apple of my eye (II)

[kingdra]

Part I

"Start again," says Jay, and the four of them sing the second verse again. Not that they need to, really, but a little practice never hurts and neither does a little practice. At least, this is what their manager keeps telling them.

When they're done, Jonghyun sighs. "I miss dancing," he says. "Instead of standing around and doing nothing."

"Even though you're a horrible dancer," says Kyuhyun, and Jino giggles.

Kyuhyun looks at Jino. He looks the same-small, wonderful.

"Hey, you know how it feels," says Jonghyun accusingly. "Don't tell me that you like just singing and standing. I mean, what's the fun in that?"

"Jonghyun, be quiet unless you're singing," says Jay, though he doesn't sound strict at all.

"Then I'll sing," says Jonghyun, and he does. Kyuhyun, Jay and Jino quickly catch up with him as Jonghyun leads, though Kyuhyun doesn't quite want for Jonghyun to have most of the control. He increases the volume in his own voice, and when Jonghyun doesn't step down, Kyuhyun quickly switches note-harmony, as opposed to Jonghyun's preferred melody.

"Good!" says Jay the instant they're done. "I didn't expect that of you, Kyuhyun, since it's not your typical line, but-I suppose you've always had a knack for the alternate parts-good, you were both good."

"Since when were you an expert on music, hyung?" Kyuhyun asks him. But the thought of being good with Jonghyun makes him happy, anyways.

**

"Kyuhyun, there's a pipsqueak for you at the front door!" calls Jongwoon's voice, followed by Sungmin saying indignantly from the kitchen, "Hyung, don't call people pipsqueaks!"

Kyuhyun walks in from the living room, saying, "Who-oh, hello, Jino."

Jino is standing there in the doorway, shifting from foot to foot and looking around.

Ryeowook pokes his head out of the kitchen, apparently in it as well. "Hey, you're Kyuhyun's bandmate from the Ballad, aren't you?" he says.

Jino nods. "Um, yes," he says. He looks at Kyuhyun directly. "Er, I just wanted to come here, since I don't really have anything going on today and I heard you don't, either."

"Oh, sure," says Kyuhyun, still completely surprised. He walks over to Jino and guides him away from the door. "Come on in."

As they pass Jongwoon in the hallway after closing the door, Kyuhyun hisses to Jongwoon, "Don't call my friends pipsqueaks!"

"But he's short!" says Jongwoon, pointing at Jino.

"You're short!" Kyuhyun shoots back. And to prove it, he raises himself above Jongwoon a little before dragging Jino away into the living room.

Hyukjae is there, fiddling with his own laptop. He looks up when Kyuhyun and Jino come in.

"Hey," he says to Kyuhyun. He glances at Jino. "Isn't this your bandmate from-?"

"Yes, he's Jino," cuts off Kyuhyun, not bothering to look at Hyukjae. He just focuses on Jino some more. "Want to do something with the other Ballad members?" he suggests, because he can't really think of anything else to say.

Jino shifts on the couch they're sitting on. "Well, apparently Jonghyun and Jay hyung are busy with their bands, so..." He looks at Kyuhyun. "I guess it's just us? We can go out, if you'd like."

"No, it's okay," says Kyuhyun. As much as he'd want to be with Jino, he's never been with Jino alone before and he imagines it'd be a bit uncomfortable. Still, he can't let go of an opportunity like this. "But you can hang around in our dorms."

"As long as you don't break any of our stuff," says Hyukjae from the side.

Kyuhyun almost changes his mind about not being his bandmates anymore, but when Jino beams at him and says, "I'll do whatever you say, hyung!" with endearing enthusiasm, Kyuhyun decides that spending time with Jino anywhere, regardless of the place, is a good time-because it's Jino, and Kyuhyun doesn't really care as long as it's about him.

**

Winter comes, and though they don't get vacations like most careers do, there are the occasional longer breaks than usual.

Kyuhyun spends most of his holiday with Super Junior, although something feels missing. He loves his band and everything in it, but with the recent events, more things have been added on and Kyuhyun doesn't want to let them go. Of course he doesn't want to let anything go, but he's more used to beginnings rather than routine, than end.

Christmas is a cheerful, if not slightly boring affair, with exchanging of presents and deliveries from mailmen-also, some members are gone to visit their families for a few hours. Kyuhyun would, except then that would be even less different than usual, and Kyuhyun doesn't want that. He doesn't want a lot of things.

