A letter I could not send in real life, because I want to keep my job
Dear independent contractor who sent me an angry hateful email about things beyond my control:
Thank you for your message about how unhappy you are at not being compensated for this one-hour training session for a software upgrade that will improve the quality of transcription company wide, in addition to making your job as a QA Specialist a good deal easier. As you know, my position as QA Liaison has everything to do with how independent contractors are compensated for their time, and I am in fact consulted on every single decision made at BFF Transcription* despite the fact that I am really just a mid-level manager who is responsible for training people and making sure they follow protocols (and is having to write the training program from the ground up, since it formerly consisted of haphazard notes in random Word documents that no one knew the location of, and it's a goddamn lot of trouble, not that you care). It is certainly never the case that I get orders from the BFF Powers That Be to train all QA staff on a software upgrade without being told anything else.
Anyway, I would say that I'm sorry to hear that you feel you've been treated badly by BFF, but that would be a complete lie. You see, I have lived all my working life with one agenda, and that is to cause misery to you personally. I went to a good deal of trouble to cause problems with your paychecks before I was ever hired by BFF; in fact, even before I had ever heard of the company, I sent out psychic vibes to payroll departments across the world to ensure maximum frustration and unhappiness in your life. The move to VBC from the 65-character line, obviously, was my idea, despite it having absolutely nothing to do with training or quality or, you know, my job, and was specifically directed at you. I know there are rumors that the change was buffered with a change to the formula for calculating lines in order to keep people from having to take a pay cut caused by a change in billing that was insisted on by clients, but I assure you these rumors are completely untrue; I engineered the entire thing just to piss you off.
In closing, I would like to say that I look forward to future messages from you, and I'm glad you took the trouble to address your concerns in a polite, professional manner to someone who could do something about them for you. Lord knows it would have been ridiculous for you to talk to, for example, the Director of Transcription, and then, of course, I would have been deprived of the pleasure of reading your nasty, spiteful email.
Just so you know, my company email address will be changing; please address all future correspondence to kissmyass@youbitch.com.
Thank you! :)
*not the real company name, obviously
ETA: And another bit of hate mail from someone else who should know better! What a great night I'm having. -_-