break! Scene seven, everyone, episode six scene seven! Let's get a move on!"
~
Krystal really wasn't the type to care about what people thought of her, so at their cast party for celebrating Valentine's Day (it was supposed to be singles only, but then Christina came along with her boyfriend and no one could say no to Christina so they let everyone else in) she danced in the middle with everyone else, flailing her limbs around and acting like a total psychopath and was laughing along all the way.
When she was finally out of breath, she shouted to Luna over the music, "I'm going to be right back!" and Luna practically screamed, "OKAY!" but since the music was loud enough to drown out most of what anyone else was saying, no one paid any attention to them. Krystal managed to fight her way through the crowd, over to the counter where all the drinks were, and picked up a can of Coca Cola and drank.
Amber soon came out from the crowd as well, hair so sweaty and good-looking that it would have made Zac Efron jealous, and grinned when she saw Krystal. "Hi," she said. "Fancy meeting you over here."
Krystal snorted. "Who says fancy anymore?" She drank from her can again.
Amber got her own drink and leaned against the counter. She was still breathing heavily from when she had been dancing as well.
"Awesome party, isn't it?" she said. "I didn't know it could be this fun with everyone and just some music."
"I didn't know it could be this fun without alcohol." Krystal shrugged and drank some more. "Guess we're all getting surprises."
"Yeah." Amber laughed, then looked at Krystal and said, "You were good, you know. I saw you out dancing." She nodded toward the middle of the room, where the rest of the cast (plus director and crew of course) were jumping around as a mesh of bodies.
Krystal grinned. "I saw you too. Not bad."
"Look at Victoria, though," said Amber admiringly, staring off into the corner where Victoria was being completely chaotic with her limbs and yet was moving in perfect rhythm with the music. "I didn't even know she had it in her, and she's like, amazing-"
"You're pretty amazing yourself," Krystal blurted. Then added, "I mean, we're all amazing."
Amber laughed. "Yeah, we all are, aren't we?" she said, and reached out to drink some soda again.
Except she reached out for Krystal's can, and suddenly Krystal was saying, "Oh, no, that's mine," and Amber said, "Oh sorry," and they both held the can and they both let go and it fell to the ground, soda spilling out with a tiny splash.
They both looked at it, then Krystal giggled and said, "If anyone asks, that's your fault."
"We'll make sure no one asks then," said Amber. "C'mon, let's move away from the scene of the crime."
They walked along the edge of the gigantic basement room, apparently neither up for dancing even though Krystal was sure that Amber would want to go out again. Soon they were near the staircase, slightly secluded from everyone else, not any more quiet than the rest of the room but certainly more peaceful, and alone together. Krystal smiled to herself, feeling both awkward and uncomfortably pleased.
Amber sat on the bottom stair, and Krystal joined her, making their legs press together in the small space. Krystal shifted, expecting Amber to move-except she didn't.
"I really like you, you know," Amber said suddenly, and Krystal stopped to look at her as Amber hurried on, "I mean, not like I like, but I-I mean, you're cool." She dropped her gaze. "And it's cool just being around you."
"I like being around you too," said Krystal, bewildered at the complete randomness of Amber's words.
"Yeah, well, I'm just saying," said Amber. "Not many-many girls are like, willing to be friends with me or anything, but you're just-different, and thanks. For being so willing."
Krystal turned on the stair to face her, ignoring the slight discomfort it caused for her back. "Amber, of course I'm willing to be friends with you. Don't you remember what I said-that one time?" she added hurriedly, remembering the aftermath of said time as well. "I always wanted-always thought you were cool. Always liked you, too."
"Yeah, but." Amber bit her lip. "It's not the same, sort of. I mean, it's the same!-I thought you were just like that, you know, easy to be friends with for anyone, and that, you wanted to be friends with me was just a bit different, so I'm really, just, thanks."
Then it was just Krystal and Amber and Krystal was sure that ninety-nine percent of everything that was coming out of Amber's mouth was complete BS and nonsense, all that about friends and being grateful and everything because Amber's eyes were saying something more, hell, Amber was saying more just by the way she was looking and not looking at her and biting her lip and trying to find the right words. And Krystal wasn't quite sure, quite sure how all this fit in but it just suddenly fell into place like that and she understood and one of her hands found Amber's while the other rested on her knee and Krystal was thinking of nothing but Amber-
"Look," she found herself saying suddenly, "I'm not confused about myself, about my sexuality, and I can fall in love with anyone. And I'm not sure if I've fallen in love with you, but I don't want to use you to find out, and I'm not gay and I don't like just girls or guys or anything, I really don't care but all that anymore. All I know is that I want to kiss you more than I want to do anything else, and that's why I wanted to kiss you last time, so just, just-" Krystal took a deep breath. "Hold still."
Amber held still indeed, though Krystal wasn't sure if it was out of shock or obedience. But she leaned in anyways, their breaths mingling together, and she placed a light kiss to Amber's lips.
They sat there, still, then Amber's response was a tug of lips back and Krystal pressed again and Amber pressed even harder, then Krystal's fingers found themselves in Amber's short hair while one of Amber's arms was on her shoulder, hand around her neck and pulling her even closer, and then Amber was practically in her lap or Krystal was in hers, she couldn't tell because the step was too small. But they were so close and together and kissing that it felt like ages, ages when Krystal finally pulled back with a slight ringing in her ears.
Amber was smiling-no, she was glowing and Krystal had never seen anything look more amazing.
Amber said, "Well that was climactic," and Krystal laughed, the kind of laugh that only came out of joy and relief.
"It was indeed," she agreed. Then wanting to get things straight, she said, "So-this friends thing. You really... just friends, then?"
Amber grinned at her, then pulled her close, and she was warm when she kissed Krystal once again.
"To hell with friends," she said, her eyes sparkling in the way Krystal always loved.