New Year's comes quicker, and as usual, they're invited to the entire label party. As usual, Kyuhyun finds himself in the back of the room, quietly sipping from a glass of wine and not feeling nearly as inebriated [?] as he should be.

He gazes around the room, eyes looking but not searching for anything in particular. He does a double take when his eyes go over the center of the room, near the television. He's found Jonghyun, laughing with his bandmates and sipping from his own bottle of alcohol.

Without much thought, he gets up from the couch and walks over to Jonghyun, and taps him on the elbow lightly. Jonghyun turns around. His eyes light up when he sees Kyuhyun.

"Hey," says Kyuhyun, quietly, into Jonghyun's ear. "Want to go somewhere else to have fun?" He knows that Jonghyun knows what he's talking about, by the way Jonghyun's eyes get even brighter.

Jonghyun nods, and silently they both put their drinks down and make their way out of the room. No one gives them a second glance. Soon enough they're out in the cold winter air, snow crunching beneath their shoes.

Kyuhyun presses Jonghyun against the wall. Jonghyun smiles, a little teasingly, as Kyuhyun moves closer to him.

"This is your idea of fun?" he says, raising his eyebrows.

Kyuhyun just shoots the look back. "Can you think of anything else more fun?"

Jonghyun throws his head back and laughs.

"You are so drunk!"

"Am I?" Kyuhyun whispers, lips millimeters away from Jonghyun's now.

The rest of their night is covered with heated kisses and passionate hands, roaming each other's bodies. Kyuhyun likes the way Jonghyun's fingers dance across his skin.

**

Shortly after New Year's Eve, SM the Ballad resumes their practices, although they're on fewer shows now. Meanwhile Kyuhyun and Jonghyun continue to have their idea of fun, together. Kyuhyun finds himself sort of enjoying it, not just the physical aspect of what they're doing, not just the feel of Jonghyun's lips and the taste of Jonghyun in his mouth, but also just being with Jonghyun, the words that are whispered, the glances that are shared in between everything else. But Kyuhyun's eyes still look for Jino's first.

Perhaps somewhere in the bottom of Kyuhyun's heart, he feels a bit guilty-not because he's using Jonghyun, but because he likes Jino. Kyuhyun doesn't feel guilty for what he's doing at all. Just what he's feeling.

"Hey hyung," says Kyuhyun, walking into the practice room. Jay nods at him and smiles.

"You should say hi to me too," says Jonghyun, coming in from behind him and putting an arm around Kyuhyun's waist.

Kyuhyun rolls his eyes and turns to him. "And you should stop harassing me," he says. But he doesn't try to push Jonghyun away.

"Oh, look who's back," says Jay, looking toward the doorway again. Kyuhyun and Jonghyun turn around to see who it is.

"Jino!" Kyuhyun almost shoves Jonghyun off of him. "How've you been? You missed some practices!"

"Yeah, lucky you," adds Jonghyun, though not loud enough for Jay to hear.

Jino laughs at Jonghyun. "I'm fine," he says. "How were your holidays?"

"Oh, you know, the same," says Kyuhyun, shrugging off-handedly.

"All we did was sit around and eat all day," adds Jonghyun.

"Maybe you did," says Kyuhyun, rolling his eyes at him. "No wonder you look like you gained weight."

Jonghyun sticks his tongue out at him. "Mean."

"Honesty is the best policy."

"Your face is the best policy."

"At least my face doesn't look fat like yours-"

"I think I gained weight too," interrupts Jino, blushing as he says this. He looks like he hadn't meant for the words to spill out.

Kyuhyun reaches over and pinches one of Jino's cheeks. "It makes you look cuter," he tells him, because it's always about Jino.

**

One of Kyuhyun's hands is down Jonghyun's pants, the other on his cheek. Kyuhyun is breathing heavily against him, lips inches away from Jonghyun's.

"Are you done teasing me yet?" complains Jonghyun; he's almost whining, though his breath seems too strained to form a proper whine.

"What if I say not yet?" whispers Kyuhyun, allowing his hand to brush over the length of Jonghyun's cock once more. Jonghyun twinges a little and gasps into Kyuhyun, blowing on the inside of his mouth.

"Then I'll say just touch me already."

Jonghyun almost manages to knock Kyuhyun's wrist right where he probably wants it, except Kyuhyun grips his face harder and draws Jonghyun into a kiss. Too lost in the sensation, Jonghyun's attempts render fruitless as Kyuhyun continues kissing him, continues teasing him.

"You're a dick," says Jonghyun when they finally break apart for air.

"You love it." Kyuhyun grins, and tugs on Jonghyun this time.

It's rough and messy and wild, but Kyuhyun can't help think it's all right as Jonghyun loses complete control of himself-not that he ever had any control in the first place-and comes all into Kyuhyun's hand. Grinning and feeling rather pleased with himself, when Kyuhyun's done (having come too, in his own pants-but it's okay because he can get to his dorm and change without anyone noticing, soon) he pulls away and looks Jonghyun in the face.

"I hate you," Jonghyun repeats, still panting.

"That's news to me," says Kyuhyun, rolling his eyes. He slumps on the ground next to Jonghyun, and, as Jonghyun straightens his clothes out and zips up his pants, Kyuhyun reaches over and wipes his hand on Jonghyun's shirt.

"Hey!" Jonghyun yelps, brushing the spot before quickly drawing away. "Ew! It's all sticky!"

"What do you think it is?" says Kyuhyun, grinning.

"Wait, it's not-oh, hyung!" Jonghyun jumps up and starts hitting Kyuhyun, while attempting to smear the residue of what Kyuhyun had wiped on him onto Kyuhyun instead. "Oh, you're gross! Dick head!"

Kyuhyun laughs and pushes Jonghyun off, but Jonghyun gets back up and hits Kyuhyun over the head, trying to crawl onto him once more. Kyuhyun, still laughing, pushes Jonghyun off again, just to have Jonghyun come over and hit him again.

"Jonghyun!" Kyuhyun cries, as Jonghyun kicks Kyuhyun onto his stomach before clumsily falling over himself.

Even though they're both sweaty and sticky and messy, Kyuhyun is sure that he's never been this close with another human being before. And he loves it.

**

It's always been about Jino. Kyuhyun knows that despite his friendship with his bandmates, despite his relationship with his labelmates, despite his bond with anybody else, despite this thing he has with Jonghyun-it's always been about Jino. He doesn't stop staring, doesn't stop listening, doesn't stop thinking about Jino. It might be a bit unhealthy.

Because he's honest and because Kyuhyun knows how to be sincere, it's odd not saying anything, not telling anyone (most of all, not telling Jino.) But Kyuhyun knows how it would be if he told anyone he was in love with a man (if he's really in love, that is.) The only person he can tell is Jonghyun, and he's pretty sure that Jonghyun wouldn't like it if Kyuhyun told him this. Besides, Kyuhyun has a distinct feeling that Jonghyun already knows.

Still, it's this whole insincere thing that's throwing Kyuhyun off his game, and he never likes being thrown off his game. It means he's not controlling himself well enough.

They go on some more shows and open broadcasts, though their schedules are dwindling a bit because SHINee's doing some stuff and TRAX is doing some stuff and Super Junior M is going to be do some stuff (Kyuhyun hears that Jino will be busy as well, though with what specifically he has no idea.) Kyuhyun is sure that these are the last days that they'll have together, for a while.

It's the middle of January, backstage before some performance. Kyuhyun's coming out of his dressing room, getting ready to go up.

He sees Jino and Jay standing together, waiting for the show to start as well. Suddenly Kyuhyun acts on impulse, and he calls over to them, "Jino!"

Jino and Jay turn to him. Kyuhyun smiles and nods at Jay, and then looks pointedly at Jino.

"Can I talk to you in private for a second?" he asks him.

Jino looks unwary, but the look is quickly replaced by one of mild curiosity as Jino says, "Sure!"

They walk back behind near one of the curtains, where they can't be seen outside of the shadows.

"So what's up?" asks Jino, cocking his head to the side.

"Nothing really, I just..." Kyuhyun clears his throat and looks down somewhere on the ground. "I mean, um. Nothing's really up, I just wanted to tell you something..."

"All right," says Jino. And when Kyuhyun doesn't say anything at this, Jino presses on, "What is it?"

"I... uh..."

Kyuhyun doesn't really know how to say it properly. So he just says it.

"I like you."

Jino laughs.

"Kyuhyun, I like you too," he says. "I was never under the impression that you didn't like me. Unless you didn't?" he adds with the teasing air of suspicion.

"No, it's not..." Kyuhyun takes a deep breath.

Something overcomes him, and he grabs Jino's shoulders and kisses him on the lips. It doesn't feel right.

Kyuhyun pulls back.

"I like you," he says, just as footfalls fade away.

Jino looks stricken. "I..." He touches his lips to his mouth, then gazes back up at Kyuhyun.

"I'm sorry, hyung," he says. His eyes are more apologetic than his words.

The message can't be any clearer.

Kyuhyun clears his throat again, blinking back anything that might have caught in his eye. Then he forces himself to look up and smile.

"It's okay," he says, feeling like something has been dislodged from his throat. He'll get over it, he tells himself. At least, he hopes he will.

Jino looks relieved. "I'm sorry," he says again. "I don't want to hurt you, but it's just not-the way you wanted it, I guess."

Kyuhyun nods. Jino may have a point. And Kyuhyun really will get over it-there's something inside of him assuring that this will happen.

He and Jino come out from behind the curtain, to see Jonghyun, who is now standing in the spot where Jino had been, and Jay standing there, waiting for them.

Kyuhyun and Jino greet them with enthusiasm. Jay says hello back, but Jonghyun is uncharacteristically silent.

**

For some reason, Kyuhyun feels like Jonghyun knows what had happened behind that curtain, although there's no possible way for him to know, as Kyuhyun hadn't seen him there. But he still feels like Jonghyun at least has an idea of what had happened, if he hadn't seen it.

This doesn't stop Kyuhyun, however-there's no proof, so why should he be assuming this? Besides, nothing's changed: Jino doesn't like Kyuhyun, which Kyuhyun's okay with. Either he can wait for Jino to realize he returns feelings for him-though by Kyuhyun's calculations that's about a 0.2% of happening-or move on, like he'd promised. And Kyuhyun decides that even if a part of him is so used to liking Jino so much, it'll go away just as quickly as it had come.

Meanwhile, Kyuhyun can deal with any remaining hormones with Jonghyun, right?

A few days later after that performance, Kyuhyun calls Jonghyun up. They haven't seen each other for a while, due to their growing schedules.

"What are you doing?" asks Sungmin. "What about us?"

He, Hyukjae, Donghae and Ryeowook are all sitting around the television, watching some drama on their spare day of break. Jongwoon's out in the gym with Siwon and Shindong.

Kyuhyun rolls his eyes. "You guys are boring. And I want to do things with my other friends, thank you very much." Things that include kissing and biting and licking.

"What about us?" Sungmin repeats.

Kyuhyun sighs. "In the spirit of Super Junior, I'll leave you all together to bond over ogling old actors and actresses," he says. "But I'd rather do something else."

He checks his phone, which hasn't been answered by the annoying voice of Jonghyun yet. Actually, it's on voicemail. Kyuhyun frowns, and dials again.

"You've been doing 'something else' for the longest time," says Ryeowook, looking not only visibly upset but also worried. "Shouldn't you spend any break time with us?"

Ryeowook's impeccable knack for guilt-tripping Kyuhyun almost works, but then he thinks of Jonghyun and decides against it. Kyuhyun's always one to give into lust.

"No, it's okay," he says distractedly, before looking down to his phone again. "Why won't he pick up?" Without any thoughts of Super Junior left in his mind, he walks out of the dorm and out of the building to find Jonghyun.

**

"Hi, it's Jonghyun! Sorry I'm not answering, but leave a message and then I'll answer then! I mean, if you give me your number first, too."

"Hi, Jonghyun," says Kyuhyun, fumbling around with his fingers. "Um, I'm wondering if you're free tonight, because apparently you weren't all day, okay? Call me back. Bye."

He puts his phone down and paces back and forth across the room. Sungmin's still irritated at him for not spending time with them earlier today, but at least this means that Sungmin won't come into their room.

After about fifteen minutes-which is the amount of time that usually passes, at most, before Jonghyun usually calls back-Kyuhyun sighs, picks up his phone again, and redials the number.

"Hi, it's Jonghyun! Sorry I'm not answering, but leave a message and then I'll answer then! I mean, if you give me your number first, too."

"Um," says Kyuhyun. "I hope you haven't lost your phone or anything, even though it's still on so it must be charging... you're not in the middle of something, I hope? I just wanted to see you today, if you wanted to do anything, so... call me back, okay?"

He hangs up. Then losing his patience completely, Kyuhyun snatches up his phone again and calls Jinki.

"Hello? Kyuhyun?" says Jinki's surprised voice.

"Hi, Jinki," says Kyuhyun dispassionately. "I'm wondering if Jonghyun's there? He's not answering his phone."

"Oh, of course Jonghyun's here," says Jinki cheerfully on the other end. "And what do you mean? His phone hasn't rung all day."

"What?" says Kyuhyun, frowning. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, it hasn't rung all day." Jinki sounds amused. "Want to talk to Jonghyun? I've got him right here."

"Oh, that'd be great-" starts Kyuhyun as he hears a rustling.

Then a dial tone.

**

Kyuhyun sort of feels like Jonghyun's avoiding him. But what would Jonghyun avoid him for? So Kyuhyun ignores this feeling.

But he does try to contact him again, though now Jonghyun's phone goes straight to voicemail instead without even ringing. Kyuhyun tries to see him in person, but ever since he's called Jinki, it seems like Jonghyun is spending less time in his own dorm as well, and Kyuhyun doesn't know the first place to look. He sort of wishes that his attraction to Jonghyun hadn't been all lust, so that he'd have gotten to know him better, not just his personality and his reactions, but the basic things, like what Jonghyun likes and what he doesn't. Then Kyuhyun would know where to find him.

No SM the Ballad meetings, practices, promotions or anything come in the next week, so all Kyuhyun is working on is Super Junior M. They've gone to China for a few days, and Kyuhyun sort of likes the change of scenery (though it still feels like routine, despite being in a different country.) He can't try and contact Jonghyun here, though.

The next week they're back for a day, before heading to China again. Kyuhyun sits in the couch in the dorm, calling Taemin.

"What do you mean, you haven't seen him?" he asks. "Isn't he supposed to be your bandmate?"

From the other side of the room, Siwon, who had so graciously let himself in this morning, snorts at Kyuhyun's words.

"Well I've seen him a bit, at practices and stuff," says Taemin's hesitant voice. "But we're always so busy with practicing and working and there's no time for us to talk. And Jonghyun hyung's been acting weird, we're worried."

"So then what are you doing, not asking him anything?" says Kyuhyun impatiently. "He's been acting weird? Do you know why?"

"Of course not!" Taemin says, sounding slightly hysterical. "And we don't really want to know why, because he's scary and Jonghyun hyung's never scary, that's always Kibum!"

"Hey!" shouts a voice on the other end, but Kyuhyun ignores him.

"Ask him!" he growls to Taemin.

"If you want to know why, why don't you ask him?" says Taemin in that same slightly hysterical voice, and then he hangs up.

Kyuhyun snaps his phone shut, then looks absently at Shindong, who's sitting on the opposite couch, eyebrows raised.

"Kids," Kyuhyun mutters under his breath.

**

Kyuhyun really doesn't have any opportunities to talk to Jonghyun now that Jonghyun isn't answering his phone-what Kyuhyun's assuming, anyways-so Kyuhyun looks for every opportunity. Unfortunately they don't have many practices at the same time, not to mention they live in completely different buildings and Kyuhyun spends most of his time in China nowadays, anyway.

So seeing him walking down the street with SHINee one day, on one of Kyuhyun's rare days in Korea is a nice surprise. Kyuhyun runs over to them, excitement bubbling in his veins.

"Jonghyun," he says when he catches up with them, holding onto Jonghyun's shoulder. "Can I speak to you?"

Jonghyun casts an eye over his bandmates, who look nervous. "Sure," he finally says, which comes as a relief to Kyuhyun. He thought for a moment that Jonghyun would say no.

They go in the opposite direction, leaving Jonghyun's bandmates behind. Kyuhyun doesn't know where he's going but he's happy with being with Jonghyun again, for so long.

"Why haven't you picked up your phone?" he asks, after a moment of silence.

Jonghyun shrugs, his hands in his pockets. He's looking at his feet.

"Well no matter," Kyuhyun goes on, "you were probably just too lazy to."

He expects Jonghyun to make a comment, some sort of retort; but Jonghyun merely tries a smile that ends up as a grimace, and then it falls.

"Something wrong?" asks Kyuhyun. "I talked about it with Taemin a few weeks ago, though I doubt he really told you anything about it."

"He didn't," says Jonghyun, with another shrug.

A few more silent moments pass. Kyuhyun glances at Jonghyun, and then pauses.

"Want to do something together?" he asks, hoping he's making his tone as suggestive as he feels.

"Why?"

"'Why?'" echoes Kyuhyun. "What do you mean, 'why'?"

"I mean, 'why?'."

"Since when did you ever have to ask why?" says Kyuhyun, baffled.

"You don't like me," says Jonghyun. Then he turns and walks away.

**

Jonghyun is stupid, Kyuhyun concludes later that day. Of course Kyuhyun likes him. Not, perhaps, as he usually likes people-but lusting is the same as liking, right? And Kyuhyun's always expressed this, his lust to Jonghyun, no matter what. So Jonghyun is stupid.

Jonghyun is stupid, Kyuhyun tells himself the next morning.

**

Jonghyun is stupid, Kyuhyun tells himself again a few days later. Of course he likes Jonghyun too-not just lust, maybe, but he likes Jonghyun as a person! As a friend! They've always gotten along, ever since SM the Ballad had started, always were good together, even when Kyuhyun had liked Jino, even before he and Jonghyun had started this crazy thing together. And then even after that, they were even better friends, better bandmates, better... whatever. Jonghyun should have seen that. Though of course, Kyuhyun thinks, Jonghyun is stupid.

Super Junior M falls into place with the rest of his life for the next month, with promotions mostly around Taiwan-plenty of distractions there. And then the overwhelming, as-always fanservice which sort of irritates Kyuhyun but he doesn't say anything about it anyway. He sees Zhou Mi look at him worriedly after they hug and whisper to others backstage, but is secretly glad that at least one of his bandmates isn't bothering him about everything that he's doing.

Jungsu hyung continues to tell them to keep it up, even when they're off in China, because the Super Junior album is coming out in July and that's closer than it sounds (but really, it isn't.) They're still friends, still a band, even if Kibum isn't participating, because it's what's most important to all of them. It comes before everything else.

All Kyuhyun can think about is Jonghyun.

**

SM the Ballad promotions and performances are officially over for now, even if it's taken Kyuhyun a few weeks after the last practice to admit it to himself. At least he has other things on his plate.

He wants to stay in contact with Jino, but it'll make him think of Jonghyun and then he'll feel guilty.

"Come on, smile Kyuhyun!" shouts one of the photographers, and Kyuhyun's shoulders tense as he forces a smile.

"Relax yourself!" calls another photographer. "You look uncomfortable. Come on, Kyuhyun, relax!"

Kyuhyun glances over in the corner, where Henry and Sungmin are talking and laughing. It really doesn't make him feel any better.

Hyukjae, Donghae and Ryeowook are chatting off-set while Siwon is fussing with the wardrobe manager. Kyuhyun feels Zhou Mi's worried arm tighten around his waist as they pose for the camera again.

It reminds him painfully of Jonghyun, only not as nice.

**

It's been a bit since Kyuhyun has last seen Jay. He approaches him far down the street.

"Hi, hyung," Kyuhyun says.

Jay turns around. He still has that sense of omnipotence, of caring.

"You really fucked things up," he tells him.

**

Kyuhyun hates it how he can look at the most random things and think of Jonghyun, even though he's a country away. Kyuhyun really hates it.

And Jonghyun is stupid.

He distracts himself with work, which has always been a good mood-killer, whether positive or not. Despite his attitude and the nagging voice in the corner of his mind telling him to actually do something, Kyuhyun remains in China, cuts off connection with everyone but Super Junior members, and refuses to think.

"Are you okay, Kyuhyun?" asks Sungmin one day when they're backstage from a show in Taiwan. Kyuhyun tries to think of no one except for Sungmin, when Sungmin speaks.

He nods and continues working.

**

Night is the best time for everything to go away, Kyuhyun concludes as he lies on the floor in his boxers and pajama top, a bottle in his left hand.

Zhou Mi is snoring a little ways off and so is Hyukjae; but Kyuhyun notices the absence of Siwon's breathing. He shifts his head a little to see Siwon staring up at the ceiling with open eyes.

"I wonder if this will be our last Super Junior M promotion... for a while..." Siwon lets out a sigh, and Kyuhyun wonders how he's feeling. He wonders if Siwon's thinking about Super Junior, Super Junior M, even possibly Hankyung. He wonders if the rest of them are thinking about them. While Kyuhyun's only (not) thinking about Jonghyun. The idea makes him feel impossibly selfish.

"It could be," Siwon whispers to himself, almost like an assurance. Then he turns over and looks at Kyuhyun. "Get some rest Kyuhyun," he says, smiling a little.

Kyuhyun does try to rest, but it's the guilt of not caring that takes him to sleep.

**

Yet there are things that Kyuhyun still cares about, that he does care about-things he doesn't want to care about, but is forced to remember. He sort of remembers the way Jonghyun used to touch him, used to suck him, used to feel. But Kyuhyun definitely remembers the way Jonghyun had looked at him, had teased him, had been so stupid that Kyuhyun had actually found it endearing. That he still finds it endearing.

And it's sort of funny, how he doesn't even see Jonghyun every day anymore and the weight in his chest is growing heavier and heavier.

He's pretty sure-ninety-nine percent sure, in fact-that Jonghyun had seen, had known what had happened behind the curtain that time, with Kyuhyun and Jino. He's not quite sure how (perhaps he had heard? Or even worse, seen?) but how else would Jonghyun know? Kyuhyun may not know certain things about Jonghyun yet, but he does know that even if Kyuhyun had been completely obvious with his infatuation for Jino before, Jonghyun would have been too dense to notice. It would only take explicit words, direct action for him to understand.

But things change of course, and even though Kyuhyun's accustomed to change, he likes change, this isn't the type he's going for. A turnabout of feelings, a miscalculation of his heart. Kyuhyun doesn't know what to do, he's never been the best at doing. He knows now, but he's lost. He's fucked up.

**

Eight weeks after the last time he's been with SM the Ballad, Jay calls him up, as well as Jino and Jonghyun and invites them out together just for old time's sake. Kyuhyun's sure he hears hesitance when Jay talks to him, and when Jay mentions Jonghyun, but Kyuhyun says okay.

Isn't he disappointed when he finds out, when he goes out to dinner to meet them, that Jonghyun had unfortunately said no. Kyuhyun doesn't know if he should be thankful or disappointed, and the knot in his chest gets even tighter. He tells himself to get over it, and smiles when he sees Jay and Jino.

"Hi," says Kyuhyun. It's been ages since he's seen them both; it definitely feels that way. It feels even longer since he's last seen Jonghyun, even though Kyuhyun's sure it's only been about a month.

Neither of them has changed of course, and Jino asks Jay, "Why isn't Jonghyun here?"

"He said he was busy," Jay answers. Kyuhyun wonders how he knows this if Jonghyun doesn't even pick up his phone.

"Oh, that sucks," says Jino, looking disappointed. He looks over at Kyuhyun and smiles, and he's still cute and Kyuhyun can see how he'd fallen for him. He just likes Jonghyun now.

A few hours later finds him sitting in the near-empty restaurant, with Jay passed out on the table from too much wine (it's probably been a while since he's drunk this much, Kyuhyun figures, and being around him and Jino had probably tempted him.) Kyuhyun and Jino are sitting close to each other, not really drinking but occasionally eating, and talking.

"Remember you liked me?" giggles Jino, then straightens up and suddenly looks serious. "Wait, you don't still like me, right?"

"No," Kyuhyun scoffs, grabbing a raw soybean and eating it.

Jino nods. "Good." Then he tilts his head to the side and looks at Kyuhyun curiously. "Do you like people often? You don't really seem like the type."

"Thanks," says Kyuhyun sarcastically, but Jino knows him too well and laughs. Kyuhyun shrugs and smiles too. "I don't know. I just do."

"Do you like someone else right now?" asks Jino, evidently too interested.

Kyuhyun considers telling him no, but then he remembers that Jino is a bandmate and a friend and had been completely understanding when he had let Kyuhyun down. So Kyuhyun says, "Yes," and Jino positively squeals in excitement.

"Really? I won't ask who, though," Jino adds with a grin, "it'll probably be prying too much. Is it a guy too?" He seems completely undeterred that Kyuhyun is attracted to men. "Ooh, or is it a girl... I'd guess, but it's like prying again." He grins to himself.

Kyuhyun shrugs and eats another soy bean again. He really doesn't want to think about it.

But Jino continues rambling on.

"Is it Seohyun? Or one of your Super Junior bandmates? Nah, that'd probably be weird, you guys are like brothers." Jino waves a hand. "Changmin from DBSK? You and Jonghyun, though," and Kyuhyun's eyebrows fly up at this, "could work, you guys were always together when we were doing Ballad. But I don't think you'd like Jonghyun, he's not your type and you never acted like you liked him, right?"

Kyuhyun doesn't know what to say to this. He drinks some of his wine instead, hoping it'll wash all his thoughts away.

**

It feels entirely too long, and it probably is: it's longer than the time they've been doing SM the Ballad promotions, but it feels three times longer than that. Kyuhyun hasn't seen a spot of Jonghyun for months, and not only is it strange, it's annoying and extremely upsetting.

He knows they can't avoid each other forever, because even though his band might be splitting up soon (Kyuhyun's always been a realist) he'll still be under the label for quite a while. Which means that he'll be around Jonghyun whether he wants to or not, and they'll have to talk to each other some time.

Besides, they were friends before and who says they can't be friends now? And even if Jonghyun doesn't want to do this-sex-thing anymore, that's fine with Kyuhyun. Sometimes he doesn't even care about sex, he just wants to see Jonghyun around.

But unfortunately Kyuhyun is unfortunate, and many, many days pass before he sees Jonghyun again, and by then it's probably too late. For him, for Jonghyun, for their relationship, friendship, and whatever else they've had. It's too late because they're Kyuhyun and they're Jonghyun but they're not Kyuhyun and Jonghyun, not anymore.

**

Of course, though, when it happens it's entirely by accident.

Entirely on Kyuhyun's part, anyways. It's way after whatever promotions he's had-after weeks enduring the fans and the interview and the hectic schedule that is life-when Kyuhyun wants to go outside, away from the dorms, and perhaps to the practice buildings to do something with music other than talk and sing and dance. Perhaps to listen.

But not, perhaps, after pained glimpses and brief mentions, to run into Jonghyun.

Jonghyun looks as surprised as Kyuhyun feels, maybe even more. Which is a typical look on his face, but god if Kyuhyun hasn't missed it. He stands in the middle of the sidewalk, staring, with the new season wind whipping around him.

"Um," says Kyuhyun, breaking the silence. The streets are empty. He is grateful for this.

They're fairly close to each other, close enough for either one of them to reach out and touch the other's shoulder. He can't remember the last time Jonghyun had touched him at all. But this had always been bound to happen, them running into each other, and Kyuhyun knows this. It's just that it's happening right now.

"Hi," says Jonghyun, an inexplicably blank look on his face.

"I." Kyuhyun stares at him.

For the first time in living memory, neither of them have no idea what to say.

Kyuhyun feels like he should apologize. He knows he should apologize. For everything. And he knows Jino's off at training right now and Jay is doing whatever it is that Jay does-but it's always been about Jonghyun, right? It's been about Jonghyun, during SM the Ballad, after SM the Ballad and Kyuhyun is grateful for having gotten to know him better like this because now it's just Jonghyun; for Kyuhyun, he can't think of any other answer.

He just doesn't know how to put it into words.

"Hi," Kyuhyun finally says back.

"I-I need to go," says Jonghyun, and as they stand here longer, Kyuhyun can feel heat crawling up the back of his neck. "For-" He points down the street. "That's why I-I'm here. 'Cause I need to go."

"Oh." Kyuhyun is disappointed. He wishes the word 'sorry' will come out of his mouth, but his lips aren't quite sure how to form the word. He wants Jonghyun to stay and talk. He wants Jonghyun to stay. He wants Jonghyun.

He says, "Okay then."

"Well, um."

Kyuhyun is aware of every move Jonghyun makes, of every blink and nose scratch. There are no cars in the distance, nothing to interrupt. This is everything he's waited for.

"See you then," says Jonghyun, when Kyuhyun remains silent.

Kyuhyun somehow manages to find his voice and his courage just as Jonghyun's about to move away.

"Bye."

Jonghyun looks at him.

And then Kyuhyun is reaching out to Jonghyun, bringing him close, and it's all happening so fast, fingers holding, shoulders pushing, knees brushing and Kyuhyun really, really doesn't know what he's doing,

and their lips touch.

Jonghyun pulls back after a second, or perhaps two. A small smile that Kyuhyun can't quite read is on his face.

"Bye Kyuhyun," says Jonghyun, and he turns to walk away.

Kyuhyun watches as he leaves, feeling confused. There's a taste lingering on his tongue, on his lips, and he doesn't know what it is.

He licks his lips, like he's kissing Jonghyun again, like he knows Jonghyun again. Jonghyun tastes different.